When you’re a kid it’s pretty standard for a gang to demand a picture of a naked woman to get into their club. If you have an older sister, odds are it’ll be one of her. It’s pretty similar for the Vice Singles Club, only we want naked pictures of anyone with a single out this week. So, for example, if you applied today, we’d be demanding a Bananarama lesbo sandpit adventure snap and a picture of Mika’s cock in a burger bun.

BANANARAMA
Love Comes
Fascination Records

Wow. I have no idea if these two cougars were even in the original Bananarama but if they were they sure have looked after themselves. Did you know that Mackie, who used to play drums in the Cro-Mags, went out with one of these MILFs back in the 80s? True story.
10
PENNY LOEFAH

BASEMENT JAXX
Feeling’s Gone
XL Recordings

Basement Jaxx make music for people who don’t really like music but really love going to Eastern European music festivals. This is one of their lamest offerings, not helped by the fact that Sam Sparro is caterwauling over the top.
3
BERYL BALKAN

THE BIG PINK
Dominos
4AD
To be honest, I’ve thought that most of the Big Pink’s other singles have sounded like public school drug-rock – sort of like Chapterhouse meets Charterhouse. But I first heard this at 5 AM on a Sunday morning back at the gaff, coked up to the nines, and by Christ it’s perfect: “When the Levee Breaks” drums, all manner of synth crunch, hand claps, and a proper bloody chorus. This is what indie discos were invented for.
9
RANDY BELLE

THE COUNT & SINDEN
Mega
Domino

This is apparently a pretty big “choooooon” in Ibiza this summer. I didn’t think pilled-up Italian bodybuilders and German party animals would be into this new brand of loutish/laddy broken beat, so at first I was a little surprised. It was the official multicoloured Mega Mega t-shirt (which looks like it’s been designed in collaboration with McKenzie or Gio-Goi) that brought everything into perspective. Northern gurners and European ravers have always had strikingly similar tastes – this is just the latest proof.
4
GORDON BENNETT

DAVID GRAY
Fugitive
Mercer Street

Dear David Gray, I’m pretty sure you’re dead. I would have put a lot of money on that. Please consult a mortician just to double check (you fucking Scottish cockroach ballsack).
0
PERRY GARCIA

GIRLS
Lust For Life
Turnstile

I’m not sure what caused Girls to get all the hype, more than the thousand other pretty good scuzzy garage pop acts out there at the moment, apart from maybe a dollop of added melancholy. They have such a stupid name as well. This is the first thing that comes up when you google it.
7
JOELSTOCK

KELLY CLARKSON
Already Gone
RCA/Sony

I am seriously bummed that this isn’t the sequel to “Since You’ve Been Gone”.
0
ALEX PETRI-DISH

MIKA
We Are Golden
Casablanca/Island

I know a girl who sucked off Mika. Yes, a girl. Don’t you feel completely lied to?
3
DAMON ALLBRAN

MUSE
Uprising
Helium 3/Warner Brothers

Muse have moved from irritating, to most evil force on earth, to so absurd only people so virginal that they’re disabled could possibly be interested in them. Which doesn’t make them as likable as you’d imagine.
2
DOB BYLAN

O CHILDREN
Dead Disco Dancer
Deadly People

The singer in this band reportedly has the biggest penis in London. I tried to get an exclusive interview with it but they wouldn’t agree. Hopefully when they see that we gave it a nice review I can finally go eye to eye with it.
9
BONE IDOL

PEARL JAM
The Fixer
Monkeywrench

The other day, while making my way home on the Central Line, I noticed some dude standing next to the doors who appeared to have a massive hole in the back of his t-shirt. Odd place for a hole I thought, so I kept an eye on it and you know what? It was intentional. It was in fact a perfect circle cut out to reveal a tattoo of  – wait for it, yep, you guessed it – the Pearl Jam guy logo. What. The. Fuck. Pearl Jam? Really? I mean, Ten was OK and so was wearing long johns under shorts and whatever, but it’s 2009, motherfucker. So anyways, he fully turned around to reveal a (badly) knitted-on Pearl Jam ident on the front too! This was on a really late 90s-looking Sonetti t-shirt, like a sky blue tee with faux stripes on the sleeve. The guy was definitely either French-Canadian, French or Canadian. I swear. Oh and for the record, Pearl Jam BLOW as much as their fans too nowadays.
0
JAMES KETFIEND

PIXIE LOTT
Boys and Girls
Mercury

Don’t front – this is a pretty strong package, all things considered. Pixie Lott is a great name for a pop star, “Boys and Girls” is a great name for a song, and Pixie is smoking hot. You can’t ask for much more in a pop act. True, a song that doesn’t sound like a generic backing track to a high tempo street dance troupe would be an advantage but why would you ever bother listening to it?
7
SHAUN LEPRECHAUN

INVASION
Conjure War
This is Music

I think these are the guys who the NME said were going to save music. Well they’re a lot better than the Datsuns and they saved music too, so these guys must rule.
9
JOHNNY FARTPANTS

SHARAM FEAT. KID CUDI
She Came Along
Ministry of Sound

Sharam DJed in a bar I was working in once. He wanted two bottles of Grey Goose as his rider and didn’t even touch them. He just fucked off as soon as he’d finished playing and got paid about two grand for it. This song’s alright. It’s not as good as that Kid Cudi one from last year, but you weren’t really expecting anything different, were you?
5
ESTHER RAZDEM

U2
I’ll Go Crazy If I Don’t Go Crazy Tonight
Island

How crazy? Messiah crazy, eh Bono? That crazy? Or just boring old under-selling former pop-star shopping in Sunglass Hut crazy?
1
ROBERT WETTHEBEDREDFORD

THE WOLFMEN FEAT. SINEAD O’CONNOR
Jackie Is It My Birthday?
Damaged Goods

You know all that teary-eyed shenanigans in the “Nothing Compares 2 U” video? All fake. Although, it was a great Prince song. This isn’t. In fact, it sucks. It sounds like about a zillion other songs in the world. Hence, everything compares to this. There is one nice melody in it and for that you can have a 3.
3
JIMMY RAGE

YOU ME AT SIX
Kiss and Tell
Slam Dunk Records

There were always some kids forming bad pop-punk bands at school, and playing Blink and Green Day covers – and that’s okay. But when they keep peddling that shit into their early- to mid-twenties, it just gets a bit embarrassing.
0
VOM DELONGE