We had our bi-annual Vice Singles Club meet at the weekend. It was awesome, someone baked this cake out of seven-inches and then we did a quiz. Can you name the members of Roxy Music who aren’t called Bryan? No? Then you wouldn’t have won the quiz and it’s probably lucky you didn’t come along.

ASHER ROTH FEAT. KERI HILSON
She Don’t Wanna Man
Schoolboy/SRC/Universal

College something something… Eminem rhubarb rhubarb… Jay-Z says he’s good mumble mumble… live performances, word of mouth rumble rumble. Fact is, this is wanky dickrod shitstick music and it’s R-U-B-B-I-S-H.
0
ASHY WRATH

THE CRIBS
Cheat On Me
Wichita

Do you reckon that when this trio of brothers from Wakefield started doing knock-off uh-oh-uh-oh-uh-oh indie in the early noughties that they ever imagined that they’d be doing stuff with Lee Ranaldo and have Johnny Marr in the band helping out on guitar? I’m going to go out on a limb here to say: probably not.
5
BUJU BATON

SUGABABES
Get Sexy
Universal Island

I miss that intimidatingly slutty one, where did she go? “When I’m standing at the bar, it don’t matter where I are, they say her sexy!” Where I are? How about: “when they see me on the can, it don’t matter where I am”? That’s better, no need for this sloppy English.
2
CHELSEA GRAMMAR

DELPHIC
This Momentary
Kitsune

Delphic may well be a better name than Snowfight in the City Centre but a name change and a release on Kitsune can’t hide the fact that this electro-indie-by-numbers contains nothing even remotely resembling substance. Delphic’s music is a bit like the middle of an original glazed Krispy Kreme or a leprechaun. It basically doesn’t exist.
0
ELEPHANT JAM

DIZZEE RASCAL
Holiday
Dirtee Stank

All hail Dizzee Rascal!! Saviour of British music!! Dizzee Rascal uber alles!! After “rocking” Glastonbury by doing the common sense thing of releasing two massive dance songs to take drugs and dance to over summertime, Dizzee has finally brought an end to urban music in Britain. Who the fuck wants to listen to a song about how rough Enfield is when you could be making up your own synchronised dance moves with all your boys and actually talking to girls?
8
RANDY PATSON

THE PAINS OF BEING PURE AT HEART
Come Saturday
Fortuna Pop!

Fuck me, it’s a decent guitar song.
8
JOELSTOCK

JASON MRAZ FEAT. COLBIE CAILLAT
Lucky
Atlantic

I feel under-qualified to vent on this. It’s almost marvellous in its absurd awfulness. Maybe if Malcolm Tucker was real we could get him in to guest review it. Sadly, my brother met Peter Capaldi once and said he was really nice and charming in real life. This would bring out his inner Tucker if anything could though.
0
BOUNTY THRILLER

NOISETTES
Wild Young Hearts
Mercury

Anyone remember the Noisettes’ first album? No, because it was rubbish. This is rubbish, too. But it’s poppier, more successful, annoyingly unavoidable rubbish. Burpy burpy, fart fart.
3
HUCKLEBERRY BIN

WALE FEAT. LADY GAGA
Chillin’
Allido/Interscope

I guess as far as Kanye-esque rap smash-hits go, this is OK. But, and I don’t want to get all white middle-class rap critic on you here, his actual rapping is not good. “You say you got a lot of cars, but I got a lot” – so that’s the same amount of cars? I really don’t care, but in the game of one-up-manship that’s not a killer line.
6
WASHINGTON DESEY

DUB PISTOLS FEAT. LINDA LAYTON & RODNEY P
I’m In Love
Sunday Best

Imagine Natasha Bedingfield at Notting Hill Carnival, after one too many glasses of Buck’s Fizz, jamming with Rodders at the Gaz’s Rocking Blues stage. Rad, huh?
3
LONDON CROSSY

WAVE MACHINES
Punk Spirit
Neapolitan Recordings

This is OK, but the title just makes me think it’s going to be a song about Sid Vicious’s ghost. Which would have been better.
6
GHOUL MARCUS

PRODIGY
Take Me To The Hospital
Take Me To The Hospital

Let me save you some money: don’t bother investing in a Prodigy greatest hits compilation, just download this for 79p. The blond grumpy one who married the ugly All Saint mashes together Essex rave sirens and all manner of kitchen-sink baubles and trinkets while the crazy ones dance about and shriek. They might as well have called this “Charlie Breathe Starter” and been done with it.
4
TED WONG

THE JONAS BROTHERS
Fly With Me
Hollywood Recordings

So how come we get palmed off with McFly and Busted trying their best to appear cutting edge and relevant whilst Yank preteens get something that sounds like Andrew WK writing for the Backstreet Boys?
9
TWEETY PIE

DOLLY ROCKERS
Gold Digger
Parlophone

HEY NEGRITA
One Mississipi
Fat Fox

JAMIE T
Chaka Demus
Pacemaker Recordings