HONOR BLACKMAN
The Star Who Fell From Grace
Music Infinity

This is more like it. Dame Blackman sing-talks her way through a litany of heart-wrenching pathos and regret that even Marc Almond would be ashamed to keep a straight face throughout. Probably the campest single since Elaine Page and Barbara Dickson power-moaned their way to the top of the charts, and at two minutes and nine seconds, sounds suspiciously truncated. Perhaps the intended finale was so overwrought that all involved dissolved in a pool of tears.
10
TONY MOLESTER

AUTOKRATZ
Always More
Kitsune

Managing to at one point reference the vocal melody from “I Was Made For Lovin’ You” by Kiss and still leave behind a completely forgettable song is quite a feat. I would suggest they make this their niche, as the rest of their schtick is pretty piss-poor.
2
JEANE SIMMONS

When I was a kid I was obsessed with A-Ha. They were my own true first musical love. Them and Tears For Fears, anyway. I had their albums on tape and was possessed by the video to “Take On Me”. They came to play Dublin in ‘88 and I somehow convinced my dad to take me (I was 8). It owned. I remember the ticket guy stubbed my ticket but ripped the wrong end off my old man’s ticket so when I got home I Sellotaped his tab to my already stub-less ticket and I had a complete ticket again – albeit with non-consecutive numbering. That was on my wall till I discovered metal or basketball or something. This single did NOT remind me of this story, rather it reminded me of an even more MOR U2 or something.
2
ROCKWELL

MEMORY CASSETTE
Call and Response EP
Sincerely Yours/Acephale

Excellent off-kilter electronica from San Diego, “Asleep in the Party” is perhaps the highlight, reminiscent of Glass Candy / Chromatics but bathed in the dreamy samples that seem to happily afflict everyone on the Sincerely Yours label. This guy also makes more overtly disco tunes as Weird Tapes and has in fact now assimilated both aliases like some reverse dual-personality disorder and become Memory Tapes. Check it all out.
9
JOELSTOCK

MICHAEL JACKSON
Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough
Epic

I used to love dropping this in the middle of hip-hop sets at terrible nights where I was being overpaid to “DJ”/play CDs. Doesn’t matter how bad a party is or how reluctant people are to dance, this one always works. Why? Because it gets girls dancing. And when guys see this they soon follow suit. It’s a bit like a shit party corrector. Like Tippex for a mistake of a party. This is from my favourite era of MJ. Alas, Mike’s death has rendered this a bit useless now – it would be a little desperate to play this out now. Still, it’s better than your “get out of jail” tune being a Gary Glitter number, right? Right. Also, I’m not sure why double-A siding this with latter white-era Jacko is such a good idea. I would’ve put “Lady in My Life” on the other side. That’s some pretty smooth shit right there. Back then, you could see him going on to be like the new Barry White or something but instead he died looking a bit more like Teri Hatcher. “Leave Me Alone” I guess is kinda apt, although he is alone now, isn’t he. Or is he?
6
GENERIC CLAPTON

CHIPMUNK
Diamond Rings
Columbia

Who could have predicted this? A good MC turning his back on the impoverished grime scene to make a faux-Jay-Z girls’ anthem complete with a prohibition-era video that will hopefully catapult him onto T4. Shocking. Next month watch out for Tempa T’s new twelve-inch, “Girl You Are My Everything”, featuring Susan Boyle.
2
LENGY HENRY

FRANZ FERDINAND
Can’t Stop Feeling
Domino

Boo! Wholly contrived good times/summer holiday drivel complete with farty bass and bloody bongos. They were probably aiming for the dizzy heights of Blondie’s “Rapture” and Studio 54 glitter, but ended up crash landing somewhere near Blur’s “Girls & Boys” and Corky’s chocolate mint shots at three for a fiver. Almost impossible to listen to.
2
JULIA EBOLA

FRANKMUSIK
Confusion Girl
Island

Are these people fucking with me? I don’t even know what genre this would fit into, unless they actually have a whole grouping for musical accompaniment to weepy Hollyoaks montage scenes.
1
TUBBIE FRANK

PATRICK WOLF
Hard Times
Bloody Chamber Music

Listening to this, it’s hard to gauge just quite why Wolf and Universal fell out, because despite some fairly tasteful digital scree at the beginning, it’s business as usual for the electro/chamber ponce – sort of like if Mechanical Animals-era Manson stumbled into a My Life Story video. In other words, exactly what major labels should be releasing. In the pedigree of songs named “Hard Times”, this slots in nicely behind The CroMags, Baby Huey, and Laughing Hyenas.
8
TED WONG

FINDLAY BROWN
Love Will Find You
This is Music

Formerly a slightly psychedelic, sixties-inspired folkster, Findlay has now regressed a decade and now sounds like a Righteous Brother. Although this kind of strikes me as a cynical punt at the (Richard) Hawley pound, the song’s pretty good. I am, however, admittedly a sucker for a smooth voice with some strings thrown on top.
6
RANK SINATRA

FISCHERSPOONER
We Are Electric
Lo Recordings

Fischerspooner will probably never get the respect they deserve for their early work. Closing down central London to hold a three-day parade of elephants, marching bands, drum majorettes and Nubian slaves in their honour would simply be logistically unfeasible. That said, the fine line between their recent output and every single Depeche Mode “comeback” album ever has now been breached, and they should call it a day.
3
YASSASASIN WARSZAWA

LADY GAGA
Paparazzi
Interscope

You can take an ugly, puffy-faced girl who lies about her age (22, Gaga? Seriously?) and toss on Sasha Fierce’s no-pile, get Dre to do the beats, Formacetti to do the styling, Akerland to do the vid, pyrotechnic tits, elaborate stage shows, iPod screen glasses, 20 costume changes a day, an “entourage” of 12, elaborate riders and a “Christina Aguilera scandal”. But wouldn’t it just be better to at least start with a six? I know the pink pound is valuable these days, but hetero males are still a pretty big target-demographic. She looks like Peaches Geldof with mumps.
0
SHAGGY2DOPE V2.0

GIRLS
Hellhole Ratrace
Turnstile

You know the kind of voice that makes someone sound as if they’re deaf? Well this guy has got that whole thing down. A tortured voice crowing repetitive lyrics sails you off into a sea of fuzz till you’re kicking back with your legs hanging over the side of your two-birth rowing boat, spilling beer down your open-neck shirt, slurring those words at the sun-scarred twilight.
9
IAIN PRANKS

BENASSI VS BOWIE
DJ
Positiva

If Benassi vs Bowie were the undercard in a cage-fighting tournament, Dave would initially sink his ridiculously long and pointy teeth into the troll-like cheese-monkey’s fingers, but by the end, their grunts and moans would have morphed into frantic lovemaking, because something this wrong has never felt this right.
7
FLORIDA RYDER