PAUL CHILD
WORKING MAN 2009
Wales Records

The miners’ strike was a terrible time and, yes, Thatcher was and is a total bitch, but even that still doesn’t excuse this wretched ballad made even worse by this aging choirboy. Listen to The Mekons’ “Abernant 84/5″ for a truly great song about this torrid part of British history.
2
MARTHA SCARGILL

BRITNEY SPEARS
Radar
Jive
“There’s only two types of guys out there: ones that can hang with me and ones that are scared,” claims Britters. Hands up if you’re scared or the thick-necked skinhead sexosaur… Yup, that’s everyone.
4
HANGOVER HORN

CHICANE
Popiholla
Modena
Did you know that trance music still exists? Well, it does. And did you know that it’s become so bad now that… haha, sorry, bear with me… all you need to do is watch a popular nature documentary, take the most popular song and… haha, wait, wait… haha… put outdated synth sounds and shitty sounding donks over the top! Haha! And people will STILL buy it!! Ah, being a trance producer must be the easiest job in the world. Chicane and Tiesto are my heroes.
0
JUDGE FOOLS

CIARA FEAT. MISSY ELLIOTT
Work
Jive
Every mainstream club night plays sexy R&B and dance music. Trouble is, mixing between the two is pretty tough (different tempos and stuff), so until now DJs only had Rhianna’s “Please Don’t Stop the Music” to bridge the troublesome gap. “Work” makes their lives a little easier by sounding like a mix going badly wrong. It’s the perfect tool for nervous DJs to not only make the leap between R&B and dance, but make it impossible for anyone to tell if it’s been done well or not. This means it will get played a lot, therefore people will like it. And it’ll be a huge hit. Well done, Ciara.
3
DREW HILL

LEMONADE
Big Weekend
True Panther
A queasy acid burp of a record that sounds like coming down in a nightclub bathroom. Far from Dave Pearce-ing it, “Big Weekend” is the distillation of the insistent monotonous hum left in your head after eight hours of exposure to repetitive beats. You want to go home. You want the world’s longest bath. You never want to hear any music ever again.
1
SVEN WRATH

MIRRORS
Look At Me
Self-released
Ooohhh! Synthy, synthy, blazers and waistcoats! Like a lot of music made in the last ten years I am not really sure what it’s made for. I guess that’s the problem with music as an industry, people stopped making steam trains once they didn’t need them, but people are always willing to speculate that there will be a great market for music you can’t dance to or sing along to  or, as far as I can see, have any emotional bond with.
6
KINGDOM BRUNEL

PETER DOHERTY
Broken Love Song
Parlophone
First “For Lovers”, now “Broken Love Song”, Wolfman’s turned into Peter’s very own Cathy Dennis, pumping out sure-fire hits to crutch up his master’s now visibly wobbly talents. If “For Lovers” was his “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head”, then this is approximately “About You Now”, i.e. derivative but pretty not shit.
8
MARK BIANCO

PITBULL
I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)
RCA
It’s like some piece of irritating Eurotrash got turned away by Movida for not wearing enough tacky shite then had to do a ‘Teach yourself to count in Spanish’ instructional anthem to raise the funds for more mirrored sunglasses. Chapter 437 in the ongoing saga of a Cuban-American rapper who worked out early on that stupid women will dance to anything.
2
BB REAL

RAPHAEL SAADIQ
Never Give You Up
Columbia
Yuppies cry too, you know.

4
BARRIE CRADSHAW

SUB FOCUS
Rock It
Ram Records
Drum and bass records just remind me of being in the only half decent club in South Wales being buffeted by people dancing with their tops off. I am not sure if it’s just a Welsh thing or not, because I haven’t been to a drum and bass club since, but I have fond memories of that time and I thank Sub Focus for reminding me of it.
5
PHAT LACE

THE TEMPER TRAP
Sweet Disposition
Infectious
It’s records like this which make it so hard to get laid if you’re into indie these days. God, do you remember 2004? That was good: a brief glimpse of jock-life. Now it’s back to weird dudes and swotty girls snogging to music no-one cares about.
4
EDITH CROWMAN

THE WAVE PICTURES
Watching Charlie’s Angels
Moshi Moshi
The Wave Pictures’ debut was a brilliantly unique patchwork of Edward Lear nonsense and the chirpiness of artsy kids lost in tiny towns. Having established a strong brand footprint, David Tattersall should be able to keep his yokel Morrissey schtick going for years, but eighteen months on, as he reaches for his Big Book of Slightly Kooky Juxtapositions once again, it just grates like a mean old otter (tee hee).
4
KATHERINE RIDDLER

YOUR TWENTIES
Billionaires
Neon Gold
For the last six years, for no real reason, I’ve been humming “It’s Raining Men”. Thanks, then, Your Twenties because I’m now humming this.
7
HEAVE LAMACQ