ALINA FEAT. BASSHUNTER
When You Leave
Asylum
Basshunter makes perfect music for shit mega clubs frequented by off-duty bouncers and deranged posh students. You’d hope that this would result in a beautiful union of these disparate tasteless divisions of society, soundtracked by Basshunter’s 90s trance-inspired Europop, fuelled by Aftershock and Apple Sours, and celebrated by cries of “Raah”, and “‘Ave It”. Unfortunately they just go on different nights.
4
ALICE DEE-JOE
A MOUNTAIN OF ONE
Bones
PIAS
When did PIAS go from releasing outré dance music to shiny little gems of psyche-encrusted, perfectly executed songs that make most bands look like a bag of screaming arseholes? I need to pay more attention.
8
PERRY NUTKINS
BUSTA RHYMES
World Go Round
Aftermath
Busta has moved into the happy little gnome hip-hop factory. He spends most of his time in there with Spliff Star making wholemeal cookies and putting on weight. But between that and pillow fights he makes this kind of super jolly, upbeat, plinky plonky stuff that no one except for hard house remixers has any interest in whatsoever.
3
LENGY HENRY
MILES BENJAMIN ANTHONY ROBINSON
Woodfriend
Transgressive
Quad-barrelled name or no quad-barrelled name, being buddies with Kyp Malone and the guy from Grizzly Bear doesn’t automatically make you best singer-songwriter of 2009, no matter what Pitchfork tells you. Writing Byrds jangle-saturated, Velvets stomp-stealing, all-round great songs kind of does the trick though.
8
MARTHA SCATTERHEAD
REVEREND & THE MAKERS
Silence is Talking
Wall of Sound
“We just got a call from Socialist Workers Party headquarters. They need something to really get everyone dancing at the next Love Music, Hate Racism roadshow!”
“I’ve just the thing. Does it matter if it sounds like it was recorded in the early 90s and features a sample from “Lowrider” by War?”
“Hell no!”
5
TONY MOLESTER
NOBUNNY
Give It To Me/Motorhead With Me
Hozac
California’s very own demented schizoid Chuck Berry, Nobunny, delivers another awesome seven-inch on the equally awesome Hozac Records. A-side “Give It To Me” sounds like The Ramones playing The Barracudas’ “Summer Fun” at double speed, and B-side “Motorhead With Me” is simply just an invitation I could never refuse.
9
JOELSTOCK
Ah, is that the familiar stench of cock meat? Green Day, come in, we’ve been expecting you. This starts out like the slowie, the post-”Boulevard Of Broken Dreams” mop-up single designed to appeal to a more sentimental drivetime audience, but instead turns into Weezer’s “Beverly Hills”. If we were proper critics, we’d say they have “subverted expectations”, then we’d go back to listening to Fleet Foxes’ comedy cover version on Jo Whiley’s Live Lounge.
6
DAVE CLAUS
SPINNERETTE
Baptized By Fire
Anthem/Hassle
Brody Dalle goes electro-pop. World fails to shift on axis. I’d still take this over the entire Distillers back catalogue but I’d also probably subsist on Tabasco and raw onions for a month before being forced to listen that crock of crap again.
6
BOSH HOMME
HOLLYWOOD UNDEAD
Young
A & M
Charlie Scene, J-Dog, Da Kurlzz, Deuce, Funny Man and Johnny 3 Tears channel the spirit of nu-metal, complete with Slipknot-lite masks, and generally being incredibly bad. This anthem for disenfranchised rich American white kids totally slays if you thought Limp Bizkit were a bit too heavy.
0
FRED WURST
JAMES MORRISON
Nothing Ever Hurts Like You
Polydor
Derby lad James Morrison throws off the shackles of his acoustic guitar and let’s the groove run free over this track of completely anodyne blue-eyed soul. It’s just not quite as good a story as when Mick Hucknall threw off the shackles of his punk band Frantic Elevators for the anodyne blue-eyed soul of Simply Red, and this track certainly doesn’t compare to “Fairground”. However it is probably better than when Billy Joel recorded “It’s Still Rock N Roll to Me”.
3
WILLIAM JOEL
METRO STATION
Seventeen Forever
Columbia
I was going to pan these emo kids, who have made a whole song about poking 17-year-olds, but then I made the mistake of clicking on a video clip of them talking. They are just so cute. I couldn’t say a word against these chirpy little chaps.
0
TUBBIE FRANK
MPHO
Box N Locks
Wall Of Sound/Parlophone
After “Paper Planes”, Switch thought “I know – I’ll just sample the whole of another early-80s post-punk classic, get my latest client to do their ‘thang’ over it, and… ka-ching“. The difference, Switch, is that Mpho is merely a backing singer who’s been groomed into “sassy crossover pop” by her label. Pissing doggedly over Echo Beach, she takes a song about yearning after a half-imagined Xanadu as the tonic to the monotony of office life, and forges a dirge about, like, being cool. And stuff.
0
LARRY TITLER
MR HUDSON FEAT. KANYE WEST
Supernova
G.O.O.D. Music
I would imagine that picking a protege is fraught with danger. On one hand they need to be good enough that some reflected glory rubs off on you, but not so good that they can stab you in the back and steal your glory (see Korn/Limp Bizkit and the Sports Metal Wars of the late 90s). No chance of either here, I’m afraid, as Kanye shows up to give his Auto-Tuned seal of approval over some scraps shovelled up off Keane’s studio floor.
4
JULIA EBOLA
NEW EDUCATION
Another Miracle
Kids
New Education are a pretty terrible lad-rock band from Stoke-on-Trent. I have a friend who’s also from Stokey who happens to have a somewhat sour outlook on life. Perhaps if he listened to their euphoric choruses and optimistic lyrics rather than the latest Stephen O’Malley project he would be a happier person. But then he’d probably also be a total douchebag.
0
JOEL GALLAGHER
DOVES
Winter Hill
Heavenly
I blame Joy Division. Since 1979, any band formed north of Birmingham has felt the need to eschew tunes and good times in favour of earnestness and a po-face, usually signified by Big Country-esque reverbed guitar and slightly flat singing. All very worthy, all very turgid. And not a whiff of drug-addled messiah complex fun to spice it up. Pass.
6
TED WONG
TEENAGERS IN TOKYO
End It Tonight
Back Yard
Let’s crack open the family-fun-sized pack of barbiturates, pour ourselves a pint of scotch and end it tonight. It sounds fun. It also sounds a lot like CSS if they were the kind of surly, sloe-eyed girls who’d stab you up with a mascara brush. They’re icy. But they’re nicey. Better yet, the Heartbreak remix is possibly the definitive artefact of early 21st century culture and deserves to be kept under guard in a special kevlar vault beneath the British Library.
8
BRYAN CHRIST
THE TWANG
Barney Rubble
B-Unique
This song sounds like The Lighthouse family gone baggy and in the video the Twang are having a great time hanging in Croatia with a few old people and some Sangria. Who is this for?
0
GUY HANDS
