THE VIRGINS
“Hey Hey Girl”
Warner

The charming thing about the Virgins, or at least the song “Rich Girls” was they were a shitty guitar band trying to play R & B but failing in a dumb and glorious fashion. Then they re-recorded that song with some big shot producer who actually made them sound professional and ruined their schtick, which made them pretty rubbish. This is another song by them, which may have been good at some point, but now definitely isn’t. Basically if they hire me as their manager / guru I will make them shitty and glorious once more.
5
WALDO JEFFERS

DON DIABLO & EXAMPLE
“Hooligans”
Data Records

This is an incredibly incisive and stunningly accurate pastiche of all the worst aspects of music and popular culture from 2007.
1

JOHNNY UNHAPPY

THE RUMBLE STRIPS
“Not the Only Person”
Island

Mark Ronson produces The Rumble Strips. What could possibly go wrong?
1

TRAVIS KEANE

CHEATAHS
“Warriors”
Young & Lost

Lo-fi pop songs recorded on Garageband by a dude called Nathan. Sounds familiar, right? While there are similarities to that other slacker over in LA, this is more like Sebadoh’s slow tracks with Elliot Smith on vocals and is really very lovely.
8
ZOOMFIELD

THE GASLIGHT ANTHEM
“The ‘59 Sound”
Sideonedummy Records

Rejoice! They’ve cracked a way of foisting their turgid lumpen everyman Boss-rock onto a new generation. Simply dress it up in American Apparel and hand tattoos. If you turn this right down, you can just make out the breathless squeals of delight from fat girls who still pine for Jawbreaker.

1

JULIA EBOLA

CASCADA
“Evacuate the Dancefloor”
Universal

Before this single, the Cascada experience was akin to ogling the slutty, chavvy girl from accounts with the big thighs whilst someone punched you in the frontal lobe at a regular 130BPM. Now, however, she’s tried to go all Britney / Lady Gaga on us in some misguided attempt to break America or something. You still would though, on the sly.
4

TED WONG

DESOLATION WILDERNESS
“No Tomorrow”
K Records

This is awesome, like Neil Young’s “Walk On” put through so much echo and reverb that it comes out sounding like the best C86 band you never heard. At my festival of the best bands I’ve heard in the last few weeks I would give them the sunset slot. Well done, chaps.
9
JOELSTOCK

DJANGO DJANGO
“Storm”
Shadazz

I am not sure if Django Django is one man, many men, a man and a woman, or a man and many women. It’s difficult to tell from the MySpace page, and the warm, homespun stomp of this so-melodic-you’ll-be humming-it-all-week second effort could easily have been recorded in a sweaty basement on a crumbling four-track by a band or one very talented young man. Or young woman who has a voice just like man. It’s confusing. But very, very good.
10
JAMGO REINHARDT

PLUGS

“All Them Witches”

Kill Em All

The debut release on Filthy Dukes’ new inexplicably Metallica-referencing imprint combined with the ex-singer guy from Does It Offend You Yeah? was never going to be the second coming, but it’s a shame it doesn’t do the cheeky Viz meets vintage woodcut cover justice.
1
BIFF CURTAIN

DAN BLACK

“Symphonies”

A & M

Woah, the Danster crafts a moving and epic heartfelt tribute to Michael Jackson that sounds a bit like the Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony” and makes you think its author actually might be more than just a performing monkey kitted out in complimentary Urban Outfitters gear. He isn’t. And the Passion Pit remix is execrable.

2

LES PANINI

LETHAL BIZZLE FEAT. DONAEO
“Go Hard”
V2

Given how dismally low one’s expectations are for anything this guy puts out, this is actually surprisingly inoffensive. It’s just a breakbeat with Donaeo wailing over it and Mr Bizzle rappity-rapping about Christ knows what. Marked improvement.
6

URBAN TURBAN

MAXWELL
“Pretty Wings”
Columbia

If they ever make a film concerning the troubled life and times of R Kelly, this rubber-faced crooner’s dripping mulch could well be the soundtrack to the more unsavoury segments. A disturbing four minutes.
0

RALPH RAMSEY

YEAH YEAH YEAHS

“Heads Will Roll”

Polydor

You know what the Yeah Yeah Yeahs are saying with this awesome synth-rocker from their (cough) critically acclaimed new album? That’s right, they’re saying that heads will indeed roll when the police arrest the culprit who injected Michael Jackson with way too much morphine. Go go, Karen O!

5

CANARY DWARF

FIGHT LIKE APES
“Something Global”
Model Citizen

Come on, angry adolescent girl, it’s going to be alright. Just forget about Chad, the stud who broke your heart, he’s going to realise what he’s lost soon enough. Even if he doesn’t, just pick up that electric guitar you bought in a thrift store in Long Island/Galway (you remember, the one with the sticker on it?), dye your hair red, rant about the love that you lost and maybe, just maybe, make some “lovely noise that’ll make him love you”, despite the fact he fucking hates you, and for good reason.
0

TINA ANGST

ANIMAL COLLECTIVE

“Summertime Clothes”

Domino

Not sure how this tuneless drivel is meant to lift the spirits of millions of Michael Jackson fans in their time of need, but Animal Collective seem to think it’ll do the trick. How wrong they are. This “song”, like everything on that terrible new album, sounds like listening to the beginning of “California Girls” on a loop while someone rustles an empty crisp packet in your ear. Please make it go away.

1

JENNIFER JUPITER

THE LONELY ISLAND

“Like A Boss”

Universal

Whenever DMX wants to show a lady his “funny side”, he plays this in the car. “You see,” he explains, as they drive through New York to an expensive steakhouse, “the joke is that they’ve taken the Dilbert-style middle-management meaning of the term “boss”, and conflated it with the term as it is meant in the paid-tha-cost-to-be-the- hip-hop sense. That’s the joke. It works. It’s a good joke. Laugh, bitch.”

6

CATHERT THE EVIL HR DIRECTOR

CHAKA KHAN FEAT MARY J BLIGE
“Disrespectful”
Burgundy Records

A friend of mine claims she was once beaten up by Chaka Khan. Like, full on beaten. With punches and face scratching and hair pulling and everything. Apparently Chaka is crazy religous and thought my friend was Satan in disguise and leapt on top of her screaming, “YOU BITCH! YOU ARE THE DEVIL! I’LL KILL YOU!”. I’m pretty sure it’s bullshit as she never called the police or sold her story to the Sun or anything. Funny if it’s true though.
6

LA SHUZBIND

THE VOLUNTARY BUTLER SCHEME
“Tabasco Sole”
Split Records

Shit name: check. Wacky video: check. Glockenspiel: check. Looks like they’re destined for the big time. That being said, it’s not the worst attempt to copy those other non-starters The Coral that I’ve ever heard. There was that other band that had that video, where everyone was happy that the music that they were dancing too was mediocre and wouldn’t offend their gran.
4

SERGE MOLTASANTI

THE SATURDAYS
“Work”
Fascination Records

First time I listened to this, I thought it sounded like a Jamster ringtone version of Pussycat Dolls, but then I looked on the comments on the YouTube video, and read this: “hw can dey b lyk da pussycat dolls wen one sings n da rest r backin dancers n dey dress lyk sluts?” So thanks YouTube user talie234, you’ve really opened my eyes.
5

CHERYL COAL

KINGS OF LEON
“Notion”
Sony / BMG

This song makes me feel as though I’m in one of the final episodes of One Tree Fuck. I’m watching this kid with the perfectly kempt dusty blond quiff run into the sunset with tears in his eyes, laughing because he knows that the gang will always be friends. This all happens just as I ready the sight on my big fuck-off 1000-calibre automatic rifle and gun that fucks brains out all over the football field.
0

IAIN PRANKS

ZARIF

“Over”

SONY/RCA

Sexy and stylish Zarif is the hot new sound of British soul and this easygoing summer smash looks set to brighten the mood of anyone driven to despair by the news of Michael Jackson’s death. Her management might want to rethink her MySpace profile where Zarif is dressed like a prostitute. Her last single, “Box of Secrets”, was featured on a Sky TV ad, by the way.

6
THEYDON BOIS

3OH!3
“Don’t Trust Me”

Photo Finish Records

This evil duo have smelted down the most evil genres in all of popular music, then moulded them into a form of music that we had only ever dreamt could evolve. Anyway, now it has, and now we know why black people wanted to keep rap for themselves.
3

BOMBAY BICYCLE CLUB
“Dust in the Road”
Island Records

Had he lived to hear them, Steven Wells would have split Bombay Bicycle Club’s scrotal sacs end-to-end and burst their miniscule testes as though they were grapes, then called them something like “thimble-dicked, knock-kneed, piss-stained, security-blanket, woe-is-me, yes-we-got-these-guitars-for-our-birthdays, sub-awful bleating fucktards who make you ashamed to be human.” Miss u already, Steve.
0

SUSAN WILLIAMS