Last weekend I went to Castle Donington’s Download Festival. I’m kind of a metal idiot, so it was a good learning experience for me. Here are a few things I learned.
Metal can be tiring. The slogan of the festival was (and I promise I’m not making this up): “Rock by day, rest by night”.
Metal fans like to do things properly. This was taken while Devildriver were trying (and failing) to break the world record for largest circle pit in the presence of an official from the Guinness Book of Records.
Dreadlocks are the perfect hairdo for hiding a receding hairline.
Even the most hardcore fans need a 30-minute vacay from the mosh pit for a little shiatsu.
Limp Bizkit have really shitty security. This is me pissing in their tour bus shower.
And on their floor.
And the copy of Beerfest I stole from them (it’s “unrated”!!!).
Metal fans take Guitar Hero way too seriously. While Dragon Force were playing that one song from GH III, all of the fans had their hands in the air doing the moves from the game. I guess it’s kind of like when me and my friend Jenna were 13 and we watched the video for “Reach” by S Club 7 over and over until we could do the hand routines.
You’re never too old to throw on a Slipknot boiler suit and take your homemade Slipknot flag to the barrier and wait 10 hours for your heroes to take to the stage (this pic was taken at 11 AM, Slipknot were on at 9 PM).
Slamming guitar riffs in a pit of hellfire can be murder on your skin (SPF 45 at least!).
The staff at Metal Hammer like their crisps in a fancy wooden bowl.
Marilyn Manson is ugly and stupid and annoying and boring and old enough to know better.
And so is this guy.
Nothing says “metal” like distressed denim, a tailored shirt, brand new converse, hair gel and a fitted blazer (you’re gonna have to take my word for it when I say that’s what he’s wearing. Apparently it’s also really metal to not let any photographers into the photo pit unless they’ve been pre-approved by your management and filled in all the correct release forms).
Rock does not discriminate.
He is gay.
If his day keeps going this way he just might break your fucking face tonight. (BTW, it took five people to help him get down from the stage to the barrier, including Satan’s own steward.)
Arts and crafts are big in the metal community.
Journey’s singer is the Archangel Gabriel.
Rock fans like to drink beer. And they’re not afraid to let EVERYONE know it.
And if they can combine that with their love of crafts, then great!
Punk’s not dead. It lives on in fake Burberry-print Kangol hats.
JAMIE TAETE
For more on this summer’s festivals, and chances to win tickets, check out our Festival Channel now.
Reader Comments
June 16th, 2009
9:47 am
hahahahahahaha LITERALLY pissed myself a little bit laughing at this! excellent work!
June 16th, 2009
9:48 am
how does that girl in a wheel chair LOGISTICALLY get around a metal festival?!
ROCK DOES NOT DISCRIMINATE. But are there ramps into the mosh pits?
June 16th, 2009
9:49 am
“Punk’s not dead. It lives on in fake Burberry-print Kangol hats.”
hahaha never a truer word spoken!
that photo is ridiculously funny
June 16th, 2009
10:31 am
is so brilliant, make jamie an employee not just an intern. he rocks
June 16th, 2009
10:53 am
This is HIIIIILARIOUS. I love it.
June 16th, 2009
11:01 am
i dont think rock fans love, passion and belief in arts and crafts is anything to get sniffy about…..some of us take it as seriously as it should be taken…and thats very my friend….very.
June 16th, 2009
11:18 am
….. Why did you bother going if you were just gonna rinse everyone there and the bands that played - seems pretty pointless to be honest.
June 16th, 2009
12:34 pm
Hahahah, nice refreshing perspective. Love it.
June 16th, 2009
12:35 pm
Lincoln, have you ever read Vice?
June 16th, 2009
12:37 pm
love
June 16th, 2009
12:43 pm
Matt, its called having a sense of humor!
June 16th, 2009
12:44 pm
I mean, Lincoln, not matt.
June 16th, 2009
2:43 pm
deathroflz
June 16th, 2009
3:58 pm
Try satirising Steel Panther
June 16th, 2009
4:38 pm
I couldn’t afford to go this year, this makes me feel bad that I missed out on the lols :(
June 16th, 2009
4:43 pm
Lol @ Marvin Manson, with his charming attempt to freak out the establishment, twelve years ago.
June 17th, 2009
3:35 am
limp bizkit and korn are metal. ha.
June 17th, 2009
3:35 am
The final photo is the best. Spiderweb fedoras are reserved for only the hardest of the hard.
June 17th, 2009
3:36 am
by the time sundown came around, i’m sure everybody was already hungover and burnt out on whatever drug they were on.
June 17th, 2009
3:36 am
fedoras are the new must-have punk accessory. they have them in cool british styles and colorways!
June 17th, 2009
3:37 am
“hey look at all these paper cups i collected. rawk!”
June 17th, 2009
3:37 am
This review made my day better. Thanks.
June 17th, 2009
3:37 am
that’s crazy how he got into the tourbus and pissed all over their bathroom
June 17th, 2009
3:38 am
WOw…metal chicks are hot!
June 17th, 2009
3:39 am
Fucking brilliant. Where can I send a gift thanking you for pissing all over Limp Bizkit’s bus? I had no idea those assholes were still alive (and Korn, really?) So much for blind optimism, the ‘metal’ world remains tainted. But again, thanks for urinating.
June 17th, 2009
3:39 am
There’s got to be something more metal than metal.
June 17th, 2009
3:39 am
Who’s the guy in the distressed denim and new chucks??!
June 17th, 2009
3:40 am
Funny review, but you missed out on the best bands by making satire your goal. Next year, try mixing up the shitty-band bashing with some decent reviews of decent bands too.
For the record, Slipknot, Korn and Limp Bizkit are trash and even they know it.
June 17th, 2009
3:43 am
sunburn guy SCREAMS juggalo. fat fuck!
June 17th, 2009
3:45 am
PS: THANK YOU for pissing Fred Durst’s bus. You are a god among men.
June 17th, 2009
6:00 am
this is too funny!! my sunburn hurt laughing ha ha!
June 17th, 2009
6:10 am
Great, I must admit I had more fun laughing at the freaks than I did watching the bands. Except Fred Durst and co. R I D I C U L O U S
Download must be the lamest rock festival around. Which ultimately makes it the best!
June 17th, 2009
7:40 am
Its really easy to go to a metal show and make fun of everything and everyone, it would be just as easy to do it at a black lips show too. Hipsters all dress and act alike too it’s just a different pose than metal.
June 17th, 2009
8:29 am
I say fair do’s for taking the piss out of the crap bands and everything.
But I agree with a comment above, go watch Mastodon or someone to mix it up, so you aren’t drowning yourself in a tide of shitty 6th former angst.
To quote Wayne Campbell, they can really wail.
June 17th, 2009
10:15 am
Jaime remember that sound tec guy on the bizkit bus who was like ” i feel a real bond with you man its like we meet before, in a past life. like in 16th century, in sherwood forest or something”
HAHAHAHA you couldn’t make it up!
June 18th, 2009
3:56 am
What’s with all the whiney defensive douchebags? I’m a metalfan, we all know we’re lame. I thought this was hilarious. It’s so true that metal fandom is mostly composed of arts and crafts. Thanks for pissing in Limp Bizkuts shower. Those little bitches suck.
June 18th, 2009
4:30 am
superb, very funny and whats with all the sad people griping about this!!! It’s a light hearted perspective on a great festival. Couldn’t you have pissed in Limp Bizkits water cooler????
June 18th, 2009
7:40 am
This is amazingly funny but did you like anything? Do you like anything? Have you liked anything ever? Are you scared of liking things? Metal is mostly bollocks though!
June 19th, 2009
1:54 am
brilliant! the guy after the Manson shot was on my course at university. to see him humiliated on a mass scale brings tears of joy. thank you.
June 19th, 2009
1:04 pm
he looks like a groupie i bet the biskit weren’t limp when they fucked his ass and squeezed his man tits on the tour bus
June 19th, 2009
2:36 pm
This looks like the shittiest festival known to man.
June 19th, 2009
6:08 pm
Download is shitty awesome, its like a place you promise you woun’t go to again then next year bam your right back there and regreting it till you leave and then there’s next year again. After a certain point you just go out of habit.
June 21st, 2009
3:29 pm
Jamie rulez everyone else droolz
August 17th, 2009
11:50 am
This article was funny. Vice needs more articles like this. Metal is gay
August 17th, 2009
11:50 am
ROCK BY DAY, REST BY NIGHT