Se mai ci fossero stati dubbi riguardo e cosa ne pensasse il Nostro Signore del Barattolo Della Morte, stamane sono stati interamente sventati da quello che può solo essere un segno divino: l’apparizione di un enorme ratto galleggante nel cesso della nostra redazione.

Se qualcuno ha intenzione di mettere in discussione la validità di suddetta affermazione deve considerare quanto segue: a) abbiamo scoperto ieri che la consegna di topi che abbiamo ordinato la scorsa settimana è stata rimandata a venerdì, e b) sei un inetto. Smettila di fare l’inetto.

Dopo le appropriate esclamazioni di gratitudine e disgusto, il nostro peloso e sgocciolante emblema di investitura divina è stato preso e messo sul pavimento vicino al barattolo, in modo che si conoscessero prima di sposarsi.

Dalla sua ultima aggiunta, il barattolo della morte ha subito una magica e totalmente imprevista trasformazione. Il fetido stagno di acqua puzzolente marrone e torbida se n’è andato, sostituito da una vivida laguna arancione inframezzata da una bianca stalagmite viscida di pesce marcio e poo calcificato.

I raggi ambrati danzanti, rifessi nella melma selvaggia erano talmente poetici da farci quasi dimenticare l’olezzo terribile che permeava il tetto.

Seppure ci spezzasse il cuore disturbare i contenuti della giara fantomatica, dovevamo pur far spazio per il nuovo inquilino, e quindi con gran solennità abbiamo stappato il barattolo, e dopo qualche minuto di conati secchi abbiamo svuotato parte del contenuto malefico sul pavimento del tetto.

Il piano originale, cioè, svuotare la sacca del topo sopra il barattolo per poi chiuderla e andarcene, venne per forza scartato una volta che il maneggiatore del topo, catturato da un potente attacco di vomito, ha fatto cadere il contenuto della sacca per terra. Ricompostosi dopo un minuto di sbocco violento, il nostro preseil topo per le corna, come si suol dire, e lo gettò nella giara in ciò che può solo essere descritto come un tuffo carpiato. Il risultato? Un’onda anomala di melma maleodorante che, per forza di cose, ha costretto tutti ad un altra vomitata generale.

Il topo sembrava ben contento nella sua nuova casa (c’era anche un fiumiciattolo di detriti galleggianti attorno alla sua testa che rendevano il tutto più interessante), ma come già detto prima, la sua vita spensierata da scapolo aveva i giorni contati.

Ora possiamo solo aspettare e vedere come il nostro amico topastro si ambienti nei suoi nuovi quartieri.

Comments:

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Subject: Gross Jar
Date: Jan 28 2006 04:24:50 AM
Author: seventy-two

May be we should start a gross jar contest.
And finally we could build a Gross Jar Pyramide on public place to show the reason why we are on this planet

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Subject: auch sehr nett..
Date: Jan 12 2006 08:27:18 AM
Author: footy

wollte meine 6 jahre alten, schon ganz schwarzen birkenstock schuhe säubern und hab sie einfach mal in einem topf abgekocht...das ergebnis ist fatal: die schuhe sind am arsch und ich bin mir sicher das zeug nimmt es mit eurem glass auf. Na ja, es reift auch schon seit ca. 8 monaten in einer flasche...wenn ihr interesse habt sende ich euch gerne eine kostprobe für euer glass...;)

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Subject: lindas pussy farts
Date: Nov 25 2005 09:20:20 AM
Author: gross jarr...sdhfsdkfjg

did you guys know that that is gross.... ewwwwwwww. sick. gross jar. i hate it. ewwwww. gross jar. grossss!

ki have it?

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Subject: ...
Date: Nov 20 2005 09:22:06 AM
Author: ur mom

so ein scheiß ihr könnt es ja wohl alle auf deutsch lesen und verstehen.. warum posted ihr darn fuckers dann auch nich in deutsch...guess german aint kool enuff fo this shit, huh?!

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Subject: gross jar
Date: Oct 02 2005 05:18:11 PM
Author: Jennigirl6969

I'm shocked they took so long to heave. I felt saliva building just reading about the JAR.

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Subject: guh
Date: Sep 27 2005 07:50:42 PM
Author: kitten fod

i almost puked reading that, no joke.

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Subject: next
Date: Sep 26 2005 12:11:04 PM
Author: tom

i'm in favour of the lab idea too. and the yeast

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Subject: Here's a use...
Date: Sep 25 2005 03:31:24 PM
Author: "Tricky" Dick

Come on now, I'm sure you can find a way to use that thing the next time Dubya comes to New York...

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Subject:
Date: Sep 21 2005 07:07:36 PM
Author:

ebay that lil motherfucker
or break it somewhere very public

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Subject: barf
Date: Sep 19 2005 11:41:17 PM
Author: girl

i almost barfed while reading that...

that's fricken wicked!...

i've fallen in love with you guys.

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Subject: Juju
Date: Sep 16 2005 02:25:09 PM
Author: Voiceover Artist

Pour it over the roof on to the citizens

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Subject: call it quits
Date: Sep 09 2005 06:09:27 PM
Author: mark

I'll give you six bucks for it.

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Subject: wait...
Date: Sep 06 2005 10:23:47 PM
Author: Adam Nation

wait, is the jar kosher? thats amazing.

add bongwater from a pipe that hasnt been cleaned since jerry garcias fathers condom broke.

and an untouched big mag, no special sauce, thats cheating.

-adam nation
sharpskinred@msn.com

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Subject: what?
Date: Sep 05 2005 01:43:42 PM
Author: Nemo

No pork? Do you guys even read your own magazine?

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Subject: ?
Date: Sep 04 2005 05:04:29 PM
Author: jeremy

What is the fucking point of this?

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Subject: cork rockets
Date: Sep 04 2005 12:55:36 AM
Author: corky st. clair

my suggestion for releiving yr exhaustion with the gross jar:

when you were kids (or bored adolescents) did any of you ever take glass coke bottles, fill them half and half with baking soda and vinegar, cork and point them in any fucking direction and then run like the fucking flash? if not, then i think you have found the next ingredients for your gross jar.

all i know is that somehow the reaction increases the pressure in the container, which, depending on the seal of the container, will either make the top of the jar shoot off or explode the fucking jar. i would love to see that on videotape.

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Subject: am i gay?
Date: Sep 03 2005 03:12:20 PM
Author: sidecar lucy

i thought the jar was in london b4

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Subject: final resting of the gross jar
Date: Sep 01 2005 09:46:02 PM
Author: Taylor

I say let the jar go out in style - find someone who has wronged you, or a public space you don't care for - and strategically smash the jar somewhere.

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Subject: eBay
Date: Aug 29 2005 06:56:46 PM
Author: Rory

You can't sell human waste/excretion of any kind on eBay. The boys at Big Brother did it about 6-7 years ago and when a vial of Dave Carnies piss sold for upwards of $50 eBay made an official rule against it. I miss Big Brother.

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Subject: ahhhhh yes
Date: Aug 29 2005 04:28:33 PM
Author: orkid man

the gross jar will live on in my memory forever... such an epic tale.

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Subject: $$$
Date: Aug 29 2005 11:25:41 AM
Author: Adam

Sell that puppy on eBay

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Subject: you
Date: Aug 28 2005 05:12:10 PM
Author: me

I <3 the gross jar.

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Subject: more
Date: Aug 26 2005 08:30:09 PM
Author: jonnydishes

put it in a 5 gallon bucket and add a few quarts of piss. A small litter of dead kittens and one gallon of molasses should then be added. seal the bucket and store for approx. one year. At the end of next summer take the contents of the bucket and deposit them in a large basin. This will serve as the "dunk tank". Invite Bam Margera over and drown that retarded prick in the mess. Then call the CDC and have them get rid of the waste.

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Subject: rip off
Date: Aug 25 2005 08:38:22 PM
Author: pinkrobe

Spark.com did something like this years ago. Stinky Meat followed by Stinky Feet. They hid some raw meat in a guy's yard in the middle of summer and took pictures daily as it rotted. I think it was there for almost a month. For Stinky Feet, a guy wrapped his foot in a plastic bag and didn't open it for a month. I think he hurled when they broke the seal.

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Subject: god
Date: Aug 25 2005 06:22:09 PM
Author: dammit

gold fish

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Subject: death?
Date: Aug 25 2005 03:38:53 PM
Author: casebeer mafia

i bet even if you paid someone a million dollars to drink it it wouldnt be worth it because there is no way anyone would survive. but that would be awesome! hey what about those retarded jim rose guys? do you think one of those douchebags would drink it?

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Subject: lab
Date: Aug 25 2005 12:57:01 AM
Author: Rory

I was thinking the same thing about the lab. But more along the lines of what terrible bacteria or diseases are lurking in there. Obviously the next step would be human consumption but you'd have to have some solid proof that it wouldn't kill whoever was crazy enough to eat it. You know those red petri dishes they grow stuff on? They're made out of beef broth and jello and kept in a warm incubator dealie. You could probably grow some gnarly shit with that type of thing.

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Subject: make it better
Date: Aug 24 2005 09:52:18 PM
Author: randy

i'd take a HUGE shit in it.

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Subject: sss
Date: Aug 24 2005 05:24:25 PM
Author: dan

put some yeast in it. it will go fucking crazy.

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Subject: Fools, all of you!
Date: Aug 24 2005 03:39:34 PM
Author: turntablist

There's a loooong history of artists making good money off of bottled and displayed crap. Cash out of this one before someone drops it and you're forced to just mop it up. What a let down that would be.

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Subject: Use your imagination.
Date: Aug 24 2005 03:01:41 AM
Author: Miffy

I think you should make a special site for the Gross Jar, updated weekly. You reeled us in with the idea and now we demand more. For free, tiny fuckheads as we all are. There are no boundaries when an idea like this starts blooming.

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Subject: a lab
Date: Aug 24 2005 01:01:55 AM
Author: Jeff

Send some to some kind of lab and check out the science behind the stench.

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