Dos

FEATURES:

POTERE BASTARDO!

PESCE MARTELLO STO CAZZO

GREATEST HITS

EHI, PADRONI DI CANI!

DOPPIA FACCIA

SBATTITO ANIMALE

Il PEGGIOR NOME DI SEMPRE

COME CANTO’ L’ORSO BALOO

CHE PIACEVOLE SORPRESA

RUBRICHE

DOs & DON'Ts

IL BARATTOLO DELLA MORTE

PICS

SKINEMA

TIDBITS

BACK ISSUES

OK, è pacco parlare tutto il tempo dei bei vecchi tempi soprattutto quando non ci hai manco vissuto, ma come si possono giustificare questi vecchi sono-stato-in-prigione-e-me-ne-fotto-è-uno-scherzo che c’erano quando TUTTI i tram erano fatti di legno? I ricchi non li voglòiono alle feste perchè dicono cose tipo “Guarda sta cosa, cos’è? Pesce? Che pesce è? io se non lo compro fresco non mi fido” ma tutti li vogliono al loro fianco quando sei in metropolitana e c’è un punkabbestia con un coltello o un ago o il cazzo in mano. Quando tutti stanno li a guardare, il vecchio caruso glielo strappa di mano, lo getta via e fa, “Cazzo, stai attento, potresti far male a qualcuno, figliolo.”


Forse Allah c’ha ragione. tutte le notti la stessa storia. C’è sempre una tipa che fissi tutta la sera. Ti chiedi costantemente se siano le scarpe, i capelli, la cintura o Ms.Pac Man che ti attraggono così. Poi vai a casa e ti rammarcihi di non averle detto niente, di non averci manco provato. Quanti altri anni dovbbiamo soffrire? Potremmo avere delle tovaglie da mettergli in testa per favore?

Non ami le scoregge? Non ti viene mai voglia di scorrare da solo, giusto perchè c’hai voglia di ridere? Non li fai mai quesgli scherzi dove prendi una penna e dici, “Lo sai che queste penne hanno una camera d’aria che- se spingi qui fa così-” e poi ROOOINK! ne fai scoppiare una? Si? Anche io. Questa maglia è perfetta per noi.

Consideratelo un vaffanculo a tutti coloro che sostengono l’impossibilità dell’indossare scarpe più chiare del vestito. Chi l’ha inventata sta cazzata? Ci servono le scarpe beige e la cintura dorata, sono come caramelle nella sala chill-out.

Guarda un po questa piccola sensualona appoggiata con confidenza al bordo del tuo divano preferito? C’ha tutta una storia alla Falco più Bettie Page che dice, “Sai che c’è? Ti piacciono le nane. Metti giù il drink e baciami.”

Guarda cos’è successo ai punk. Si sono fatti talmente prendere dalla produzione etica dei vestiti che adesso sono praticamente fascisti. Sembrano quei precisini stronzi che trattavano male i nerd in Animal House.

Noterete che un giorno mentre vi state facendo una sega su una rivista porno vi imbatterete in una immagine di una tipa con le stampelle o qualche gesso e sarà tutto, “Che cazzo è? - SPLUUUIGG!!” Quando si spaccano il collo e indossano vestitini così praticamente succede la stessa cosa lì al bar.

Prince Perfect. Cazzo. C’ha tutti i colori che tu abbia mai visto, su un mezzo che non hai miai visto prima. E sai cosa? Non gliene frega un centesimo di cazzo di cosa pensate voi. Notare anche il ragazzino nell’angolo, come invidia il mezzo del principe.

Beccatevi un ragazzo nero a un concerto punk con una magli di un grupòpo Ebreo che fa cover di un gruippo Nazi. Quasi quasi senti i liberal di sinistra che urlano: “Noooooooo! Dov’è il tuo afro? E i tamburi etnici?”

Questa stylist è la ragione per la quale ci siamo rotti il cazzo delle zoccole. Vedere i DONT alla pagina precedente.

Questo trombettista nano sosia di Jerry Lewis l’abbiamo beccato a una festa siciliana, ed il verdetto è: grazie per averci ricordato la ragione per la quale odiamo la gente normale.

Click here for the DON'TS

Comments:

Subject: Bobby Pinz
Date: Mar 01 2006 05:43:30 AM
Author: girl who knows people

That "dwarf" is Bobby Muthafuckin' Pinz, bitches. Google her and show some respect. She's cooler than all of you hipsters put together.

Subject: 9.79
Date: Oct 02 2005 02:46:52 PM
Author: Pat

Is the security guy Ben Johnson?

Subject: Truth is in the anus.
Date: Sep 30 2005 02:06:14 PM
Author: Simeon Grozenburg

Your mouth is the anus. Hear the truth:

Subject: don';t want a subject3 either
Date: Sep 19 2005 05:57:55 PM
Author: Don';t want a name

I just fuckn rocked shit with the cool I said, riaders. Draw me a clown and I'll show you a fuckin prick. Draw me a prick and I'll show yo a cloan. Draw me. Come on you bucnk of fdukcin haves. I'm onto you. Don;t fo this ro me

Subject: scooterboy
Date: Sep 27 2005 09:15:24 PM
Author: caddyman

He could give one one-hundredth of one shit what you have to say about it.

Are you friggin kidding me?? Could he scream "I am in desperate need of your attention" into the megaphone any louder?

GOD I hate attention whores

Subject: leisure wear for hipsters and mafiosos
Date: Sep 27 2005 12:55:59 PM
Author: chlöe

i used to work next door to scooter boy's apt and he's awesome whether or not he gives a shit what others think of him. be honest, would you rather look at some fat douche in a gray suit driving an s.u.v. or a fit kid in short shorts with a hot neon scooter? exactly. you're just jealous your legs don't look as good.
i like that the kid on the left of the guy in the first pic seems to realize that telling mr.fuggetaboutit to put out his cigarette in the subway would probably cost him his life and the lives of those he cares about...but in a fun way. 'cuz life is short...ya know?

Subject: Eastern Furburger
Date: Sep 27 2005 12:20:22 AM
Author: Skweekah

Now that Asian chicks are more consistently growing monstrous hooters, the white woman is doomed!

Subject: Smoker
Date: Sep 26 2005 05:24:28 PM
Author: Chad

Who is that miserable fucking cow with the bitchy face who works in the Vice shop?

Vice are cunts. Fuck off. Leave NYC.

Subject: More fuckface
Date: Sep 26 2005 05:14:39 PM
Author: Chad

CUNT!

CUNT!

CUNTS!

Subject: black guys in suits
Date: Sep 26 2005 02:12:15 PM
Author: j

tall, skinny, 30+year-old friendly black dudes in suits are the coolest motherfuckers you will ever see. i spot about one a week just walking home from work and it's like a ray of sunshine every time. they just exude goodwill and constantly look perfect.

Subject: DIE DIE DIE
Date: Sep 26 2005 12:26:04 PM
Author: X-Vice Fan

Vice is trying to give us all cancer with this Shit! We must strike first before it is too late!!

Subject: Is that the P-Ster
Date: Sep 23 2005 09:11:22 PM
Author: Susan

The hipster preppie that guy is a bartender dude who thinks he is so great!

Subject: Vice is cool
Date: Sep 23 2005 06:19:39 AM
Author: Vicky

Just felt like sharing with the group...am super excited to be here with you all. I can't help being a little nervous, this being my first time and all, and now I feel lame for having brought cookies and juice along when you all seem so content with your beers and crack. But hey I'll go first shall I?

Subject:
Date: Sep 21 2005 06:53:44 PM
Author:

dad, bring my fucking trumpet back

Subject: nevermind
Date: Sep 20 2005 01:43:31 PM
Author: hawk

she looks a bit dodgy too

Subject: what
Date: Sep 20 2005 01:42:25 PM
Author: hawk

why do all the do's cept that italian chick look like donts?

Subject: don';t want a subject3 either
Date: Sep 19 2005 05:57:55 PM
Author: Don';t want a name

I just fuckn rocked shit with the cool I said, riaders. Draw me a clown and I'll show you a fuckin prick. Draw me a prick and I'll show yo a cloan. Draw me. Come on you bucnk of fdukcin haves. I'm onto you. Don;t fo this ro me

Subject: titties
Date: Sep 19 2005 04:15:03 PM
Author: Trond Greve

where are the titties?

Subject: first the la guide
Date: Sep 19 2005 02:09:54 AM
Author: fabi

now selena luna in vice??!? and chromeo in la for halloween? get off our nuts.

Subject: scooter boy
Date: Sep 17 2005 04:11:45 PM
Author: tackle

I heard prince perfect has his own television show called the alexander power hour, is that true? is that the same guy?

Subject: jewdriver
Date: Sep 15 2005 01:23:36 AM
Author: otowngrowl

jeez i hate any fanatic jingoism...jew, arab, catholic, wasp, you all suck...t-shirts that instruct suck...
skrewdriver is a nasty band that doesn't deserve to exist, hate may make dineros, but they are a relic of the past, today's society is too smart for fear-based protectionism, not to mention most redneck jarheads are totally uneducated losers in the game of evolution.
Re-evolution duh-huh!

Subject: huh?
Date: Sep 15 2005 01:14:57 AM
Author: La Declamadora

all these are pretty much don'ts for me...the only good one is the blurry shot of the jeans/belt/aloof girl...what is she doing anyway, nothin' special, just chillin' i guess...but the rest are all more like a slow month of semi-dos, any other one they'd be don'ts.
Lesson: DON'T try to meet a quota, and don't feed the animals, poor things.
But, I also like the inclusion of the little lady, she looks great! Bet she gets all the good shoe sizes...fuck, i'm a ten, think i get any special good styles in footwear? I'm lucky if I get a floor model.
So, so, jealous of short people, flarn filth, filth and flarn you lucky lucky petites!
All the guys suck, no do's at all, eechhh...
so, peace to all, do or don't, it's your life...unfortunately VICE will never get the uber-do or don't, it's too inexplicably personal, so i try to think that if i get a laff, then it's all good, but i hate mean comments, try posting your pic beside your comment, I'd LOVE that y'all...claro que si, por favor, entiende que la luz de esperanza nunca se apaque en su vida...

Subject: Utter wank
Date: Sep 14 2005 10:08:56 PM
Author: Turdbag

He could give one one-hundredth of one shit what you have to say about it? Bullshit. He cares plenty. Dressing like an under 10 and riding a children's scooter is what you would consider high fashion? What a pile of utter shit. What a pile of pretentious bollocks.

Also, Adam Nation, how big a Bill Hicks fanboy are you?

Subject: nicole
Date: Sep 13 2005 08:01:28 PM
Author: the dwarf

believe it or not FGTS that woman is a real dwarf. she's quasi-famous in the dwarf world.

Subject: Dwarf
Date: Sep 12 2005 02:50:22 PM
Author: Portlander

Unless I'm mistaken Ms. dwarf lady lives in Portland. I've seen her around quite a bit, at shows and downtown. If I see her again I hope I have the balls to ask her if she knows about being in Vice.

Subject: That scooter dude
Date: Sep 12 2005 01:33:56 PM
Author: cecil

It's not true that he doesn't give a shit what people think. He cares a lot. Anybody who tries that hard gives a humungous giant elephant shit about what people think of them.

Subject: 88 problems but race aint one
Date: Sep 11 2005 11:36:23 PM
Author: Adam Nation

thats because nazi skins sit around and jerk their limp dicks furiously until something like, jewdriver, comes to within 3 states of where they live. then they get half hard, and a bubble comes out the end of their mushroom, with a maggot inside. the maggot runs off and stabs the guys from Jewdriver.

Subject: What a twat
Date: Sep 10 2005 08:02:36 AM
Author: Zoot

its raining outside, and the guy on a scooter outside in it is a don't... what a twat

Subject: jewdriver
Date: Sep 08 2005 05:50:26 PM
Author: jewdriver

I tried to get Jewdriver to come up to my city but alas nazis can't take a joke and they were worried about getting shanked or something. If I was a Nazi i'd be totally into this group. I mean cmon.

Subject: jewdriver
Date: Sep 06 2005 10:06:30 PM
Author: Adam Nation

boots and bagels, roll your hair in coils!
boots and bagels, dont piss off the Mohels....

-adam nation
sharpskinred@Msn.com

Subject: ewe whant dis
Date: Sep 06 2005 02:17:25 PM
Author: skranky fohatidas

scooter green jew is wry lacey bustier wiseguy pop pearls brace fucktards from toot teet toot davis rolls dean rocks fuscia boobs - the next dillhen

Subject: yee haw
Date: Sep 06 2005 10:08:27 AM
Author: harvey duncan

pretty sure my friend made a song about this midget odd shaped sexy bitch...

anyways check it out here:

http://churchofthedollar.com/songs.php?q=oddshaped

click on the mp3 download nugget

shalome

Subject: oh shit...
Date: Sep 05 2005 01:13:28 PM
Author: Nemo

I wrote 'WHERE Stetsons' instead of 'WEAR Stetsons'. Ironically, Bush gets his hats and wee boots from this shop on I-35 that used to outfit LBJ, not Stetson, so he has real cowboy street cred...

Subject: scooter man
Date: Sep 03 2005 05:08:06 PM
Author: jeremy

Not so sure about scooter guy with the yellow shorts being a "do." Just don't know about that one.

A little bit too much self-indulgent irony here. Feeble-minded irony. The curse of this generation.

Subject: ugh
Date: Sep 02 2005 05:52:13 AM
Author: ugh

enough with the fucking photoshop

Subject: PRINCE PERFECT
Date: Sep 02 2005 05:45:01 AM
Author: Nic-O-La

PRINCE PERFECT...LOL!

sensual

Subject: Meu Deus !!!!
Date: Sep 01 2005 04:34:20 PM
Author: Rodrigo Fucking Brazilian

THE PROBLEM:WHERE´S THE BRAZILIANS. THE HOT GILS...SHE´S A FUCKING, HOT, DANGER BRAZILIAN GIRL, MAN!!!!(OR GIRL!!!)

Subject: Lady's comment about no guys in the 'Do'
Date: Sep 01 2005 01:53:24 PM
Author: Nemo

It's because East Coast/ Canadian men are fucking dinkless emotional cripples that use irony as a fuckin' crutch.
Vice came to Austin and shot the 7 bad looking people that live in town. Notice "The Real World' never shows actual Austinites? Cuz it would fuck up the entire balance of cool in the Eastern Empire
"What?-they don't ride horses and where Stetsons?"
ps-Ya'll can take back George W.-nobody really wants his ass here anyway...

Subject: material
Date: Sep 01 2005 11:02:50 AM
Author: apiif

i want that chicks beehive on my skull...
and how...
xo

Subject: nick
Date: Sep 01 2005 10:44:08 AM
Author: doof

re:i was just watching Etv and they are having some glamour magazine special on the "do's and dont's" of celebrity fashion.

Vice didn't invent the term "Do's and Dont's".
It's been around in regard to fashion advice for years.
My cousin used to say "That's a don't" years ago.

Subject: the ms. pac man chick
Date: Sep 01 2005 07:23:03 AM
Author: bob

Ms. Pac man girl's outfit is really bad

Subject: dos and donts
Date: Sep 01 2005 12:31:27 AM
Author: Nick

i was just watching Etv and they are having some glamour magazine special on the "do's and dont's" of celebrity fashion.

Subject: BLACKWARTS
Date: Aug 30 2005 11:08:42 AM
Author: SACK OF JEW EEEAAAAH!

SUGARMUFFIN YOU ARE LAME THE DWARF BITCH WAS IN THE DO'S ANYWAYS WHY READ A MAGAZINE YOU DONT LIKE AND YOU HAVE ETHICAL PROBLEMS WITH THE WRITERS GO READ FAIRY TALES WITH MISS MUFFIT SLUT

Subject: Fart T-shirt
Date: Aug 30 2005 09:15:49 AM
Author: Luke

I was staring at the fart t-shirt and if you look really closely it says 'AUTUMN' in the centre.

Subject: to Lady
Date: Aug 29 2005 12:03:35 AM
Author: leecifer

the problem is that there are no hot guys. they are all hairy stinky gorillas or else they are gay. that's why we get stuck with the pics of ladies- cause we're imminently better looking than the males. live it and love it.

Subject: i love weddings
Date: Aug 28 2005 11:56:56 PM
Author: leecifer

at the last one (greek orthodox, what a trip) I ended up doing the traditional dances with the groom's family before i fell flat on my back in the mud and had to be driven home by my little sister. i stripped outside my house and threw all my clothes in my neighbor's dumpster. and i'd borrowed the whole getup from someone. oops.
p.s. i dated that scooter guy in high school. in the 90's i was naive enough to suspend disbelief regarding his obvious flaming homosexuality.

Subject: weddings
Date: Aug 28 2005 09:55:17 PM
Author: Benjamin

I was at this wedding a few weeks ago and someone handed me a tamborine on the dance floor. I was hammering the tambo with heavy air guitar windmill blows when it slipped out of my hand and went flying accross the dance floor. I looked down and saw that both my hands were covered in blood, and all the people dancing around me had my blood splattered all over their dresses and suits. I realized that i cut my hand with the tambo, and went on to inadvertantly spray my blood all over the place with every vicious tambo-bang. it was a magical wedding, and i love you all very much.

Subject: dwarf not fotoshopped
Date: Aug 28 2005 07:02:08 PM
Author: sugarmuffin

hey jackass,i saw that dwarf on my space and she's totally fucking hot so quit crying about altered imagery. you're just jealous that she's got more confidence in her puffy perfect pink nipples than you'll have for the rest of your spineless life.

go back to the ordovician era, plucky.

Subject: bust a train on your meatflaps
Date: Aug 28 2005 04:01:48 PM
Author: saddlebags

that 'dwarf' is obviously photoshopped you douchelicks.

Subject: scooooooooooter
Date: Aug 27 2005 10:14:37 PM
Author: buhbuh too

you beat me to it.

Subject: scooooooooooooter
Date: Aug 27 2005 06:30:36 PM
Author: buhbuh

the best about the scooter kid is the little guy on the left with his own scooter being all "DAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn that's a sweet ride!"

Subject: hahah
Date: Aug 27 2005 05:42:14 PM
Author: mucha lady

funny thing is i know that kid in the jewdriver shirt

Subject: Something for the gals?
Date: Aug 27 2005 05:38:58 PM
Author: Lady

I love the dos & don'ts; ive even got the book, however, my biggest complaint is that there are countless pics of chicks half naked and shit, but where the hell are all the HOT GUYS?! Just roam the streets, pick a dude with genuine bed-head hair, dirty Adidas' sneakers and maybe some leg or arm tattoos, (playing a phallic instrument might be good too) take a snapshot, say something balls-out hilarious, and we're all happy!
You have women readers too, ya know.

Subject: Vice Shines On
Date: Aug 27 2005 10:37:37 AM
Author: NY Wannabe

The D & D section rules forever! Only time I laugh.

Subject: vice is the shit
Date: Aug 27 2005 06:29:28 AM
Author: aussie

vice is the shit, i mean these people don't give a fuck and do their thing and the shit they publish is absolutely fuckin funnny and orignial and i don't even know what else, to all those people that have something to say fuck off coz you're boring these people know what the fuck they're talkin about so please i dont understand posts where people have something to say, stupid fools. anyway i'll get over my rant - adios biatches

Subject: sensual little lady
Date: Aug 26 2005 10:56:09 PM
Author: Tim

Selene Luna fuckin' rocks and puts those other bitches to shame.

Subject: re: the gamer
Date: Aug 26 2005 04:54:08 PM
Author: molly

oh come one, deep down, who doesnt have a thing for freakishly skinny girls, eating disorders be damned!

Subject: scooter guy
Date: Aug 26 2005 04:20:43 PM
Author: erin

i like that the scooter kid has pegs on the back so if he finds someone suitable he'll be able to take them away with him

Subject: wish i had my camera
Date: Aug 26 2005 03:31:18 PM
Author: maddie rection

oh god. i had the epitome of a do the other day. i was driving by a strip mall and saw this old lady with a pink cowboy hat on. it wasn't like she was trying to be a "young kid" or a raver or anything. she just had her sunday best and a pink cowboy hat on. i was kicking myself for not having my camera with me. i want to be that old lady when i'm 80.

Subject: demographics
Date: Aug 26 2005 02:29:49 PM
Author: JASON

some of the people replying here are completely missing the point..

Subject: uhh huh
Date: Aug 26 2005 11:26:33 AM
Author: Thumperings

hey chucky cheese. it's a boat that's what boat's do.

Subject: gay
Date: Aug 26 2005 10:39:37 AM
Author: ash

you talk about girls' clothes way too much to be straight.

Subject: Bernie Goetz
Date: Aug 26 2005 09:02:29 AM
Author: me

Bernie Goetz was rad. Those punk kids had it coming to them.

Subject: festival
Date: Aug 26 2005 07:34:19 AM
Author: festival

i wrote to you guys last week like a wicked long email--- you never posted it and i have been frantic trying to locate it to sent it again, my advice for u is to please be considerate to other people's origional ideas!

Subject: scooter kid
Date: Aug 26 2005 02:42:10 AM
Author: d-money

skoo-ter kid is rad

Subject: wow, vice has lost it
Date: Aug 25 2005 06:28:03 PM
Author: gawd

my my. what does it take to write something witty and original? you all should just stop it now. quit before you end up on the magazine rack at Walgreens.

Subject: I got one of them!
Date: Aug 25 2005 03:54:43 AM
Author: Robin Reliant

Jewdriver are fuckin great so stop dissing them! They're taking the piss outta right-wing boneheads and are doing a fuckin good job!
www.myspace.com/jewdriver
www.jewdriver.com

Subject: Classack
Date: Aug 24 2005 09:26:41 PM
Author: Thelaststarfighter

The orientel hipster ragammuffin trumpetoire is a triumph. I am still cracking up. If you want a dont field day - come down to the New of Zealand and walk around some of the parties your magazine has been throwing of late. Way to immolate the brand (look it up in the dictionary fuckmooks.)

Subject: towels
Date: Aug 24 2005 09:08:26 PM
Author: Bobby

no idiot. TOWEL HEADS. He's saying he agrees with Islamists where they say women need to be covered because it's too distracting.

Subject: huh?
Date: Aug 24 2005 03:39:12 PM
Author: lucy

i didn't get what you meant with the towel comment for ms. pacman--oooh! like for when you cum on her face? wow that was funny.

Subject: the gamer
Date: Aug 24 2005 12:51:41 PM
Author: Mr. man

That chick playing Ms. Pacman is doing it in a DC bar called Wonderland. And if it's who I think it is, Vice has got a serious fetish for anorexics.

Subject: Itlian stylist
Date: Aug 24 2005 11:26:04 AM
Author: Eileen R

I have been working on that Italian stylist look my whole life and she just beat me to it. damn! I am only buying clothes while travelling from now on. We need a Top Shop in USA!

Subject: sorry, but this sucks
Date: Aug 24 2005 03:28:20 AM
Author: cheeky

yeah
most of these do's could have been in the don'ts a few issues back

this issue is off

Subject: slightly less crap
Date: Aug 24 2005 02:27:48 AM
Author: chucky

dudes, you should check out this tugboat I'm watching right now. It's just plowing through Hong Kong harbor in a driving rainstorm, burying the bow in the waves and surging ahead. That's a DO right there. Ah, it went behind the Four Seasons and I can't see it now. Dammit.

| Site Design: Solid Sender