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Quando andavo a scuola, una volta mi sono infilata un hot dog nella vagina. Si è spezzato a metà mentre lo infilavo. Mi è venuto un colpo e, se non fossi riuscita a farlo uscire spingendo, non so come avrei fatto. Avreste dovuto vedere che scena vederlo cadere sul pavimento del bagno. Giurai, quella volta, che non mi sarei mai più infilata niente in quel posto. Ma gli anni passano e poi, si sa, una volta provato un hot dog non si torna più indietro. Sono comunque passata a del cibo più sicuro. Qui di seguito trovate i risultati di alcuni miei recenti test. Sono in ordine dal migliore al peggiore. CAROTA: Semplicemente la verdura più sottovalutata nell’industria del sesso. Le carote sono un po’ il Jean Natè della masturbazione: il dildo preadolescenziale, ottimo per le ragazze appena passate dal pannolone agli assorbenti interni. Pelate una carota e passatela sotto l’acqua tiepida finchè non la sentite morbida e umida al punto giusto. Dopo l’atto, potete baciarla, coccolarla e chiederle se le piacciono gli arcobaleni e/o i delfini. ZUCCHINA: Le zucchine o courgettes, ovvero una delle cose più grosse che tu possa mai sperare di avere dentro di te. Se la carota è il tampax ultraslim, la zucchina è quello maxi per i giorni di flusso pesante. E’ la Samantha di Sex And The City delle verdure sessuali. Ho purtroppo tagliato la parte finale della zucchina e ciò ha reso l’ingresso un po’ hardcore. Per le neofite, consiglio zucchine di piccole dimensioni. Sarà comunque molto soddisfacente, non preoccupatevi. Per conferma, provate a infilarne una nel culo al vostro ragazzo (se ve lo fa fare, non ci sono dubbi. E’ gay.) PANNOCCHIA: che dobbiate lavare accuratamente tutte queste verdure non va neanche detto, ma con la pannocchia non mettetevi a togliere i chicchi o a pelare quei ciuffetti pelosi che ha sull’ esterno. Limitati a pulirla bene. Portala a temperatura ambiente e preparati adeguatamente. A me sinceramente non ha fatto altro che graffiarmi. ZENZERO: “Oddio, hai qualcosa di assurdo che ti esce dalla vagina!” Questo è ciò che direbbe chiunque si imbattesse in te mentre ti stai masturbando con lo zenzero. NON è per principianti! Con tutte quelle gobbe, punte e sporgenze, potrebbe far arrivare a sbavare il tuo punto G. Se non hai ancora trovato il tuo punto G, lascia perdere subito questo gustoso tubero. MELANZANA: Lo so che il nostro organo sessuale è in grado di dilatarsi abbastanza per far uscire un bambino, ma non penso che sia possibile riinfilare i bimbi dallo stesso passaggio. Non c’è stato verso di infilare questa cosa nella mia vagina. Ho provato di tutto, e fatto ogni sforzo possibile per rendermi elastica ed accogliente, ma la melanzana è un cazzo di pallone da calcio. Impossibile. 3 su 10. KIKI MOOLER |
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Comments:
Date: Apr 28 2008 07:20:12 AM Author: good and plenty ;-) What you have to doo to make the eggplant fit is to work it slowly to the size of the eggplant. Just start using bigger and bigger objects till you'r stretched ( since the vagina will tighten it self up again you'll have to work on this project every day) some bottles seam to do the trick for some. There are also super sized butt plugs in sex stores. you pick your poison. good luck and when you get it to fit post it. I'd love to see it Subject: ??? Date: Dec 26 2007 10:36:44 AM Author: dalia does your mommy read this Subject: 9.1.07 Date: Jan 09 2007 08:09:38 AM Author: Nina hahahhahahahhahahhahahhaa loooooooooooool so fucking lol funny Subject: LOL Date: Aug 07 2006 01:44:50 PM Author: fan i will try. Subject: ohhh ma gox Date: Jul 25 2006 06:41:27 AM Author: me me me what the fuck are you talkin about?All of yous must be ill in your heads.Mingin freaks.Would smash everyones face in if i could. Fruit is there to eat not do the freaky stuff what yous got in your head. Get a life poor cunts Subject: veggies Date: May 06 2006 06:56:11 AM Author: cucumber now i know what it means "chief-salad" Subject: Food??? Date: Apr 24 2006 09:48:25 AM Author: Mr Dr Science Dude Can you still eat the veggies after??? do they taste better or worse? cos my gf tastes awesome. and wondering if turning these tools into a salad after is a good idea? Subject: rose-apple Date: Apr 18 2006 03:54:08 AM Author: deathsketch Why stop at veggies? Im sure you can use that wonderful mind of yours and put anything to good use. Im sure the next thing we'll hear you say is how rose-apples are for amateurs. Subject: Date: Apr 14 2006 06:18:25 AM Author: Ivan Lennovitz Your writing skills are fucking weak-sauce. Go back to selling lemonade on the street, twat. Subject: shindlers shopping list Date: Apr 13 2006 01:00:51 PM Author: la the next article needs to be how to use everyday household items. Subject: veggie slut Date: Apr 13 2006 07:25:55 AM Author: treach Try a coconut,it will make a woman out of you Subject: eggplants Date: Apr 07 2006 10:51:27 AM Author: langdon alger once, about 16 hours into a 20 hour coke binge, my friends and i were looking at steakandcheese.com just to see some ill shit and they had video footage of a woman on all fours and then all the sudden you see an eggplant come shooting out of her ass. if this girl was a real slut she could've at least fit it in her cunt. D for effort. Subject: aua! Date: Mar 24 2006 07:48:35 AM Author: hmh aber wirklich dieses girl is very very dirty Subject: Japanese egg plant Date: Mar 23 2006 07:00:24 PM Author: nasu Er, may I suggest Japanese egg plants (they may be called "nasu"). They are thinner and have a width very similar to a cucumber, plus they're all curvy not unlike actual penises. As a side note, egg plants in the wild have thorns on them Subject: thi shit is banannas Date: Mar 22 2006 06:42:21 PM Author: Gwen Stefani yeah why do you think I made that song. bananas in my vagina are the shit. Subject: eh Date: Mar 22 2006 05:52:28 AM Author: Aybee eeeehhhhmmmmmmmmm eehhhhhhh........uuuuhhhhmmmmm.............................. .............i dunno WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, YOU CRAZY PERSON, YOU FREAK...................... I lack of any other words to say i cleaned my throuat so that my amazement over your stupidity would leave my body. Subject: queeftastic Date: Mar 21 2006 09:39:53 PM Author: veg-ina These comments are about 20x funnier than the actual article Subject: nasu nasu Date: Mar 21 2006 12:24:29 PM Author: Kyomara The Japanese have a running joke about eggplants being a good substitute for a penis, but their eggplants are a lot smaller. Subject: cooter food Date: Mar 21 2006 02:33:42 AM Author: oh shit this is the best thing i've seen in vice in hella days. i really hope that some real lady actually like for real shoved all this shit up her coochie for science and it wasn't just made up but i guess like whatever if it was. the ginger shit was retardedly funny. Subject: Hahahaaa Date: Mar 19 2006 07:39:23 PM Author: Dirt Diggle I like how females stick food in their vagina than get rush to the Emergency Room because it broke off.You dirty BiTCh! Go buy a dildo and douche' that puss cause it must stink.... Subject: corn!! Date: Mar 17 2006 07:07:20 PM Author: tara big up on the corn! gashed up though? HOT Subject: Foods Date: Mar 15 2006 08:02:29 PM Author: Puss E. Lovett Try the Kiwi bullet. The texture of the skin on the G-spot is simply delightful. I'm moving to New Zealand tommarow...! Subject: fucked up Date: Mar 15 2006 07:52:15 PM Author: Green Grocer Wow.... are's web sites about this shit and your an amatuer Subject: veggies/fruit Date: Mar 15 2006 07:55:17 PM Author: teaser the pleaser I know this chick that can shove a bunch of celery stalks right up the the old tweety hole and then serve them with salad. Subject: PLANTEN Date: Mar 15 2006 07:14:41 PM Author: H_Bela_fonte I used planten (oversize, not very sweet banana relative) on a young lady once. Considering she was a little bit frigid I was quite surprised she was up for it, more still that that she couldn't get enough. Word of warning: Use FRESH PLANTEN ONLY. Mine was on its last legs, and wasn't up to the pounding it delivered, eventually causing a rupture in the base of the fruit, which created a rather unpleasant visual composition. Subject: veg dildos Date: Mar 15 2006 06:01:22 PM Author: Zoo Keenie I used a zucchini on a girl once, and then fucked her. I should've done it the other way around. Subject: Fuck Fruit Date: Mar 15 2006 10:35:07 AM Author: Banana Man you must have a hole like a bucket! Subject: Urgh Date: Mar 14 2006 09:58:15 AM Author: Billy Gayboy Why don't you cram some feta cheese and tuna fish up there and be officially crowned Miss Rancid Yeast Infection Pussy USA 2006 Subject: cheaper than dildos Date: Mar 13 2006 07:17:03 PM Author: vegan sex This sentance- try sticking this baby up your boyfriend’s butt! (If he lets you do it that means he’s a gay.) is priceless, it made my day- and from this sentance alone I can tell I would be freinds with this writer. Even though I do not have sex with food. My ex once put a condom on a peperadge farms sausage she had given me for x-mass and fucked it while I was out on tour. The funny thing was that she was vegan. Subject: Date: Mar 13 2006 01:18:52 PM Author: my girlfriend\\\'s cucumber ho ho, get it? like eating out... but a whole new twist. Subject: . Date: Mar 13 2006 10:33:00 AM Author: . Those veggies look suspiciously glisteny! Subject: Mato Grosso do Sul Date: Mar 13 2006 08:50:41 AM Author: Wichita Sam Why don't you park a car up there you loose nasty bitch Subject: eat me Date: Mar 12 2006 06:36:03 PM Author: food eater You forgot the best part: Serving the food to your friends later. Go on, sneak a food fuck with your room mate's carrot. He/she will never notice what a naughty bitch you've been. Subject: hell yess Date: Mar 12 2006 04:50:35 PM Author: college-girl this autumn ...inspiring ... ! ... but what is it with bananas ?? I know it's not a veggie, but it's like the most dick'ish thing commercially talking.. but it does't seem to get to a carrot's kneesocks in real life use ?! Subject: chinko Date: Mar 12 2006 03:32:34 PM Author: holly jolly Great for homos too! Subject: parsnips Date: Mar 12 2006 10:09:53 AM Author: spring onion it now becomes entirely clear why so many girls in college are vegans AND lesbians. the vegetable world has taken over the need for man. |
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