Viceland - SORPRESA! - Bin Laden Va In Vacanza In Cina

Secondo una nostra fonte anonima (ebbene si, anche noi abbiamo le nostre fonti, come i giornalisti veri), collegata con l’ISI Pakistano (i loro servizi segreti), Osama Bin Laden vive da un anno nell’area della Xinjiang, regione cinese di maggioranza musulmana, nota come la Taxkorgan Tajik. L’intelligence americana, inglese, e pachistana lo sta sorvegliando da settembre dell’anno scorso, ed è proprio da quel periodo che le agenzie dei tre paesi stanno intavolando un dialogo con il governo cinese. Ci sono segni che lo scoop sia vero: sebbene le autorità cinesi rifiutano di commentare, le autorità regionali hanno appena trasferito uno squadrone nell’area per “training antiterroristico.” Sforzandosi di mantenere rapporti rilassati fra le due superpotenze del mondo moderno, il governo pakistano, seguendo direttive delle forze speciali americane, ha spostato un “numero elevato di truppe” sul confine cinese.

Questa notizia confermerebbe un’articolo apparso su Vice nel 2002, il quale sosteneva che Bin Laden fosse presente in Cina già mesi prima dell’undici settembre, forse anticipando gli attachi al regime Talebano nel vicino Afganistan. “Se ci pensi, è completamente logico,” sostiene la nostra fonte anonima, “Bin Laden non è un idiota: è naturale pensare che abbia organizzato un nascondiglio perfetto per evitare ritorsioni dopo l’attacco al WTC, e francamente, non riesco a immaginare posto migliore della Cina. L’America non ci può fottere.”

Ma ci sono anche elementi della società civile pakistana che non apprezzano il rischio di un confronto militare con la vicina superpotenza. Un comunicato ufficiale scritto da un ufficiale ISI nel tardo 2005 contiene accuse serissime verso il governo di Musharraf, reo di aver strumentalizzato le truppe pakistane per usi geopolitici, e di rischiare il peggio posizionando battaglioni sul confine cinese. “I pakistani avevano paura di essere tirati nel mezzo di un conflitto geopolitico mondiale, ovviamente. Non volevano fare il lavoro sporco per l’America. Quando ho intercettato questo comunicato, non avevo idea di cosa trattasse. Perchè provocare i cinesi con l’aiuto dei pakistani? Poi ho cominciato a scavare. Non ero pronto per una scoperta così sconvolgente.”

Gli americani stanno sorvegliando quest’area dall’estate del 2005 aver intercettato una telefonata che poteva essere una conversazione tra Osama e un luogotenente di Al Qaeda. Poi a settembre hanno stabilito con certezza che si trattasse di Bin Laden grazie all’aiuto dei satelliti spia. “Quando ho visto le foto satellitari sono rimasto di stucco. All’inizio non lo riconoscevo, ma quando sono riuscito a mettere le mani sul supercomputer della CIA (come in quell’episodio della Signora In Giallo), allora sì che mi sono cagato addosso.”

EDOARDO MORETTI

Comments:

Subject: Ben ladin
Date: Mar 30 2006 12:33:56 AM
Author: zj

I think said he is possibly does not have in China! Other countries but actually have this seriously are possible!

Subject: I call BS
Date: Mar 20 2006 06:35:49 PM
Author: Dude rocker

There's no way that Osama is anywhere near Tashkargan or Karakol lake as the earlier story claimed. I've been there a couple times and can say that the area is just crawling with Chinese soldiers. The area is super remote, but there's tons of bases nearby. With all the worries of Uighur unrest, they wouldn't let that fool anywhere near their country.

Subject: come on
Date: Mar 13 2006 02:41:45 AM
Author: get informed

Its unbelieveable how many of you take these articles for factual stories. When the issue is titled "Verdad" ('Truth' in Spanish) and every image in the issue is photoshopped, what do you expect. It is an original and well done critique on the current state of affairs socially, politically, and throughout the media. I never post, and its sad I felt I had to explain this to people. Maybe this was Vice mags way of weeding out their moronic fans. Well Done.

Subject: aklrjf?
Date: Mar 12 2006 02:22:20 AM
Author: freakofnature

"leave the real reporting to actual news sources"

You mean the "actual" news sources who told us Iraq was tied to 9/11, had mobile weapons labs and could attack the US within 45 minutes with their WMDs? While "morons" like me were saying the opposite?

Now run back to your myspace acount and write posts to your shit hipster friends about how cool it is not to care.

Subject: 2
Date: Mar 10 2006 04:58:52 PM
Author: 1

3

Subject: booshibby
Date: Mar 05 2006 04:42:17 PM
Author: fuggwah

i come to vice not for politics, but satire. leave the real reporting to actual news sources, please. you guys are morons who should not attempt to be interested in politics, i know it's cool and everything, but you are humiliating yourselves.

shankeeeyoooovaarrymoosh

Subject: cough ahem bullshit
Date: Mar 02 2006 10:52:54 PM
Author: Carlos Ray Norris

I call bullshit on the source. This story has two effects.
1. Reinforces the idea that Bin Laden is still alive which keeps the idea in Americans heads that terrorism is lurking around every corner. This also justifies continous war.
2. China Bad. When you put China and Bin Laden in the same sentence the right wing nutbags can cook up a conspiracy that the commies are behind Al Qaeda. Even though the story does not link the two, in the minds of suggestible red state citizens this is all you need to prove that the Chinese are Osama's handlers.

Subject: Dilemma?
Date: Mar 01 2006 09:33:50 AM
Author: Mr. Owl

How is it possible for a turd to shit his pants?

Tell me that Mr. Moretti.

Subject: bin dead for some time.
Date: Feb 28 2006 08:17:50 PM
Author: soulinite

He's been dead since 2002. He was an old man with serious kidney problems and you are trying to tell me he has survived for 4 years in a cave?

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,41576,00.html

http://www.whatreallyhappened.com/osama_dead.html

http://www.whatreallyhappened.com/binladen_9-11_truth.ht
ml

Subject: Co-habitations laws
Date: Feb 27 2006 11:01:31 AM
Author: Elvis

It's true. Myself, the king of rock and roll and the beardy guy are living together.

Subject: CALL CTU YOU CUNTS!!
Date: Feb 25 2006 02:57:09 PM
Author: SunWukong

I just got off the phone with CTU, Jack Bauer is on his way to China right now to perform felatio on osama.

Subject: Unlustig
Date: Feb 25 2006 07:06:47 AM
Author: spankmouth

UNLUSTIG!
selbst für'n fake unlustig, einfach nur low!

Subject: that ^
Date: Feb 22 2006 12:22:01 PM
Author: . .. .shotgun wedding ;;; <||3

woa, this is like a big scoop - yew guys could earn a fortune! (not that yoo shud put a price on the magazines, keep them free - that's how yoo get yewrr readers =P....)

Subject: $%^
Date: Feb 22 2006 10:29:13 AM
Author: JimmyTrash

Bah... So the latest issue of vice is all made up of fallacy as a secret theme.

How many trees have to die to produce irony?

fuck you vice.

Subject: no! osama is really in china...trust me!
Date: Feb 20 2006 06:40:09 PM
Author: beaupeurt

wondering through the mountains of Taxkorgan Tajik, day 16 of my expedition; i came across a pile of washed and dried dishes, i then noticed on the side...a white tea towel - stiched in gold, the initials... O.B.L.
trust me before the Bush government please.

Subject: CONGRATULATIONS
Date: Feb 20 2006 02:32:59 AM
Author: EDITOR OF WASHINGTON POST

Wow you guys broke a major story.

I finally figured out this issue - Vice decided they had too many readers and needed to cut back about 30%. This issue should accomplish that.

Subject: uma
Date: Feb 18 2006 01:33:28 AM
Author: Tim Carr

the secret theme is dad sex, thats what verdad means in cuntmouth. truth be told.

Subject: killer score
Date: Feb 17 2006 02:48:57 PM
Author: little brother

i believe you.

Subject: Oh,no,no,no,no
Date: Feb 15 2006 04:29:50 PM
Author: teh

Ummmmmm...Ok???
Yeah, that'll be the day when I get my Osama update from some slouch-hog hipster mag.
C'mon guys.
I mean, you don't see CNN trying to mooch on over into your scene - you know, snorting coke and spending your mom's money.
Now, which diesel jeans are hottest for spring?

Subject: whatever trevor
Date: Feb 15 2006 03:18:33 PM
Author: willy sniffer

fuck off conspiracy nobs, the idea that bush and osama are in on it together is bullshit, read the 911 commission report (biased blah blah). America would rather have him in custody on parade anyday!
1984 uh huh ok,
maybe thats the point of this issue,
ignorance is strength!

Subject: LI 223-H The Blog as Literature
Date: Feb 14 2006 07:03:00 PM
Author: Masticator

This post is not on topic. It will be removed.

Subject: Bin in China
Date: Feb 14 2006 08:54:48 AM
Author: Jameela

You really have some dickheads who read your magazine.

Subject: ?
Date: Feb 13 2006 04:16:10 AM
Author: Goof Ball

Dood.... Bin Laden is dating my mom... They've been kicking it since a couple years after my parents divorced... But I got dirt on him with this 9/11 shit so he's under wraps... So national security is no longer a concern for us. Let's go smoke an L...

Subject: holiday in afghanistan
Date: Feb 10 2006 01:09:41 AM
Author: that was me farting

I knew it was bull shit as soon as I read "just like 'real' journalists."

Subject: blah blah
Date: Feb 09 2006 10:30:16 PM
Author: derka derka

i am an assfucker ftom derka derkastan. My wife's buka keeps getting caught in the car door. Luckily though I am planning on stoning her to death sometime next month. This is because she talks back and I am an islamic fucking retard.

Subject: not real
Date: Feb 09 2006 04:01:35 PM
Author: duh

i think this issue was vice's way of finding out how stupid their readers really are.

Subject: 9/11
Date: Feb 09 2006 01:24:03 PM
Author: mr. conspiracy

What about the theories purporting that 9-11 was a planned demolition?.. The motive is simple: widespread fear (like in 1984). Just go on Wikipedia and enter 9-11 conspiracy... the truth is out there folks.

Subject: got him
Date: Feb 09 2006 12:57:22 PM
Author: you know who

it's the mirror issue

Subject: Bullshit
Date: Feb 09 2006 11:26:34 AM
Author: King Cunt

I get the impression that every article in this issue is a complete fucking lie. Although the bastards who write for Vice are so perverse, that it's impossible to tell.

I think it's bullshit though.

Subject: !
Date: Feb 09 2006 08:55:29 AM
Author: dub:H20

Makes sense, true or not.

Like the US is really going to do anything to BinLaden...he's on their side, just a scapegoat

Subject: ok
Date: Feb 09 2006 12:28:33 AM
Author: nesa

shrimp ramen, flat coke, and piss.

Subject: xx
Date: Feb 09 2006 12:15:28 AM
Author: fgf

again, bin laden will never be caught or punished because his father and family pours millions and millions into the pockets of the bush family and administration. The point of this is explained in 1984

Subject: retarded
Date: Feb 08 2006 11:45:33 PM
Author: holla

China is worried about Muslim unrest in Uighar province, so why would they contentedly let Bin Laden hang out in their backyard. This story is idiotic.

Subject: none
Date: Feb 08 2006 09:47:50 PM
Author: jimmy

i call photoshop

Subject: whoa
Date: Feb 08 2006 09:14:12 PM
Author: damn

major scoop!

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