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Ogni giorno che passa, l’Africa diventa sempre più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più strana e più fottuta. Più il continente è messo male, più succedono cose strane. Se il presidente distrugge un paese, arrivano in salvo gli shamani. Se poi addirittura manca il leader, pressoché chiunque si sveglia e decide un bel giorno di passare metà del tempo a scavare fosse comuni e l’altra metà a riempirle. Scherzi a parte, passano tutto il tempo a riempirle, e se non ci sono fosse libere abbandonano i cadaveri in quelle orribili posizioni che quando li vedi nelle foto pensi ”perché non ho letto l’avviso prima di cliccarci sopra? Ora avrò quelle immagini in testa per il resto della mia vita. Merda.” Che cazzo sta succedendo laggiù? Tipo, cos’è adesso il totale di morti a Darfur, un zilione di miliardi? Per non parlare degli eserciti di bambini a cui è stato detto che bastava mettersi una croce di plastica al collo per evitare i proiettili. E dell’uomo che si fa chiamare Michael Jackson che massacra i tuoi in tua presenza e così non hai altra scelta che unirti alla sua gang. E poi c’è il generale Butt Naked, che riesce a diventare invisibile quando la gente sta per sparargli. E che dire della gente che in Sud Africa si scopa i bambini per guarire dall’Aids? E poi, sentite questa: sapete che il presidente dello Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, ha detto che è lecito sparare a tutti i bianchi e prendergli la terra? Anche se ciò significa starsene in piedi su migliaia di ettari di raccolto senza sapere che farsene. (Ottimo piano, Mugabe. Lungimirante). Ha funzionato, no? No, non ha funzionato. Le cose sono infatti cambiate da quando un nuovo ragazzo sta minacciando di prendere il posto di Mugabe, e il suddetto presidente coi baffetti alla Hitler si sta letteralmente cagando addosso. Il suo nome è Rock and Roll (si, esatto. Rock and Roll), e si nutre solo del sangue delle vergini morenti. Più hanno sofferto nel momento di morire, più il loro sangue è delizioso. Scopriamo chi è questo ragazzo. Rock and Roll è alto 1 e 65. Pare abbia 17 anni. E’ cresciuto orfano e nomade in Sudan e i suoi poteri includono: immortalità (finchè scorrerà sangue), invisibilità (che originale), immunità dai proiettili (di nuovo, tutto qui?) la capacità di volare (finalmente uno nuovo), l’abilità di mettere incinta le donne senza toccarle e l’abilità di entrare nei tuoi sogni alla Freddy Krueger (come Kim Jong II, Rock and Roll è un fanatico di cinema, quindi molta della sua roba trae ispirazione da Hollywood).
Dan Fleming, uno di quelli che ha investito tutto il suo tempo in Medici Senza Frontiere, ha rischiato la vita tentando di sottrarre una vergine dalla presa di Rock. E’ uno dei pochi sopravvissuti che ora può raccontarci qualcosa. “Le aveva praticamente bevuto tutto il sangue e la stava lasciando morire” dice Fleming ancora nel panico. “Allora ho cercato di aiutarla ma i suoi ragazzi mi han visto e mi han riempito di calci”. Fleming si ricordò che qualcuno gli aveva detto che Rock considerava sacre le chitarre e il loro potere lo lasciavano pietrificato. “Iniziai a far finta di suonare una chitarra, e funzionò. Non ci credevo. Stavano per ammazzarmi ma smisero appena inziai a fare ‘naaa na na naaa na na na’ e si misero a correre e a urlare.” Il presidente Mugabe non è più in grado di difendere i giornalisti, i Medici Senza Niente e neanche se stesso. Il suo esercito è composto di 12.000 soldati scalzi, di cui il 42 percento ha l’AIDS, ma Mugabe resiste. “Rock and Roll is dead (è morto, ndr)” ha dichiarato giovedì scorso ad un’agenzia di stampa clandestina. “Non mi fa paura e non fa paura alla gente dello Zimbabwe.” Si, come no. Una recente statistica dice che l’87 percento della popolazione dello Zimbabwe crede ai poteri di Rock. Un sacco di gente l’ha visto volare via dai proiettili e diventare invisibile. Insomma se c’è un posto che ha bisogno di un supereroe per riscrivere la propria storia, questo è lo Zimbabwe. E’ vero, uccidere vergini e berne il sangue non è bello ma chi siamo noi per imporre i nostri valori ad individui magici di un altro universo? Se Superman tornasse e per salvare la terra chiedesse il sacrificio di un paio di cuccioli , sono sicuro che qualche animalista alla PETA insorgerebbe. Proprio loro che hanno ucciso migliaia di cuccioli per chissà quale bene supremo. Se Rock and Roll si candidasse a sindaco di Londra, dovrebbe scalzare questo attuale di sinistra che sta facendo comunque un ottimo lavoro. Ma ciò non accadrà, soprattutto perchè Rock vuol fare il presidente all’inferno. Sapete bene che l’universo è infinito. E che quindi ci sono infinite possibilità. Perciò è assolutamente plausibile che esistano altre forme di vita. Ed è plausibile che queste forme vogliano venire qui a fare un po’ di RI-forme. Capito cosa voglio dire? Comunque, Mugabe è finito. Nessuno ha la forza di un Mandela per prendere in mano il paese. Quindi l’unica speranza per questo paese è un incredibile supereroe che in realtà così magico non è, ma cazzo... non si sa mai. E poi, qualcuno ha un’idea migliore? TOMMY ARAK SMITHS
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Comments:
Subject: Re: Sickening ignorant CUNTS Date: Feb 29 2008 01:58:52 PM Author: Fitz The amount of ignorant, middle-class American fuckheads commenting here, and what they have to say, is fucking disgusting. I would say something if you were all redneck, white thrash pieces of shit but you're not; you're just obnoxious, racist middle-America pieces of shit. I'm ashamed to be the same colour as you cunts, fuck off and die - if you guys are average Americans, then more of you should have been killed in 9/11 Subject: this is what scares me most Date: Dec 12 2006 03:52:27 PM Author: v e r not the fact that theres someone drinking virgin blood makes me scared and its not making me scared that its possible to fill a whole magazine with bullshit and everyone would believe it (not just talking about vice...) but what s c a r e s me most is the way some of you guys here react to all this stuff (no matter whether its true or not) like, 'what the hell i don't care' STOP being CARELESS (if theres just a tinytiny bit of truth, i'd like to cry, even if its rock an roll who is running around naked with just his boots and gun - it would make me cry - i mean what had happened to all of us?) Subject: ass holes Date: Sep 26 2006 07:58:31 PM Author: afican to all the ass holes who wrote their stupid coments and the bloody reporter who write lies fuck kids of hoes.first the fuckin rock and roll guy is not zimbabwean and we do not have civil war to have such pple.cant u see it looks like pple from sudan and never had of anyone killin a vigirn or rapin akid to be cured from aids stop been selfish and start writin real stories fuckin idiots Subject: africans Date: Jul 31 2006 09:49:21 AM Author: Blue Eyed Devil America was not built on the backs of africans slaves. It was built on the backs of poor white people. Seriously, there isn't enough cotton to pick on this planet to sustain a whole country. And I agree with what someone wrote earlier....Only a small number of Africans were sold into slavery. Africa is dead. It's a blackhole of need. You could put billions of dollars into it by next week and it would still need more. AIDS is rampant there and it will eventually wipe the country out. My job has been hiring many Africans and let me tell you , they are fucked in the head. The all believe in voodoo and magic.. Can you believe they are scared of me because of my blue green eyes?? They say I have cats eyes and cats are the devils work.. WHAT THE FUCK?? It's hysterical.. I'm know and the blue eyed devil to them. What moron thinks sleeping with a virgin will cure AIDS? I could go on and on about this shit.. it's funny how stupid people use slavery and ''the white man' as excuses to be useless human beings. Subject: WHITE DRUG ADDICTS Date: Jun 18 2006 11:46:08 AM Author: IGNORANT IDIOTS Africa is a rich continent suffering from being bullied by whitepeople. To who ever wrote this piece of shit. Yu need to read proper published material not react to propaganda from the tabloids. IT WILL ALWAYS REMAIN A WONDER HOW WHITE PEOPLE GOT ONE OVER THE BLACK PEOPLE. BLACK PEOPLE ARE SO UNITED AD CARING. My white counterparts on the other hand are nothing but selfish, drug addicted fools. The British public are too stupid to realise that the colonial days are over meaning they have nothing left to give them an income (Britain has no raw materials) Im sure u didn even know that. You governments are shitting themselves now trying to convince the black brothers to globalise. But the black people are bolder now. so if you think Mugabe is a fool u r ignorant he makes Tony Blair shit in his pants. If all the other African presidents drive white people out countries like Britatin will have nothing to live off. Even the welfare benfits that our poor wirter lives on(Must be on benefits coz he got time to come up with stupid things) wont exist no more. GET AN EDUCATION YOU IDIOT. YOU ARE SO MISINFORMED YU MAKE ME EMBARRASED TO BE WHITE. You must be from the lower end of the classes. probably left school at 15 to work in MacDonalds. Subject: That was fucking brilliant... Date: Mar 10 2006 03:59:59 AM Author: Jess Sad that Africa is so fucked. Subject: Get a clue Date: Mar 07 2006 06:23:59 AM Author: Bongo Most of the Africans in Africa are just fucking savages. Dont believe me? Come and see for yourself. I laugh my ass off whenever I see an educated "African American" on television getting all teary-eyed and nostalgic about his "Roots", about "His People" and especially about his "Motherland". Fuck off please, you should be grateful your ancestors were sold away as slaves, even if you live in the worst ghetto in America, you will never know the depths of poverty, violence and depravity people are capable of. Subject: indie rockers Date: Mar 07 2006 09:37:15 AM Author: hate i hate indie rockers. Subject: this Date: Mar 06 2006 09:07:42 PM Author: haarpo heh heh, thass funny. seriously. I'm not gonna kill myself anymore. thanks. Subject: lol Date: Mar 05 2006 10:39:26 PM Author: signjets LOL Subject: dick in my other Date: Mar 01 2006 03:13:52 PM Author: guinness in my hand yeh im sure the new asshole writers said myspace was kewl, but dont worry the originals never did or would. Subject: newscorp rawks my world Date: Feb 28 2006 03:19:55 PM Author: Leopold's Ghost ALL of the porno review, somewhere in the music section too... Subject: myspace? Date: Feb 28 2006 08:37:43 AM Author: Leopold's Ghost hey Leopold's Ghost, when did vice say my space was cool. by the way i agree Leopold's Ghost, it was a goooood article Subject: Rock And Roll Has The Solution! Date: Feb 28 2006 04:33:52 AM Author: Leopold's Ghost This article was fucking great. ...Vice mag managed to offend me this month with several gratuitous references to myspace being kewl though - was this part of the verdad theme? Or the more sinister neocon agenda??? Subject: Serio, homes, serio for real!! Date: Feb 27 2006 03:07:56 PM Author: No joke I went to africa on a church mission to spread aids awareness two years ago and this guy Rock and Roll is real. We actually met a mother of a child who was victim to his slaughters. She blamed his upbrining(typical execuse, may a be a lack of God , I mean sheesh) but we later came to find out how hooked he was on western culture. He subscribed to maxim, stuff, GQ, Vice, and other reputable publications. I cant keep writing bullshit, as you can tell from the previous sentence, but how the fuck did the author come up with this shit? I mean serio, homes, your fucking laced up from the face up.(Dont cop that last line either you fucking biters, shit was so hot my fingertips burnt just typing it) Subject: Africa Date: Feb 27 2006 11:47:04 AM Author: Reality What? Subject: Africa Date: Feb 26 2006 06:21:46 PM Author: Reality Check "Africa is what happens when you ravage a continent for able bodied, intelligent, and attractive people...They took all the good ones and built America upon their blood/backs. " Um, that sounds ok when you write it down but too bad it doesn't take into account the numbers. A minute fraction of Africans were taken out of Africa for slavery and they were not chosen for their IQs. In fact, the majority of slaves had lower IQs than the majority. And slavery did not build America's economy. You think the wealth of America is based on some cotton? What about the white slaves dying in the mines of Virginia? Truth is America's wealth came from the hard working poor, most of whom were not black. Your simplistic view of history is very romantic but it's way off. China, on the other hand had 50 milion smart and creative people slaughtered by Mao. The entire middle class was wiped out. They're still much smarter, on average, than whites. There goes your nurture over nature argument. Subject: africa is hillarious Date: Feb 27 2006 09:29:33 AM Author: dude Wow killing all the whities didn't instantly solve all of Zimbabwe's problems?! Shocking! I really am pulling for this Rock and Roll guy though. A self professed vampire named rock and roll as president of a country, albiet a totally shithole? Totally awesome. Subject: Africa Date: Feb 26 2006 06:21:46 PM Author: Reality Check Africa is what happens when you ravage a continent for able bodied, intelligent, and attractive people....send them to another continent to work as slaves,leaving all the indigent,mentally disabled and physically handicapped. Just imagine the effect that would have on a population. No wonder they are all crazy and violence prone over there. They took all the good ones and built America upon their blood/backs. Subject: ROCK N ROLL BABY!!!! Date: Feb 25 2006 02:42:56 PM Author: SunWukong What the shit? I cant believe some of you people think rock n roll isnt real.Ive Seen him myself and believe me you nay sayers.Hes out there and he wants your virgin blood. Subject: vice fashions Date: Feb 20 2006 03:14:53 AM Author: hello boss i think vice is class act for donating it's fashion section to the militant people of Zimbabwe. Subject: YA Date: Feb 20 2006 01:21:14 AM Author: GENIUS THERES A REASON WHY AIDS IS IN AFRICA... THE RICH WHITE MAN CREATED AIDS IN A LAB.. SHIPPED OUT TRICKED VACCINES BUT IT WAS REALLY AIDS... THERE IS NO RACISIM.. ITS CLASSISM. BLACK PEOPLE ARE THE DOMINATE SPECIES.. ANY WAY... THIS IS WRITTEN BY A WHITE MALE.. GONE BE GONE PREJUDICE Subject: Africa sucks Date: Feb 19 2006 05:54:27 AM Author: papercut Africa will be a shithole for eternity Subject: paul simons graceland i reckon. Date: Feb 18 2006 03:41:46 PM Author: the!!!!!! Shes got diamonds on the souls of her shoes. Subject: . Date: Feb 17 2006 11:27:59 PM Author: Ching Ching Africa is out of control. It's way too late, yall. Subject: Stupid Date: Feb 17 2006 12:13:01 PM Author: Happy Richard Just let them all kill each other. I cannot give a fuck anymore. PS Your magazine is shit. Subject: He's Cracked the Can Open Again... Date: Feb 17 2006 11:43:36 AM Author: MORE COWBELL No seriously; 'Babwe has got some collosal ladysmith black mambazo shit coming out of it in the now. Get on the Mugabe train - we're all loving the Arak chat down at Tepster.luke Subject: africa Date: Feb 17 2006 09:19:58 AM Author: jono what a bunch of fucking idiots. OK Mugabe is a meglo freak with brain disease and guns. He's also very ugly. But mostly Africa is the most beautiful and awe inspiring home of the human spirit. It's got fucked up and fucken amazing all rolled into one... Talking of ugly meglo freaks who run a country of mostly supid Hicks, let's not forget Dubya and the USA. Subject: great article Date: Feb 17 2006 07:38:38 AM Author: great article well done Subject: People getting upset about vice. Date: Feb 17 2006 06:53:51 AM Author: doof Ha. Liberals are so easy to wind up. "blatant racism" "Sickening" "Vice is part of the Neo-Conservative agenda" Yeah, I'm sure all these middle-aged Republican senators just love reading Vice. Retards. Subject: idiots Date: Feb 15 2006 07:02:38 PM Author: cesa really? it's fake? retards, 'verdad' for a reason...stop reminding me why i hate most vice readers Subject: ugly Date: Feb 15 2006 01:55:09 PM Author: tomahawk why are all africans fucking ugly Subject: ummm Date: Feb 15 2006 12:46:45 PM Author: germany black people scare me...... so do gays dikes and vaginas Subject: Puppets Date: Feb 15 2006 10:41:50 AM Author: Shorty McAdoo This article is boring, repetitive, and thoughtless. I don't understand why there are all these positive comments. Write something real. Subject: too funny Date: Feb 15 2006 07:30:37 AM Author: Carolyn If only any of you had actually been to Africa. You would see it is a beautiful and safe place full of wonder - JUST KIDDING! It is a very scary place and every day I wake up I look at teh stars and thank God I am in Canada and not still there. Murder is rampant. So is magic and voodoo and other crazyness. If you think it's so great please go there. And not to a rich white safari but to the Congo or Kenya or Zimabwe. It's way worse than you think and anyone there would leave if they could. Subject: what was he thinking Date: Feb 14 2006 05:59:40 AM Author: Mr Unknown Im sorry but this review must of been writing by a foul mouth child, over exacuation on weider, im sure there are more words than this to describe zimbabwe. Subject: rock and roll Date: Feb 14 2006 12:30:19 AM Author: bethb this may be the funniest thing ive ever read, but maybe its my soft spot for anyone or anything named rock and roll, or any name with guitar in it Subject: cunadian Date: Feb 13 2006 09:20:51 PM Author: Weed Dick "I don't know if this is strcitly 'on topic' but Gavin McInnes - founder of Vice - take it away..." No it's not on topic, but I sense your outrage and you obviously haven't been following Vice for very long. McInnes's quote is entirely rational for a number of reasons. Plus, McInnes is a co-founder. The real founder is a Paki. McInnes also married a non-white, and I'm positive he used to fuck Asians. Subject: * Date: Feb 13 2006 04:31:25 PM Author: ricet ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah.... ha ha ha ha ha send in Bill and Ted in "No guts no glory - for the US of A" If we guess that the whole issue is bullshit themed do we win a ball lick? Best issue yet though. Subject: . Date: Feb 13 2006 07:35:09 AM Author: . I don't know if this is strcitly 'on topic' but Gavin McInnes - founder of Vice - take it away... "I love being white and I think it's something to be very proud of," [McInnes) said. "I don't want our culture diluted. We need to close the borders now and let everyone assimilate to a Western, white, English-speaking way of life." Subject: Weird Africa Date: Feb 13 2006 05:04:08 AM Author: Menace How can anyone call himself 'General Butt Naked' and really keep a straight face while managing a military infrastructure? Well, maybe the Boot Camp Clik... But I think the Africans just got so bored after decades of being poor that anything goes for a laugh these days... Subject: frank zappa Date: Feb 12 2006 04:49:19 PM Author: brian586 Too bad he's dead, he could go over there and wail on his rock axe and stage a junta. Maybe someone could get carlos santana or eddie van halen to pay a visit. Subject: Neo-Conservative Propaganda Date: Feb 10 2006 05:51:31 AM Author: bobby the builder "We really need to start making playing cards of these guys." further proof that Vice is part of the Neo-Conservative agenda "At the start of 2006, more than half the people of our world live in democratic nations. And we do not forget the other half -- in places like Syria, and Burma, Zimbabwe, North Korea, and Iran -- because the demands of justice, and the peace of this world, require their freedom, as well." -George W. Bush 01/31/06 Subject: africa still fucked? no fucking shit. Date: Feb 10 2006 07:03:03 PM Author: matt i'm over africa, the whole continent. it's an endless pit of need. fuck it. i don't even read articles about africa anymore. write some shit about south america, a place that could actually be fixed in time for our kids to see it. Subject: Kenya Date: Feb 09 2006 08:17:43 PM Author: Peter This was close to perfect. One problem. I lived in Kenya for 5 years and this story isn't even close to how weird it is there. MOST of the mass murdering psychos claim to be impervious to bullets. In fact, if you pay a Ju Ju man $2000 (which everyone who can afford it does) he will make you bulletproof. They recently tested out a new Ju Ju man by shooting a baby post bulletproof and, after the baby died, they lynched him for being a fraud. And that is the tip of the iceberg. Subject: Sure... Date: Feb 09 2006 03:27:44 PM Author: Mox "Plus, the title, "Holiday in Zimbabwe," is a rip from the Dead Kennedy's classic '80s album, "Holiday in Cambodia." Too obvious. " And the title "Holiday In Cambodia" is ripped off of Frank Zappa ("Holiday in Berlin")... Subject: Milanoff Date: Feb 09 2006 01:43:54 PM Author: n. Pablo the elements of imaginary were funny Subject: Plus ... Date: Feb 09 2006 06:02:11 AM Author: Les Neuhaus/Rogue Wire Plus, the title, "Holiday in Zimbabwe," is a rip from the Dead Kennedy's classic '80s album, "Holiday in Cambodia." Too obvious. Different title would've been better. Just some constructive discourse Ed. and Co. ... Subject: Don't know what to say really ... Date: Feb 09 2006 05:48:35 AM Author: Les Neuhaus/Rogue Wire What up kids. This is Les from the Rogue Wire team in Nairobi. I have to say, this article is obviously a fake, and it's funny - kinda. But this article delegitimizes the real articles coming out o' Africa here that are, like, true. Plus, anyone with a fourth-year, political-science wit can write this shit. Plus, Zimbabwe is soooooo-oo-o--o-oo fucking played, man. Whoever wrote this, I'm guessing, is English and gets their news diet from, like, um, Sky News ... With the color brought to you ala Vice Editorial team (sorry Jesse), if not the whole thing. There are way better countries/stories to wax all kinds of gonzo about - Mugabe and Co. is like yesterday's, yesterday's news. Yawn. Subject: ok. you win. Date: Feb 09 2006 05:28:35 AM Author: Cyril Sneer Yeah, remember the article about the reporter that was able to buy a nuclear war head of the black market. That was well written... ...this was a good story, for any media, but it should have been written better- we would really worship rock then! Subject: Ha ha ha Date: Feb 09 2006 01:31:30 AM Author: Sandy this is the funniest thing I have ever read. I can tell this whole issue is lies but this one was hilarious because some of it is true. Funny shit. Subject: huh? Date: Feb 09 2006 12:15:44 AM Author: russ so, mugabe is a fascist sociopath criminal and an incompetent one at that, given. Huge swaths of sub saharan africa have descended into the deepest level of hell, also true. But what's your beef with doctors without borders? Subject: indismagzin Date: Feb 09 2006 12:03:20 AM Author: ever'onzaful This was the worse lie of them all. Some of the others were plausible, but this is just to stupid, even by African standards. I'll enjoy reading the comments that build up in the next week or so, since most people won't get the joke. Subject: This "magazine" is a joke Date: Feb 08 2006 09:42:48 PM Author: American Patriot "Hip to Be Square: It’s geting cooler to be conservative." The gig is up guys. You can't hide blatant racism and hatred by being "cool." Sickening. Subject: changy Date: Feb 08 2006 09:05:03 PM Author: wangy Good article on General Butt Naked- http://www.slate.com/id/2086490/ With the Mugabe and PETA digs and the Alan Freed comment, I'm guessing this was McInnes. Dude, please start writing for VDARE full time. |
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