Viceland - CRACK MUSULMANO - Il Nuovo Mercato Delle Droghe Londinesi

Il consumo di cocaina in inghilterra è arrivato alle stelle da quando gli Oasis hanno fatto si che ogni hooligan si facesse di bamba. E quindi la qualità scende. Gli spacciatori oggi vendono pezzi alle ragazzine delle scuole private, ai giovani manager di negozi di cellulari in franchise, e a ladri di macchine quindicenni fino a 30 volte al giorno. I veri tossici, i loro clienti migliori, non riescono a farsi una bella botta con la stessa merda che viene venduta a questi drogati part-time. Ed ecco perchè l’uso di crack è salito a una media dell’87 % negli ultimi tre anni. Esattamente, è solo colpa degli Oasis se Londra oggi è piena di crackomani dalle labbra blu.

Più gente che compra le basi vuol dire più gente che le vende. Gli spacciatori di crack erano, fino a poco tempo fa, quasi esclusivamente Yardies (giamaicani) o inglesi di Liverpool. Ma di recente, gang di musulmani fondamentalisti stanno entrando con prepotenza in questo mercato in crescita. Alcune gang usano ragazzini di soli 2 anni di età.

Sto parlando di quei simpaticoni che comprano video di atrocità di guerra tipo Faces Of Death e che empatizzano con i tizi che fecero a pezzi interi autobus pieni di perosne decenti con bombe dentro alle bottiglie del profumo di Jean-Paul Gaultier (l’hanno scelto perchè si vende in scatole di metallo, e quando scoppia, I pezzi di metallo volano in tutte le direzioni manco fosse un’arma degli X-Men).

Gli Yardies facevano parte della vecchia scuola. Aspettavano ragazzini-spacciatori alla loro casa spaventosa che puzzava sempre come se avessero infilato del brie sudato in una vecchia calza per dargli sacchettini di crack da vendere. Ma gli spacciatori dovevano avere palle di ferro perchè le case dei gangster giamaicani erano sempre sotto sorveglianza. Forse saranno stati i ragga-rave costanti o le puttane che bussavano alla porta ogni mattina alle 7.

Gli spacciatori di crack musulmani sono molto più scaltri, e grazie alla loro furbizia stanno trasformando il mondo del crimine londinese. A East London c’è un posto conosciuto come Brick Lane, o il Miglio del Curry. Una cena indiana per 12 ti costa quanto un piatto di spaghetti, e non puoi non chiederti come facciano a pagare 20 persone e pagare l’affitto ogni mese. La risposta? Stanno portandosi via tutti i soldati dalle case degli Yardies dandogli borse edibili piene di droghe come quella che vedete qui e occasionalmente facendogli anche un pompino! Nessuno è mai stato arrestato comprando una samosa da un ristorante indiano su Brick Lane. Nemmeno quando la samosa è piena di sacchettini di crack e eroina. La polizia ha troppa paura di fomentare degli scontri culturali dopo le bombe del 7 Luglio, quindi il mercato del crack è intoccabile!

Una samosa o un bhaji pieno di coca e ero costa £250, e ci possono fare fino a £200 di profitto. Li potete biasimare?

Il ragazzino quindicenne che ci ha venduto questa samosa ci ha detto, “Il Corano proibisce molte cose. Da occidentale, riesci a vedere solo quelle cose proibite- come le regole sui vestiti delle donne e la dieta. Non riuscite a capire il codice vero, perchè il Corano non è rappresentato con accuratezza nei media. Il Corano in realtà è una guida. Onesto. Non si può mentire, ma si può se si mente per combattere un infedele. Quello che ho appena fatto è uguale. Non ci si può drogare, ma posso vendere droghe a un’infedele. L’infedele si indebolisce, e noi guadagnamo. Ringrazio Allah, è talmente perfetto! Io sono felice perchè combatto la mia Jihad, e tu sei felice perchè sei strafatto!”

Yuu-Huuuuu!

ANDY CAPPER

Comments:

Subject: hahaha
Date: Sep 28 2007 05:19:29 AM
Author: Liam

a muslim family used to sell rocks and dirt off the cornflakes in a newsagents where i lived in easton, bristol

Subject: HUH?
Date: Dec 11 2006 01:13:15 PM
Author: wha?

ITS THE LIES ISSUE, ITS A LIE, GET OVER IT

Subject: GO AND READ THE QURAN
Date: Nov 28 2006 12:04:25 PM
Author: JIMMY PRAISWORTHY

NEVER ONCE DO YOU BOTHER TO CONSULT THE QURAN. HOW COME A MAGAZINE THAT SEEMS TO BE SO STRONGHEADED BASES ALOT OF THE INFORMATION ON HEAR SAY...WEAK SOOOO WEAK. THE NEXT TIME TOU WANNA SAY SOMETHING ABOUT SOAMETHING GO TO THE ROOT. BASIC INFORMATION FOR YOUR BASIC MINDED WRITER AND SOME OF UR RETARD READERS.

THE QURAN DOES NOT ALLOW PEOPLE TO DESTROY THEMSELVES OR THEIR FELLOWMAN FOR THAT MATTER.
CHECK IT FOR YOURSELF, READ THE WHOLE BOOK.

FINISHING NOTE: THIS MAGAZINE STILL ROCKS COMPARED TO ALL THE COCKHEAD £5 MAGAZINES OUT THERE(I-D WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT COOL GRAPHIC DESIGN THOUGH SHAMEITS SEE THROUGH AFTER THE FIRST PAGE!!!)

Subject: oooooo!!
Date: Mar 10 2006 11:32:38 PM
Author: zee

Not even 1% of the muslim population is doing this, big fuckin deal!

Subject: It is all fake
Date: Mar 10 2006 12:12:03 AM
Author: Ayatollah Asshollah

I is from iran n' i sez it iz a phake. Allah lez jew ave 230453 wives but sez no 2 drugs. jah.

Subject: nothing new
Date: Mar 09 2006 12:32:17 PM
Author: mex i can

so i guess the jihadist have picked up tactics from the fbi cia and american policy...encourage any group that would challenge your elitism to become addicts to destroy thier social structures and keep them poor.

lets get old man republicans hooked on crack so they can be on the street neglecting they families--oh wait they already do!--trying to steal anything that would get them they afternoon hit.

Subject: bitches
Date: Mar 04 2006 12:26:49 PM
Author: splatter fuck

muslims smell like cunt juices mixed in curry sauce, and you smell like an old black man, bitch!

Subject: victory
Date: Mar 02 2006 04:48:09 PM
Author: Renfield

This sounds like a great plan to kill all of the over-privileged youth of the world.

Viva le CLASS WARFARE!!!

Subject: rationalization
Date: Feb 27 2006 05:12:49 PM
Author: half gram

That kid selling samosas lives in heaven. Everything he does has purity and purpose written all over it. I love moral relativism because it allows me to envy that little fucker who's going to die happier than my existentially constipated ass.

Subject: your all crackheads
Date: Feb 26 2006 11:47:35 PM
Author: monkey g

your sitting here reading about drugs on a computer version of a magazine. you lame fuck.

Subject: Your future dealer
Date: Feb 26 2006 12:25:05 PM
Author: where do I sign?

You're a genius.

655321 is no more than a number.

Is it a prime number?

That is what's perplexing me.

Subject: Your Mind Set!
Date: Feb 26 2006 09:53:48 AM
Author: Your Future Dealer!

Most of you people are jokers! Only focusing on Yardies and Muslims! Why the heavy bias in favor of Yardies and Muslims? Why didn't you go into detail about the East End gangsters and Scousers?

I wonder if those of you that posted do drugs? I don't sell or do them, but I might take up selling if I could guarntee that YOU would be my customers.. hahaha I would be killing you and getting rich at the same time, beautiful!

Your sincerly,
Your Future Dealer!

Subject: crack & friends
Date: Feb 26 2006 10:10:26 AM
Author: 655321

Got a news flash for you pal...there is not such thing as "real friends" your only real friend is the contents of one of those fancy samosas. People don't want friends you fool.

Subject: Who you callin fuckface fuckface
Date: Feb 25 2006 06:26:42 PM
Author: Hey fuckface

This isn't a party.

You are all alone in front of a computer.

Go and find some real friends.

You nincompoop.

Subject: mantra
Date: Feb 25 2006 03:07:04 PM
Author: SunWukong

"AUM ANJANYE VIDAMAHE MAHABALAYE DHI MAHI TAN NO HANUMAN PRACHODAYAT AUM"
dont hate.

Subject: if your muslim kill yourself !!!!
Date: Feb 21 2006 05:08:42 PM
Author: george walker

kill yourself and your friends, you have the most twisted perception of reality EVER..you've been brainwashed since you were born, you kill over meaningless bullshit, you devotely believe in somekind of God, you are so very closed minded, and your all about da oil....hey this sounds like someone i know.

Subject: to bernard manning
Date: Feb 20 2006 05:23:48 PM
Author: Theresa Heinz

cake stimulates the part of the brain that deals with time perception so a second feels like a month. almost sounds like fun, unless you're the Prague schoolboy who walked out into the street in front of a tram. he thought he'd got a month to cross the street.

Subject: cake
Date: Feb 19 2006 06:21:40 PM
Author: bernard manning

i heard that one little lad who was on cake cried all the water out of his body. imagine how his mother felt. its a fucking disgrace

Subject: Mistranslation
Date: Feb 18 2006 12:05:55 PM
Author: PakiJack

Yo Burt, you almost got it right. The koran instructs pregnant woman to cook up crack rocks, but then to save them to give to their future rock throwing sons so it's easier to justify shooting them! The next chapter is about how allah is against his followers taking showers or being clean

Subject: Packy Shop
Date: Feb 17 2006 09:49:43 AM
Author: Burt

Almost all packies are crack addicts because the Koran instructs them to smoke it at least three times a day. There is actually a section in the Koran that tells pregnant women to smoke a few rocks every day because the children enjoy it! Can you believe that? Here is the ACTUAL extract: "Podam myarku patel dall shoam myakeh...etc." That translates as: "Crack cocaine, Allah's great creation, must be smoked daily...etc." There is also a section in the Koran that gives detailed instructions about how to cook the shit up!

Subject: this
Date: Feb 16 2006 07:04:41 AM
Author: me

"How can they afford to employ all these people and maintain the rent money?”

Because the probably bought the property in 1983, when the prices were lower.

Subject: White people kill me
Date: Feb 14 2006 09:49:57 AM
Author: yo muthafuckin mama

You cave-dwellers are funny. You degenerates sure do love talking about your drugs. And no matter what the subject of the article is...you always find a way to talk about your second favorite topic....Black Cocks.

Are all of you peckerwoods this gay?

Subject: Oasis
Date: Feb 14 2006 02:41:43 AM
Author: Chad

Yeah, I could never really get in to those cunting micks either. FUCK-FACES for sure and also homosexual in a twisted way. The brothers liked to play with each others cocks and apparently their grandma used to get them to go down on her while they jizzed one out...I guess that explains a lot. Fair play though, they did become very rich & famous whining about hash and football. Plus, they would stomp the shit out of Blur if they ever had a punch up. One time Goldie gave Noel a good bum-fucking and afterwards Noel said: "He's got a big cock but he's just a simple darkie at the end of the day."

Subject: _
Date: Feb 12 2006 08:44:17 PM
Author: Theresa Heinz

If time's a drug, then Big Ben is a giant needle injecting it into the sky- But this is Cake, the new drug from Prague

/Brasseye

Subject: johnny jihad
Date: Feb 11 2006 12:40:37 PM
Author: please

does anyone else reading these posts want this fucker johnny jihad to fucking die sooner rather than later? like instantly? i wish vice really would remove 'not on topic' posts. dude, start yourself a little blog on sharting and leave us alone! then your can go eat out your roommate's butthole and talk all about it with your other college freshman buddies...

Subject: crack
Date: Feb 11 2006 09:38:18 AM
Author: hammer legit

The only thing Oasis ever made me want to do was turn off the stereo. How do you smoke Lysol?

Subject: Isosolese my peeps!
Date: Feb 11 2006 03:32:57 AM
Author: Whitney & Bobby

Fucking ghetto Londonoids are such a laugh! I lived in Loughbrough Junction and the scabbiest ho-bitch used to live in my doorway. She used to yell at people waiting at the bus stop to lick her pussy and try to steal soup cans from the Indian green grocer. I think she went schizo from smoking drano & lysol.

Subject: liberators
Date: Feb 10 2006 06:36:58 PM
Author: jean-michel basquiat

without vice.... i would go nuts at work. thanks guys.

Subject: 2 years
Date: Feb 10 2006 02:19:02 PM
Author: Brock Pemberton

I gotta go with delicious on this one. What the fuck are you paying a 2 year old employee? Diapers and nipple? This is like that JT Leroy article which claimed he was real but was obviously some bullshit interview done with someone trying to con the public. The author of that fucking article even knew it was bullshit but vice goes and publishes anyway. Gimme a fucking break, how gullible are you readers anyway?

Subject: Whitney & Bobby
Date: Feb 10 2006 05:56:10 AM
Author: Isosolese

I think Whitney hit the nail on the head...last time I smoked crack in London it was with this old bitch who only had one lung left and would freak out accusing us of stealing rocks off of her. She would get so worked up she would hyperventilate and pass out making us think she had dropped dead. She had a mentally retarded black slave who would lurk about outside the door to her room holding a massive meat cleaver, eves dropping...THAT was a scary niggar.

Subject: I beg to differ
Date: Feb 10 2006 05:46:01 AM
Author: Isosolese

Actually, it was never just yardies and east end scum that sold crack back in the day. It was mainly rich brats who went to Oxford or Cambridge.

Yardies are mainly cunts who are impossible to understand because they just make it up most of the time.

Subject: U jacked if u think crack is wack
Date: Feb 10 2006 05:03:55 AM
Author: Whitney & Bobby

I think crack cocaine would rise 87% in London because the place is a shithole. Buying coke that came in up the ass of a Jamaican mule out of some greasy muslim pakora? I've snorted better crushed lightbulbs than British coke, if those addicts went to Bolivia and tried the real shit their eyes would pop out of their skulls.

Subject: what the motherfuck
Date: Feb 09 2006 10:54:57 PM
Author: derka derka

islam is fucking hilarious. selling crack is a form of jihad. I wish the black fucks were aware of that . god damn.

Subject: suicide bombing / selling drugs
Date: Feb 09 2006 05:36:55 PM
Author: honest john

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-2029688,00.html

there you go

Subject: i agree
Date: Feb 09 2006 12:44:05 PM
Author: 1.40

i agree with the guy below me,

"...instead of writing something with content that contributes to something, you'd rather be the blackhole of inspiration. you nail morons but with no discernable reason and intelligence."

i agree and i love it.

Subject: vice
Date: Feb 09 2006 12:31:54 PM
Author: never

ill say something vice, you really know how to expose the idiots, fakers and poseurs that make up you readership (read last two posts). but is that really a good enough basis for a magazine to exist, and what does that tell you? that instead of writing something with content that contributes to something, you'd rather be the blackhole of inspiration. you nail morons but with no discernable reason and intelligence.
ill admit you used to do it well, and it seemed like you had something to say. now i think you must just believe all the hype or have taken to much coke

Subject: crack blob
Date: Feb 09 2006 10:49:52 AM
Author: peter murphy

last time i tried this, i fried all my crack. you ever hit fried crack mixed with melted plastic? damn if it don't hit your lungs like a muthafukin' Mack truck!

Subject: doherty
Date: Feb 09 2006 09:04:56 AM
Author: pete

pete doherty is always hanging out at the samosa stalls on brick lane.

AND

twas little bengali dealer was fingered for 'setting up' kate moss...

its all starting to make sense now.

Subject: !
Date: Feb 09 2006 09:10:25 AM
Author: dub:H20

Crack is Wack.

Subject: Cracky goodness
Date: Feb 08 2006 09:55:45 PM
Author: Nurple

Looks Tasty

Subject: muslims
Date: Feb 08 2006 09:23:24 PM
Author: muhammed

oooh!you crazy cats! your going to cause so much CONTROVERSY!
please tell me this isn't really what your trying to do. either way i cant wait until you start getting death threats from people who have no time to reason with your moronic rationale. muslims in london really take no jokes

Subject: yum
Date: Feb 08 2006 09:07:47 PM
Author: thong

hmm we need one of these in aus...i need to make sum monye....
Hmmm can i have three samosa thanks.

Subject: delicious
Date: Feb 08 2006 08:53:21 PM
Author: nigger pie

This wouldn't be a half bad idea; not to mention it has some validity from both points of view as expressed in the last paragraph.

But seriously, 2 years old? 4 years old would have been a better artistic choice.

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