Chris Nieratko's Tidbits

I Tidbit di Chris Nieratko

ETICHETTA MAMMY Non so neanche da che prodotto provenga questa etichetta. L’ho comprato solo perché mi ricordava il senso dell’umorismo del mio amico Clyde, il ragazzo più divertente che conosca. Può dirti robe del tipo “Vuoi vedere una foto dove sono venuto bene?” e poi ti indica l’immagine di una scimmia. Il ragazzo del mercatino dove l’ho comprata vendeva pure fasce dei campi di concentramento ma costavano 100 dollari al pezzo. Ho detto “non valgono tutti quei soldi”. Penso mi abbia frainteso perché si è messo a urlare come un pazzo, dicendomi che ero uno stronzo se non capivo quanto abbiano sofferto gli ebrei e che ero insensibile al dolore del suo popolo. E io, “Che cazzo dici? Intendevo che ne trovi a meno su eBay, coglione.”

DISEGNO FAZZOLETTO
Questo disegno rappresenta mia moglie ed io in un bar mentre bevevamo Guinness. Dovevi esserci per capirlo.

MOVING VIOLATIONS
Ho aspettato 20 anni per l’uscita di questo capolavoro in DVD. È la commedia più divertente degli anni 80, con il fratellino di Bill Murray, John Murray. Chi è? Chi se ne frega? È un grande. Poi c’è una vecchietta cieca che si siede in un pisciatoio e dice, “Perché ho la schiena bagnata?” È forse il miglior film di sempre.

MONETE A.A.
Al mio primo incontro degli alcolisti anonimi mi hanno dato queste
monetine. Fui costretto ad andarci perché mi feci beccare per guida in stato di ubriachezza. Su un lato dicono, “Che Dio mi dia la serenità di accettare le cose che non posso cambiare, il coraggio di cambiare quello che posso, e la saggezza per distinguerle.” Sull’altro lato, dice, “Torna sempre”. Mi fanno ridere. Non ci sono mai tornato. Ho provato a infilarli in una macchinetta per le bibite, ma non ci stanno.

AFFARE NASCONDI-BIRRA ANTIHERO
Non so nemmeno come si chiami questo affare, ma tanto sapete già cos’è. Si mette intorno alla birra per farla sembrare una coca-cola. Che figo è? Soprattutto quando hai 12 anni?

ADESIVO SHUT
Quando ero piccolo le tavole Shut erano le migliori del mondo. Gli sfigati avevano tutti le Boner Brigades, mentre i veri duri skateavano tutti sulle Shut. Adesso sono tornati e la metteranno in culo a tutti.

DOCUMENTO CANADESE
Il Canada non mi fece entrare senza comprare questo visto dal costo di $150 perché la mia fedina penale era troppo lunga. In più non mi fecero tornare per 5 anni. Cos’ha il Canada contro di me?

DIPLOMA MEDIE
Per me questo diploma è molto importante perché è il livello scolastico più alto che abbia mai raggiunto. Notare come il mio nome sia “Xavier”. Lo scelsi perché ero sotto con gli X-Men. E perché mia mamma non mi lasciò scegliere Adolf.

CHIERICHETTO NERO
Quando ero alle medie, hanno dato a tutti gli studenti una statuetta sulla quale dovevamo scrivere il nostro nome per poi appenderlo nel corridoio. Io colorai la mia di nero e mi rifiutai di appenderla. Mi sospesero per una setttimana. Suppongo fosse una scuola razzista.

Comments:

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Subject: lies! again!
Date: Sep 16 2007 09:42:42 AM
Author: amber

you did indeed graduate from high school - we all have witnesses.

Subject: beer wrappa´
Date: Feb 13 2006 03:33:23 AM
Author: Caesar von Bluntenbachen II

yes sir! I´ve got one of those beer hider things. Though I haven´t known what it is until now..

Subject: trafic school
Date: Jan 31 2006 02:19:55 PM
Author: movie

bill murray's lil bro. ill check it out.

Subject: Canada
Date: Jan 14 2006 01:14:54 AM
Author: Donald Rumsfeltcher

At least Canada let you in. I have one minor drug charge and the USofA won't let me in.

Subject: Tidbits
Date: Jan 05 2006 10:20:16 AM
Author: Shock-n-Awe

Holy shit, Chris Nieratko actually wrote something for VICE that wasn't a pretenious, boring piece of shit?!? Happy New Year, indeed...

Subject: loser patrol smells like balls
Date: Dec 31 2005 08:00:47 PM
Author: Cool Tommy

The beer hider things are re-useable- Now whos 'fagola'......................dog cunt

Subject: porn
Date: Dec 24 2005 03:47:16 PM
Author: el ronoso

what the fuck is this lack of skinema? fuckery.

Subject: i hate humor
Date: Dec 22 2005 04:41:05 PM
Author: jebus athankya

come the fuck on babies. i read shit to complain about things too, i even watched the entire season of prison break except the last episode just to complain about how it is the most over hyped garbage soap on broadcast television... but c'mon, chris is one of those guys out there that invented what we now call, a sense of humor. i dunno, but i think black santa xmas decorations are funny and i thank you for that chris.

Subject: i have seen anew
Date: Dec 22 2005 02:31:35 AM
Author: luvver

nierkato's married?

how the fuck did that happen!

Subject: fuck you
Date: Dec 22 2005 01:50:25 AM
Author: aj

fuck you hipster losers. Chris has contributed to the culture of skateboarding longer than you fuckers even know. many of us grew up on shit devised by this asshole and his friends. beer can stickers are nastalgia not a fucking 3$ price increase to a beer(their free stickers at shops you fucking twits)

i know his sarcastic and dry style seems played out like he's trying to fit into vice but this guy is one of the originators of early 90's counter culture publication. yeah its potty humor, yes its juvenile, BUT its a loose sense of humor like that which has developed the current culture to where you can laugh at the word "n!gger" in the privacy of your white friends, and feel fucking rebellious.

keep biting punk and skating counter culture while grooving to the Arcade Fire you tools.

Subject: crush
Date: Dec 21 2005 05:54:01 AM
Author: L Ron

sounds like dee snutts has a crush on tony hawk.

Subject: You Suck
Date: Dec 20 2005 06:00:04 PM
Author: Mr Munch

you guys are the biggest group of haters and shit-talkers i have ever seen.

Subject: chris queeratko
Date: Dec 20 2005 03:56:20 PM
Author: dee snutts

no one could ever figure out what you were doing writing for Big Brother when you dont skate. Same when you opened your skateshop. yeah, SHUT was the bomb, but why would you talk shit about Powell SINCE YOUR NOT A SKATER, you kook.

Subject: good stuff
Date: Dec 20 2005 12:49:58 PM
Author: nicholas

I like this Chris Nieratko. He is a funny guy who I can relate to.

Subject: duh
Date: Dec 20 2005 04:43:38 AM
Author: Woah Nelly

Then there are these totally worthless migrant worker sophisticates who tell you "oh yeah, i saw this rad movie, where these guys like duel, with these swords made of light, uh, lightsabers, yeah! that shit was rad"... yeah, dude, it's called Star Wars, the rest of the world checked in on that sometime in the 1970s...

How in the world did an alcoholic scumbag ever get through life not knowing what the serenity prayer is? I think Canada probably short-changed itself.

Subject: keep it reawl
Date: Dec 19 2005 05:27:41 PM
Author: loser patrol

There's a brand of fifty cent soda in Brooklyn called "cool tommys" and if you take the wrapper it fits perfectly around a 16 ounce beer. Yeah, it's not as cool as a five dollar skate brand sticker you would use to drink a one dollar beer outside but if that's the sort of math that makes sense to you there's a good chance you prefer the taste of smirnoff ice to king cobra anyway... fagola.

Subject: use of expletives and smartness and not
Date: Dec 19 2005 03:28:51 PM
Author: so cool

dude, chris, you're so cool man. i love the way you write. so sophisticated. your self-deprecating humor is original and your whole shtick is so fresh. wow, i can't believe you had trouble getting into canada. must have been tough. can't you go and crawl under a rock and die. or at least go smoke some of that rock with all your fiending homo-friends? please?

Subject: my backpack
Date: Dec 18 2005 09:54:53 PM
Author: chippy caps

ive got a ton of them in there- try buying a skateboard... oh you dont skate? you cant have one.

Subject: wertrwertw
Date: Dec 18 2005 02:33:25 PM
Author: rewrtwertw

man , where do u find those beer wrap things?

Subject: Stick it to the man.
Date: Dec 18 2005 10:24:14 AM
Author: two ton testicle

Fuck that, Chris, you don't need no new dependencies. Keep drinking and driving and maybe one day, after you splatter someone's innocent kid all over your windshield, you can be the cool dude in prison talking to your cellies about how they tried to change you but you can't be told what to do.

You know, in between mouthfulls of black dick, that is.

Subject: dangus
Date: Dec 17 2005 07:25:03 PM
Author: fah q

the napkin drawing is awesome and I didn't have to be there...

session kegs

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