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 Provate a leccare questa foto senza vomitare. Difficile, eh? è una lampreda con un dente in bocca.  Fino ad oggi abbiamo trattato il barattolo della morte come l’amico simpatico che passa dall’ufficio. Ogni mese passavamo 20 minuti a pensare a cosa aggiungere al barattolo. Dopodichè passiamo il resto del mese a congratularci a vicenda sul lavoro ben fatto. Ma l’ultima volta ci siamo guardati bene negli occhi e abbiamo deciso di introdurre un pò di scienza alla giara più schifosa del mondo. Ed eccoci qui. Sappiamo tutti cosa c’è nel barattolo, ma non abbiamo proprio idea di come gli elementi costituenti si siano uniti e modificati a vicenda in questi mesi. Per risolvere la questione, abbiamo deciso di recarci al nostro negozio di attrezzature scientifiche preferito, per costruire un progetto che si basi sul processo di eleminazione. Utilizzando le tre cose più vomitevoli del mondo intero- un verme solitario di mezzo metro, un barattolo di pezzi di fegato di una pecora, e una lampreda delle dimensioni di un avanbraccio- e inserendole nel barattolo per vedere quali delle tre si dissolva più tardi, dovremmo raggiungere un risultato più o meno scientifico sulla natura dei contenuti della melma marrone che riempie il barattolo: se è più simile a un fegato, un’intestino, o dell’acqua stagna (fidatevi, è un metodo scientifico). Due giorni prima dell’inizio della nostra gara di decomposizione, la nostra amministratrice d’uffico si è fatta asportare un dente del giudizio prima che le distruggesse l’interno della bocca, il che ci ha permesso di aggiungere una bocca femminile alle nostre possibilità. Anche se di recente fa abbatsanza freddo da mantenere l’olezzo sul nostro tetto sotto controllo, i due stagisti che si sono fatti avanti per depositare i nuovi ingredienti non solo hanno scelto il giorno più caldo del mese, ma hanno passato tutto il giorno a non fare un cazzo mentre la giara si cuoceva lentamente sotto i raggi del sole. Alla fine quando si sono dati da fare l’olezzo stava già riempendo le finestre di un vapore marroncino. I pezzi di fegato e il verme sono stati depostitati senza problemi, ma la lampreda si è dimostrata troppo grossa per entrare nella giara, e un paio di forbici sono apparse dalle mani del nostro terzo stagista per ridurre le dimensioni di quella schifosa murena di acgua stagna. Una settimana dopo e il fegato è sparito; pezzi viscidi e bianchi di verme (o lampreda) hanno creato un piccolo cerchio intorno al bordo della melma; la lampreda è divisa in 5 pezzi, ma il dente pare non sia mai stato meglio. Considerando da dove viene, è probabilmente vero. Il mese prossimo porteremo il barattolo della morte a livelli mai visti prima con l’aggiunta di organismi viventi. VICE STAFF |
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Comments:
Subject: Gross Jar Date: Jan 04 2006 01:55:28 PM Author: Antoine, Montreal I'm all for throwing in some maggots in there. You've all smelled what they can do behind a chinese super market (especially you Torontonians), it'll add a little mango flavour to the stew. A really gross one also would be to pop some pimple puss in there... Oh, and to finish, a spoon full of poutine. Subject: Puppy dog? Date: Jan 03 2006 12:00:08 AM Author: John Perhaps the gross jar could be watered down to make it large enough for a cute little puppy. It is time to expand the scale of this project. Subject: gross jar Date: Dec 26 2005 03:18:06 PM Author: xstx ....try a jellyfish Subject: stuff Date: Dec 21 2005 02:12:50 PM Author: Mr Put something alive in there that has a chance of surviving. No one is going to put a pet in there. Well, maybe something like a mouse, or chick. If you can feed them alive to pet snakes, then maybe throwing in the gross jar is something you'd get away with. But dudes, that would be pushing it! My vote is going on a cockroach and a shitload of maggots. Subject: turds Date: Dec 16 2005 03:02:57 PM Author: thesaint I forget, is there some shit in the gross jar? Subject: chez Date: Dec 14 2005 10:52:29 AM Author: pro boner do you really like PETA? Everyone knows that they kill just as many animals as ted nugent. Don't you ever watch that show bullshit? it's pretty good. throw whatever you fucking want in the gross jar, and if it is alive who cares. I read in the last issue of vice that death is like a wonderful acid trip, and when you come down you don't have to deal with reality. Kill some puppies for the gross jar. Subject: obvious Date: Dec 14 2005 12:04:13 AM Author: chum chum boogers are often overlooked .......probably because most people spent youthful years eating,losing taste for, and blocking the thought of this delicious mucous the psyche. all im sayin is.....dont forget the boogers Subject: Even peta hates cockroaches Date: Dec 12 2005 04:32:48 PM Author: Duke Add a cockroach and a twinkie and find out if the gross jar's deadlier than the apocalypse or, in fact IS the apocalypse Subject: ; ) Date: Dec 12 2005 10:41:41 AM Author: chez You should put some water in the gross jar! That would be really gross! Subject: droppin life Date: Dec 12 2005 10:19:31 AM Author: its me spider eggs, tadpoles, a shitload of brine shrimp, crickets, earthworms, mexican jumping beans, ants, hornets, maggots, fleas, mag flies, baby scorpions, silk worms, cockroach eggs...or just some roaches, centapede(s). I say maggots Just thoughts though... Subject: not THAT gross. Date: Dec 11 2005 07:42:21 PM Author: Eric Okay, so it's a jar of gaggaties. I can deal. Still, if you really want to see 'gross', check out Fiddy's face in this picture right here. <- Subject: ... Date: Dec 07 2005 01:50:26 AM Author: Shina wow. for some reason, this time around, the gross jar is really grossing me out. I mean it's really.. really... grossing.... me..,,.!@#3UUUUHHHHGGGGG rrrraaaaaaallllllppppphhhhhh. Subject: GROSS JAR VS. NUTRIA RAT! Date: Dec 07 2005 01:22:09 AM Author: new-tree-uh you probably have these things out east--fuck, i'm sure they're everywhere: nutria rat! my friend ran over one with his bike once and he swore that it "slimed" him as he ran over it, which barely fazed the fucker. obvious conclusion: slime coating protection saved the rat's ass. situation diagnosis: put one of those rat bastards in that gross jar from the most squalid water hole you can find. i think the gross jar would have some tough competition. and whoever suggested kittens is just either sick or metally dysfunctional. i mean, that's like watching godzilla vs. bambi...what the fuck is the fun in that? p.s.: and just think: if the nutria rat loses, all of its squalor and slime becomes part of the gross jar. although, if the nutria rat wins you have a mobile gross jar on your hands and your all as good as dead.... http://www.invasivespeciesinfo.gov/profiles/images/nutri a.jpg Subject: shed an emo tear. Date: Dec 06 2005 11:47:38 AM Author: seriously. if you're all so good at writing and knowing what's so god damn funny, start your own god damn magazine. bunch of crybaby princess bitches, i swear. Subject: eat Date: Dec 05 2005 12:28:47 AM Author: big myke you need to have a challenge where people put money up and the pot gets huge enough where someone would take a teaspoon of it and ingest it. Subject: EW Date: Dec 04 2005 01:29:28 PM Author: a person What the hell is in there anyways? like what shit did you literaly start off with? and what have you added? just found this site like now so i have no idea... Subject: grossjar Date: Dec 02 2005 06:02:40 PM Author: jesse did someone masturbate into it yet? maybe a girl could put her menstrual shit in there and guy could dump his swimmers in there and the filth would form some sort of swamp like womb for something to grow in. Subject: gross jars Date: Dec 02 2005 11:02:55 AM Author: gammon one Transfer it into bags and prance about with it out on the piss. Or just toy with it and call it an endearing name until it becomes a cultural figurehead or pet. Much like carky, my old chicken carcass friend, rest his soul now lying smashed on peasedown st. john bypass. But; fuck it what do I know, ive only been making containers full of steaming sludges for 10 odd years. Tsk. Subject: fucking hipsters Date: Dec 02 2005 03:32:40 AM Author: seb DONT PUT ANYTHING LIVING AND CONCIOUS IN THERE! just dont do it. "yea you definately need to put like a little kitten in there!" haha, yea that's funny... but really though, if you're serious you should fucking jump into the jar yourself. Subject: gross jar sux now Date: Dec 01 2005 03:18:31 PM Author: Big Ray Guys, wtf happened to gross jar? Bring back the old writers, this liver fluke shit is just not on. I want all of you republican AIDS-faces to tell me how it is funny to jam a lamprey in the gross jar. Just kidding. By the way, chez, what is PETA going to do with the gross jar when they bring their pet-friendly hammer down? Confiscate it and keep it in their offices for evidence? Can you imagine this thing in the courtroom as exhibit "G" (for "Gross"). Subject: meet Date: Dec 01 2005 06:28:57 AM Author: balzac stinkymeat.net - you've read it VICE STAFF.. obvi Subject: fyi Date: Nov 30 2005 11:54:16 PM Author: orhpyhtue my life was profoundly changed by everyone's threats and sentiments against the harm of living things expressed on this page, but a few minutes later i realized that the world is freaking chockfull of living things and could spare a few for the sake of entertainment. also, by threatening to cancel your subscription to vice, you are threatening the livelihood (or so you'd like to think) of vice's staff, who (as far as i can tell) are living things in their own right. so if you care about living things... just cram it? Subject: jamma mama Date: Nov 29 2005 07:09:58 PM Author: mama jamma some living fish would love to swim around init.......you could clock there survival time you could get some fighting fish to duke it out in the jar.....they might still brawl if there tuff fish Subject: muahahaaa Date: Nov 28 2005 08:20:04 PM Author: el dregardo a chinchilla??? Subject: Oh my god you people.... Date: Nov 28 2005 05:34:44 PM Author: Kaxtie Living organisms could be anything. It could be a fucking PLANT. It's not like they're going to make a puppy live in that shit. Subject: peta fag Date: Nov 28 2005 04:07:37 PM Author: chez waaaah dont you guys dare put anything in there, whaaah im serious wahh Subject: dumb twats Date: Nov 28 2005 04:06:12 PM Author: lahns toss leslie arfin in there Subject: I know who you guys are Date: Nov 28 2005 02:23:31 PM Author: chez Call me every name in the book, I could give two shits. I'm as serious as John's case of HIV about calling the cops if any living thing goes near that shit cesspool. You won't be laughing too fucking loud if the cops haul your skinny, filthy, dick-lovin' asses away for animal cruelty. I'm even considering notifying PETA. Now wouldn't that be a bitch to have THEM on your asses? Subject: Roaches never die Date: Nov 28 2005 12:57:17 PM Author: Mateus put la cucaracha in that jar. right now. itīs a must do. Subject: Date: Nov 28 2005 10:50:45 AM Author: issue23 BOLLOCKS!!! Get something living in there: a kitten maybe. Subject: science Date: Nov 28 2005 02:29:35 AM Author: eryk pls. don't deprive us of a potential cure for cancer...get that jar to a lab pronto! a cockroach would be my vote for a living organism,....hummmmm... is fresh semen, kept at correct tempt. living...? I think yes. Subject: PLEASE DON'T!! Date: Nov 28 2005 02:02:17 AM Author: *station* If you guys put something alive in that jar you are going to be fucking lame. The kind of George Bush lame you fear. On top of that I will cancel my subscription and never read your shit again. No fucking joke. blending sick shit together is fine but hurting living things for highschool humor is fucking stupid. Subject: you Date: Nov 27 2005 04:21:39 PM Author: me something alive DEFINITELY has to go in there. Subject: Lookin Fimular... Date: Nov 26 2005 10:28:59 PM Author: Brian That looks just like my Zigote collection bucket! That reminds me, it's time to skim the top again! Happy ThanksGiving........Loosers! Subject: i got an idea Date: Nov 26 2005 04:33:27 PM Author: lahns how about you dunk leslie arfin in the jar, her nose might not fit but its worth a try Subject: chez in the jar Date: Nov 26 2005 01:50:53 AM Author: chezdick Can we put chez in the jar? Subject: chez is fucking gay Date: Nov 25 2005 04:16:04 PM Author: john chez is fucking gay, who cares if they put a goldfish or some shit into "the stew" . chez you are a fucking loser Subject: germs Date: Nov 25 2005 03:40:03 PM Author: rai I would be interested to see what kind of bacteria or even would flourish in the gross jar. Sending a sample to the microbiology lab is a REALLY good idea! Subject: don't do it Date: Nov 25 2005 02:06:54 PM Author: chez Don't even think for one second of putting something living in that filth bath, like a small animal or fish. I'll have the cops so far up your ass for animal cruelty, a doughnut will come out of your dick. Fucking watch me if you think I'm joking, I know where you guys operate. Subject: Gross Jar/Fear Factor Challenge Date: Nov 25 2005 01:59:24 PM Author: Guy Blank, Los Angeles, CA I can't wait until the next season of Fear Factor, when the complete contents of the Gross Jar are intravenously injected into host Joe Rogan's bloodstream. Must See TV!! Subject: sick Date: Nov 25 2005 11:42:46 AM Author: steve PMX thats fucking sick. someone should boil off the liquid and smoke whatever's left... Subject: Date: Nov 25 2005 07:32:17 AM Author: j zeller I want to drink it Subject: e Date: Nov 24 2005 03:58:02 PM Author: j there's probably a bunch of living organisms partying in that jar already! you should take a sample and send it to a microbiology lab to see what you've got... |
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