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BACK ISSUES

DAVID CRASS
Ever since David Cross moved to Tompkins Square Park he has been walking around with tons of disgusting dogs on ropes and a big filthy knapsack filled with squatter crap and his skin is all brown and he has facial tattoos and pretends not to be a junkie that got fucked by his dad just like all the other crusties there. But something extraordinary has happened. Instead of them rejecting this rich Jew pretending to be a homeless punk, they have taken him under their piss-stained wing and begun touting him as a local hero.

DINK-C
One of the biggest problems in the gay community (besides the Silent but Deadly “killer of millions”) is their lack of vitamin C. In short, they refuse to take it into their bodies. In Latin America, however, authorities in the health departments have devised a way of tricking los homos with a penis-shaped powder. It can be mixed into a gay’s cosmo or you can lay him on his back, stick his legs in the air, and slowly insert the package into his lubricated bottom.

BITE ME BISCUITS
Once reserved for 17th-century British prostitutes, “Bite me biscuits” has become a lot more than the “Kiss my grits” of Merry Olde England. Now it’s a cylindrical package that farts when you put it in the bathroom (just kidding, it cries).

SHOVE-THE-DOVE T.P.
When Skrewdriver put out the hit single “Shove the Dove,” with the chorus “You can talk about a thing called love, / While the bombs rain down from above, / You can talk about a thing called love, / And you can shove that fucking dove up your arse,” a lot of hippies felt the need to fight back. Of course, hippies are wimps, so the best they could do was some “empowering toilet paper” that let them pretend it was their idea in the first place.

NOD NOD COSMETICS
Unlike crackheads, junkies have amazing skin. Some say it’s because they don’t obsessively pick their scabs like crackheads do. Others think it’s the way heroin pickles your body and prevents you from aging (until you quit and all those years come crashing back in ten days of superaging). Few know that heroin skin is really all about an affordable brand of cotton balls that all junkies use as they drift away to drowsersville.

ANGRY SQUARE
Why is this industrial cleaning sponge called German War Cube? Are they trying to absolve themselves from blame and call WWII Germany’s war? OK, then why is it a powerful white square guy? Oh yeah, I remember now. Everyone in Asia is nuts.

FRUT
Why did somebody send us this? Are we supposed to make a gay joke about fruits? It’s a fucking fruit drink, you loser. Way to waste your postage and handling.

MAN COLOGNE
Sorry Japan, but men reek. Didn’t we already talk about how when you go into the bathroom after your dad it smells like toothpaste and shit, and when his friend passes out on your couch it has that weird dick-and-cigarettes smell for weeks? Honestly, how can moms fuck dads?

SQUIDS LICE
The Chinese say that they eat so much gross shit because we ruined their empire by getting them all addicted to opium. OK, that wasn’t exactly gentlemanly of us, but that was like 10,000 years ago. Why are you eating lice off an animal’s head that doesn’t even have hair in the year 2006?

SHIT BURGER
We got this delicious treat in Venezuela. Here’s a question: How in the fuck did NOBODY at the company, not the workers in the factory, not the guy who designed the box, no customer—ever—how did nobody tell them that shit means poo-poo? I mean, Barfy Burgers were pretty bad, but this company ought to change their name to None of Us Has Ever Met Anyone That Speaks English—Ever.

SUPERPLUG
Why didn’t anyone invent this before? The Superplug was made by some MIT nerds last October and all it does is convert the power of your cigarette lighter into whatever appliance you want. That means you can go on a road trip and set up your computer, your speakers, a microwave oven, and a TV and satellite dish, or just recharge your phone. “Now that a lot more people are living out of their cars,” quips Gary Safin, one of the Superplug’s creators, “Our orders are going through the roof.”

Comments:

Subject: superplug ...a lie?
Date: Apr 03 2006 12:56:29 AM
Author: Nicholas

Is the superplug a lie? I really wanted that to be real. I guess that my greatest dreams will have to remain just that.

Subject: maxim sucks
Date: Feb 25 2006 11:49:20 AM
Author: jim

Maxim sucks dude. its 5 bucks and written by the same people who write stuff, FHM, and the rest of the shit you read. You sir, are a doofus. Not only do you read stupid shit but you also embarrassed yourself by explaining an intire page of a magizine.

I hate you

Subject: maxim's better guy
Date: Feb 24 2006 03:19:52 PM
Author: archaic

maxim costs 5 bucks dude

Subject: you are an idiot
Date: Feb 24 2006 06:47:13 AM
Author: dear Maxin's better

either you are brilliant because you are running with the theme of the Verdad issue

or

you know nothing

Subject: fdd
Date: Feb 23 2006 10:46:14 PM
Author: dffd

i think that squid stuff is called "squid slice" not "squids lice"

Subject: Superplug
Date: Feb 21 2006 03:53:04 PM
Author: Powergirl

OK so maybe I'm sooo last October, but where the hell do I find this Superplug?

Subject: Maxim's better
Date: Feb 20 2006 05:26:12 PM
Author: Maxim's better

Any of you guy's ever read the monthly "found porn" section of Maxim magazine?

It's the funniest shit EVER. I almost puked reading it the other day, not joking. I actually had to stop reading and look away.

It's all stuff that is unintentionally pornographic. For example they have this tool used for stopping pumbing leaks called a "Deep throat pipe clamp." and there is some icecream shop owned by a little old lady called "Grandma BJ's" They had a picture from a bible story for kids were it looked like a desiple was giving Jesus head and the caption read "Here Jesus demonstrates his forgiveness."

They had some toy for kids that was supposed to be a cartoon jelly fish but looked just like a dick and balls.

Wow, one single page from one single issue of Maxime was funnier than every single issue of Vice, COMBINED (practically anyway).

This magazine is a waste of paper. Seriously, it is literally a waste of paper. You are destroy trees to make this vice.

I have read a few issues by happen stance. Not once have I ever read anything within these pages that I didn't already know.

Subject: dos+donts
Date: Feb 18 2006 09:20:58 PM
Author: -_-

those photos... look sorta doctored. fuck, not sorta, really. u guys shud start to check the shit that comes in. im not gonna complain about the writing, its fine for me, just that the doctored photos themselves sorta ruin the whole shodenfreuda experiece.
fuck.. i cant spell in german..

Subject: bitching and moaning
Date: Feb 18 2006 03:28:31 AM
Author: WISE ATL

Glad to see y'all out there in comment-posting land are keeping up the obligatory "Why does this issue suck so bad?" "What happened to Vice, it used to be my favorite?" and "This section is usually funny, did someone else start writing it?" comments. By all means, keep 'em coming. They are in no way boring or stupid...

Subject: disappointing...
Date: Feb 15 2006 03:31:15 PM
Author: juliet

Am I really missing something here or is this just a very shitty Vice issue, what with these boring, badly written about tidbits and those cringe inducing Do's & Don'ts? Is it intentional? We've already had an irony issue like that many moons back. Why another one? I'm clinging here - if it's for real I won't have a fave magazine anymore...

Subject: ps blaze
Date: Feb 14 2006 10:50:20 PM
Author: sheeeeeeeeeet!

whaaat??? i thought venezuela WAS a fake country...

Subject: shit burger
Date: Feb 14 2006 05:46:02 PM
Author: modo

malditos mentirosos, no hay en venezuela ninguna carne para hamburguesa llamada SHIT, that's a fake tidbit, invent some country next time.

Subject: df
Date: Feb 13 2006 11:29:37 PM
Author: df

are these fake tidbits?

Subject: ...
Date: Feb 13 2006 10:26:12 AM
Author: sugarape

aoow! just bit my tidt..aaw. i could sure use a superplug to supply my feasting a**.

Subject: tidbits
Date: Feb 09 2006 09:48:44 PM
Author: clem

why are these so much funnier than this month's dos and donts? whoever's writing these needs to also start writing that section which is really really bad these days and not funny at all.

Subject: i live out of my boyfriend's van...
Date: Feb 09 2006 04:00:33 PM
Author: bukkakebot

and i own one of those converters....

calling them "superplugs" sounds like a gay porno.... or some painful sex toy. ah ah hahh.

Subject: Cou cou
Date: Feb 09 2006 07:55:50 AM
Author: Jihad

I think Shit Burgers are the national dish of Syria

Subject: Squid slice
Date: Feb 09 2006 06:50:10 AM
Author: D

Squid slices is the shit in Russia. Russians eat it when they drink, and those people drink all the time.

Subject: cross shirts
Date: Feb 09 2006 02:58:53 AM
Author: somnia

I saw one on Ebay once

Subject: langun frut
Date: Feb 08 2006 09:29:27 PM
Author: horrible chen

Is David selling those shirts, cause I'd buy one.

Shit, I'd buy Dink-C.

Subject: Superplug
Date: Feb 08 2006 08:43:43 PM
Author: Jesus "the savior" Christ

This type of converter has been out long before last October.