Lil’ Wayne

9

Tha Carter II Cash Money I’m looking at my 1999 Hot Boys album cover. Lil’ Wayne was about 14 years old. He was an adorable boy with a baby face and a mini afro. On record, he sounded like a harmless little frog. Now he croaks like a seasoned toad, looks like Bob Marley’s son and also happens to be the best emcee in hip hop. How did that happen? People don’t believe me when I tell them the only guy who could probably fuck with him is Jay. Then I play them Tha Carter I and the Gangsta Grillz mixtape. They’re systematically convinced. Though not quite as densely filled with lyrical acrobatics as the previous album, Tha Carter II is way more consistent and listenable. Man, who knew Lil’ Wayne was the next Pharaoh Monch? Plus the only guest on this record is Kurupt. How gangsta is that? BUSTA NUT

BEST ALBUM OF THE MONTH PINK MOUNTAINTOPS

BEST COVER		WORST COVER		WORST ALBUM
THE CONCRETES		GEORGE CLINTON		A TRIBUTE TO IRON  MAIDEN

Juelz Santana

7.5

What The Game’s Been Missing Diplomats/Def Jam See what all this hype can do to a nigga? Don’t get me wrong, Juelz is our dog, but somehow his album doesn’t live up to the level of anticipation built up by the holy trinity of mixtapes: Back Like Cooked Crack Vol. 1, Back Like Cooked Crack Vol. 2: More Crack, and Back Like Cooked Crack Vol. 3: Fiend Out. My personal favourite is Back Like Cooked Crack Vol. 2: More Crack, but I still strongly recommend Back Like Cooked Crack Vol. 1 and Back Like Cooked Crack Vol. 3: Fiend Out. I just feel Back Like Cooked Crack Vol. 2: More Crack has more of that crack. Ya dig? MACHO

J Dilla	7.5
Donuts Stones Throw Jay Dee is truly one of the best that ever did it. I say that to say this: we send you our love, prayers and most heartfelt support. Get well soon, playboy. SMUTTY RUFF

Ghislain Poirier	7
Breakupdown Chocolate Industries That’s my man right there; I like that dude. Don’t get fooled by the fact that his name sounds like a 19th-century boar hunter from Normandy. This Montreal luminary’s got the blogs going nuts over his quest to push hip-hop forward… if you’re into that sort of thing. BLAQUE PAK

The Notorious B.I.G.

9

Duets: The Final Chapter Bad Boy Who is this guy? Dunno, but he sure can rap. Duets is an unbelievable 22 track compilation of collabs with a group of artists that basically reads like a Yellow Pages of rap. Eminem, Snoop, Nelly, 2Pac, Nas, Mobb Deep, Missy and even Bob Marley (who B.I.G. met on a recent trip to Jamaica) show the man can not only rap with the best of them, but knows a little thing or two about something called “networking”. The final chapter? Let’s hope not. Ol’ Curly

Aceyalone & RJD2	7
Magnificent City Project Blowed Like an RJD2 beat CD, but in order to prevent you from two-tracking the beats, he put Aceyalone on it. Acey’s effort is worthy of mention, but I’m still waiting for the instrumental version. YOUNG NIZZLE

V/A	8
Roll Deep Present Grimey Vol. 1 DMC The gang that even Fiddy’s calling “the only crew outside G-Unit” have made a record that’s not quite a mixtape (too slick) and not quite an “All Back to Mine” (too edgy) but something in the middle. It’s grime for people who aren’t sure if they like grime but think that they might. Also, check viceland.com for details of the launch party. CHEEKY BANTER

Metronomy	7
Pip Paine (Pay The £5000 You Owe) Holphonic With this nifty debut, Metronomy straddles the indie-dance divide like a nice well-heeled kid from Devon who’s not 100 per cent sure what he’s getting himself into. This is rudimentary, sloppy stuff that’s not without charm and, at its best, sounds like a minimal techno record made by a gypsy marching band loony on moonshine. DUKE KENSINGTON

Volcano

7.5

Beautiful Seizure Leaf I’ve nary come across so aptly named a full-length as this, toted as Leaf’s first excursion into rock and roll shanties. Building slowly, like a volcano, the music erupts, like a volcano, into furious crescendos of noise and fury, the likes of which ye will not have seen, save for upon an active volcano. Reminds me of a volcano we once sailed into in the South Pacific, but with less lava and more electronics. Top cod. Captain Pete

Vampyros Lesbos

7

Sexadelic Dance Party Crippled Dick Hot Wax Everything about this should be long since played out—the loungey retro soundtrack thing, the softcore 60s photography, the detailed liner notes, the rare old tracks, the rare old guys with names like Manfred Hübler and Siegfried Schwab—but there’s something about the way lesbian vampires handle their business that manages to keep things fresh. Acid jazz, drum and bass and trip hop could’ve learned a thing or two from these lesbian vampires. Beef McGrufF

Nathan Fake

7

Drowning in a Sea of Love Border Community Drowning in a sea of hype more like. While all the promise and praise heaped upon young Nathan may help him to achieve much-deserved levels of near-Mylo-like fame and fortune in the wider world, the messiah complex within the electronic music press is, frankly, becoming something of an embarrassment. Nobody needs to save anything, we just need lots of anonymous geeks making great tunes. That, and robots with guns for eyes. Colonel Frank O’Hare, USAAF

Headman	5
On Gomma How do these guys get to be so fucking cool all the fucking time? Life in their scene is just one long afterhours party full of pretty Belgian fashion students doing little bumps of ketamine dancing to INXS re-edits and I want in. I’m on my myspace now if any of you can hook me up. MANNY QUESO

Faction G

8

The Committee EP Committee Recordings This 12-inch shows exactly why MC Faction G is the Ian MacKaye of the grime scene, with its tough production, political bars and a snappy little bark. If he sells enough copies maybe he can buy a couple of pages in RWD, get a little hype on road and Geeneus will move him off Rinse FM's graveyard shift. Send donations to: committeerecordings@hotmail.co.uk. LEROY LYONS

Exile

9

Pro Agonist Planet µ Out on vinyl this month for the first time with two extra tracks, one named “Openable Dog”, this album’s worth mentioning because the computer genius who spent hours and hours knocking out this gabberish drum’n’bass for cybergoths is a new entry in my top ten favourite people in Britain, and I hardly know him, just hung out one night in Brighton. Also, Exile—or Tim, as friends call him—does this ridiculous live show where he records and loops his own environment, mixes it with brutal rave, and gets pissed. With his tweed jacket and sunny demeanour, he reminds me of that guy from the Pimm’s adverts. THANDIE NEUTRON

Errors

6

How Clean Is Your Acid House? Rock Action Very clean and very sophisticated sounding, thanks to this new addition. Totally top notch fuzzy guitar stuff meets proper sub-bass, zoop zoop noises and electrotech touches in a delicate, hard-to-pull-off mix, combined with coffee-table worthy album art that demands to be left lying around your tidy, perfect flat so you can casually put it on when friends enquire and hope that they’re secretly impressed with your normally questionable taste. Beef McGruff

Pink Mountaintops

10

Axis Of Evol Jagjaguwar Pink Mountaintops is what the grouchy main dude from Black Mountain, Steve McBean, does when he needs to biff-bang a few demons and put his mind at rest. “I have been wrestling a dead angry deer / And she is still with me after all of these years”, he growls on menacing opener “Comas”, for example. After this, the album swells and looms like the dirtiest, greyest, heaviest thunderstorm, but it doesn’t burst. McBean just threatens us and, for a while back there, we were actually pretty scared. LES PANINI

Nick Cave and Warren Ellis

8

The Proposition Mute Soundtracks are a handy way of redeeming the talents of artists who have gone astray. Paris, Texas by Ry Cooder and Dead Man by Neil Young are the more obvious examples that spring to mind. I suppose it’s something to do with not having to write those pesky things called songs. Nick Cave, who has spent the past 10 years penning tedious paeans to lost love and redemption on a baby grand in Notting Hill has teemed up with his old Bad Seeds compadre Warren Ellis, he of Dirty Three fame, and managed to write a soundtrack to a western (an Australian one of course) that dismisses most of the clichés of the genre and manages to be beautiful, eerie and very, very lonesome. Which means of course that this is the best thing Cave’s done since Junkyard. NATHAN BENNETT

Moss	8
Cthonic Rites Aurora Borealis Extreme British outsider doom from Lovecraft and Crowley obsessives Moss that sounds like it was recorded in a dumpster buried six feet under. The mail order set will be going apeshit over this. As ever with this label, the packaging is great and there’s cool little shirts and gifts to go along with it as well. See aurora-b.com. CHARLES NG

Shora	7
Malval Conspiracy A friend of mine was just telling me how great this band is. Sounds like extreme Tortoise with delay pedals to me. Friends, huh? That’s why people drink. So they can tolerate their friends. Have you ever hung out with any of your friends sober? FRED DIBNAH

V/A

0

Numbers from the Beast: An All-Star Salute to Iron Maiden Restless The worst members of the worst bands from the worst era in music have united to bring you the worst tribute record ever conceived. Remember the bass player from Mr. Big? Or the singer for Judas Priest after Halford? Sure you don’t, but the tits who put this record together have dug them up to recreate what could be an ever-changing lineup for the covers band at Dee Snider’s bachelor party. I hope Billy Idol’s drummer can sleep well knowing his contribution to “Run to the Hills” has been a ripple within this undulating sea of diarrhoea. FOR REAL NEIL CALLAGHAN

The Elected	4
Sun, Sun, Sun Sub Pop Christ, you never know with Sub Pop. Sometime in the last century they released albums by great bands like Dwarves, Earth and Mudhoney. Now they’re content with MOR sunshine pop like The Elected here. The press release informs us it was “recorded on the road” in, like, hotel rooms and vans which is fitting a s they seem hellbent on getting synched to a car ad. CHIP WITHERS

Mogwai	9
Mr. Beast PIAS / Rock Action Thank fuck they're back. I can't take any more of these indie bands with dance routines, tight pants and lyrics for 12-year-old girls. ALAN CRAPSTAIN

Secret Machines	8
Ten Silver Drops Reprise / 679 Weren’t these guys meant to be weird and psychedelic? What happened, did you decide to sell some records? This has the potential to be up there with U2 or My Chemical Romance. Have fun touring the world’s arenas and making mad stacks. BITTER INDIE GUY

The Gossip	8.5
Standing In The Way Of Control Kill Rock Stars Holy shit, has this chubby little soul mamma and her well-drilled backroom boys ever got it going on. The Gossip are Le Tigre dressed up as the White Stripes and Standing In The Way Of Control is definitely this season’s must-have disco annihilator. I thought this would be awful. It isn’t. I love being wrong. BILL DANFORTH

Two Gallants

9

What The Toll Tells Saddle Creek Put aside the fact that Two Gallants are on a label that has polluted our ears with sad boys in sweaters crying about sad girls in too much makeup. That has NOTHING to do with this band. Take Kerouac with his up-too-late, thinking-too-much, missing-everything and needing-nothing amphetamine-fuelled rants, add it to swelling guitars with foot-pounding front porch anthems and you’ve got an unbeatable album. It’s a bit early, but I can already tell you this is going to be in my top 5 of 2006. CRAIG JOHNSON

Heroine Sheiks

9

Out of Aferica Reptilian If you didn’t know, guys from Heroine Sheiks used to be in Swans and Cows, two bands that spent the 80s and 90s scaring the living shit out of everybody. So if you dig catchy, happy tunes that make queuing in Pret A Manger lots of fun, then this will just make you type a little frowning emoticon. But for people who want to hear rock music awkwardly dismantled, drowned, and put together again by ex-junkie maniacs, find a copy of this and shove it into yourself as loudly as possible. It’s like the antidote for life. SASHA KARAKOVICH

Milloy	7
More Than A Machine Crackle Melodic punk from Wakefield—who’d’ve thought? Pissing on all the Gainsville also-rans from a great height comes Milloy who for some reason are still one of the North’s great secrets. Great tuneful melodies with massive riffs and a killer emotional voice. A record for all occasions, except sad funerals. JEF HARTSEL

Living Things	8
Ahead Of The Lions Red Ink If Green Day walked it like they talk it they’d sound something like Living Things. This is straight-up no-nonsense power-punk rock’n’roll from St. Louis that’s dangerously political (i.e. they mention bombs and religion more than once) and produced by Steve Albini. The singer got shot at twice after a show in Dallas. That’s how serious their fans are. EDDY WELLER

Tea And Toast Band	8
A Winter Journey Mentalist Association The amount of love, care and painstaking loneliness that’s been poured into this album is evident from the first seconds of the first track. This makes me think of Daniel Johnston reading children’s bedtime stories to Kieran Hebden. Not a thought you want to entertain for long. JAIMIE HODGSON

Mohair	7
Small Talk Ear Candy If you’re the kind of person whose life lost that little sparkle when Toploader called it a day, then you should definitely investigate Mohair. Classic pop songwriting in the vein of The Zutons with a cheeky Queen-esque sensibility, Small Talk strikes a guitar-shaped blow for all those who refuse to play it straight. CLIVE ROCK

Celebration

4

Celebration 4AD Hands up who’s bought a 4AD record recently? No, nothing old, just from the last four years. Thought as much. Yep, TV On The Radio, okay, but when did you last play that? You might like Celebration who, in the new tradition of 4AD acts, make it hard to enjoy their music with knobbly bits of afrobeat, detuned guitars and squawking. This is what their drummer, David Bergander, has to say: “I hope that going to one of our shows is a way for people to release themselves from all the darkness of their day. That’s what we’re doing.” Sounds fun, eh? SISSY SPACECAKE

The Most Serene Republic	6
Underwater Cinematographer Arts & Crafts You know it: more wishy-washy “ensemble” indie from some pretentious teenage Canadian troupe who sound like a sketchier version of Arcade Fire and Broken Social Scene. Wait, does that make it sound interesting? DUDE MCNUDE

Cat Power	6
The Greatest Matador In which indie goddess Chan Marshall hangs out in Memphis with some old-timer musician dudes for that authentic down-home vibe. It’s dusty-sounding and a little funkier than usual but I prefer her solo stuff. ROLF FRITTER

The National Trust	0
Kings and Queens Thrill Jockey I am so skeeved out by this I feel like I have giant scabies. Like that scene in King Kong with the huge insects all over Adrian Brody. This record is that scene. STILL BILL

Tilly And The Wall	6
Wild Like Children Moshi Moshi Just a bunch of friends from Omaha, Nebraska doing what they love doing and hoping that, you know, if they like it then maybe other people will like it too. It’s cute and whimsical and one of the girls tap-dances every so often. I guess that’s what marks them out from all the other nauseatingly twee bands vying for your stupid attention. Tap-dancing. FRUITY MCGINTY

Mystery Jets

6.5

Making Dens 679 Some people say that Mystery Jets sound like all those critically-lauded bands you’re supposed to like but never listen to, like Talking Heads, XTC and Brian Eno. They’re much better than that, though: have you heard “Alas Agnes”? The cover is one of those high-concept sleeves where everything that is held dear by the group is represented by an item or imagery, such as cricket bats, model aeroplanes and light bulbs. Unique and bamboozling. KEITH WARREN

The Fallout Trust	4
In Case of Flood At Large Neat combination of Mansun’s painful theatrics with Hard-Fi’s smug swagger. Somewhere in every town there’s a church hall with a band performing this kind of shit. AFRO DAN

The Concretes	6
The Concretes In Colour EMI The Concretes are from Sweden so their capacity to excite is naturally limited. It’d be nice to catch them play Glastonbury on the Sunday morning but truthfully, with their slushy 60s sound and cloying harmonies, they make The Magic fucking Numbers sound like Stockhausen. LIL MINTY

The Open	8
Statues Loog If any of you are planning on having long protracted break-ups or thinking about leaving home for the first time, then listen to this while you're doing it and it’ll make everything feel a lot more epic, romantic and exciting than it actually is. ANITA CRAPPER

V/A

9

New York Noise Vol. 2 Soul Jazz It’s funny to think that in the late-70s and early-80s, when most of this abrasive and adventurous music was recorded, that no-one had ever made stuff quite like this before. These days the best any group can hope for is a rough approximation of sounding like someone else, who inevitably did it better in the first place. This compilation isn’t necessarily an easy listen, but if you’ve never heard Felix’s “Tigerstripes” then get it and you’ll be blown away by everything else here. Overall, though, way too much sax. DWAYNE BRAVO

George Clinton Presents The P-Funk Mob

2

How Late Do You Have 2BB4UR Absent? Nocturne The idea of this pretty entertaining guy returning with an insane 150-minute megafunkopolis of a double-album is, sadly, much more exciting than the reality. From the terrible title down, this mother honks like rotten funk because the wacky dude’s overloaded it with smoochy stripclub soul and tired old lounge bilge. Taxi for Mr. Clinton, pronto. RODNEY G. JONES

The Television Personalities

8

My Dark Places Domino Not too hot on this guy’s previous work—there’s stacks of it and he was very influential in the 80s; Kurt Cobain’s fave, apparently—but this album is bananas, in a touching and scary way. Pete Doherty could be Dan Treacy in 15 years time if he keeps things up, broken and lost, fresh out of jail, somewhere between a fractured genius and a jittery old tramp, layers of dry yellow spit all down his anorak. Btw, you won’t impress anyone by owning this record. JENNIFER JUNIPER