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The EPMD mantra of “You gots to chiiilll” is a healthy attitude to have in this stress-laden age, but pissing your pants? There’s nothing laid-back about having itchy legs no matter how late you slept in.

Mothers need to stop dressing up their kids as goombah hitmen with gambling problems. There’s nothing cute about catching AIDS from a prostitute.

It’s fun to dress up as a pimp, and we’re all experts at ignoring what really goes on in that world—which is why it ruins everything when you pound your wife’s eye shut and whack her on the leg so hard she has cane marks.

Whoa, whoa, guy. It sucks that you don’t have arms but blaming it on the gay community is like blaming it on the rain. You have to take responsibility sometimes for all the drugs your mum did when she was pregnant.

Hey lady, you may want to take it a little easy on the accessories. You’re supposed to take one thing off before you go out, not throw on a hat, two wigs, fingerless gloves, an arm ribbon, some tiger-skin Speedos, and pubic hair shaved into the word “Hey-o!”

Someone needs to tell all West Asians that we are not that freaked out by them and that nobody’s going to drag them behind a truck for not believing in Jesus Christ. Take it fucking easy with the local patriotism. Also, for the record, high-heeled shoes are a girl/fag thing.

Nudity works if your ass isn’t covered in zits, but if it looks like you sat on an ass covered in zits that were painted red so they’d come off on your ass, you may want to take it easy on the butt and just flash that stupid idiot your tits.

The pimped-out look has gone from a few ostentatious touches of fur and gold to a little kid who went into his parents’ closet when his mum went away with her new boyfriend and his dad forgot to pick him up because he thought next weekend was his weekend.

This is a free country and you should be able to read any book you want, but flaunting David Duke’s Jewish Supremacism in a Launderette is a little rich, especially when you don’t even understand English.

The older men get, the more twisted their methods of picking up young girls. Now they’re trying to trigger some Pavlovian response by dressing as Captain Fucking Boner from kids’ shows in the 80s.

Hey guy, we love scary shit as much as the next guy, but a werewolf tattoo? Where is this, Burundi? There has to be a line drawn somewhere in the sand, especially with the arm thing going across his skirt and her crazy Brazilian legs like it’s the Bongo-Bongo police all over again.

Click here for the DOS

Comments:

Subject: douche or not to dusch
Date: Mar 09 2006 02:43:22 AM
Author: lusardi

douche (as in clean your ass out before anal sex) is spelled DOUCHE not DOUSCH as in the french vernacular
so Bradlinger get a douche and get a new sensation

Subject: agree
Date: Mar 03 2006 03:34:24 AM
Author:

im sorry vice but i too also agree with many of your readers.. the standard of this magazine is certianly depleting.

"You have to take responsibility sometimes for all the drugs your mum did when she was pregnant." erm, yes. what?

Subject: fakeages
Date: Feb 23 2006 04:53:18 PM
Author: simon

Have to agree the photoshop jobs are particularly shite this time. Before now I'd doubted the fakers out there but these are appalling...

Subject: why?
Date: Feb 21 2006 11:27:54 AM
Author: Alex

did you do the shit picks on purpose?

Subject: SHUT THE FUCK UP.......
Date: Feb 21 2006 06:03:05 AM
Author: muncher

you are all faeces

VICE rules you are a bunch of cocksuckers stop moaning you give me a headache....

do you have nothing better to do....

Subject: What's happened?
Date: Feb 20 2006 11:23:49 AM
Author: *sigh*

Got to agree with many of the other posts here...the writing for these captions is pure faeces.

Subject: middle class fucka
Date: Feb 20 2006 08:51:30 AM
Author: posh boy

"I bet your fuckin middle class fucka"

no fucka - I'M A UPER CLASS

I bet your a cunting working class cunt

Subject: turd tyrony
Date: Feb 17 2006 02:16:20 PM
Author: aud

who the fuck are you to name them hapless fools, the phrase 'going up your own asshole' springs to mind. eh eh

idiot

i bet your fuckin middle class fucka

Subject: the same
Date: Feb 17 2006 10:55:56 AM
Author: Market research

Try and peddle you toss mag in Iraq, Africa, etc.. and then you may understand how irrelevant you actually are to the world.

Subject: TURD POLISHING
Date: Feb 17 2006 10:46:06 AM
Author: Me

Children please fucking grow up. Let people dress, do, say what ever they want. Who hell are you to dictate to what we should think or feel about these poor hapless fools who you basically exploit for your own amusement. This is not photo journalism this basically a steaming pile of poo. THE PHRASE
"YOU CAN'T POLISH A TURD" SPINGS TO MIND.

Subject: photoshop
Date: Feb 15 2006 08:43:31 PM
Author: samson

the piss stain
the dummy
the black eye/cane marks
the arm guy's slogan
wig/hat
Indian face on white womans body
ass spots
sunglasses
book, etc. And fuck knows what's going on in that last photo - but it's not funny
check out s-o-l-i-d.c o m if you want funny

Subject: Dos & Dont's
Date: Feb 15 2006 07:00:49 PM
Author: Chris

the Dos & Dont's this issue are shit! Tell the work experience retard that wrote these shitty captions to beat it and bring back the regular writer!

Subject: Armless guy
Date: Feb 15 2006 04:41:21 PM
Author: RATA

Hey I know this guy . that photo was taken in barcelona, in las ramblas and the wife-beater shirt probably had nothing written on it.
you photoshop wankers...

Subject: get the theme yet?!
Date: Feb 15 2006 04:30:29 PM
Author: max

Ok, it's gonna explain a lot once you previous posters figure out the 'secret' theme of this issue. Please. C'mon now, there, there...

Read 'Holiday in Zimbabwe' and try to not go rip your bladder open.

Bon travail Vice!

Subject: Actually..
Date: Feb 15 2006 02:51:36 PM
Author: Zed

You know what? This is getting a bit tiresome now, isn't it?

Subject: Everything good must die
Date: Feb 15 2006 07:55:48 AM
Author: Bradlinger

So Vice you dusch bags, you've given up. Finally. You couldn't even be fucked to make a decent job of photoshopping the shit out of this whole segment. I keep coming back to see if you're back on top of your game... but nope. I geuss I just have to resign myself to the fact that YOU ARE NOT FUNNY, ANYMORE.

Subject: fakes
Date: Feb 15 2006 07:35:56 AM
Author: joka

wow the staff were so desperate for don'ts they cut and pasted stuff on the photos!

Subject: '
Date: Feb 14 2006 06:46:39 AM
Author: §

photoshop.

Subject: ...
Date: Feb 14 2006 12:41:41 AM
Author: .

I don't see a werewolf tattoo