Photo by Neil Thomson

We nearly used this piece as the intro to the issue. It would have worked well as a sensational “Welcome To Barra” piece. Thing is, it would have been totally unrepresentative of the islanders, who, on the whole, treated us amazingly well.

It’s like this. Ethnic diversity isn’t big in Barra. Of the 1,200 population, everybody is white. Before we came here we’d heard whispers of everybody being racist but, apart from the golly dolly we bought in the gift shop, we couldn’t see any proof of that. Plus, there were zero people of any other colour apart from white, so how can there be any active racism? Like socio-political, economic racism. So anyway, there was this one drunken guy, who shall remain nameless, who was looking at us weird and whispering about us the whole time we were there. The day before we left the island, he came up to us at the Craigard Bar and bought us half a round of drinks. He came and sat down with us and his opening gambit, after looking at Jamie, our Jewish photographer, was: “So what’s his name?”

Vice: His name is James.
Drunk guy: Aaaahah! I can’t believe it, I never met a coloured bastard called James. I feel sorry for coloured people. You’re a wee shite now fuck off, you black bastard.

But he’s a white Jew
He hasn’t got a big nose like the Jews. You don’t look like a fucking Jew boy. The thing about coloured women is they have beautiful skin, like “Oooh hello there!” [this is funny and makes the situation less tense].

His girlfriend is black but he’s white and Jewish
You’re a black bastard.

What?
Ach, you black bastard (stands up and rubs Jamie on the head, then turns to me). What nationality are you?

English. What nationality are you?
Hebridean. You’re a fucking arsehole. I’m Hebridean and we’re hard as nails. So fuck off. Rarrraghghghashssssh.

So Hebridean is separate from Scottish?
Aye. So what are you?

English.
Aaah. You’re a wanker. A wanker. A wanker. A wanker. (Turning to somebody else) He’s a wanker.

I’m trying to be a polite wanker
Aaah you’re a wanker. I’m Hebridean. English are arseholes. They’re arseholes. You look like you want to be Scottish but you can’t be. You’re an arsehole. Ach I’m only joking.

Okay.

VICE STAFF