Grimewatch didn’t appear last month, but don’t freak out, we were only taking a break. In all honesty, we asked one of the grime kids to give us their tidbits and it came back a week late as “Weed, Blank CDs, Cold Drink...” and it just wasn’t that funny, so we’ll leave it to the online bloggers to provide their end of year reviews of “the scene” and move along. What we will say though, is: “Don’t judge a banana by its skin”. In 2005, grime looked like a delicious, ripe banana, but when the skin was peeled back by major labels, what has been revealed is an under-ripe yet strangely bruised piece of vulnerable fruit. Major labels have casually signed, mis-marketed, under-promoted, then dropped MCs. This year, it’s all gonna change, though. This year, it’s all about releasing your own stuff independently and raising your own profile.

Something that will hopefully raise grime’s profile everywhere is DJ Plasticman’s new Radio 1 show. Don’t get too excited though, it’s on at a ridiculous time on a Sunday, it’s only one show every six weeks and it may be cancelled after 36 weeks. If that miniature piece of exposure to the masses wasn’t enough, in the coming month there’s also going to be a collaboration between the BBC Concert Orchestra and “classically trained” (i.e., he played the piano a bit in school) grime producer Davinche. This will involve Davinche and some conductor leading a 36-piece orchestra alongside the gulliest skeng man MCs on road (and Bruza) and will culminate in a 70-minute live performance, which will later be broadcast on Radio 3 and 1Xtra. We went along to the first practice session and were pleasantly surprised. MCs Tor, Purple, Bruza and Pase, as well as beatboxer Faith SFX were all on microphone duties and although the session mostly involved everyone just standing around and chillaxing, we liked what we heard. The two groups seemed to interact quite well; although the grumpy old guy on the timpani nearly laid an egg when Bruza got too hyped and accidentally threw his drink over him.

Talking of unexpected collaborations, you’re gonna shit your pants when you hear Bruza’s song he’s made with Dido. Everyone is keeping tight-lipped about whether or not it will be released, so keep an eye out in the bargain bin in Woolworths and let us know if you see it. If that wasn’t crazy enough, top grime producer Statik is doing a re-fix version of the entire Babyshambles album. We managed to catch a secret gig they did together last month, which sounded awesome. He’s also working on remixes for Bloc Party, The Rakes and Test Icicles, which pretty much means he’s created a new tiny genre that no one will listen to called “Grindie” within a tiny scene that no one cares about. We also found out that Skepta’s waste-bar—“load magazines like Chantelle Fiddy”—was actually written by Statik. Boy, is somebody gonna be disappointed when they hear that! We think a certain Mr Lethal Bizzle Senior won’t be too impressed either when he learns about how his son has been spending his weekends racing old bangers around the streets of north London. We’re guessing that’s how tha Bizzle crashed his dad’s car, although the truth will probably all be revealed on a forthcoming episode of Lethal B’s Channel U reality show Rollin’ Wit Da Bizzle produced and directed by Ratty and Capo.

Something else we’re loving is the cover to Davinche’s new album Dirty Canvas: The Legacy, which is a strangely ingenius, yet totally inaccurate reworking of Leonardo’s Homo Vitruvianus (look at the tiny package!). The actual music, though suffering from a lack of MCs, is pretty good too. The standout track for us has to be the bananas Candi Staton-sampling “Sometimes”, although we’re not sure exactly why he decided to keep the LP strictly instrumental. How much better would the album have been if he’d stuck on his tracks with MCs like Kano, for example? Also, I gotta ask—is it just me who thinks Kano’s new single, “Signs In Life”, is some kind of unofficial tribute to latterday Ms Dynamite? Regardless, there’s no getting away from the fact that the video looks like a Dubplate Drama outtake, although I’m sure Kane isn’t too bothered considering 679 have also paid for a video for “Brown Eyes” filmed in Jamaica. In other news, get your “Free Roachee” T-shirt ready ‘cos we heard he might be in a little bit of bother. It was only yesterday when we were having lunch with him and Trim at the Savoy, so bang your doors for us.

One thing we should discuss, though, is the ridiculously good Eye Of The Tiger—Volume 1 mixtape, which draws together quite literally all of the biggest MCs and producers in the game. Vice even get a mention on the Wiley track “WD25”. Other mixtapes to spend your pocket money on include Ears’ incredible Breath Of Fresh Ear, JME’s Shut Ya Mout: Volume 1 and Newham Generals’ Welcome to Newham. We’re still waiting for Ruff Sqwad’s Guns and Roses: Volume 2 which we’re promised is on its way, although for some reason they’ve ditched their masterpiece “The Birthmark” and are now starting a new album from scratch. If you’re wondering what to do with the rest of the money you stole from your gran’s purse on Christmas Day, you should look no further than the Practice Hours 2 double-DVD, which is one of the few grime DVDs we’ve seen that doesn’t look like it was filmed and edited by a blind man with Parkinson’s.

CLARENCE STATELY-HOLMES