Can’t stop. Won’t stop…

MORE ME GENERATION
So yeah, as we were saying back when your grandfather had kids he took pride in the work of providing well-made goods or services. In short, life had a purpose and the future was bright.

Then the boomers came along and conveniently “rebelled” against integrity, finding Beatlemania worshipping a lot more satisfying. By the time the 80’s rolled around they were raising their own brats with a 10-foot pole and complaining about commitment being limiting. Nowadays dads are going to therapy and moms want to be called by their first name and everyone’s dumping their fucking feelings to us. Shit, get over yourselves already! Who cares?

DADS ARE PERPETUAL BABIES
Can a generation grow old less gracefully, please? Fifty-year-old men with gel in their fucking hair? And sandals! What is it about them where they can’t be adults about anything?

It all comes back to their sense of entitlement that they got from never having had to work for anything in their lives. So when boomer dads turn 50 and reflect on their lives, all they see is the hot, young pussy they could have been entitled to if not for being “chained down” to responsibilities. To block that horrible thought, they just imagine they’re still 22 and the whole thing about meeting Mom never happened. Now it’s all X-treme sports, “picking up where I left off” and asking their kids about Coldplay.

THEY HATE THE COPS
The younger ones pretend they hate the cops but as soon as there’s the slightest altercation they go nuts and start yelling, “Police, police, police!”

They love the free spirit of an anarchist commune but they want anyone who gets in their way to be punished with Stalinist ruthlessness right away.

THEY RUINED FOOD!
In 1961 the parents of boomers made Julia Child’s “Mastering The Art Of French Cooking” a best seller. Ten years later Hamburger Helper and the Big Macs debuted and took over our colons, because boomers wanted to be liberated from making any effort in the kitchen.

These technologically incapable nitwits are so seduced by the idea using new-fangled science that they show Future Farmers of America classrooms films on how superior our hormone fed super-beasts are to boring natural ones and how growing GMO crops is like being James Bond.

When it comes to dining-out all boomers have are familiar franchise restaurants, with the same standardized pre-processed entrees. I mean, do they have vegans directing these Applebee’s commercials? The food looks like a flambéed abortion covered in jack cheese.

RAISING KIDS
I like how all these “hippy” moms would artificially create kids and raise them in a plastic bubble if they could. After going with the 20th century science of baby formula being better than the shit nature has coming out of your nipples, Moms pretty much screwed babies out of a complete immune system. Then they feed kids candy breakfast cereal so they don’t hear complaining and put DVD players in their minivan so children watch at least 18-hours of televison and don’t bother them.

When ADD and autism became skyrocketing epidemics, the CDC traced it all back to the increase in mandatory vaccinations, which overwhelmed the weak immune systems of infants. To fix the problem, boomers came up with the idea of force-feeding these kids pharmaceuticals, as we already told you.

CURING AIDS WITH EGO
After inventing AIDS by fooling around with monkeys to come up with a redundant oral vaccine for Polio (which had already vanished due to cleaner water), boomers decided to cure it with “awareness.” Every time they donated a dollar to AIDS research, they’d put red ribbon on their lapel to show everyone what a great humanitarian they were. People used to get pelted at celebrity events if they didn’t wear one and then a few years later Magic Johnson found a cure and it all went out of vogue. Now it’s moved on to some multi-colored rubber band bracelet thing and nobody has any clue what it symbolizes. Which is fine, because bracelets don’t cure anything anyway. Like with the moon landing, boomers are still confusing media attention with actual achievement.

THEY DIDN’T LAND ON THE MOON
Here’s a question: How come we don’t have the technology for a “return lunar mission?” Can’t we just use the same technology? Wait, they never had that technology? Ooooooh, that’s why all those Neil Armstrong pictures have shadows from like 10 different light sources.

Like all things boomer, the 60s Cold War was a global psychological bluff in passing off non-action as achievement. The USA decided the best was to destroy the Soviet Union in the Space Race was simply by calling them up and saying, “Yeah, so uh, we slept with the moon last night. It wasn’t all that great really. If you’re into seconds, feel free to try it yourself.” And the USSR was all “Comrade, why is the flag fluttering in a breeze if there’s zero atmosphere?’’

THE SEXUAL REVOLUTION?
Guess that means no one was having sex or discussing the topic prior to ‘68? You’d have to be a mythologizing boomer to believe that crap! Didn’t they ever hear of pre-code movies, The Flappers, Mae West or The Lost Generation writers like Henry Miller? All boomers did was flood the mainstream with pornography, to the point that Giuliani was still busy shutting down porno theatres way into the 90s. From now on, you jerk offs are officially known as the “Masturbation Generation.”

Our grandmothers—the ones who sewed themselves nice dresses—got to treat “dating” like “hanging out.” They could see a different guy every Friday night and it wasn’t called being a “whore,” it was being “popular.” When they didn’t want to see someone anymore, they’d say they had to wash their hair. Then boomers came up with “free love” and it meant fucking strangers and being too lazy for courtship.

ADULT THEME PARK FRANCHISES
Used be people came up with gaudy attractions to dazzle their children until the boomers came around and started turning the focus on themselves. Now Vegas is selling itself as an Epcot for cheating husbands and moms are thrilled to be eating Parrothead Happy Meals at “Cheeseburgers in Paradise.” Now, they want to take you to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, so they can point to the glass cases and impart the importance of having celebrities as your “role model.” I mean, do they have air guitar demonstrations? Do you walk in under a big sign saying “The end of innovation…the dawn of mimicry?”

MORE DRUGS
Boomers open centers for “Marijuana Addiction” and put ads on TV of stoners playing with guns. But if a school says your unruly 12-year old needs to take four kinds of crystallized amphetamine salts (Adderall) for their “attention,” then that’s OK. Incidentally, most schools consider ADD a “special need” and get extra funding for each diagnosed student they have.

It’s the same as 100 years ago when Bayer sold heroin for “fatigue” and warships forced opium sales on The Orient. Boomers are such herd-following robots that as long as someone tells them it’s “legal,” that’s all they need to hear. Their heavy reliance on pharmaceuticals comes from their love of therapy and being self-indulgent enough to talk about themselves for hours.

PROTESTING
You know, in the past whenever the majority of the population was under the yoke of squandering dilettantes, something drastic always happened. Then boomers came along with their pussy “non-action” way of changing things with street theatre. When the RNC convention came to down, it was a sea of boomers and post-boomers with drums, baton twirling and of course papier-mâché puppets. Like when I got arrested en masse and found myself sitting on prison bus full of crust punks singing an acapella version of “Redemption Song.” A loud fart could have shut down that RNC convention, but no one really wanted to. It was all just an excuse to put on clown make-up and be Merry Pranksters again.

NEO-BOOMERS
Now 30-year old trust fund, skater graffiti artists are shaping up to be just as tiresome as boomers. Enough with walking around town and carrying a skateboard prop to prove how cool you were 10-years ago. You want to be one of these tie-dyed assholes who still think they’re in high school?

Similarly, enough with the noise band, “underground is really cool,” “success would be the worst thing ever” crap. In case you haven’t noticed the other 10 pages of this guide, your destiny is basically to be kept powerless and in debt by the boomers. So you don’t have to take credit for working really hard on the non-accomplishment angle

In fact the reason there’s no ads on TV for people aged 24-35 is because we’re broke as shit. Everything’s either for older or younger people and it’s all Just For Men, Wrinkle Creams, Cialis and Estrogen supplements. All the car ads are for boomers too, as people over 60 make up the majority of luxury car sales. Even the car ads with the indie music are for dads who read Spin and see themselves as 22.

PUNK
The quiet secret of punk is that it’s just the tail end of this pompous boomer trend of believing you can change the world by going to shows. Malcom McLaren is a self-publicizing sensationalist who got kids from his T-shirt store to form a marketable image he called “punk.” It was invented as a media figment that became a music scene which stressed the audience was a part of the society altering movement by virtue of just showing up in the same costume. We’re not against it in anyway, we just couldn’t be hypocrites and conveniently ignore it either. You can’t just pretend that DOA didn’t cover that Motown anthem “War” complete with boomer motherhood statements like “War! It ain’t nothing but a heartbreaker.” And there’s no sense trying to deny that Stiff Little Fingers bragged about how fun it was to be on welfare.

And it’s pretty clear that Food Not Bombs only feeds other crusty punks. The whole thing’s sort of a preaching to the choir fashion scene, really. Who are these kids walking around Tompkins Square park with spiked leather vest like it’s ‘78? Do they live in time capsules? They’re just hippies with mohawks.

THE “AMERICAN DREAM” BULLSHIT
Back in the day Archie Bunker could work some job out of high school and comfortably support his suburban family. If anyone from his era graduated college, they’d be running a company. Now, the minimum wage at the coffee shop is the same as it was in ‘97.

WORSE THAN COMMIES
They’re still giving us the “put your nose to the grindstone” mantra, despite the fact that the working class are now uninsured, freelance post-boomers pushing data around in the pixel mines of their companies. What was that old chestnut of a line, “Arbeit Macht Frei?” (work brings freedom).

Boomers are getting rich by being executives in high tech companies created by our generation’s nerds. If those idiots knew anything about computers at all, they wouldn’t have handed over $100-billion to the I.T. equivalent of Official Bikini Inspectors to have all their laptops made “Y2K compliant.”

The truth is, outside of idiot savants, there’s no wealth for those on the low-rung, because the top tier of the corporate ladder so bloated with clueless high-salary executive boomers that any revenue coming into the company is sucked dry. For example, the federal government continually needs to bail out the transportation sector like they did with United Airlines to the tune of billions of dollars, just to keep these top-heavy operations afloat.

Ironically boomers grew up petrified of red-scare commies, despite their love of government funding businesses. Have you seen an Emergency Room bill? They itemize $80 bucks for a bandage and $50 for the aspirin, so that they can milk the federal government for thousands when you fail to pay the bill. Meanwhile they treat people needing welfare and those asking for a minimum wage hike like bomb-wielding Marxists intent on destroying capitalism. So now you have broke single moms in the South who won’t even apply for government assistance because they think it’s anti-American.

THEY BLEW IT
Don’t they get it? These fuckers were handed the world after WWII and blew it like Brewster’s Millions, leaving the economy $7-trillion in the hole. Meanwhile they’ve been acting worse than feudal lords padding out your pockets with get this … 17.5 trillion in personal wealth, of which $1.7 trillion is disposable income annually! That’s three times the GDP of Costa Rica!

Meanwhile the rest of us are fucked. The second highest rate of bankruptcy is for people aged 24-35, while boomers are the richest group on the planet. They’re collecting $2.8-trillion from retirement assets AND we’re paying for their Social Security checks because no one is means testing. They even get these checks mailed to them while they’re still at the office, because three-quarters of all boomers work through retirement.

How about next time there’s a dialogue on “the work Americans won’t do for $5,” like clean houses — rather than just proposing legislation again for temporary immigration id’s, why don’t these “hippies” actually enforce the minimum wage laws for a change? There’s a crazy concept right, making jobs fair for poor Americans?

STANDING MONDAY MEETINGS
Work is actually fun for boomers, because all they do is attend meetings on how they’re going to delegate to those doing all the work at the bottom of the company. They’re so into being blameless that it takes at least ten of them to make a decision, like they’re stabbing Julius Caesar or something. Most executives also have no clue about the industry their company is involved in. None. Which is why they hop so easily around from running a Silicon Valley company to running a frozen food company. It’s all the same “work” for them.

For the rest of us, after the economy tanked into another recession we got memos about increased “productivity,” meaning the forty-hour work week now runs from 9-6, because we don’t get paid for the lunch hour we’re expected to work through. And if we forget to cc: some figure-head boomer in the office, they treat it like getting slapped in the face with a velvet glove. We get a talk about making them look bad in front of “the team.”

BLAMING THE WORLD AND BEYOND
Frustrated boomers turned to self-help books to find out why they were only “senior” VP’s instead of “executive” VP’s. I mean what’s more telling than the boomer generation’s one moment of self-actualization whereby they ask Tony Robbins, “Why am I holding myself back?”

That small triumph of finally getting blame pointed in the right direction was soon over shadowed when they made Dianetics a best-seller in the 80s. After paying lots of money, they got to find out that an alien named Xenu from a far away galaxy invaded human sub consciousness and was responsible for all those poor decisions that were keeping them back. But Xenu hates money and celebrity, so the more you gather of both, the better off you’ll be. Thanks boomers for looking deep inside yourselves and sharing.

MOVIES SUCK SO BAD
Legend has it that studio-head Amy Pascal one day asked to see a list of all properties that Sony had in development. Looking it over she saw a bunch of original ideas and was like, “Why are we making these new movies, when we still have hits that don’t have sequels?” If you think I’m joking, as soon as Spiderman went #1 at the box office, Pascal wanted to do six of them. Now it’s all sequels, remakes and retreads of any brand name out their with a following (comic, TV show, etc). Boomers champion franchise mimicry over innovation, because they are propaganda robots that only work on a level of marketing and knowing what was successful in the past and how to replicate it. That’s the logic of putting Cedric the Entertainer in a remake of a 50s TV show that no-one under 40 has even heard of. Boomers just think they nailed every demographic with that one.

And thanks for the Space Race love of shooting movies “digitally” and coming up with newfangled CGI special effects. Now movies feel like I’m watching someone play Xbox and look ten times worse than the stuff crafted by pre-boomers.

Also, because boomers refuse to retire, the same people making films from the 70s are still making shit today: Jack, Gangs of New York, Melinda & Melinda, Snake Eyes, Phantom Menace, War Of The Worlds. The only good news is that if Taxi Driver II does get made (serious) it’ll be a fucking laugh riot. Could you imagine?

THEY TURNED AMERICA INTO A PIZZA PIE
I’m not talking about the black people that led to White Flight suburbanites, I’m talking about all the whiny special-interest splinter groups that democracy have devolved into. After the Me Generation started handing out “Queer Studies” degrees along with other majors reeking of PC white-male guilt, liberals became a bunch of blameless victim groups with their own selfish agenda.

Now on one side of the political spectrum you have a segregated conglomeration of “Gay-Americans,” “Latino-Americans” and “Left Handed-Americans” all wanting to get their petty causes turned into law. On the other side is an anti-minority majority, made up of people fearful of laws being passed by self-centered special interest groups. Now as people walk around and talk about how they are D.I.N.K.S. (Double Income No Kids) and want special accommodation, the other side just thinks they are dinks for trying to bend the system to their needs.

POLITICS
Teddy Roosevelt came up with a campaign speech back in the day that said, “I have scant patience with this talk of the tyranny of the majority… We are today suffering from the tyranny of minorities.” Today every election is just “tyranny of minority” vs. “tyranny of majority.” Democrats vote for “women’s rights” and Republicans vote against “homos taking over.” As the majority always seen to have more people (hence the term), they keep winning each election.

It’s just so predictable nowadays that politicians don’t even need to try. They just recycle campaign scripts and blow off bothering to even come up with fancy lies to the tell the press. Now it’s all just “evil-doers” and “let me look into that.”

If you think you’re already getting sick of this and can’t wait for it to be over, keep in mind that we’ve only yet had two boomer Presidents and they’re about to take over congress. You’d better start looking at politics in sense of settling in for the long haul.

ABSINTHE NYC