Viceland - THE VICE GUIDE TO KILLING YOUR PARENTS

NAME CULTURE
“This is Barbara Nameypants, signing off, back to you Brad. Thanks Barbara, Now lets go to Mary Weatherspoon for the latest on today’s shithacking etc” Do you think I give a flying fuck who reads the news off a cue card? Oooh it’s Anderson Cooper on CNN in huge letters. I care. Gloria Vanderbilt’s son is going to read the news to me. I’m so scared.

Baby Boomers are so self-obsessed they invented this name culture where everybody has to get credited in real huge letters for all the world to see. I was playing a video game the other day and there was a plaque riveted to it explaining who designed what in the game. Um, I don’t hire video game designers but thanks for the heads up. If I ever need someone to do “action layout and design” I’ll give Danny Yakamoto a call. Nobody cares who you are you fuck. That’s why we always make up funny names for bylines in this magazine. It doesn’t matter who we are. Our motto is, “It’s not about the person it’s about the thing.”

PETER JENNINGS
Waaaaah. Peter Jennings died. He was a great American reader of the news and now he’s gone. Oh and Johnny Carson died too. Noooooo! He used to talk to celebrities about bullshit and he would even wear a funny hat on his head sometimes. That’s gone forever.

Can you believe how much fucking air time these guys got when they croaked? And the people being interviewed always said the same thing, “We will never see the likes of him again.” They are so into themselves that when one of them dies it’s like the end of an era. Sorry boomers but there are an endless supply of people that can read the news and an even huger supply of people willing to chat with celebrities. I know it hurts but the truth is: the world will go on when you die.

LOWER CASE HELVETICA
Oh and when they want to pretend they’re humble about their name they do that fucking annoying lower case Helvetica thing where they’re all jon forsythe and berry goldsprinkk.

TATTOOS
We don’t really like tattoos. Half the time we look down at our arms and go, “What the fuck was I thinking?” but boomers don’t get them. If it helps separate us from them then get the fuck over here with that machine and start drawing on me.

PONTIFICATING
Are they constantly sitting by the lake in On Golden Pond? Well, yeah, kind of. Their whole life is a big hangout with nothing to do but ask meaningless questions about stuff. “Oh, should gays be married? Oh, what about the death penalty? And what is rap anyways?” Who gives a shit? The other day I tuned into CBC Radio and you know what the topic of the day was? (This is not a joke.) It was, “Why do we say duck tape instead of duct tape?” Hey, old people, I don’t have time to ponder. I’m busy doing stuff and trying to pay off the Sisyphean debt you stuck me with. Move!

Of course, they’re not listening. They’re by the lake musing. They love to muse because you never have to get into facts or statistics. You can just throw math in the garbage, grab a big book of critical theory and hmmmm away.

You ever see that PBS, eight DVD series about New York? Jesus Christ. You have to wade through about twenty minutes of musing to get one fact. “There is no definitive book about New York,” says one of the many tweed blazer wearing history pontificators, “because it is ever changing.” What in the fuck does that mean? Have LA, Boston and Sri Lanka just sat there in awe of the Big Apple wondering why they don’t change too? Ivory tower professors puke out this blethering rhetoric because they want to get their soundbite in some big book of quotes while we sit there rolling our eyes waiting for some actual information.

RUDE PUNS
Being forced to go to a dinner party with your parents is about as bad as it gets. Can these people get over rude puns please? “Oh, you shower and I’ll show her!” What are they, virgins? I thought they started the sexual revolution. To hear them talk and giggle about “blue movies” makes you wonder if they even know girls don’t have dinks.

THEY DON’T DO ORAL SEX
Can you believe these fucking losers need some fag to come by with a briefcase full of dildoes to tell them how to do a blowjob? Ha ha ha. What were you doing for the past twenty years, lying on top of each other and wiggling around until a baby came out?

C-SECTIONS
Now these fuckers are telling the doctor exactly what day they want to have the baby. Is there a woman alive today that doesn’t do a C-section? What ever happened to being a pregnant lady that pushes a baby out of her vagina? Was that process so flawed? It seemed to be going pretty well for the last 50,000 years. Thanks to boomers the only way to give birth is to induce labor with a bunch of chemicals and then carve her up if she doesn’t pop one out in the next two minutes. What is this, Logan’s Run?

THEY ARE CRYBABIES
Did you see Jared Diamond in that Guns, Germs and Steel documentary where he throws together this pizza pie of a theory to explain why the West has done so well? He’s talking about how we ruined the world using germs and then he goes to some African orphanage and starts bawling his fucking eyes out. Waaaaah. Then he lets something slip that is very telling of his generation. He goes, “Germs have been a major area of study for me for the past ten years but to see the damage they can do close up is another matter.” Get it? They sit in their office and pontificate but when the real world comes calling they have a panic attack. “Wait, this is real? People really are dying? Waaaah!”

Or how about Dan Rather on David Letterman when he started talking about September 11^th and commenced to blubbering like a kindergarten bully that got punched in the nose. I’ll tell you something. I was embarrassed. The whole time he was sobbing I kept thinking, “Please don’t show this on al-Jazeera. Please don’t let them see what babies we are.” Thanks Dan. Way to keep a stiff upper lip.

HOUSES
Thanks guys. You bought them for $20,000, made sure all of you had one and then, when it was our turn to try, you all simultaneously moved the decimal place over to the left. Great. Now you all have $200,000 houses. One problem. None of us are ever going to have even close to that kind of money. Either move the decimal place back where it belongs or we are going to burn your houses to the ground.

PACKAGE VACATIONS
And they call us lazy? They can’t even handle going to another country and having to find a restaurant? “Oooh, we might get robbed. I need to stay on the compound with razor wire that keeps out the poor.” Pussies.

CLASSIC ROCK
Classic rock sucks. Even Led Zeppelin. As Nikki Six put it, “People with curly hair can’t rock and Robert Plant is no exception. They were not a great band. They took the blues and didn’t do anything with it. They just took it and repeated it.” Yeah. And don’t forget the part where Jimmy Page just stole all Bert Jansch’s riffs note for note (I’m not exaggerating).

THEY’RE ALWAYS TRYING TO BE US
All these years in marketing have taught them one unavoidable fact. You have to keep going young if you want your audience to last. “What’s hot?” is so important to them that they pay cool hunters tens of thousands of dollars a year to hear that snowboarding with sunglasses on and listening to rap is the only way to sell your product. Oh, to be a fly on the wall of some of these meetings where they sit around a big conference table and try to figure out if Everything But the Girls to Boyz to Men Without Hats is a real band. There’s nothing better than watching a rich, smug, desperate liar frantically grasping at straws as his whole life goes down the toilet.

MARKETING
What do you do when you’re dumb and lazy but you want a lot of money? What’s the perfect job for someone that is all talk and no action? It’s called marketing. A non-productive non-product where you just keep throwing shit against a wall until it sticks. Do you hate Spam? Then you hate baby boomers.

Oh and by the way boomers: Ads don’t work. Brand loyalty is a suburban myth. That’s why no-name brands are more popular than ever. The world has figured out that the emperor’s sponsors have no clothes. We ain’t buying it (literally). It’s going to be really interesting to watch this next generation with their no TV and their no bullshit shopping patterns deflate the boomer’s marketing balloon until it’s nothing but a withered old bag lying on the floor.

BOBBY McGEE JONES MCGILLICUTTY

Comments:

Subject: so right
Date: Aug 03 2007 03:29:09 AM
Author: whogivesahorseshit

So fucking right. I'm 34 and my generation accounts as the first victim of these motherfuckers: can't buy a decent house, can't have a decent job, "always two paychecks from homeless". I usually don't comment on anything -who gives a horseshit about my opinion anyway?- but this time I had to. Great writing.

Subject: nikki6? seriously?
Date: May 12 2007 11:30:32 PM
Author: crue sucked then and sucks now

i am 31 and my folks were hippies and yes-i do hate them but motley crue wtf? as far as bad TV you must remember the poor bastards only had 3 or 4 channels to watch so johnny carson killed at least 20 guys to get his job. these days we are entertained by lisping meterosexuals who only had to blow 1 producer to get a job bad mouthing fat celebrities trying to lose weight. my dad push started his 1970's plymouth station wagon for most of the 80's and could beat the hell out of any of our so called lionized celebrity heroes(minus the steroid athletes of course).

Subject: led blecchlin
Date: Feb 16 2007 01:25:18 PM
Author: balthazar

zep shoulda been good but they got money and complacent, right? they had energy live but then they grew olde, fast! and one of them couldn't control his booze, so there. they became wankers and they thought elvis was cool, volumes.

Subject: r
Date: Feb 14 2007 08:07:58 AM
Author: r

more of this shit
please

Subject: kk
Date: Feb 14 2007 02:42:52 AM
Author: jj

i hate HATE led zeppelin

this article confuses and saddens me, what are our options

Subject: asdf
Date: Feb 14 2007 12:54:43 AM
Author: asdf

Leave zeppelin alone please. Without zeppelin there would be no nikki six, there would be no ACDC, there would be early metallica, there would be no gunners, there would be no tool, there would be no rage against the machine.

Take things in context, you fucking stupid republican goons.

Subject: I Hate them too.
Date: Dec 16 2006 07:07:14 PM
Author: I agree

Yep they suck. And yes Led Zeppelin was the wrost band ever.

Subject: ahahahaha
Date: Jun 29 2006 05:48:31 AM
Author: you all so gay

you all gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay

Subject: _
Date: Apr 23 2006 10:25:40 PM
Author: _

fine that vice is bitching about their parents and saying they are the reason this worlds gone to shit but what have they ever done besides publish funny articles. i like the magazine it makes me laugh but what now. our generation is not exactly harnessing a revolution. i dont care what baby boomers did all they have to do to rebuttle this issue is mention mtv.

Subject: women
Date: Dec 16 2005 10:11:45 PM
Author: marni mcsplattenblatter

So we only count for 50 percent of the population and 0 percent of the Vice staff. Lay off the baby farm talk, its getting old. If I could make more than mcdonalds money without ten years of school I would, but its not possible. You cant just InDesign an M.D, sorry boys. That puts me out of school at 30, and then theres a little 100 000 grand debt to pay off. If you want babies from 19 year old highschool drop outs so badly, maybe Vice could sponsor a competition. Leave me alone.

Subject: .
Date: Dec 07 2005 03:22:11 PM
Author: .

sometimes i hate boomers so much i want to cry.

Subject: The Big Chill
Date: Nov 04 2005 11:10:24 PM
Author: Saucey McCheese

Don't forget the king of all Boomer bullshit nostalgia peices: "The Big Chill". Watching that movie is like being 8 years old and comming out of your bedroom at your parents desperately clinging parties and being told to do that 'funny dance' for the slutty or immodestly swank looking friends of your parents.

It's two hours or so equivalent to stuffing yourself with ritz crackers and wretched walnut covered cheese-ball spread interpolated with a glass of straight scotch and a line of coke, and endless boring chatter about nothing whatsoever of any importance.

The boomer generation should snap back and realise what miserable life-abating failures they are and self immolate, just do it somewhere where we don't have to film it, hear about it, or read a 5000 page self serving novel about it. Thanks!

Subject: Forgot to notice...
Date: Oct 29 2005 03:51:39 PM
Author: Snap

Let's clear this up right fucking now...
OK the baby boomers are globally, a bunch of slack, thieving, hypocritical cunts, but to blame all the above shit on them is a fkn obvious, but malignant answer that all you studenty sorts can latch on to (and those fashionista hoxtonite types...twats).

It's more interesting to note that the rise in these aforementioned trends coincides with America's complete (subtle) takeover of the world.

Just fuck off America. Please grow up.

On the one hand the writer is havin' a go at the BB'ers for being pontificating moaners...yet, that's all he does through the entire fkn article.

Cock Holster.

Subject: yes
Date: Oct 28 2005 07:26:03 AM
Author: ispeakforall

Im english and I agree with this article, and some of the comments ive mused over for their pointless waste of time value. Blame nearly everything on the last generation, do relativley nothing in response to whats happening. yippee

Subject: Zep
Date: Oct 22 2005 09:22:22 AM
Author: Silverbush

So glad to hear somebody finally say that Led Zeppelin sucks.
Nikki Six is a genius. Why don't you guys just put out an "Everything Sucks" issue and get it over with.

Subject: errata
Date: Oct 21 2005 05:42:15 PM
Author: spimquod

That's "breastfeeding", not "breasfeeding." Whoops.

Subject: About the babies...
Date: Oct 21 2005 05:39:28 PM
Author: spimquod

The parents of the (American) boomers may not have been quite as big on the c-section, but this is because many of them were already anesthetized and lying on their back while they pushed said baby out of said vagina.

Most of them also fed their babies formula, and many women got shots in the delivery room to make their milk dry up. (Milk to feed babies. It's why the good Lord gave us tits.)

A lot of boomers thought this was ridiculous, and started looking around for alternatives. Hence the popularity of Lamaze classes. Hence all the natural childbirth books from the '70s on my boomer mother's bookshelf. She had both me and my brother in the normal way; no c-section.

And La Leche League (a group that advocates breasfeeding and supports nursing women), which started in the late fifties, picked up a lot of steam in the '60s and '70s. My mom went. She says it was real helpful. (She nursed both her kids, both born in the '80s.)

I don't know if you can really pin the fucked-up C-section-having labor-inducing way-over-medicalized attitude towards birth on the baby boomers. It was there before they showed up, many of them thought it was shit, and it's still around.

This should not be particularly surprising.

Subject: best article ever
Date: Oct 21 2005 01:42:14 PM
Author: dale

Well except the oral sex thing. In college my tech support teacher one day screamed "OH PLEASE EVERY GENERATION THINKS THEIR MORE LIBERATED THAN THE LAST AND THAT THEY INVENTED ORAL SEX"

Subject: qwerty
Date: Oct 18 2005 10:56:40 PM
Author: ytrewq

god.

this article fucking sucks.

oh.

and "NAME CULTURE"...

yeah.

okay.

the only reason the articles don't have real names is because when gavin, shane or suroosh lob a real shit brick article like this?

they never have to own up to it, kind of like how i don't really have to own up to this comment.

by the way...

did you catch the fact that everyone knows who suroosh, shane and gavin are?

oh and did i spell suroosh wrong?

i apologize in advance if i hurt that dumb sand ñigger's feelings.

Subject: bb
Date: Oct 14 2005 12:34:09 PM
Author: pietro murphonious

"He should have stuck to birds."

HAHA

yeah, his shit is for the birds too!

Subject: Diamond
Date: Oct 13 2005 06:42:44 PM
Author: Bliss Bargel

Jared Diamond may be over 60 and his fans well below 40 (most are college students) but his "white man had an unfair advantage" dogma is the core of all boomer beliefs.
He should have stuck to birds.

Subject: totalled africa
Date: Oct 13 2005 06:37:59 PM
Author: Bliss Bargel

wait, you're misinterpreting what I'm saying. According to Diamond we totalled Africa. He says we tore that country a new ass because we had guns germs and steel. When he's in africa he talks about our guns. When he's in Mexico he talks about our germs. We never hear about Africa's germs because it's not convenient to his argument.
I don't think we totalled Africa. in fact, it makes boomers ears burn to say. I think Westerners were the best thing to ever happen to the dark continent. The only time they had any kind of order or prospertiy was when we were running the show. Without us it's colonel Butt Naked and little kids who've been brainwashed into thinking they are immune to bullets.

Subject: Bliss Bargel
Date: Oct 11 2005 03:03:59 PM
Author: I'ma germ yo ass

Um, we didn't "total" Africa, and you know this if you think about it for 2 seconds. North America, Australia, New Zealand--full of white people. Africa? Still full of natives, with European colonists a small minority. African germs were the reason African colonization went a little differently.

Dumbass.

Anyway, Jared Diamond was born in 1937 and isn't a boomer. He's the opposite of a boomer. While they were sitting around doing blow and bitching about how hard their lives were, he was wandering around New Guinea with stone-age tribesmen, studying birds.

Subject: classic rock
Date: Oct 11 2005 03:30:24 PM
Author: db

Classic Rock: "They took the blues and didn’t do anything with it. They just took it and repeated it." What? By that logic, one could say the same for Vietnam and The Black Keys, just a couple of blues-based bands that Vice has included on their compilations that come with the magazine.

Subject: cunty mcfuckhole
Date: Oct 11 2005 10:25:22 AM
Author: PETER "F'N" MURPHY BITCH

Hey asspipe, what gives coming on a message board and crying out to the world at large : "Please prove my self-indulgent, crybaby, hippy-ass, white tower intellectual idol wrong!" Are you kidding me? You don't think what I said earlier was good enough so you're just going to ignore it? Let me guess, I could tear his shitrag book to pieces (as has already been done on a more relevant thread) and you still wouldn't want to hear any of it. Just close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears, and hum loudly like the child you are. Not getting your way? Sorry, the truth hurts like that...go fuck yourself boomer!

Subject: ron is a bitch and wendyyy h is lame
Date: Oct 11 2005 07:48:26 AM
Author: lame eating shark#1

first off, this person ron sounds like he was crying over his pc while he was typing his comment. how many times do have to use the word fuck, did these people at vice make your pussy hurt? no one cares. it sounds like you are one these lame boomers that they speak of. fuck fuck(so you can understand)fuck fuck waaaaaaah.and if you're not a boomer, your life has as little meaning as wendyyy h's. hey did u know the stiff? ooooooh he could read and assist the media in diverting our attention from real issues. can you read? yes you can. i think you can try being a news reader. are these the type of people that are cool to you? dont kill yourself when everybody from 60minutes decides to croak. you people make me wish i was illiterate. ya see what happens when boomers try to be hip? they start sending comments to our magazines. fuck off

Subject: Guns, Germs and Steel
Date: Oct 10 2005 09:44:02 AM
Author: Bliss Bargel

Jared Diamond is a Momma's boy cry baby who is so determined to avoid the Bell Curve he has created this elaborate Rubix Cube of a theory that is so complex it reads like an early version of the bible.
For example, we were able to defeat the aboriginals due to germs. Okay, how come we totalled Africa then? They are the germ masters. To this day most of us get violently ill when we go there. Dr Livingston was the first white guy to go there and not die of malaria and he DID eventually die of African germs. Diamond closes his eyes everytime his cockamame theory doesn't fit the equality puzzle.
http://www.vdare.com/sailer/050724_diamond.htm
http://www.vdare.com/sailer/mexico_part3.htm
http://isteve.blogspot.com/2005/07/guns-germs-and-steel-
on-pbs.html

Subject: jesus fucking christ!
Date: Oct 09 2005 09:13:32 PM
Author: ron

fuck all yous fucking retards. the whole fucking history of blues music and all traditionally american and for that matter european and all other music is to rip each other the fuck off. some people simply do a better job of it and find ways to make the same old shit sound fucking new. JESUS! what is wrong with you stupid fucks!? just fucking get over it. FUCK! Every great blues artist ever just stole a bunch of words and music from some other guy or traded songs or put a new spin on them. it's just that some were better guitar players or singers than the other ones were. the only difference between being a musical thief and regular really good blues artist is how much people want to hate on you once you start getting famous. So everybody just shut the FUCK up. FUCK!

Subject: wake up, people
Date: Oct 09 2005 11:21:32 AM
Author: Vermilion Sandstone

hip-yoppies suck? fine. then lets see your anti-hippie line of clothing. quit parasiting their fashion and their drug humor if you hate them so much. the article reads like it was written for cheech and chong. fucking hypocrites.

Subject: not saying shit is bad, but...
Date: Oct 08 2005 02:31:05 AM
Author: Stumpcock McHobbitses

ZEPPELIN IS HOBBIT ROCK. PEEP IT.

Subject: peter murphy
Date: Oct 08 2005 02:27:38 AM
Author: Murphy McHatefuck

mr. murphy: you obvoiusly didn't read Guns, Germs, and Steel. why did you bother responding? i clearly requested a credible response. i call bullshit on you, fuck.

Subject: ew
Date: Oct 07 2005 06:31:46 PM
Author: dfg

If you'll sell me your piss for a dollar a can, I might take you up on it. PBR is cheap. Cheap=good.

I like Stella compared to other "real" Belgian beers - it's less sugary and strong. You can drink a lot of it.

Also, I like cans. So, incidentally, do all Mexicans. It keeps beer colder a lot longer than bottles, where your last few sips are warm dog piss.

Subject: PBR
Date: Oct 07 2005 01:03:30 PM
Author: PORKTAMER

If you think PBR is a good, beer, I have some urine to sell to you. Stella Artois sucks compared to REAL belgian beers.

I'm a bit skeptical regarding the extent to which glassware actually affects your perception of the flavor... but it certainly helps to cut down on wasted carbonation when you drink from a large (spherical) wine glass (as opposed to a bottle - and hey drinking from cans is disgusting and a stupid idea).

I'm 25, by the way. I am just a big fan of consumming the best recreational chemicals - anything else is a waste of money.

Subject: w
Date: Oct 07 2005 01:03:31 PM
Author: dfg

PBR is good cheap beer and Stella is good expensiveish beer. Corduroy suit jackets are fine, and Pumas are pretty good sneakers although not the best. Led Zeppelin doesn't suck. Even modern art can be fun to look at sometimes, even though it's usually pretty stupid.

Subject: mcgeorge is an idiot
Date: Oct 07 2005 08:08:20 AM
Author: PBR

hey mcgeorge you pompous fuck, pabst blue ribbon is great beer! what the hell are you drinking? stella artois out of a wine glass while you stand there contemplating some crappy piece of post modern "art"? i bet you wear suit jackets with patches on the elbows and jeans. pussy.

Subject: a-fucking-men
Date: Oct 06 2005 02:14:10 PM
Author: dfh

KISS is the worst. Ugh. Gene Simmons should've become an accountant and Paul Stanley should've become a gay accountant. "Strutter" is okay, but that's about it...

Subject: Wrong band...
Date: Oct 06 2005 11:39:50 AM
Author: Led Zep

No, no, no, no... you were talking about the wrong baby boomer band... you should be talking about Kiss, the worst band ever!!!
Led Zeppelin fucking ROCKS! Kiss is good for old baby boomers who are desperately trying to sound cool or for anyone until the age of 17, then it's time to start looking for some personality...
So what if LZ stole music from other bands? they did it, and they fucking skyrocketed with it!!! they took it to a totally new facking level!

Subject: 3=======D (_(_|
Date: Oct 06 2005 08:33:32 AM
Author: mauricio

led zeppelin sucks. they stole lyrics and songs, thats why their asses got sued.

Subject: Vice up, boomers down.
Date: Oct 06 2005 03:45:08 AM
Author: Stef

$7.8trillion in US national debt to be paid for by who?

Oh, That's right, you don't care.

Look at your war on drugs, war on crime and war on terror, you idiots.

The war on boomers will actually reduce the number of boomers, not increase it.

What? You don't think so?

Yeah, you would have no idea would you, you apathetic flare-wearing hair-factory.

Subject: screw tha crew
Date: Oct 05 2005 10:18:16 PM
Author: j cat

most motly crue people are boomers

Subject: Sisyphean...
Date: Oct 05 2005 04:10:42 PM
Author: Patrick

Now that's a nice word...

Subject: ...
Date: Oct 05 2005 06:33:24 AM
Author: Ryan

I am brand loyal.

Subject: neat
Date: Oct 05 2005 03:04:27 AM
Author: mcgeorge

From now on, everytime I want to say something shocking and hardcore, I will start with..."as Nikki Sixx says"... Nikki Sixx?? Are you fucking kidding me!? This is the guy from the Crue (I can't find umlauts on my computer) right, not the funny Greek punk who delivers your bagels from 2nd Ave., yes?

There are one bigger group of hairless vaginas than boomers, and that is you. And your friends. You've been tricked into buying Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. You have fantasy football leagues. You are wearing Puma right now. You secretly wish there was a bumbling Ross to your spunky Rachel. You have a party for the Oscars, and then silently fume when your friend makes a more snarky comment about Halle Berry's dress than you did. You can't follow the Valerie Plame case becasue you'd have to read a whole article. You have been bought and sold by Disney, and you can't do ten decent pull-ups right now, fat fuck. You will not save or change anything because you are weak. Ha, ha. I just pushed you into the sand.

Subject: yeah
Date: Oct 05 2005 12:19:16 AM
Author: dj legendary set

this sh*t brings a tear to my eye and makes me not want to blow my brains out.
sincerely thankyou.
DJLS.

Subject: Precision, please?
Date: Oct 04 2005 11:43:05 PM
Author: Yes, I hate boomers too.

According to union-busting Hormel, makers of Spam, Spam was invented in 1937. In 1940, Spammy the Pig, the Spam mascot, pitched Spam on Burns and Allen. This is not marketing?

http://media.hormel.com/templates/knowledge/knowledge.as
p?catitemid=16&id=132

Subject: So is Vice
Date: Oct 04 2005 06:14:51 PM
Author: Hutch Pkwy

Vice is Hitler too!

Subject: $200,000 Houses
Date: Oct 04 2005 05:57:03 PM
Author: Hutch Pkwy

You can't find a house in Brooklyn for under $400,000. You can get a newly built Government house for about $250,000, but they're only in the most run-down areas (Brownsville, BedStuy, Crown Heights). And you cant get one unless you earn $75K a year. Seriously.

And Vibe is Hitler!

Subject: Led Zeppelin
Date: Oct 04 2005 08:23:51 AM
Author: dr feelgood

Really, you can't use Nikki Sixx to bash Zeppelin.... ah, well, it's just music, I'm over thirty and past aggressiveness, so I'll just keep on worshipping Led Zeppelin, not getting offended and trying to find this "kill-your-parents" stuff hilarious - which it actually is, occasionally. Somehow your anger just isn't convincing enough.

Subject: what?
Date: Oct 04 2005 02:19:50 AM
Author: dead john bonham

stop hating you spoiled brats, and isnt nikki sixx a fucking boomer too, that guys a tool

Subject: LA
Date: Oct 03 2005 04:59:51 PM
Author: sdf

200,000 for a house t'aint so bad. Houses in Compton average 200,000. Compton. That's how retarded the LA housing bubble is. I can't wait for it to explode so the motherfuckers that "flip" houses here lose everything.

Subject: Agreement in Full
Date: Oct 02 2005 02:28:35 AM
Author: Elizabeth Laidlaw

Hi-larious article folks. I am truly enjoying it. Except for those comments on Led Zeppelin. As long as you just listen to them and not get too far into the fandom they can be a'ight.

Marketers can suck my balls. Same with 200,000.00 houses.

Norton the 1st Emperor of America, my one and only idol.

Subject: speaking of music that SUCKS
Date: Oct 01 2005 09:31:02 AM
Author: shmoops

The Doors.

Someone please explain to me why exactly The Doors are a band that needs remembering.

Subject: without an idiot like this Ryan guy
Date: Sep 30 2005 02:18:37 PM
Author: Life would be better

It's magazine, no? The guy who's writing it, humbly leaving his name out while making sure we all know how humble he is for doing it, thinks this writing is fucking sweet, right? Which, for the most part, it is. But the Houses guy makes a good fucking point. The humble writer went over this shit several fucking times, and he got caught being a mathematical idiot. So what. It happens. But now we all get to point and laugh, just for a couple of seconds. Those are the social skills you so rudely invoke.

Subject: Dip-shits who complain about VICE'S work
Date: Sep 30 2005 01:45:38 PM
Author: Ryan

Hey, dip-shits. Don't pick away at the work that these people do. There's some funny shit written here. Specifically to the guy all about the decimal places. I can picture it now, you're the type of guy who lives with his mom/grandmom, starring out the front window, making crude gestures towards the people walking by, knowing they can't do anything about it. Here's an idea, get a fucking life! Or, even better, get a FUCKING LIFE!!! Or maybe, you're the type who has managed to get a job, and has worked his way up to the top of the dip-shit chain by alienating all of his co-workers. So now, he spends his time searching the internet for chat rooms and sites that offer a place for your personal comments. ASSHOLE!! Just because you've lost all social skills and have no friends doesn't mean that you can pick away at the people who are, and always have been, better than you.

Subject: re: realist
Date: Sep 29 2005 07:48:20 PM
Author: tweaked

yeah... amen.

vice, you guys are fuckin' hilarious. not that you're likely reading this.

and boomers suck my ass.

but how about you prove that you're not a bunch of whiny little pussies by making a whole magazine dedicated to why *our* generation sucks so much??

everyone's retarded. old people = retarded because they think black people should have their own fountain, plus they have sex like twice a lifetime. boomers = retarded because they're a bunch of whiny hippies who act like they're better than old people when they're not. our hipster generation = retarded because we're a bunch of whiny young cynics who act like we're better than hippies when we're not. and apparently idolizing old people? when the fuck did that start?

its a touching sentiment after a few rails and a half-case and maybe kinda true but you're talking out your asses all the same.

ps, i guess you do make fun of our generation pretty much all the time. but we didn't get our own issue.

Subject: Bert Jansch?
Date: Sep 29 2005 07:38:45 PM
Author: Jimmy Page

Bert Jansch?
no fucking way.
I'mma kill your parents, you goddamn sack.

hail satan!

Subject: jennings
Date: Sep 29 2005 06:26:52 PM
Author: wendyyy h

fuck you peter jennings was the shit

Subject: thanks
Date: Sep 29 2005 05:54:29 PM
Author: tom

I hate classic rock, always have.

Subject: Wow
Date: Sep 29 2005 05:42:14 PM
Author: HAHA

Dear Classic Rock Sucks,

I'm glad you hate Led Zepplin. Thank you for telling me.

Sincerely, Constantly Amazed

Subject: HOUSES
Date: Sep 29 2005 04:04:28 PM
Author: math and directions

If they moved the decimal to the left the houses would cost $2000.00 not $200,000.00, you make the "L" with your left hand, right is the direction you are writing.

Subject: Better read the book
Date: Sep 29 2005 02:42:55 PM
Author: Jarret

Jared Diamond may be a crybaby, and maybe the TV show sucked (didn't see it), but he knows what the fuck he's talking about.

Subject: fuck off about pbr
Date: Sep 29 2005 02:38:24 PM
Author: p2

leave pbr out of your goddamned hipster quarrels, bitches better reckonize...shit.

was that good? youtellme.you got all the rest of the shit figgerd out dontcha?

it amazes methat after all our attempts to brainwash you little runts you still figure out that liberals are fucking scum.
great job, great mag.
fuck ny and all the rest of you east coast assholes. sonic youth...riiiiight.

Subject: come on!
Date: Sep 29 2005 11:54:49 AM
Author: sdf

Led Zeppelin was fucking great even though Robert Plant was annoying and obsessed with hobbits and Mordor. And they ripped off old blues men? Better get rid of all popular music post, say, 1948. Besides, Bonham was the kickassinest rock drummer, ever, period.

Subject: smarty retardy
Date: Sep 29 2005 09:44:36 AM
Author: peter murphy

Are you fucking kidding? That Guns, Germs,...show was the biggest crock of liberal whitebread bullshit I've ever heard! He began his whole argument by saying the people of Western Europe had better farmland than anyone else; hence they had a headstart on everything. HUH?! Life's big lottery went to the anglos? Diamond's theories are so shot through with logical fallacies they aren't worth the fucking paper they get written on! I'm still reeling in shock that ANYONE thought this whiny wankfest was anything except funny.

Subject: Jared Diamond
Date: Sep 29 2005 05:20:23 AM
Author: Smarty McFuckpants

How about providing an actual argument against Diamond's Guns, Germs, and Steel claims? And a good one; none of this, "Diamond must be wrong because we know the darkies are to blame," bullshit I keep reading. A thought-out argument.

Subject: motley wha?
Date: Sep 29 2005 01:16:35 AM
Author: josef2012

motley crue is like the real world spinal tap version of led zeppelin.putting aside the behind-the-music drama,musically zeppelin had way more sheer brutal muscle,breadth of range,and depth of style.period.next.

Subject: classic rock sucks
Date: Sep 28 2005 02:54:25 PM
Author: -

yeah people really need to get over led zeppelin. i hate them.

Subject: yep
Date: Sep 28 2005 02:19:52 PM
Author: m@

...yeah, and fuck world war 2 for making americans want to fuck like rabbits in the first place. we ain't gonna be popping them out after operation iraqi bullshit.

Subject: Marketing
Date: Sep 28 2005 12:00:09 PM
Author: Realist

This is an extremely naieve viewpoint:

Oh and by the way boomers: Ads don’t work. Brand loyalty is a suburban myth. That’s why no-name brands are more popular than ever. The world has figured out that the emperor’s sponsors have no clothes. We ain’t buying it (literally).

No, you are buying it and you will continue to buy it as sure as there's an American Apparel ad on your website. Are we to believe that in the last couple years the American twenty-somethings have wised up to labels and so no one buys ipods, pbr, coke, or freaking diesel jeans. Just because 10 of your friends on the lower east side love to pontificate about "labels, man" doesn't remotely mean that they've even been slightly damaged. Leave that one bar you go to (the one with pbr, high life, and lone star - brands of beer) and check out the rest of the developed world. Then tell us this crap.

Subject: agreed
Date: Sep 28 2005 11:41:08 AM
Author: malcara

Yeah, fuck Dan Rather!