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 Photo by Chris Nieratko   Ass Watcher 3 Fusxion.com Dir: Pat Myne Rating: 6 There are exactly 28 10" x 10" square tiles leading from the entrance of the men’s locker room at my gym to the bathroom. After that there are 19 2" x 2" tiles until you get to the urinals; 14 if the “big guy” ones are taken and you have to use the mini-pisser. I know these numbers to be accurate because I count them two to four times every morning because looking down at the them is the only place I can set my eyes where I won’t have any chance of seeing a naked man. I’ve tried everything else short of keeping my eyes closed entirely, but I fear if I tried that I might walk right into someone’s dick. I don’t understand why everyone in my locker room insists on walking around naked. Is this a common thing at all gyms? My gym is by no means overrun with hard-bodies, no, I work out with the elderly, the obese, the unsightly, the unshaven. These people are real fucking ugly when they are clothed; butt-naked they are utterly repulsive. Yet they saunter around in their birthday suits like they are Adonis, subjecting me to quick glances of their 80-year-old cocktail franks at seven in the morning, every morning. Have you ever seen gray pubes? So gross. Like I said, I try to avoid having to see it; I’ve tried looking toward the wall, but the wall is lined with mirrors forcing me to still look at old dick. I’ve tried to open a locker on my left and my right as I change to act as blinders but when I shut the door there’s a 350-pound naked dude standing right there asking, “How’s it going?” Fucking shitty, fatass. Put some clothes on. That’s another thing: Why do people want to talk to me? I don’t have a friendly face, why ask me how I’ve been? You don’t know me. Just leave me alone and let me get out of there. Maybe if everyone kept their goddamn clothes on I wouldn’t mind the small talk. But these people have no shame. The other day I’m walking toward my locker, which is way in the back row away from everyone else, and I overhear, “Oh yeah, that’s a safe bet. I’ve had my money in mutuals for years. No worries.” I turn the corner and there are two bare-ass scumbags, save for some Adidas flip-flops, chatting it up about investment strategy. How is it possible, I’d like to know, to carry on any sort of dialogue with some guy’s limp Johnson within a foot of your own? The best is they’ve got this contraption that dries your swim trunks in five seconds. Just throw them in there, shut the top, and, BAM, all dry. But it never fails—every morning I walk into the locker room and see some asshole drying his shorts without a stitch of clothing on and a towel draped over his shoulder. Over their shoulder! It’s not like he doesn’t own a towel or he forgot his towel or he is too poor to buy a towel, no, he’s got a towel right there on his shoulder! But he refuses to use it. Doesn’t he feel that breeze on his balls? Why not wrap the goddamn towel around his waist? Please! For fuck’s sake! I feel like I see more dicks in a week than any of these porn sluts and I really can’t take it any more. CHRIS NIERATKO For more Chris Nieratko go to NJSkateshop.com |
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Comments:
Subject: balls Date: Nov 11 2005 11:05:00 PM Author: Andre sometimes it seems like Vice is so popular because people like to feel that they're better than Vice magazine and all the people involved. Subject: stating the obvious, once again. Date: Nov 11 2005 03:44:09 PM Author: A Lady Because he obviously IS a homophobe. That's the problem with VICE and it's sympathizers. This mag is run by and contributed to by the some of the most hateful young people I've ever seen, and every time you point that out they get soooo defensive. Defensive so much that about a year ago, there was always at leaste one article mentioning their hatefulness and why they're cool for being hateful. Because hating people and using racial slurs and being fatphobic and misogynist is sooooo fucking punk. They're more punk than real punks because they HATE punks! But they hang out at ABC No Rio, you know. Subject: boo Date: Oct 17 2005 02:16:03 AM Author: joe Why does a disdain for wrinkly old man balls suddenly make this man a homophobe? Just enjoy the hilarity of his writing rather than lead a pro-gay crusade right here on the Vice message boards. Subject: Fuck the gym Date: Sep 21 2005 12:52:07 AM Author: Y3 Excuse me, stay the fuck out of the gym, and your problems are over. Think of all the money you'll save also. Funny story though. Subject: The Pic Date: Sep 14 2005 01:08:32 PM Author: SenseTalker I find that flabby tattooed ass in the picture nastier than what I see in the gym locker room. Looks like a big festering Hepatitis balloon which just shoots out a monster multiracial cum load when you pop it with a pin...No? Subject: truth is Date: Sep 14 2005 01:23:44 AM Author: the chris is an uptight neo-conservative protestant. probably closet gay as well. Subject: you people Date: Sep 12 2005 11:32:55 AM Author: clearly people who do not know about the naked old guys have clearly never been to the gym and seen them in person. it's all well and good to be all noble and defend the honor of the old men's red penis but obviously you have no idea what you are talking about. apparently you love looking at old naked guys which is great if you're into that. come to my gym and get an eyeful if you're so fucking cool that looking at old dicks is fun for you. Subject: yo homie (balls) Date: Sep 09 2005 12:28:32 PM Author: Mark Ryden chris n.i.g.g.e.r.t.a.c.o does it again! Subject: get over it Date: Sep 08 2005 01:47:26 AM Author: swing low Maybe the old nude dudes aren't all "ohmygod it's a guy's doodad! eeewww, run for the hills or someone might think i'm gay" hungup bodyphobic immature dickweeds. Ever think of that? Subject: naked gym... Date: Sep 05 2005 01:54:21 PM Author: Nemo There's was guy at the gym I used to go to that was always naked and hung like some kind of sideshow freak. When that guy was around, everyone, even the naked old dudes wore towels. Funny how that works, huh? Subject: You have problems Date: Aug 31 2005 12:53:13 PM Author: Mr Happy Boy if you can't take a daily shower with your damn grandfather. What the fuck is wrong with you? It's just an old man's penis: grow up! Sheesh. Just pray that you have the wherewithal to work out when you're Jerry Stiller's age! You'll be too conflicted to rock your dick out, though. You'll be all whimpering and trying to hike your fucking beige hiking shorts over a wet towel. The future belongs to old man cock. Doubt me? Subject: Balloon Scrotum Date: Aug 30 2005 03:40:01 PM Author: Ryan Schumacher When I shave after I work out, I rest my donkey stick on the counter and pull my scrotum between my legs so that you can see a deformed nut sack poking out from behind. You should see what ball sack hair folicles look like up close. Subject: My girlfriend told me so it must be true Date: Aug 30 2005 03:05:59 PM Author: PDL My girlfriend said that woman are worse, they stare at you and check your tits out and look at your ass when you walk by. Subject: " i think the author is closeted" Date: Aug 28 2005 05:00:58 PM Author: d chez i like how theres always some fag-got that decides youre the one with the problem cuz youd rather not be around naked men. yeah that makes sense, its the guy who likes being naked in a locker room full of exposed scrotums that has his shit together.and the straight guy that isnt interested in eyeballing man-ass all day is the one throwing up red flags. div, youre a fucking idiot Subject: open wide Date: Aug 28 2005 04:46:05 PM Author: flaming fuck i would suck your dick in a heartbeat Subject: locker room Date: Aug 27 2005 07:42:24 PM Author: div i think the author is closeted Subject: pron Date: Aug 27 2005 01:28:21 AM Author: gay pon you should have more gay porn reviews Subject: the breeze Date: Aug 26 2005 03:34:07 PM Author: wtf So the author doesn't like breeze on his balls? Did you ever get out of the shower in the summer when it's hot as hell, drop the towel, sit in front of a fan and just chill. That's refreshment. Subject: at the gym Date: Aug 26 2005 01:26:12 PM Author: Girlfriend T My friend tells me that what's even worse than the fat dudes or the freaks, are the gym bunnies and their need to flaunt everything at all times, like anyone gives a shit. They strut around with their gear bobbing around for all to see and for all (in their minds anyway) to envy. And apparently the obsession with men shaving everything off like a Sphinx cat is more prevalent than ever in the change rooms. Ugh. Subject: get over it Date: Aug 26 2005 12:55:25 PM Author: Me Jesus christ - grow the fuck up. If you spend time in a men's locker room your going to see some bare naked dicks. some are going to be wrinkled and covered with gray pubes. It's a locker room. If somebody tries to fuck you up the ass, then there might be grounds for a legitimate gripe. Other than that, shut up. Besides, what kind of pussy gym are you going to that dries your shorts for you? Sounds like the typical clientele isn't exactly homeless. If the fact that not everyone has smooth cocks and finely manicured, black ball hair offends you, grow some balls of your own and start lifting stolen manhole covers out in the street like a fucking man. Subject: old rumpled ass Date: Aug 26 2005 10:10:05 AM Author: scott Jerry Stiller (Frank Costanza) used to be a member of my gym. I'd see his naked rumply ass every morning. He'd keep to himself, but was always naked in the locker room. It was rough. His locker was right by mine. Sometimes he'd talk for extended periods on the payphone naked. Wouldn't wearing boxers or a towel be more comfortable? He was far from the worst, though. There was a guy with some sort of skin condtion that left weeping scabs all over his body who'd sit bare-assed on the vinyl stools. Oof. And there were other guys who'd linger by the shower stalls. Just, literally, hang out, one foot resting on a bench, making eye contact with everyone. WTF? Subject: gym Date: Aug 25 2005 09:58:01 PM Author: r no fuckin shit this shit is so true , all i need to do is wash my fucking hands (so i don't get a cold every week), however 24 hr fitness decided to make a labryinth for me to go through with old naked guys balls as obstacles for me wtf. i think these old guys are the same kind of people who say something in a public pisser when there is a stall avail and i don't want to use the stand up pisser right next to them. old people are weird. Subject: nude men Date: Aug 25 2005 02:15:00 PM Author: jerome it's better to just let it all out for a minute while you get your clothes ready. If you try to tango with the towel on you can't dry off properly either. Subject: old dudes Date: Aug 25 2005 01:09:59 PM Author: ed old dudes are ridiculous about walking around naked. I heard two old guys in the shower at my gym talking about how the younger guys aren't into being naked around them anymore. and I was like, "it's because you guys are DUDES." it's not like you have to protect your junk from sight at all times, but the locker room is not fucking nude camp. there really is a happy medium where you are not drying yourself with a leg up on the bench so everyone can get a good look at your balls and you are not trying to put your clothes on through a towel so nobody sees anything. I know nobody at my gym or here gives a fuck, but I needed to vent a little. Subject: gym nudity Date: Aug 24 2005 09:02:09 AM Author: nic but in my gym, also made up of the loose and the flabby, dudes wrap their towels around their waist and then try and get dressed. people are putting on their shorts and then their pants with a towel wrapped tightly around them. that's tricky, and they're wobbling around and holding the towel up with their elbows while their hands clutch at their pants. what the fuck? they'd rather fall over on the nasty locker room floor than let someone see their ass, in fact, they'd rather fall over on the nasty locker room floor than let someone see them in their shorts or y-fronts. that's mad. are they all deformed or all sporting hard-ons from big ukranians at the free weights? naked has got to be better than grown men getting dressed like 13 year old girls at the beach. |
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