Last year we did an article called “All Cats Must Die” where we warned cat owners that their pets’ insatiable appetite for birds was about to cause an animal-nerd war. It made girls who work at hipster video stores scream at our employees about “animal cruelty” but we were right. In the past year bird lovers have declared war on cats and things have gotten so out of control you have bills like the “Wisconsin Cat Proposal” begging people to “stop the slaughter.”

What a bunch of fucking idiots cat owners are. They pretend they love animals as they conduct their twisted, Mengele experiments, breeding the traits they like the best and making a synthetic environment of scratching posts and kitty-litter boxes. There’s no denying how much shit they suck, but you know who’s even worse than those mentally-ill losers who inhale ounce upon ounce of feline fecal matter all day? Dog owners. What is it with you arrogant assholes?

For the record, we’re not talking about those farmers in the country that say good-bye to their dog in the morning as it disappears off into the bush and greet it at the end of the day with a bowl of food and the patience to remove porcupine quills from its nose (“What did you get into today, you silly?”). These guys are taking a natural situation and giving it more food. And we’re not talking about some girl in a bad neighborhood that can’t walk down her own street without getting raped. Leave her alone. She got raped. She can have a pet lion for all we care. Oh, and we don’t mean those lonely seniors that want to spend their last few days with something other than The Price Is Right. What we’re talking about is those fucking idiots that have convinced themselves that, with enough love and affection, having a dog in the city is OK. They’re the majority of dog owners anyway.

If you research this you will find a lot of big city vets telling you about mangy mutts running loose on rural roads and getting run over by rednecks in gigantic pick-up trucks. They will tell you that even rural vets encourage urban adoption because at least the dog will get its proper shots and be kept out of danger, etc. etc. yadda yadda yadda. All bullshit. You can’t get the truth about city dogs because the people giving the information are city dog owners. The whole topic is so drenched in agenda even the liars don’t know what’s going on. To admit keeping dogs in the city is wrong is to admit they are wrong and that is something doctors simply will not do. They are all about the “greater good” and what is actually going on is secondary.

You get the same kind of propaganda at the pound. They’ll tell you how city dogs are some of the happiest dogs around and nobody in their right mind would say it was cruel to adopt and please adopt this dog and so on and so on. Of course they’re going to say that. 100 percent of their customers are city dwellers looking to move these pathetic mutts from tiny cages to bigger cages called “apartments.” The mentality at the pound is, “That which doesn’t kill dogs makes us stronger.” OK, let’s try this experiment: What if two equally eager and qualified people came to the city pound and asked for a puppy but one lived in SoHo and the other lived upstate on a farm? Where would the pound want the dog to go? To the city? Yeah right. They would throw that dog to the farmer so fast he’d get a boner in his face.

Everyone knows dogs are better off in the country. Sure this dog right here, right now, that’s rotting in a cage would be better off in your apartment but can we step back and look at the long-term big picture please? Adopting that dog isn’t going to do anything to the population of urban strays. Who are you, Angelina Jolie? You can adopt orphans all you want. There’s still more next year. “So what are we supposed to do, let them rot in the pound?” In a word, yes. If there’s no home for them in the country, there’s no home for them on earth. You can pretend things are normal all you want, but at the end of the day you’re just a selfish fuck that can’t resist dominating nature and forcing it to live with you. And by “you” I’m talking about seven basic types.

THE LONELY BASTARD DOG OWNER
When it comes to adults, this is the primary reason people in the city get a dog. Urban life can be cruel, and why shouldn’t there be a happy face excited to see you when you get home?

I’ll tell you why. You know why dogs go and fetch? Because they have been bred to seek approval in the form of a human voice. That means you lonely people are excited that something bred to like you likes you. Well done. Why don’t you just beat off to CGI porn that goes “I love you {fill in name}”? Go to the dog run and meet more lonely people, you sad bastard. Now you two can be lonely together.

THE KID SUBSTITUTE DOG OWNER
A close relative of the Lonely Bastard is the Kid Substitute owner. Sometimes it comes from a couple wherein one of them is infertile. Sometimes it comes from one of those environmentalist-hippy-type couples that say the world is overpopulated and “we don’t need any more humans.” They also like to say things like, “Shit, I can barely take care of myself” and, “I’m too selfish to have kids.” After a few years of telling the dog, “Mummy’s home!” and “Daddy’s mad at you, isn’t he?” these types inevitably realize something’s wrong and, at the low-ovary age of 35, scramble through fertility packages trying to turn back time.

THE ME ME ME DOG OWNER
You’ll notice dog owners talk about their dogs a lot. That is because they see it as a Trojan horse way of talking about themselves. Sort of like that dumb cunt that just got a new tattoo on her arm and bores the shit out of you with its various meanings. City dog owners see their dogs as extensions of their personalities and can’t wait to tell you all about “me”—guilt-free.

THE TINY DOG OWNER
Tiny dog owners think they have a Get Out of Jail Free card because the dog is so small their apartment is basically a gigantic kingdom. True, tiny dogs aren’t as cramped as say, a sheepdog, but what did you have to do to get it that way? All dogs come from one animal—the wolf. Look at your tiny dog right now and imagine the sick kind of shit they had to do to get a wolf to look like that. What would they have to do to you to make you that fucked-up looking?

Take pugs, for example. We have bred their faces to be so flat they can’t even close their mouths properly. Breeding flat faces also means oversize tongues, tiny nostrils, and a tiny trachea. Your dog cannot fucking breathe, you asshole! It usually gets so bad with these little freaks that vets have to operate on them just so they can get some fucking air in there.

Bulldogs are even worse off. We’ve bred their heads so fucking big their mothers can’t push them out. Nobody ever thought of this but you can’t make a dog’s head bigger without proportionately increasing the size of the birth canal. Now we have to give bulldogs C-sections if we don’t want them to explode puppies out of their stomachs like in Alien.

THE BIG DOG OWNER
Same thing goes with the big dog owners. In big cities big dogs blow poor peoples’ minds because they make them think, “Shit, those tanned Europeans must have a huge apartment to have such big dogs.” Not necessarily. Big dogs don’t need a lot of space because they are even more fucked-up than little dogs.

People that are over seven feet tall don’t need big apartments either. Know why? They’re dying! It is so hard to maneuver that big awkward frame that even a few steps forward becomes a huge chore. Most giants would prefer to sit in a chair and just peacefully die. How’s that for a status symbol?

Now, you can take these oversize monsters to the country if you want to rescue them, but I’m afraid it’s too late. If you take a greyhound to a farm you will have to build a wall of barbed wire around the property because these dogs have no clue where the fuck they are. They have had the homing pigeon sense of “my territory” bred out of them. Even if you do manage to keep them on your property, the things are such inbred freaks of nature they are going to be paralyzed with knee and hip problems in a few years anyway.

THE PUREBRED DOG OWNER
Are you grasping this yet? Dogs are meant to be mutts that run through the country going on adventures. If you want to get involved throw them a bone—literally—and then leave them alone. Can you not resist the instinct to manipulate them into a world that’s convenient for you? At least hunters let their prey have natural environments.

Breeding equals pure-breeding equals inbreeding and nature has plenty of ways to tell you she does not approve of inbreeding.

For example, right now it’s popular to have really proud-looking German Shepherds with flat back feet and a really arched back (read: racial supremacists). Breeders should do genetic testing and make sure this trend doesn’t do the dog any damage, but that would take time and money, and when you work at a freak farm you aren’t really worried about long-term damage. The result: a really beautiful and regal-looking dog that is dying of hip dysplasia.

THE WORST OFFENDER DOG OWNER
So then you say, “Don’t worry. I don’t approve of pure-breeding either. I’ve got a mutt and I got it from the pound. We even have a little backyard!” Congratulations, you are worse than everyone else here. Mutts are the most natural dogs and therefore have the most trouble in unnatural environments. If you have an energetic dog that has any border collie in him, for example, you might notice he keeps tearing your place to shreds and even in the backyard he’s obsessively running in cirlces. That’s because he is stressed out and going nuts.

If you think your dog is so happy at home why does he practically shit himself when you say the word “park”? Why did you have to stop even spelling the word p-a-r-k because, in his fanatic desperation to get out, he even figured that out? I’ll tell you why, because no matter what some lonely self-centered city-dwelling dog expert tells you, dogs are not made for the city. Look at their fucking paws. They’re made for forests, not concrete. They’re not hooves. Their feet get cut up on the street the same way yours would. Only you’d have the ability to reach in and remove the salt chunks that are wedged in there irritating your open sores.

So you put boots on him and you walk around putting his shit in little plastic bags and you take him to the park every day and watch him run around in circles and you hug him and kiss him on the lips. OK now go look in the mirror. Can you believe what a fucking loser you are? Fuck you.

GAVIN McINNES