God Of War
Genre: Fantasy Fighting
Developer: Sony
Platform: PS2 Exclusive

Considering the dictionary definition of the word “fantasy” is: “imagination unrestricted by reality”, isn’t it depressing how most “fantasy” games are the most unimaginative and restricted pieces of poo-poo and pee-pee in the universe? The developers are liars and thieves who leech pocket money off little children and their poor parents. Then they spend their ill-gotten gains on huge, dark coloured hard drives and webcams so they can spend all day online laughing along with each other and jerking off about how much they’ve exploited innocent youngsters. Keyboards all crusty with semen, they wear smoked glasses, black jeans and huge keyrings on their belts so they can feel them bouncing up and down on their greasy little grey penises as they walk down the street to buy pies made out of the meat of endangered species.

Usually if the cover artwork to your game involves ancient statues, swords or old wizards with big rings that have laser beams coming out of them, the action usually revolves around traipsing endlessly around a gay computerised countryside finding keys and flagons of ale while constantly having to deal with two minute fucking dialogue scenes with bearded dwarves where they give you coded references to finding the next fucking Dragon’s Glade. Why don’t they just make an ultra-violent version of Clash Of The Titans but with tits, death, Medusas and huge fucking monsters that you can stab in the eyes and make jets of crimson spurt from their gaping wounds, covering your battlesword in foul-smelling gore.

Oh, wait, that’s exactly what this game is. Wow. Thirty seconds in and there were huge fucking dragons bursting out of the sea and trying to bite my head off while I was trying to stab it in the eyeball!! Your foes are like the “Greatest Hits of the Greek Myths”, i.e. Hydra, Gorgons, Minotaurs, Harpies, and the battle actions all take place at super-fast arcade pace. Your character has these great-looking, easy-to-achieve special moves that make you feel a big man (which is always a HUGE factor for me when it comes to computer games). For once, the storyline actually ADDS to the action, being like Conan The Barbarian vs Clash Of The Titans vs Jason & The Argonauts.

The bits with talking to blacksmiths before you get the key to the tavern which unlocks the waterfall next to the fairy village which has been frozen in time by an evil cobbler are conspicuous by their absence.



Fantastic Four
Genre: Movie game
Developer: Activision
Platform: PS2, Xbox, Gamecube, PC

For once, a movie adaptation game that’s EVEN BETTER than the film they made it after. Sure, there’s the same crappy effects, boring gay storyline and repetitive, predictable action only the brain-damaged toddlers amongst you will get excited about, but with this one you don’t have to spend £26 on popcorn, nachos and M&Ms to go along with it. With the game version of the Fantastic Four you can turn it off whenever you want. Then you can smash it into a million pieces before putting it in an Aldi bag which you then piss and puke into. A couple of hours later, you can feed the whole stinking package to a big ugly rat with leprosy of the anus so it can be shat out two days later as poison in the depths of the foulest sewer in the city.



Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction
Genre: Movie Game
Developer: Vivendi
Platform: PS2, Xbox, Gamecube

This is better than the Fantastic Four game but it’s still not that good. There’s too many loading screens, the action is annoying and the “tasks” you have to complete had me hankering for the days when I was three seconds old, still covered in placenta and unable to form any thoughts apart from “it’s too bright”.

SYRUP DAVIES