1 winner & 1,000 losers
Wow, were we ever unprepared for the fag-alanche of attempted porno copy and disconcertingly aggressive sputtering that we received in response to the “Write some DOs & DON’Ts Captions” contest. The winner was Moshe Amundson of Oakland, CA, but nobody else came remotely close. They all just said, DO: I want to fuck her. DON’T: nice boner you idiot. And here’s a bunch more of the most disturbing ones—perhaps our most effective Not Fit to Print section yet. Keep in mind these people were so proud of their entries they wrote them out, folded them up, put them in an envelope, and walked to a post-office box.

Girl
Do me. Please. Thanks.
CANDRA NEWSHAM
San Francisco, CA

Hey you, ya you! Look at me I’m perfect I have perfect legs, a perfect waist, Look at these perfect B cup titties… My face & hair are absolutely fab… You don’t even rate. I don’t even need clothes… You’re just a bunch of fags, now get the fuck out of here If you so much as touch yourself, I’ll Finger fuck myself…
RONALD BANDAR
San Francisco, CA

Look at this cunt sneeze. She looks like the type of bitch that would laugh at you if you tried to buy her a drink. She stands by the washer & dryer even though she’s never done her own laundry. The sad thing is you know her perfect ensemble just got sent to the cleaners.
MARTY M.
Brooklyn, NY

Oh, how fucking hot is this? Sometimes wearing clothes is a bad thing, especially where you’re snorting coke and washing your rich boyfriends’ sheets. What’s that? Yeah babe, whatever—I really don’t fucking care.
DAVE TOMPKINS
San Francisco, CA

OK—well this girl is a total fuckin pornstar. Seriously guys she’s the one who obviously can’t stand this enormous black dick up her, but then she goes, “come on my brace!” and the guy fuckin does! Well, maybe it’s not her but she still reminds me of the fact that I haven’t been laid in like foreves.
ANDREW JOHNSTON
Location withheld

After walking around Bedford Ave. all day, I got back to my gentrified building, tossed off my model girlfriend’s red dress, pushed aside her black panties, and came all over everything. I got on my computer to play some online role-playing game while she immediately did the laundry to wash all the cum off. I’m drinking an Amstel Light and now she’s about to listen to me dick around on the guitar. Fuck that, whatever this picture is trying to sell me can go fuck itself.
MICHAEL FERRELL
Brooklyn, NY

Guy
Don’t ever do this again. Ever. Thanks.
CANDRA NEWSHAM
San Francisco, CA

Hey, Dad. I’ll help you get coins for cans, just ask.
J. GREY
New York, NY

This guy proves my point. He just thought about raping some short middle-aged Mexican woman who collects cans on the street. In the process, he’s starting a hard-on revolution that says, “Boys, get up from your desks and walk to the fucking chalkboard with your head held high. At least the chubby slutty girl in class will give you head in her parents’ bed after school.” Now that’s a scenario I can get behind.
MICHAEL FERRELL
Brooklyn, NY

What are you staring at? No seriously, it’s not polite to stare. Just because I’m homeless and my life is comparable to a shit stain, doesn’t mean, OH SICK, you just puked on my feet! Look, fuck you, you can suck my dick.
TROY NELSON
Seattle, WA

This guy is a greedy bitch. This fake bum sports around exposing his beer gut and penis, that seems like it wants to escape from the dungeons of despair. Just what we need, geezers like this taking from the less unfortunate.
JESSICA WYNN
Atlanta, GA

What the?
GLEN OBERIDGE
London, UK