Viceland - SPECIAL DOS & DON'TS COMPETITION

Are you funny? You’re not? OK, then just be really, really brutally honest about how these two pictures make you feel and it will probably come out funny. That’s right, all you have to do to win this amazing competition (and all the great prizes that come with it—including fame) is write any kind of amusing captions below these two pictures and mail the whole page to Vice Magazine DOs & DON’Ts Competition, 77 Leonard Street, London, EC2A 4QS. If you’re too lazy to do that you can always email your comments to info@viceuk.com. Note: We will be posting these on Viceland but we won’t be counting them in the competition because that’s no fun.

Comments:

Subject: smifjukw
Date: Oct 18 2007 04:54:23 AM
Author: smifjukw

vlys3s <a href="http://nztagmpraldc.com/">nztagmpraldc<
;/a>,
[url=http://oremtofflglt.com/]oremtofflglt[/url], [link=http://rxnxepucvpzw.com/]rxnxepucvpzw[/link], http://cnpywgftcpcx.com/

Subject: dcdxujixkbf
Date: Oct 18 2007 04:54:22 AM
Author: dcdxujixkbf

cKVS8i <a href="http://lowbfwosnagu.com/">lowbfwosnagu<
;/a>,
[url=http://hwcmhovgdqlr.com/]hwcmhovgdqlr[/url], [link=http://hqopzzfjpcbp.com/]hqopzzfjpcbp[/link], http://cpzfrkcwcgea.com/

Subject: vywvhrnk
Date: Oct 12 2007 06:15:40 AM
Author: vywvhrnk

g1jgVG <a href="http://mujbspguxsrn.com/">mujbspguxsrn<
;/a>,
[url=http://vtghckyzghba.com/]vtghckyzghba[/url], [link=http://wnayfhqrnlqn.com/]wnayfhqrnlqn[/link], http://nlqujkxcrtol.com/

Subject: covrmg
Date: Oct 12 2007 03:03:00 AM
Author: covrmg

Py5PWN <a href="http://limumqxsdplp.com/">limumqxsdplp<
;/a>,
[url=http://axndwzclhydb.com/]axndwzclhydb[/url], [link=http://ivyhtdtenhwn.com/]ivyhtdtenhwn[/link], http://fpqhnzndvwbu.com/

Subject: oh my.
Date: May 11 2007 07:21:29 PM
Author: ii

oh my! put em together, it's like they want to make a baby, way their genitals are pointed towards each other.

Subject: Human?
Date: Dec 18 2005 06:03:00 AM
Author: cyberchump

It looks like some kind of Levis ad wet dream, but for men. This is the bit where she's just got off by sitting on top of the washing machine during its ˜extra spin" cycle. Either that or she is going to plug her self in and turn into an Austin Powers pussy robot complete with machine guns for tits. Come on, they're just too pert..

Subject: do
Date: Nov 14 2005 04:57:59 AM
Author: nerner

haha, genitals!

Subject: retards
Date: Sep 19 2005 09:05:05 PM
Author: fuck

yeah, great, you all want to fuck her. not funny.

Subject: girl
Date: Sep 18 2005 02:26:44 PM
Author: pels

Is this her?
http://cgi.ebay.com/VINTAGE-DAVID-LYNCH-BLUE-VELVET-PUNK
-ROCK-T-SHIRT-EMO-S_W0QQitemZ8334644730QQcategoryZ28022QQrdZ
1QQcmdZViewItem

Subject: fotos
Date: Sep 10 2005 06:35:28 PM
Author: j.

Got-damn those are some perfect tits! She's got the overgrown debra harry inspired tips, sexy oarnge pumps, and aviators goin on. True, it looks like she's got a rat's tail hanging out of her cootch, but damn, she's a babe.

Looks like old blue was collecting cans in the laundramat where this chick was finishing up her load.

Subject: .
Date: Sep 09 2005 12:47:31 AM
Author: Habanera

Oh my, it seems I've shrunken my breasts on the hot cycle yet again.

Subject: a nice couple
Date: Aug 24 2005 06:38:56 AM
Author: joe

Fix them up (not as in a blanket and hot soup and an std test) I mean they would probably get on pretty well.

Subject: assholes
Date: Aug 22 2005 12:47:21 PM
Author: bum fucker

on a scale of 1 to sexy, ill give her a monica lewinsky

Subject: them above.
Date: Aug 11 2005 10:03:35 AM
Author: willyfany

paris hilton; shes going to have sex soon , and the guy will hopefully be fowl looking but her shades will cover up his hideous face.
is what that picture says to me. also, she washes just enough too smell good. Id like her if she was my friend, but meeting her for the first time would just be a wank in the toilets.

the bum; is how i wish my dad was in his 'wild' years. hes claims to never have bought a piece of clothing, and has bizarre but so right louisiana views on everything.
i like his cock silhouette. he washes much more than she does. he would (i wont deny it)...have a better chance with her than i would.

Subject: that girl
Date: Aug 10 2005 04:29:44 AM
Author: Luke

i bet that girl has a rats tail hanging out of her vag because shes a whore... so got desperate and put a rat up there... ew what a disgusting thought...

Subject: yeah
Date: Aug 01 2005 11:26:46 PM
Author: kari

that girl obviously put that picture up HERSELF, to read about how hot she is. well it looks like she has a tampon string hanging out her vag.

Subject: stop attempting
Date: Aug 01 2005 02:30:51 PM
Author: phil

the attempts at do's and don'ts are even worse than vice's, which is pretty fucking bad. on average vice is reduced to calling something fag 4 out of 5 times. 4 out of 5 times you chumps have made aviator cracks. tisk tisk.

Subject: the chick
Date: Jul 31 2005 06:01:21 PM
Author: wax

this chick is so hot it hurts. i might cut her picture out and have it on my wall. damn...

Subject: dude
Date: Jul 27 2005 08:59:32 AM
Author: enrico

Man that "Rubber johnny" was some seriously arousing shit. My dick's been swollen for a week and all i can think about is getting my hands on a nice juicy tumour and just pound it silly...

Subject: ...
Date: Jul 27 2005 01:41:42 AM
Author: Castro

Bird: i would love to fuck that bird even if she's up on blocks... but the bitch ain't in London coz she has a separate washer and dryer!

Dude: Nice cock! shame about the rest...

Subject: do
Date: Jul 26 2005 09:55:43 PM
Author: blenderfrog

Damn, I think I just became bisexual.

Subject: when
Date: Jul 26 2005 05:53:09 PM
Author: Wallet Head

are Al Qaeda send a suicide bomber to that address?!?

Subject: lazy
Date: Jul 25 2005 10:07:06 PM
Author: David Wise

One time i had to free-ball it in the same dirty jeans for two whole weeks because i was too lazy to do a load of laundry but i think this chick has me beat.

Subject: mach four
Date: Jul 25 2005 10:04:27 PM
Author: David Wise

the best part about shaving your legs is not having to worry about your cock chaffing against your thigh.

Subject: xx vs. xy
Date: Jul 25 2005 02:22:44 PM
Author: Slummer

"I paid $180 to rip off Debbie Harry, sadly, my hair is falling out because of it. I have a knowing sexy purse to my lips because I've managed to hang on to a shred of my breasts even after years of coke-induced weight loss. Please overlook the haggard skin, the MAC covers most of it...I don't have enough change for the dryer - need a bj?"

"My dick's bigger than yours, my tan's better, and I recycle!"

Advantage: broken X

Subject: um
Date: Jul 25 2005 02:09:13 PM
Author: farkk

these two are a retard's wet dream

Subject: hifheh9
Date: Jul 24 2005 11:44:03 PM
Author: d.gav.stalk

yo fuck the guy who referred to the chick as a bird, what is he some suave black, british guy from the 70s....or whatever..year that phrase was popular in. that ISENT NOW!

Subject: pathetic
Date: Jul 23 2005 11:46:57 PM
Author: uri yuri ori ari

Everyone on here is pathetic for trying to imitate the voice of the Dos and Don'ts writer (especially because many of you are obviously ripping off previous dos and don'ts). Get your own voice and sense of humor, jerks.

Subject: Chicksndudes
Date: Jul 23 2005 11:18:48 PM
Author: thelaststarfighter

All those lame Berkeley feministas going Vice used to be like cool when it was black and white but now its all about babes and scene and red stripes and LA baby can get fucked because girls like this have worn big sunglasses since they were twelve and get wet by doing washing and then going out and doing blow off nipples and not in your fucking wildest dreams and being 'on' turns me into a vampire. Ew.

The problem with short shorts and large cocks is that you have so much steez you dont even know what to do with yourself so you just tuck your johnson down the side and go and play a little vollyball.

Subject: doos
Date: Jul 23 2005 02:20:22 PM
Author: Andrew

That's Gavin McInnes. He's a gay.

That's Gavin McInnes' mom, who I fucked. I fucked Gavin McInnes' hot mom.

Subject: aaaagh spacker sexy
Date: Jul 23 2005 07:27:51 AM
Author: Spacker Sexy

Bird...

she's from Brazil (but lives somewhere just off brick lane)
and says funny-cool quicky things like "the band were soo good, they dug a hole in the ground, but i just fealt sorry for the rocks"
the sad thing is, she's you're friend, and although you can see her naked,
fuck other guys, and masturbate, you can NEVER try it on with her.

Dude...

YES. not since the beggining of man has there been
SUCH a dominant pose. This guy's like one of those
monsters in Japanese manga cartoons that just like,
totally fucks some innocent wide eyed school girl,
in a violent scene we'd all secretly love to see

Subject: what I need to do
Date: Jul 22 2005 02:02:30 PM
Author: maTT ellis

I where my sunglasses indoors, so I can, so I can, look at ass without ass knowing I am. Big glasses are especially great at hiding your eyes when you don't want annoying people to engage you. You feel like your face is hidden and you can get away with anything you want.

tanlines are erotic but burnlines are fucking sexy. Blue rocket to Housten; we are pitchin tent on the red planet, and Mars Needs Women.

Subject: dodo
Date: Jul 22 2005 01:01:45 PM
Author: Jack Daniels

Lady: Nobody cares that your parents were free and easy and that you shit-canned that guy from The Scissor Sisters, because no one likes them and that guy is gay anyway. Slip on your sloots and go get me a bottle of ripple.
Duder: I know it looks easy, but that's only because he's such a champ.

Subject: tampon string
Date: Jul 22 2005 12:39:59 PM
Author: nthdegree

thats the door of the dryer not a tampon string... myopic fuckwads

Subject: Ick
Date: Jul 22 2005 03:47:21 AM
Author: SpeedOfDarkk@gmail.com

Girl: Someone call 911, someone stole my self respect!

Subject: do
Date: Jul 22 2005 02:57:43 AM
Author: bckallllllll

GUY:YOU KNOW YOUR BUMMED IF THE HOMELESS GUY HAS A BIGGER DICK THAN YOU

Subject: Peck
Date: Jul 21 2005 05:23:51 PM
Author: Jig

Girl: I know girls are 2 years ahead with respect to maturing, but since when did 10 year olds start getting their periods? That picture is certified kiddie porn you creeps!

Guy: First off, this guy shares one thing in common with Willow...he's a peck. Now, how much do you wanna bet that this moron is sporting a wood in anticipation of raming his member into those pop cans? I feel sorry for the person who has to pay this creep money for returning pop cans topped up with jizz.

Subject: don'ts and do
Date: Jul 21 2005 03:10:30 AM
Author: kilroy12

girl (don't) - dumb hot LA whore that is seemingly white, but if you pulled the string a prepubecent asain girl would fall out.

man (do) - man, this old is prepared in that "I had a shitload of water and on a walk that I didn't wear underwear and brought a bunch of bottles, because I am a conservationist, to pee in," sort of way

Subject: Do and fuckin Donts Bitches!!
Date: Jul 21 2005 02:51:36 AM
Author: Carlos D

Girl-
Somewhere in some far away land, a poor little blonde slut has a dilemma on her hands, she tossed the cloths off her back into the wash, what does a poor defenseless slut to do?

Guy-
At that very moment, somewhere in New Jersey. Our hero dreams of the slut’s dismay and thus, third leg material.

Subject: rubber johnny
Date: Jul 20 2005 02:46:33 PM
Author: oh

what the FUCK is that?!

Subject: bitches come, bitches go
Date: Jul 20 2005 08:04:41 AM
Author: Mitch Kinney

Here's my lousy captions:

Girl: Is that a Bounce sheet in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Don't get me wrong, I love the Playboy special editions, but "Laundromat Girls" is taking it a bit too far. What's going to be next? The girls of 7-11 with Slurpies dripping down their ass? Or how about a special edition of Crippled Blind Chicks with Gout. Yeah, that'd be swell. The fucking machine is not even plugged in, are we actually supposed to "believe" this fantasy?

Guy: It's 7:22 to exact, sir. Yes, I'm wearing a watch but i don't need it, you see. I made a pact with Reebok. They promised to turn my dick into a clock and give me unlimited power if I always wear their clothing and pick up used aluminum cans.

Subject: PHP shit
Date: Jul 19 2005 11:32:01 PM
Author: Mud - Rock

Even vice can;t get PHP running on a mac. I don;t feel so bad now.

Subject: nudity
Date: Jul 19 2005 10:20:07 PM
Author: Jaf

You got me sacked again, cheers.

Subject: their menstrual blood attracts bears.
Date: Jul 19 2005 01:41:38 PM
Author: boxmaster

This girls so confident she can parade around the house nearly naked, in heels and raybans, with her tampon string hanging out. Shes attracting bears and shes proud of it. Shes just an angry feminist with no clean clothes. Shes my idol.

The old man is one of those guys with millions in the bank somewhere, but meanwhile he collects recyclables and shopping carts to make some extra cash. What a douchebox.

Subject: do and don't
Date: Jul 19 2005 02:59:32 AM
Author: Stanley Jenkins

(girl)
This chick is so god damned furocious she'd make your Canadian Dad spill his Pap's Blue Ribbon down the front of his sweatpants and use that as an excuse to suck his own dick.

(guy)

By the way, this is your dad.

Subject: question
Date: Jul 18 2005 09:10:36 PM
Author: Chinaski

is that a tampon string or part of the door?

Subject: fuck you
Date: Jul 18 2005 04:51:49 PM
Author: fuck you

I won this contest so it's over. anyway I gotta go, my fuckin laundry's finally done.

Subject: dem titties
Date: Jul 18 2005 03:19:42 PM
Author: lil'psi

i'm over b-cups, i'm over blondes
i'm over aviaters and i'm over left shoulder tattoos too
so if you wanna impress me ladie, start
pussy poppin' on a handstand

Subject: wow
Date: Jul 18 2005 02:05:52 AM
Author: seaoharewhy

holy shit!! maybe writing the do's and don'ts ain't as easy as it looks because all yall motherfuckers really suck at it. 15 days of replies and god knows how many hours you spent trying to outwit the next guy, and there's seriously not a fucking chuckle in here. the worst part is that you can tell some people were really trying their hardest. bad idea vice...can we just let this rest now?

Subject: smart people don't go on message boards
Date: Jul 14 2005 01:40:39 PM
Author: Nicholas

The best/worst thing about sex borgs is that they do your laundry and give you super robo blow jobs but eventually they go haywire and go on a killing rampage with a weapons cache they find somewhere.

I having nothing to say about this guy with the cans and the wang. Once you've seen one unattractive guy with an obvious wang in Vice the rest all seem like ripples in the pond.

Subject: is thing
Date: Jul 17 2005 10:47:44 PM
Author: when

going to be decided

Subject: do and do again...
Date: Jul 17 2005 10:18:03 PM
Author: JU Damager

The tampon string makes her seem like the golden ticket of fortune cookies. You can't wait to see what it says, but you eat the cookie first so it comes true. Then you get the printed fortune, "This is the greatest day of your life." All right!!

Keeping your legs nice and smooth when you are out collecting cans is very important. What if you see a hot chick?!

Subject: My two cents
Date: Jul 17 2005 04:54:18 PM
Author: Kevinski

Girl: Do your laundry as conspicuously as possibly when you are a hottie

Guy: Do sport wood when you are picking up aluminum cans to let people know: "Hey, I might be an indigent piece of shit, but I still have a bigger dick than you!"

Subject: do don't
Date: Jul 17 2005 01:24:10 PM
Author: Eyan Karr

Girl-- two black eyes are no reason to go all Miami Vice in the Utility room
Guy-- is this guy collecting cans to buy snake food? The human firehose does publicity shots for the homeless fire dept.

Subject: both of these pictures
Date: Jul 17 2005 04:49:13 AM
Author: vale!

wow, the first thought i get in my head when i see these pictures is, sitting down watching "Eddie and the Cruisers". the girl says to my poor teenage brain, "Man, i bet Eddie totally fucked her after that amazing saxaphone solo." and the guy shows up as. "Dude, thats probably the guy Eddie was really refering to in all his songs. This whole fucking time i thought he was singin about himself." And so God rolls in his grave to a Little Richard song to his hamburger flavored heart's content...

Subject: oh fuck
Date: Jul 16 2005 09:56:56 AM
Author: andrea

In regards to the girl: Okay, so I know a lot of hoe bags think guys are going to appreciate the festive star they've carefully shaved into their pubes. Because, you know, guys care about shit like that. But I can guarantee that although your cooter may look good rocking something that once may have appeared atop vanilla ice's head, it is not going to look good with a rat tail. I mean, fuck. People don't look good with rat tails. Or mullets. Fuck I’m mad.

Subject: This is great
Date: Jul 15 2005 06:07:40 PM
Author: Michael Romanelli

Hey arthur do you want to both poop in the same toilet for a couple of days and not flush it and also piss in it?

Subject: Responding to Michael Romanelli
Date: Jul 15 2005 06:06:45 PM
Author: Arthur

Hey guys, Michael Romanelli is the winner!

Subject: Thanks arthur
Date: Jul 15 2005 06:03:07 PM
Author: Michael Romanelli

Thanks Arthur. Ya hear that guys, Im the winner! The winner! The winner!

Subject: Who I think should win the competituon
Date: Jul 15 2005 05:57:15 PM
Author: Arthur

Hey guys I think Michael Romanelli won the competetion, what about you guys?

Subject: Captions
Date: Jul 15 2005 05:51:06 PM
Author: Michael Romanelli

Girl photo: "Hey, does this girl think shes a cop or somethin? ha-ha!"

Guy photo: "Ha-ha, this guy's gay!"

Subject: Her, but especially Him
Date: Jul 14 2005 07:24:28 PM
Author: Hazza

Girl: If you walked into the laundry room now, I'd totally ignore you and pretend I was just doing my washing - like, what's the big deal? - I'm totally naked apart from these really skimpy knickers and a pair of really horny yellow shoes - oh, yeah and these really cute shades...and? Get over it. It's 2005. You asshole.

Guy: Shotgun! It's like: I'm homeless, I'm skint and I do not give a fuck - Coz I gotz the meat baby. I GOT THE MEAT. Even wearing as little as possible, I still can't help but feel a million bucks all day long. Fuck it, I might even start getting into that whole filling up the shopping trolley vibe. I can do what I want. Check me.

Subject: doo doo
Date: Jul 14 2005 02:17:26 PM
Author: J C

DUMB MYTH: Only toads have big dinks

Subject: What ever happend to?
Date: Jul 14 2005 02:20:15 PM
Author: Lex

Ladies and Dudes, Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton.

Subject: comment
Date: Jul 14 2005 01:03:58 PM
Author: bryce

theres nothing funny about these pictures. all i know is a fucking can collecting retard has a better chance with that girl than i do becuase from the looks of his shorts, hes packin'.

Subject: ugly fat slag
Date: Jul 14 2005 05:33:54 AM
Author: lisa

has no one noticed the ugly bint with a piece of junk in her fat gob? what can that possibly be advertising?

Subject: worse than cancer
Date: Jul 14 2005 02:34:45 AM
Author: Pendejo Joe

Girl

Aside from the obvious, this girl's special because she knows how to get nut stains out from your boxers. She's set up this operation where she stares you down through those aviator classes until you cream and then starts saying shit like, "You know...I know a way I can get that cum right out," until you fold and pay her fifty bucks. It's highway robbery. But damned if I don't want to get carjacked again.

Guy

Fuck esophageal cancer. THAT's why sodas are bad.

Subject: caption
Date: Jul 13 2005 05:45:21 PM
Author: TM

girl: 'I hear you have problem mit deine vashing machine, that's vhy they send me, I'm expert'

guy: just makes ya feel dirty, like when you see someone's dropped sock on the ground.

Subject: caption
Date: Jul 12 2005 09:55:39 PM
Author: mengus

holy fuck are my legs smooth for a homeless guy. and i just found a PBR can. so hot.

Subject: Ha! Right on!
Date: Jul 12 2005 05:01:39 PM
Author: Brutus

You mean, "talk on the phone ABOUT HERSELF".

Subject: Don't
Date: Jul 12 2005 01:16:15 PM
Author: Mike

Don't know why she's in the laundry room. Everybody knows that she doesn't do anything around the house except bitch and talk on the phone.

Subject: jesus slut vs bum boner
Date: Jul 12 2005 12:50:05 PM
Author: hypnotize123@hotmail.com

bum boner:
"holy shit, is that miller lite half-full, sha-wing!"

jesus slut:
stupid bitch dies her hair blonde and has tits, "I'm cool, I wear my sunglasses inside and ah fuck this.. hey homeless can collector, plow my ass like im the last dime you'll ever get"

Subject: homeless
Date: Jul 12 2005 12:35:44 PM
Author: Upski Boo

Poor people have feelings too!

Subject: what?
Date: Jul 12 2005 11:00:37 AM
Author: beth

holy shit, i thought sweatpants boners were bad. the least he can do is stop looking at it.

Subject: do's competition
Date: Jul 12 2005 10:10:23 AM
Author: chachie

guy: "and to think I was this close to waking up and feeling like a million bucks..instead all I get is this feeling of soul crushing doom and heartache..oh yeah, and you can see my pee-pee.." People who dress like they dont give two shits usually don't..and this cat is killing that whole" I don't give two shits" vibe so hard you can almost hear it screaming.

Subject: Leave it
Date: Jul 12 2005 01:15:56 AM
Author: B

Do leave it to the professionals

Dont pretend to be witty

Subject: HAHAHA
Date: Jul 12 2005 12:13:23 AM
Author: Mayfield

"girl: I live in LA. Vice blows."
"guy: I live in NY. Vice rules."

Haha.

Subject: Don't
Date: Jul 11 2005 10:26:49 PM
Author: Chips

I just hate it when bitches let themselves go like this. I can almost smell the film of rancid yogurt trapped between those meat bags you call thighs. Honey, if you want to score a hot stud with more than 1/3 of an inch of cat penis in his trousers, get on the glass-shards-and-laxative superdiet immediately, cause all of us guys in Straightland are thinking, "You're a bloated sea donkey."

Subject: ...the dude is a DO
Date: Jul 11 2005 10:28:30 PM
Author: adrian castaneda

yes he has to collect trash everyday for the rest life to make enough to eat, but when you have sidepipe as epic as this dude's the little inconveniences of poverty seem insignificant.

Subject: entry
Date: Jul 11 2005 09:48:35 PM
Author: james t.

girl: "Good lord, is she some sort of amazing wash-day Top Gun instructor? I'll bet her callsign is BallDrainer. She'd request to do a fly-by, and the tower would say 'Uh, negative, Ball Drainer, the pattern is full.' "

guy: "Frank, I'm not having this conversation with you. I put some nice shorts over you so we can go for a walk, and we can't go three blocks without you starting some sort of argument. And, no, this is NOT like that time in Nha Trang in '67 when we shot those schoolkids because we thought they were VC sappers."

Subject: lame-like every article in this issue
Date: Jul 11 2005 07:25:37 PM
Author: v.c.

girl: there's nothing like doing the washing machine-hmmm!
guy: who needs underwear?

Subject: Simple
Date: Jul 11 2005 03:33:59 PM
Author: dionysus

girl: I live in LA. Vice blows.

guy: I live in NY. Vice rules.

Subject: comp
Date: Jul 10 2005 07:09:07 PM
Author: dr.gavin stalker

i definitely have to agree with ow my dick, everything posted here really sucks. its either plain out not funny or blatantly offensive and not clever...but most of the time just to wordy and not timed correctly. but then again these r just people online dicking around. the people who will get up and mail shit in will probably be a bit more into it.

Subject: fungenitals
Date: Jul 10 2005 04:10:11 PM
Author: alex

hey! remember that chick from the cover of Roxy Music's "Country Life"? me neither.

never before have i wanted to egg someone's groin this bad.

Subject: love
Date: Jul 10 2005 03:34:20 PM
Author: gary wilson

this perfect - but too old for the costume tickle trunk that is her lifestyle - hipstress prefect needs the homeless packer's thick, experienced orgone rod inserted into her, to blast through the viral marketing, to transcend the failed retail outlets, to forget the latest shit by 'julia' or 'annie' or whoever, to ride that washing machine into a brighter, cleaner reality of fecund creativity and good humour. then she needs to kick him and his tool the fuck out of the house her dad bought her.

Subject: playerhaters
Date: Jul 10 2005 10:28:51 AM
Author: haterplayer

Dont be a Hater, Bitches! Just cause this girl is from
your town and does not have fat thighs and wears
cowboy boots like you do. Chunk. SHE LOOKS FUCKING
HOT.

AS for the guy YOU HAVE A SCHLONG, but your still homeless.

Subject: love connection
Date: Jul 10 2005 12:06:30 AM
Author: spin cycle

the washer's state-of-the-art. i wanna hump on it.

Subject: how does vice gets these photos
Date: Jul 09 2005 11:17:21 PM
Author: oh my god i know the slut

how humiliating for our little SF Hipster

Subject: the girl
Date: Jul 09 2005 08:45:01 PM
Author: treading lightly

hmmm doing the laundry naked with sunglasses on huh? i'll bet dollars to donuts shes hiding a five star shiner behind them shades. "DONT FERGET DA FABRIC SOF'NER ER I'LL HOLD YER ARM OVER DA STOVE AGAIN!!" "lol oh im jus kiddin baby, ya know i loves ya"

Subject: the guy
Date: Jul 09 2005 08:40:48 PM
Author: treading lightly

my guess is his dick has the power to find aluminum cans. a steady drip of pre-jizz means yer red hot!

Subject: this shit is stupid
Date: Jul 09 2005 08:30:08 PM
Author: ow my dick

whhhhhhaaaaat tthhhheeee ffffuuuuuuuuck!
god damn it, dude! is there an intern working for you guys that fucked up so baddly that you fish up some scheme to get thousands of rediculous e-mails just to keep him reading all of the worst do's and don'ts sent in by all of these idiots??
even reading this board is painfull!!!!
none of you are funny!! jesus shit when did everybody get the idea that because they think vice is funny that they can write this shit?
for fucks sake vice, you mother fuckers only get it right a quarter of the time!!

Subject: deez nutz
Date: Jul 09 2005 07:27:46 PM
Author: phanton foreskin

I always wondered what happened to Dirk Diggler.

Subject: Can Man
Date: Jul 09 2005 05:51:41 PM
Author: ICUP

Tan, homless, and packing some serious heat into those little shorts. Can you use that thing to spear cans too?

Subject: ...
Date: Jul 08 2005 08:42:29 PM
Author: skulljuice

The Aphex Twin has the flyest kicks

Subject: uh....
Date: Jul 08 2005 07:13:57 PM
Author: mike b

i want to do "it" with her

i want to listen to was (not was)

Subject: doos and donts
Date: Jul 08 2005 07:09:50 PM
Author: Lora "Lora Thomas" Thomas

Top: Don't let the soft, seemingly untouched breasts fool you. Underneath those tiny panties her thang looks like a chewed up piece of Bubble Yum between two pieces of pastrami.

Bottom: What's up with that cart? Does it think it's cool maquerading around in wanna-be retro metal grating? I bet it even bought some hip throw-back wheel governors on ebay for like $300. What a tool. Everyone knows that red plastic bumper carts are where it's at. Ch!

Subject: suds
Date: Jul 08 2005 04:02:05 PM
Author: t

As sexy as the girl may be with her standard hipster hot chick look she still owns a pair of valentine day pajama pants (she may like to call the PJ's I'm not sure) and you know that they could have only been purchased at old navy, gap, Delia's or any other store that has holiday themed loungewear.

Subject: God Damn I'm sexy..
Date: Jul 08 2005 03:47:46 PM
Author: Moe

The problem with collecting aluminum cans is that I have to look down to find them. Yes its a fact. Well how can anyone look down and not notice these damn sexy, fresh shaven, tanned and bitch like legs....Chubs me up every time. I often have to duck into an ally and rub one out so that I can focus on the task at hand...Why the other day I got so engrossed in myself I passed up a half eaten big mac and a whole 6 pack of empties.

No one can ever understand the internal anguish of people like us...by the way.."can you spare some change? I am trying to get busfare home".

Subject: Laundry and the Girl next door
Date: Jul 08 2005 03:31:24 PM
Author: Moe

Jut another typical day at the wind in the willows trailer park....The jobless husband talks his hunny into posing topless next to the last 3 weeks worth of dirty laundry. After a breakfast of 3 PBR's she grudgingly agrees. Joe bob knows this is just the beginning though once she says yes to this, he is only a twelve pack and a joint away from getting her to lay on the bed, buck neked, with her legs behind her head while sucking a lollypop....Then its "Beaver Hunt here we come"
and the third place prize of $30.00....Ahhh the high life.

Subject: FUNNEEE
Date: Jul 08 2005 01:34:03 PM
Author: rickTHEDICKfromLA

Girl: This is what happens when you put smart girls in the wash on warm with bleach. They shrink and they're hair is like, wishaaah!

Guy: Doesn't it piss you off when you see a bum with a perfectly nice head of hair? I'd be a bum with a big cock. I would.

Subject: Aviator Girl
Date: Jul 08 2005 12:56:18 PM
Author: BTB

Looks like someone forgot to tuck in the tampon string. GROSS

Subject: Rich Bitch Rat Cooter
Date: Jul 08 2005 12:28:45 PM
Author: Hacksaw

These girls are all the same. You know when they get home from their perch on the VIP table at the club they put on gucci aviators, and white tiger foreskin pajamas getting ready to bed down on a pile of feathers and foreigners. The down side to the whole arrangement is her teeth look like toffee from meth, and she often finds rats in her drawers. As shown.

Subject: Washing Machine Girl & Boner Man
Date: Jul 08 2005 08:36:13 AM
Author: Ralph

I have this friend who is a girl right? She is hot but I'm not sure if I really could love her or not cause she is a lunatic and shallow as fuck. She can be really sweet too. But one time she was hugging me for ages because I came to visit her while she was sick and I really got a boner. It was a nice hug. So I relate to those pictures because there is a hot girl (her) and a boner guy (me). But you start off with the pressing hug and then "oh boy!" So you start slowly moving your pee pee back and then when the hug is done you lean forward to try and reduce the tenting in the pants.

Subject: am I gay now?
Date: Jul 08 2005 08:02:01 AM
Author: hot girl

Ok, stay there! Dont move! I'm just gonna nip out and get myself a sex change. Won't be a second! And when I get back please dont talk because anything you say will be a total anti climax, even if it is clever.

The guy: Is there anything we can do to prevent this kind of thing from happening again?

Subject: for the first one
Date: Jul 08 2005 07:23:34 AM
Author: tijuana superhuman

hell yeah, this is the coolest club in town
hell yeah, I'm your personal DJ
hell yeah, I'll sit on the washing machine so you can watch my fun-bags jiggle.

Subject: Cunt Face
Date: Jul 07 2005 09:39:19 PM
Author: Brad

Hey Niggar!

You stupid cunt! I vomited in your mom's pussy and then fucked her dsigusting pussy.

Subject: this article obviously
Date: Jul 07 2005 08:01:20 PM
Author: Machete

There's nothing original about homegirl.... i see too many ho's like that all over downtown manhattan, tired of that... i bet she gives a lovely blowjob though. As for the guy, why the fuck would i comment about a man's boner, i just look away and keep struttin down the block, nahmean.

Subject: girl
Date: Jul 07 2005 10:39:37 AM
Author: choky

She's not THAT hot, in fact she looks kind of old (like late twenties). I'd still do her but...

Subject: dos and donts
Date: Jul 06 2005 11:44:35 PM
Author: ben

# 1 thing number 11 to do with a dead rat
# 2. yeah, i might be the fucking assshole who goes through you garbage cans at two a.m., but i can still get a boner, can you, you art fag twat?

Subject: immigrants
Date: Jul 06 2005 04:22:34 PM
Author: anna

i hate it when europeans come to america and think there are no rules. just like when americans go to mexico and feel it is our american duty to get shit faced, piss all over ourselves, and sing "la cucaracha" repetitly while wearing a stolen sombreo and matching pancho.

Subject: sweet
Date: Jul 06 2005 02:36:39 PM
Author: sam

first one: Heaven is where you go to do your laundry and she's using the machine next to you.

second one: when a guy gets a boner randomly in public he can either strut around while almost poking little kids in the head or he can put it to the side and keep it hidden. This works well except when wearing short shorts and doing a pose that's straight out of a musical.

Subject: Woman pic caption
Date: Jul 06 2005 02:15:24 PM
Author: Sir Bastard

I hate these sad bastards who think they're funny trying to imitate 'wacky' commercials. Like those cunts who used to dance around in Irish theme pubs whenever that 'Mamba Number 5' came on. Or speccy office wankers who shout 'Calm down dear, it's only a mouse!'. But that Levi's ad was fucking 1983, you dozy bollocks. PS- service wash 7 quid? I'd rather go down Oxfam

Subject: Man caption
Date: Jul 06 2005 02:15:08 PM
Author: Sir Bastard

Right now, he's trying to visualise Bernard Manning fucking and eating the bloated corpses of tsunami victims. but when he's impotent, he'll look back at this pic and sob like a tiny mite.

Subject: Cawk
Date: Jul 06 2005 11:08:40 AM
Author: The Fucking Man

"Where'd my cock go? It was just here, on the right side. OH! There you are cock, on my left, silly cock."

Pull the string and make her talk.

Subject: suck me
Date: Jul 06 2005 09:08:39 AM
Author: spider girl

Small tits are all the rage this season.

Mammoth weiners make for easy self-felatio.

Subject: laundry day
Date: Jul 06 2005 12:56:33 AM
Author: marshall

i don't know what i like more, the pink-heart clothing next to her screaming "i break for care-bears" or the little tattoo on her shoulder and the aviators which is all like bad-ass. hot.
@ I boogie, don't be a hater...that IS the washing machine, behind her not tampon

Subject: the laundress
Date: Jul 06 2005 12:55:53 AM
Author: your face

i am not so sure that's A TAMPON sticking out of her, THAT IS THE DAMN WASHING MACHINE DOOR or clothing BEHIND HER, YOU FAGS!! nice washing machine too..

Subject: that dick on the right
Date: Jul 06 2005 12:12:05 AM
Author: Squizzle

there will never be anything funnier than a poor fag! the shame-ridden, dropped face, coupled with a shitty, can-filled shopping cart makes it obvious you just woke up in a trailer like a marielito in little havana. and to top it all off, those short little shorts show off your beautifully tanned, and shaved, legs...you just know how to scream "i'll suck a dick for money", don't you?

Subject: ass sex
Date: Jul 05 2005 09:57:45 PM
Author: l boogie

this girl knows she is hot enough to let it all hang out. STICK FINGERED vice reading men won't even notice A USED TAMPON STRING DANGLEING IN FRONT OF THEIR FACE CAUSE THEY ARE TOO BUSY STAREING AT HER PRE PUBESCENT TITS.

THIS IS ONE OF THSOE GUYS WHO WALKS AROUND WITH A ROLL OF QUARTERS IN HIS POCKET TO MAKE HIMSELF FEEL LIKE MORE OF A MAN.

Subject: DOS!
Date: Jul 05 2005 09:25:56 PM
Author: t.z.b.

#1 - It's like if Dale Bozzio (Missing Persons), Terri Nunn (Berlin), and Nikki Blond (Hungarian porn star) crawled into that washer for a hot and sexy spin cycle. 45 minutes later, that crawled out, (a la Weird Science).

#2 - This guy has a gut, a cock, and legs like a chick. And you know what? Fuck society. He's still gonna out for his pack of Kools.

Subject: don't do
Date: Jul 05 2005 07:57:37 PM
Author: daniel

Great sweetheart do your fucking laundry in heels and a pair of aviators. I don’t know. I’m not gay or anything but this chick is so obviously hot that I kind of want to punch her in the face. I hope she has only one eye under those.

Shit maybe I am gay. Why is that no matter how many chicks you’ve slept with, fights you’ve been, or cans of beer downed you can’t help but stare at a dudes wangbot? Dude is collecting bottles and its giving him a hard on. I wish I could get that excited about my daily errands

Subject: its him!!!
Date: Jul 05 2005 07:57:19 PM
Author: dude w package

when i havent been laid in a while and im trying to keep from cumming too soon...i close my eyes and think of this guy
get outta my mind you pricks

Subject: its her!!!
Date: Jul 05 2005 07:48:16 PM
Author: girl

when i get bored with a girlfriend and close my eyes while fucking her...this is the girl/location i imagine. get outta my head you vice assholes

Subject: Best contest idea ever.
Date: Jul 05 2005 06:20:02 PM
Author: haterade

I always appreciated the writing for the Do's and Don'ts but it's only now that I realize how truly talented a writer Gavin is by reading all the responses that people have left here. Take it as inspiration Gavin, and write a fucking book already.

Subject: internal conflict
Date: Jul 05 2005 04:24:46 PM
Author: j. arsy

Dudes, you sick fucking assholes. Why must you fuck with my brain like this? There is just nothing worse than a 'tard with a boner. It's like, okay, yeah, he's a fucking gimp, it's not his fault, but I still want to vomit. And where are you supposed to look when he's all waving it up in your face? Shouldn't someone be looking after him? And then you're like, but what if he ISN'T a disabler? Fuck.

And you put THAT next to the picture of the insanely hot model. So the page is loading, whatever, and you're like hell YES, nature is a wonder, ain't she? And yeah, you're getting turned on, because you're only fucking human, and then your eyes skim to the right and it's pow! Your brain is looking at a downer with a semi, but your body is still in the hot model place. And that my friends is a trauma. A fucking trauma. You cunts.

Subject: !@()!@*&!(@)!#
Date: Jul 05 2005 03:35:12 PM
Author: pash

THis bitch will steal your smokes and your mom's favourite pair of Martini Osvaldo's. DO peg her...DO double bag it...DOn't let her know where YOU live. WHy you ask? Because you can't turn a ho into a housewife.

...and for the dude.

2 words. Colostomy Bag. Or piss-sack for short.

Subject: damn........
Date: Jul 05 2005 01:05:21 PM
Author: theperv

dude, i just came all over my keyboard...girl

Subject: Girl
Date: Jul 05 2005 12:40:36 PM
Author: Skip Mhetto

Dynamite is defined in my dictionary as "something highly dangerous to deal with" or "someone or something excellent or thrilling". More specifically dynamite is a long slender explosive with a long wick, so I guess this lady is guilty on all three accounts. They must have used something like this to blast all those great roads through the Canadian Shield. KAPOW!!

Subject: Girl
Date: Jul 05 2005 08:56:33 AM
Author: Smokey Blaze

Ever since my grandma started taking those Lakota pills the family has noticed a real difference. Seriously, what's in that stuff?

Subject: Laundry Girl
Date: Jul 05 2005 01:43:20 AM
Author: Fame

"I wonder if Kobe's cum are still in these panties?"

Subject: fuck yes
Date: Jul 05 2005 12:13:19 AM
Author: kta

(girl) im touching myself. i THOUGHT i was a straight girl.

Subject: do's
Date: Jul 04 2005 07:34:06 PM
Author: taylor stephen

Girl: Y'know, before I saw this picture I would've thought of myself as one of those pro-feminist modern male types, but seeing this hot bitch doing the laundry has single-handedly convinced me that women's work is THE HOTTEST SHIT EVER.

Man:Usually, when people talk about their favourite homeless people, it's about how they're just that bat-shit crazy/funny. Not this dude. Guy takes his can collecting seriously. It's his job. He's not just gonna half-ass it or phone it in every day. Look at excercise shorts and the "TEAM DERELICT" jersey, the nikes and the well toned legs, that may or may not have been shaved for improved aero-dynamics. Obviously, he is in it to win it.

Subject: Laundry Girl And "semi" Boy
Date: Jul 04 2005 03:37:45 AM
Author: Honest Don

Girl(Do)- This bitch is so high on herself that she can taste her own asshole. She doesn't know the meaning of the word humility, nor does she have to. Her trust fund baby boy du jour is a chump with low self esteem who will continue to endlessly pamper her lazy Miu Miu wearin manipulative lying slutty ass (with Poppas stacks of course) untill he is broke and she decides it's o.k to jump on to the next flower.
She is next gen hot, and is the reason that so many ugly and fat chicks go goth.
At the end of the day, I would nail her so hard that my jupe bombs would shoot out of her eyes and ears... I would then procede to lick her million dollar pussy untill I ran out of oxygen to my brain. Right before I'm dead, I would try to crawl into her slimy flawless box and use it as my casket. Ummmm yeah...... maybe I would lick first. ;)
GUY (Do)-
This player has a big dick and he knows it. He is also so comfortable in his own skin that he can wear spandex and know that he's not gay...he also knows that you know that he's not gay. He knows that you see his "semi"... and he thinks it's really funny how you and your little friends look at him directly in the eyes, because his half hard-on makes everybody within 20 feet uncomfortable.
He also shaves his legs twice a week as well. He is o.k with that fact too because he knows that after his run is finished and he rolls his Porche Cayenne onto his gold bricked driveway in West Vancouver, th

Subject: noway.
Date: Jul 03 2005 09:29:29 PM
Author: faith_salon

isn't that thing that looks like a tampon string just the outline of the dryer door behind her??? I'm pretty sure a girl this hot, posing like that, would not have let the the string hanging out go unnoticed. Plus. it's too fucking long anyway. And that guys gross dick is already giving me nightmares.

Subject: "cocky"
Date: Jul 03 2005 08:44:56 PM
Author: even better

i swear that's the same guy from the book/few years ago that had one ball plopped out. i can't believe that there's a contingent of homeless men still busting hard-ons as they go about their daily schedule of foraging and gathering.

Subject: mhm
Date: Jul 03 2005 02:39:11 PM
Author: doldries

Teddy J, good job trying to transliterate a European accent. like, what the fuck

Subject: vice is gay
Date: Jul 03 2005 02:10:39 PM
Author: duh

the cord isn't coming from the washing machine.

the cock is photoshopped.

Subject: The International Language of Pussy
Date: Jul 03 2005 09:11:53 AM
Author: Chad

(her: DO)Rather than going to the hot dog eating competition at Nathan's to see that little Japanese cunt win again this 4th of July, go to the dick sucking competition held at Chinky Kim's laundrette instead. The winner gets to do a free load of laundry which is handy for washing out all of the jizz rags.

(him: DO) Fucking joggers really get on my last nerves. More people should get in to wacky "urban" sports and nothing gets the heart rate going like hiding in alleys and rubbing your cock all day looking at hot women. Also, if you drag around a shopping cart all over the city collecting cans, that's great exercise! and the perfect cover.

Subject: dewd
Date: Jul 03 2005 08:40:50 AM
Author: mike

The difference between homeless motherfuckers and bums is their attitude. Check out the watch, check out the gut, check out the sneakers with ankle socks. Rocking his cock like that is just the cherry on the cake of his homeless glory. I guarantee he gets more ass than most of us.

Subject: dont
Date: Jul 03 2005 06:23:24 AM
Author: fuckyou

girl:"I'm hungry"

Subject: caption contest
Date: Jul 03 2005 05:15:23 AM
Author: B

(girl) I'm a fucking model. can't you tell by my tiny tits and hot heels? oh wait, AND my aviators???? Look at how fucking high fashion I am by this washing machine, all concrete jungle and shit. my contrapossto says it all, I'm ready to separate my whites and colors bitch.....these clothes are so fucking Dior you wish you were me.

(guy) Listen, don't be jealous just because this motherfucker has everything you want. A fucking cart full of goodies, some sneakers, a hat....a bag fulla cans that can be recylced in michigan, maine and vermont. He is the american dream assholes.

Subject: (wo)man
Date: Jul 03 2005 02:37:38 AM
Author: Teddy J

This Eurotrash gem is the best present your rich absent father will ever buy for you. This is exactly how she looked coming off the plane. "I vas joos going to do zee laundry, but now zat you here, vhy don't you joos stare at your reflection in zee aviataahs vile i sook your chode?" and then she'll probably let you fuck her on the running dryer after she's finished a load (and yours). you won't last a week.

"As you can see, I spend my days looking for cans to recycle for my weekly six-pack of PBR. Who ever knew that some shitty acid, a dirty razor and my depleting bottle of body lotion could turn my life around? I turn myself on so much now I just need to look at my smooth legs to have my dick at half-mast all fucking day. You better not copy me."

Subject: momma had a chicken, momma had a cow.
Date: Jul 02 2005 11:17:45 PM
Author: king and queen

girl (airhead slut):
My tits are soo perky today, I decided not to wear a shirt....Laundry is kool.

Guy (with country accent):
Oooohweeee, looking down at my hot shaved legs, why i've never noticed they were soo beautiful... oh, whats this? its appears i have a peecock in my pants. Why i never noticed that before either... Hey you! Get off my property!

Subject: hiloriality
Date: Jul 02 2005 11:17:09 PM
Author: king and queen

thats not a rats tale nor a tampon , its just from the purple peice of clothing behind her that makes it look like theres something sticking out of her undies , right?

Subject: do/dont
Date: Jul 02 2005 10:18:54 PM
Author: danny

girl: "look at all this dirty clothes i have to wash...you know what, fuck it why would i ever cover my amzing self up in some clothes thats are no where near my level, i think ill just make all you other pathetic fuckers suffer by staying naked so you can all fantacize about fucking me"

guy: Look, this guy just discovered that he does have a penis, all those years of shaving ur legs cuz you thought you were a classy lady are over, you are just some jerk off who has done too much heroin to even remember his own sex.

Subject: girl
Date: Jul 02 2005 09:50:30 PM
Author: jeremy

Every time I think that I have fucked my fair share of destructively hot females, someone walks past me who is so hot that she makes my dick retreat back inside of me. Or, I see someone doing their laundry that makes my dick a permanent mangina as she screams to the world my pussy tastes like a million jolly ranchers and you will never know. God hates me.

Subject: do/don't
Date: Jul 02 2005 08:56:39 PM
Author: Muji

Girl: Look at this. This girl has been so busy for the last 15 years these glasses went out of style and came back in. She hasn't changed her tampon in a week and the fucking machine isn't even plugged in but she's naked and giving you that look so you just say "fine, honey" and back out of the room.

Guy: Seriously, what the fuck? Did this guy get so excited about getting fresh produce and using coupons he popped a boner right there in the store? It's just groceries asshole, they'll always have more.

Subject: laundry
Date: Jul 02 2005 08:31:42 PM
Author: spatulance

its always hot when a girl does your laundry, but when its in high heels, and Sisters of Mercy glasses it will make you forgive that she's too dumb to realize the machine wont work cos it's not plugged in.

Subject: hellz yeah
Date: Jul 02 2005 06:50:22 PM
Author: yo momma

i would do the babe, but the old man . . hes gotta go.

Subject: Serge D' Nimes
Date: Jul 02 2005 05:59:41 PM
Author: haterade

Even with that rat's tail hanging out of her cunt?

Subject: do
Date: Jul 02 2005 05:58:50 PM
Author: Serge D' Nimes

Yes, I would "DO" the babe