The way you get a girl is to say, ‘No problem.' Everything, no problem," says a Russian mobster named Peter that's sitting next to me at dinner. "If they late then you just have a drink alone. When they show up you say, ‘Hey, don't worry about it.' And you go on with the night. Everything is no problem forever and ever. Don't call me back—no problem. See you on the street with another guy—no problem."

Peter now has the attention of the entire table. He moves his head from far left to far right in a sweeping gesture that's so slow it makes me think he's totally forgotten what the fuck he was talking about. After making sure everyone is silent, he adds, "…then…when she finally say those three words. When she finally say, ‘I love you'. YOU TURN THAT BITCH OVER AND YOU FUCKING PUNISH HER FOR ALL THE BULLSHIT SHE PUT YOU THROUGH!!!"

Peter is a scary meathead who talks to trees and is about to go to jail for double murder. He's also kind of right. The best way to get the girl you like is to be laid-back and casual, then, once you have her, be a Russian mobster. That's easier said than done. Picking up chicks is hard. All women have to do to get laid is say "yes" and lie down. Even fat girls can do well if they put on high heels and wait until last call. Blacks get to fuck whomever they want and if they go to Scotland they get laid even more than that. Gays and lesbians get so laid they're already bored with it. But what about the other 2.98756 billion of us? How do we get laid? Read on, motherfucker…

FUN GUY
The problem with really wanting to get laid is you look like someone who really wants to get laid. The horny you is like the marketing head in How to Get Ahead in Advertising. You have to deny him or he will kill you. Instead of worrying about who is going to fuck you, just go out and be gregarious guy. "Hey, what's your name? Oh, Mark? How's it going, Mark? I'm Chris. Who's this?" "I'm Julie." "Hey Julie. Do you guys want some Vicodin?" We know you want to fuck Julie. We all want to fuck Julie. Just don't admit it to anyone. Not even to yourself. Even if a close female friend, one you trust, asks if you want to fuck Julie, make a joke like, "I want to fuck MARK, don't you? Meow!" Nobody needs to know you have a penis. Of course, you have to be careful with this kind of attitude and not be too faggy. Throw in a few "That's nobody's business but my own" and maybe protect one or two girls from those wasted geriatric Polish guys that are always hanging around. You need to establish that you are not a pussy and you need to make sure you don't slip into the friend zone (more on that later). If you're really outgoing and pals-y, you should have a ton of numbers and email addresses at the end of the night. Throw the dude ones in the bin.

FUN GUY: PHASE TWO
You shouldn't take a girl out on a date until you've fucked her at least once. Before any kind of dating scenario you have to extend your fun-guy phase just a little bit longer. That means if you want to see her again you call her from somewhere really fun and basically invite her to a party like she's one of the guys. "Hey, what's going on, it's me, Red Pants [an allusion to a previous inside joke you guys have]. We're all at DaVinci's and it's pretty fun. Some wasted old lady is dancing naked on the bar and everyone from the Shit Biscuit is here. On a 1 to 10 fun scale I'd give it an 8.2 [she laughs]. From now on I'll only call you when it's an 8 or over. I'll be your fun spy. Anyway, it's off Dean Street. See you there."

Now don't call her again, you fucking anus! Don't call her at 4 AM asking her why she didn't show. You're fun guy. You're not Heavy Vibes Guy. Remember what the Russian said. Also, the odds are she just came out of a shitty and serious relationship and the last thing she needs is more drunk questions on her answering machine at dawn. You can only call a girl 1.5 times more than she calls you.

BILL MURRAY IN ‘STRIPES'
Fuck Cool J. He's a fucking cheeseball. Ladies Love BM. Remember when he lifts her up on to the stove and then starts jabbing her bum with a spatula? No woman on earth can resist that. It's the best of all worlds. He is strong and funny and weird, but also kind of a lovable fuck-up.

If you're coming fresh out of the gate and you're looking for somewhere to start, this character (I think his name was Winger) is you.

HANGING BY A THREAD
Calling a girl over 1.5 times more than she calls you makes you look desperate (by the way, never use the word "desperate" in any context whatsoever. Don't say you are "desperate to get that vintage Samhain deck" or anything. The word has a heavy hex on it). If you have reached out to a girl you like and after a few days it becomes clear it's going nowhere, here's a good last-ditch-effort text message: "I guess that's it then. I'm moving out. What the fuck are we going to do about the cats?" Showing that you don't really care about her not digging you is often all it takes to get her back.

TOOTS AND THE MAYTALS
Know that when you finally do get her alone and into a date scenario you are going to be farting your fucking ass off. There's something about the adrenaline rush first dates give you that makes your bowels go bananas. Bring matches. When you feel one of them coming on go to the bathroom, open up your cheeks, and let it silently blow out. Then light a match.

If she ends up sleeping over you are probably going to have a monstrous shit the next day (it took a lot of booze and drugs to pull this off) so have the matches ready for that too.

If you really want this to go well, we can't say enough about Beano. Free samples are pretty easy to get online and they are a fart's worst enemy.

DATE PACK
You should get a lot of other stuff too. You should get a whole date pack together. Like: Beano, matches, coke (more later), Viagra (again, later), Adderall (lates), and two Durex condoms. But be warned! There is a weird curse on guys who go out at night with condoms. For some reason a girl can smell the rubber and know that you fully intend to put your penis in her vagina and go in and out and in and out. It might be best to avoid the hex and just throw them out of your date pack. Sometimes getting venereal warts is worth it.

Besides, if she's really against having sex without a condom you can just do oral stuff, which is what God intended for first-timers anyway.

TALKING, LAUGHING, FUCKING
We've told you this a million times before: You don't talk, you don't fuck. You have to keep chatting from the first moment you meet her until she's lying naked in bed next to you. Don't come up for air. It doesn't even matter what you talk about—do observational Seinfeld shit like, "Man, have you ever tried the grape drink at that pizza place on Charlotte Street? It's like a grape EXPLOSION. Now I know what the soldiers in Iraq are going through. Only in grape." On and on, yadda yadda. Be as crazy as you want to be, but have a few serious bombs so she's knows you're not totally fucked in the head. Like if Iraq comes up you could say, "I just hate that there's no real open discourse about the pros and cons of it. Nobody's willing to stop screaming ‘Hitler' and ‘Satan' and calmly discuss it. Like I've heard some really informed people call it ‘the right war fought the wrong way.' Why can't that angle be discussed?" Then it's back to crazy guy (holy fuck are you ever deep).

QUIET GUY
In school it kind of works to be the standoffish silent type that nobody can figure out. You could even make up some bullshit about being "celibate." When you're celibate you're basically Judd Nelson from Breakfast Club meets Ally Sheedy from Breakfast Club. You've been through a lot that you don't want to talk about, you're pretty intense AND you don't have AIDS. Saying "Leave me alone" is great for attention if in school because it's confined quarters and you're always in everyone's face.

BUT DO NOT TRY THIS AFTER SCHOOL! There's too much other stuff going on for people to give a shit if you want to be left alone. They're all, "OK cool, see ya!" and there you are, literally alone.

BIG WORDS
It's good to know about four or five biggish words you can stuff into a conversation so you sound well read. Don't fuck them up the way black people do, but don't overuse them either. We recommend putting your fancy word next to a swear. Here are some examples: "…so she walks in all precocious like we give a shit," or "…and it's the same old pedantic bullshit he's always going on about," or "She's got this big fucking turgid zit right in the centre of her face." When people seem baffled by your big word, pretend you don't understand what they're talking about (you read so much you can't tell the easy words from the hard words).

Oh, I forgot to mention this. Don't talk about weird shit. Keep it light. If you have this memory where you saw a dragonfly eating its own eyes, keep it to yourself. In case you didn't know, that's what murdering rapists talk about too.

FUCK A 5
If it's been more than say, two months, go fuck a fatty. You need to get the ball rolling again and having sex with an ugly girl is the best way to do that. It gets your confidence up and it gets that horrible reek of desperation off you. Besides, fucking a 5 is way more fun than fucking a 10 because you're totally relaxed and can do whatever you want.

THE FRIEND ZONE
This phenomenon was discovered by a funnyman named Chris Rock. You become so laid-back, you're basically Ducky from Pretty in Pink. This blows. If you are a funny person you should be especially careful of this. You can make them laugh their heads off all you want, and I know we told you to not appear horny, but at least throw in a few "I like you more than a friend" vibes. One trick is to be totally honest about how mind-blowingly hot she is. You stop yourself mid-funny-anecdote and go, "Fuck, you're so pretty I keep getting distracted. I don't think I can look at you and tell this story at the same time." Then tell the rest of the story looking over her ear, like if you were blind. That is both funny and shows you're not Ducky.

HOW TO BE FUNNY
You don't have to try too hard to be funny. The funniest shit is just being totally honest. Like "Do you ever feel uncomfortable in places like this? Everyone seems so put together. What are you supposed to do with your arms if you don't smoke? Can you imagine how relaxed people with no arms must be? I wish I had no arms." Saying totally honest and humbling stuff like this is literally funny because it's true. It also shows you are ballsy enough to not give a shit what people think of you.

HORNY DUDE
Completely abandoning friendly guy is some really risky shit, but it's one of the greatest places to be in pick-up land. This is usually only possible when you've heard that she likes you AND you're feeling more "on" than you've ever been. That's when you can say things like "I would ruin your life. I would take you home and walk you over to the bedroom by your hair. Then I would spank your ass so fucking hard it would feel like it was on fire. Then I'd lick your pussy so fucking slow you'd get a stomach ache."

Shit, I'm making myself horny. Being this on happens rarely, and if she's ready to hear shit like this she's already totally sold on you. The reason we've included "horny dude" here is so you know he is the antidote to Ducky. Use him VERY sparingly or become another cold-call creep.

THE COLD CALL
The problem with this is the message you're sending just by doing it. When you walk up to a stranger in a bar and say hello, what you're really saying is, "All I know about you is that you're attractive but that's enough for me to want to start a relationship. My priorities are, ‘Is she hot?' and then I go from there."

Those are what everyone's priorities are but you're not supposed to admit it. Can't you at least wait until there's some kind of eye contact? I don't know what advice to give you cold-call guys. Frankly, I think you're all a bunch of cunts. It's creeps like you that have made it so hard for the rest of us to get anywhere.

THE DREAM TRICK
If you're into a girl and you're not sure if she's into you, a great way to carefully gauge what's going on is to pretend you had a dream about her. When you see her you go, "Holy shit, I just remembered something. I had a dream about you last night." If she recoils in horror you can back off by saying something like, "We were fighting this giant fireman that looked like that Iron Maiden guy. I think Riddick was there—weird." She'll say, "Ooooh kaaaye" and you will just shrug your shoulders, shake your head, and in a "Dreams, what will they think of next?" kind of a way go back to your desk.

If, however, she seems interested, you can go kind of close to sex. Don't say she was blowing you all night and cumming from it but maybe you could say, "I think we were married and we had quintuplets or something. I can't remember." The beauty of the dream trick is it's you saying "I might like you" without putting your ego on the line. If she's disgusted it's not your fault. It's the dream's.

THE RESEARCH METHOD
As you get older your feelings become more and more fragile. That's because your character gets bigger every year. When you're 20 you're basically a fag. You can just go up to anyone and say, "You're hot, wanna make out?" without giving one-tenth of a shit what they say. As you get older, saying, "I have become very attracted to you" is like lying on the road with your intestines hanging out and saying, "Please [sob] have mercy on me." A good way to get around that is research. Do you know any of her friends? Can you trust them? As we said in our "Ode to the Fat Friend" article, an ally on the other side is worth a thousand good lines. (Who fucking uses "lines" these days anyway? Do you really want to fuck a girl who believes in astrology?)

THE FIX UP
Speaking of research, if you can find an OK-looking girl who wants to be your friend, has no interest in you, and isn't hurt that you have no interest in her (rarer than you think), get her to do your research. You can find out if the girl is single, when she last had sex, how long her previous relationship was, why they broke up, does she drink, etc. The list goes on. Going in well prepared is almost as good as going in not ugly. Even if you get caught you're fine because at least the girl knows you're friends with girls. Murdering rapists are not friends with girls.

MULATTO BABIES
If you are any kind of race at all you'd be stupid not to play the race card. A great mulatto trick is to go up to the white girl and ask her what her parents would think about you two going out. Girls love the idea of torturing their Alf Garnett fathers and there's no reason why you shouldn't get your cut of that.

Also, if you're sitting down at the bar, put your hand near hers and JOKINGLY (remember comedy is crucial in scenarios like this) ask her what "our" babies are going to look like. Everyone knows mixed races are the best-looking kids around so it's good to plant those seeds in the back of her head.

EMAIL
This is the ideal way to court. She's sitting there, bored at work, hating her friends, and wondering if anyone really cares about her. Then—dananalalaing—new message. "Hey, have you seen this guy who holds cuddle parties? What a fucking loser. He wants to create a ‘safe space' for people to touch each other's bodies. Can you say ‘faggoty nonsense?'"

Or maybe something less harsh. That's the beauty of email. You can spend hours and hours perfectly honing your message to be exactly what she needs to hear.

THE "MUST HAVE HER" CHANT
Remember last year when we told you that you have to beat off about the girl you want because a) it tricks your brain into thinking you've already fucked her and b) it sends magical wank vibes out into the cosmos that she unconsciously picks up on? Remember that? Well here's another one: If you keep repeating "must have her, must have her, must have her" as you walk down the street something magical happens to you. What it does is it summons every part of your brain to focus on the problem at hand. "Is she going to be there on Thursday? OK, I will not go out Wednesday, I will have a good rest, and then I will have approximately three pints before going to the Thursday thing." These are the kind of complex processes that only a self-hypnotized brain can come up with. Remember, testosterone is a concentration drug.

COKE
Sorry, I know coke has about ten times the stigma trucker hats do, but the truth is it works. Even if you don't do it yourself it's really handy to have a plush box sitting under the bed. Inviting a girl home to do coke shows that you're not just taking her home to blow you. You're taking her home to play her records and talk about stuff because you like her.

Now, if shit does go down and it's taken about five lines to get there, you had better have some Viagra handy. It is a fucking breeze to get online and there is absolutely no excuse for not having it ready to go. People who can't get it up are no longer impotent. They're stupid.

THE FIRST KISS
This fucking sucks. You've got her home and you're sitting on the couch and you have to go from "ha ha ha" guy to dead-serious face zooming in on hers like a spaceship approaching the mother port.

One way around it is to have been talking about how hot she is all night. That way, of course you want to make out. Doye. You're Horny Dude and you've been going on about her lips since you met her. But still, if she turns away and you're left with her ear in your eyes it's pretty fucking embarrassing. All we can say is muster up some balls and just go for it.

If she pulls away, your only way out is to make a joke about it. Say something like, "Oooh kaye, that didn't go so well. All rightie then. Let's do both of us a favour and just get into a time machine and go back to before I did that." Or something as simple as, "Okay, misread the signals, moving on, pretending nothing happened, going to get beer now, will get you one." Don't worry about the delivery, you just have to get out of that scene not looking desperate. She might have turned away because she's not ready or maybe she feels some oral herpes coming through or maybe she's not quite finished breaking up with her boyfriend. Freaking out about this blows all those other options, so take it easy. Just keep the night moving. Don't go for it again for the rest of the night and when she wants to leave be all "OK, cool. I'll call you later."

THE FIRST BOFF
There's a lot of pressure on this sucker. You have to have a rock-hard wood. You have to last a long time. And you have to blow her mind. Besides the obvious coke and Viagra combo nothing turns you into a black man better than Adderall. It makes your dick into a fucking battle-axe. (It also makes you want to fanatically eat her ass, so you might want to avoid it if she's a square.) The rest of our advice is the usual. Once you have the go-ahead, do everything short of rape and almost scare the shit out of her.

EATING OUT
For some shitty reason a lot of girls don't want to be eaten out the first time you're with them. Great, that's how you get riled up. Now you have to hit the ground running. If oral foreplay looks like it isn't going to happen, you can spend your intro time choosing high heels for her to wear, putting her arms behind her back, and just generally checking her out. I can't get into any more detail here because I'm getting a boner at work and that is not on.

PAIR AND A SPARE
The secret to getting laid is to always have three on the go. Focusing on one girl is what they did in the 1940s. You are about carpet bombing the city with cock. If you throw enough shit against the wall something's got to stick. The only way a single guy can get laid as much as a relationship dude is to have a harem. Some like to have five on the go at once. Others think that's more stress than it's worth. You don't want to be a juggler at a mad carnival, so stick with three, a pair and a spare. You have the two you're torn up about and then you have the plan C who likes you too much. That way, when you get rejected by one you can hop down to two and if things are looking really bad, you can sink down to your last resort for some comfort food. This takes the desperation out of your voice and makes you seem calm, smooth, and reliable.

SPECIAL BONUS: DIFFERENT CHICKS

FOREIGNERS
The beauty of nonwhite chicks is that they grew up in an environment that said "You are not normal" every day. That means they are inevitably less judgmental and shallow than your standard Barbie-type girl. That means you don't look as ugly as you are. Are you a white male 7? You're going to have a hell of a time getting a white 8, but switch to Paki, Asian, or black and you'll have 8s and even 9s pouring off you like warm honey.

ASIANS
Asian girls come in two types: FOBs (Fresh Off the Boat) and Born Heres. The only thing these two groups have in common is no ass, smooth skin, great tits, and a bad relationship with their father.

1) FOBs: One way to tell a FOB from a Born Here is to check the shoes. Ever seen those before? Me neither. They're from Taipei. FOBs are not that hard of a nut to crack. As we've pointed out many times before, this whole country is a mindfuck to them, so having sex with a loser like you is not so absurd. Conversation and charm can be a pretty lethargic plodge so don't waste your energy. Make them CD mixes. You can put on shit like the Rolling Stones and it's like you dug up this underground blues band.

2) Born Heres: The tricky thing about these girls is they've been fighting with their dads for so long about assimilation, they've become white just to spite him. They love to fight and are stubborn as shit. Never ask a Born Here where she's from or anything about her parents' country. In fact, it's better to stereotype them as something English. If she's from Newcastle say, "The problem with all you Northern types is how fat you get after a lifetime of burgers and lager." That shows you love her as a person, an English person, and you don't even remember what race she is.

BLACKS
We could write a whole article about this subject alone because, despite what the mature student anthropologists tell you, black girls are different. To understand black girls you have to understand black guys. They are not indie-rock nerds. They lie a lot and they are never clingy. That means a) she is going to be totally sceptical about you from the get-go and b) if you are even the least bit clingy you are gone.

When you come up to her do the basic "talking, laughing, fucking" school of thought but DO NOT talk about race. If she wants to bring it up that's fine, but you don't care. Just calmly buy her a drink and don't be fazed when she acts like she doesn't give a shit. Nobody gets a black girl talking without at least one "not interested."

If you didn't know that, you probably have no fucking clue what you're getting into. Other crucial facts include: they are all scared of Marilyn Manson; they hate it when you step on the carpet; they think Chinese food is exotic and Thai food is from outer space; they love it when you call their parents "Sir" and "Ma'am;" they won't give you a blowjob for the first few months; they roll their eyes when you watch the Discovery channel; they will spend all day getting ready to go out; and finally, they cannot comprehend why anyone would listen to hardcore by choice (Minor Threat = white noise). Oh, and NEVER touch her fucking hair. That shit costs hundreds of pounds a month and if you fuck with it even in the slightest she will beat the shit out of you. Understand? She can't even get it wet. That's why they're all so scared of rain and swimming. They can't have a shower for the first few days after having their hair done and every night that shit gets wrapped up. That's why doggy style is so popular.

If you can get through all that and still get her home, the fact that your dick is not 11 inches long and you can't fuck for more than 20 minutes is not exactly great news. However, you perform cunnilingus and that makes up for a lot (that's why black girls call white guys "Freaky"). Getting a black chick is one of the hardest things in the world, but once you finally gain her trust she will do anything for you. She will have your babies, get your name tattooed on her ass, and slap the shit out of any woman who looks at you. They're kind of like Parisians: mean at first but down for life once you get in there.

NONDRINKERS
Shit, I don't envy you, dude. Without "panty remover" you are looking at hours and hours of talking before anything happens. Like, the sun is going to be up. The only advice we can give for these hopeless causes is to get some kind of mutual interest (like a band that you go see) and then have a way to link that into getting her home (to hear more music from that band). If that doesn't work, try a road trip. Nothing pulls a girl out of the friend zone like a road trip to Scotland. What are you going to do, spoon in the hotel and just fall asleep? Pshaw.

LATINAS
This one's easy. NOBODY but Latino guys can lay Latina girls. Nobody even KNOWS these girls. You might as well try to fuck dead movie stars like Greta Garbo or Lily St. Claire or someone.

10s
Way-out-of-your-league super-hot girls are so hard to get that it's usually not even worth it. The good news is you yourself don't have to be that hot. They are surrounded by hot every day and are desperate to get some substance in their lives (that's why they write songs). Are you a producer, promoter, director…? Maybe you didn't hear me well enough. Are you a producer or a promoter (wink, wink)? Oh, cool, well maybe you could help her out with her shitty clothing line or her incredibly gay poems. Nobody takes 10s seriously, so if you even remember her name she's going to be impressed.
Actually, hold on—why do you want to fuck a 10 so badly? They are so fucking lame and stupid you're going to be bored out of your skull 95% of the time. We suggest you, 10s, and the cold-call dudes fuck off and stop reading this magazine. We hate you.

GAVIN McINNES
The reason why this layout is different from normal layouts is because The Vice Guide To Picking Up Chicks is also available as a v..limited edition poster. For more info, email poster@viceuk.com.