Chris Nieratko's Tidbits

Chris Nieratko’s Tidbits

MAMMY LABEL I don’t even know what product this label is from. I just bought it because it reminded me of my friend Clyde’s sense of humor. He may be the funniest kid I know. He’ll say shit like, “Want to see a funny picture of me?” Then he’ll point to a picture of a monkey. The guy at the flea market I bought this from was also selling armbands from dead concentration camps, but he told me they were $100 apiece. I said, “They aren’t worth that kind of money.” I think he misunderstood what I meant because he started yelling at me about the plight of the imprisoned Jews, saying that I didn’t think his people’s lives were worth $100. I was like, “What the fuck are you talking about? I just meant you can find them cheaper on eBay, asshole.”

NAPKIN DRAWING
I drew this picture of me and my wife at my brother’s bar while drinking Guinness. I guess you had to be there.

MOVING VIOLATIONS
I’ve been waiting 20 years for them to release this movie on DVD. This is the sleeper comedy of the 80s starring none other than Bill Murray’s little brother John Murray. Who? Who cares? He’s awesome. And there’s this little old lady who can’t see who takes a piss sitting in a men’s urinal and says, “Why’s my back all wet?” This is perhaps the best movie ever.

AA COINS
I got these coins when the court required that I attend AA meetings for drinking and driving. One side says, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” It all made me laugh. AA is just another form of dependency. On the flip side it says, “Keep coming back.” I went once and never returned. I did try to slip these into a soda machine, but they didn’t fit.

ANTIHERO BEER HIDER THING
I don’t even know what these things are called, but you know what I’m talking about. They wrap around your beer and make it look like a coke. How awesome is that? Especially when you’re 12?
(Click to enlarge)

SHUT STICKER
When I was a kid, Shut Skateboards were the coolest boards on earth. Fags rode Boner Brigades boards, but tough kids had Shut decks. Now they’re back and they are going to fuck shit up.

CANADIAN DOCUMENT
Canada wouldn’t let me in unless I bought this work visa for $150 because my criminal record was too long. They also said I couldn’t come back for five years. What’s up with Canada?

EIGHTH GRADE DIPLOMA
This is very important to me because it was the highest level in school I ever achieved. I am, in fact, a high school dropout. Notice how my confirmation name is Xavier. I chose it because I was super into the X-Men. And my mom wouldn’t let me pick Adolf.

BLACK ALTAR BOY
When I was in fifth grade, they gave everyone in my Catholic school altar boys to write our name on and then hang in the hallway. I colored mine in black and they refused to hang it up. Actually, they called my parents and I got suspended for a week. I guess my school was racist.

Comments:

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Subject: lies! again!
Date: Sep 16 2007 09:42:42 AM
Author: amber

you did indeed graduate from high school - we all have witnesses.

Subject: beer wrappa´
Date: Feb 13 2006 03:33:23 AM
Author: Caesar von Bluntenbachen II

yes sir! I´ve got one of those beer hider things. Though I haven´t known what it is until now..

Subject: trafic school
Date: Jan 31 2006 02:19:55 PM
Author: movie

bill murray's lil bro. ill check it out.

Subject: Canada
Date: Jan 14 2006 01:14:54 AM
Author: Donald Rumsfeltcher

At least Canada let you in. I have one minor drug charge and the USofA won't let me in.

Subject: Tidbits
Date: Jan 05 2006 10:20:16 AM
Author: Shock-n-Awe

Holy shit, Chris Nieratko actually wrote something for VICE that wasn't a pretenious, boring piece of shit?!? Happy New Year, indeed...

Subject: loser patrol smells like balls
Date: Dec 31 2005 08:00:47 PM
Author: Cool Tommy

The beer hider things are re-useable- Now whos 'fagola'......................dog cunt

Subject: porn
Date: Dec 24 2005 03:47:16 PM
Author: el ronoso

what the fuck is this lack of skinema? fuckery.

Subject: i hate humor
Date: Dec 22 2005 04:41:05 PM
Author: jebus athankya

come the fuck on babies. i read shit to complain about things too, i even watched the entire season of prison break except the last episode just to complain about how it is the most over hyped garbage soap on broadcast television... but c'mon, chris is one of those guys out there that invented what we now call, a sense of humor. i dunno, but i think black santa xmas decorations are funny and i thank you for that chris.

Subject: i have seen anew
Date: Dec 22 2005 02:31:35 AM
Author: luvver

nierkato's married?

how the fuck did that happen!

Subject: fuck you
Date: Dec 22 2005 01:50:25 AM
Author: aj

fuck you hipster losers. Chris has contributed to the culture of skateboarding longer than you fuckers even know. many of us grew up on shit devised by this asshole and his friends. beer can stickers are nastalgia not a fucking 3$ price increase to a beer(their free stickers at shops you fucking twits)

i know his sarcastic and dry style seems played out like he's trying to fit into vice but this guy is one of the originators of early 90's counter culture publication. yeah its potty humor, yes its juvenile, BUT its a loose sense of humor like that which has developed the current culture to where you can laugh at the word "n!gger" in the privacy of your white friends, and feel fucking rebellious.

keep biting punk and skating counter culture while grooving to the Arcade Fire you tools.

Subject: crush
Date: Dec 21 2005 05:54:01 AM
Author: L Ron

sounds like dee snutts has a crush on tony hawk.

Subject: You Suck
Date: Dec 20 2005 06:00:04 PM
Author: Mr Munch

you guys are the biggest group of haters and shit-talkers i have ever seen.

Subject: chris queeratko
Date: Dec 20 2005 03:56:20 PM
Author: dee snutts

no one could ever figure out what you were doing writing for Big Brother when you dont skate. Same when you opened your skateshop. yeah, SHUT was the bomb, but why would you talk shit about Powell SINCE YOUR NOT A SKATER, you kook.

Subject: good stuff
Date: Dec 20 2005 12:49:58 PM
Author: nicholas

I like this Chris Nieratko. He is a funny guy who I can relate to.

Subject: duh
Date: Dec 20 2005 04:43:38 AM
Author: Woah Nelly

Then there are these totally worthless migrant worker sophisticates who tell you "oh yeah, i saw this rad movie, where these guys like duel, with these swords made of light, uh, lightsabers, yeah! that shit was rad"... yeah, dude, it's called Star Wars, the rest of the world checked in on that sometime in the 1970s...

How in the world did an alcoholic scumbag ever get through life not knowing what the serenity prayer is? I think Canada probably short-changed itself.

Subject: keep it reawl
Date: Dec 19 2005 05:27:41 PM
Author: loser patrol

There's a brand of fifty cent soda in Brooklyn called "cool tommys" and if you take the wrapper it fits perfectly around a 16 ounce beer. Yeah, it's not as cool as a five dollar skate brand sticker you would use to drink a one dollar beer outside but if that's the sort of math that makes sense to you there's a good chance you prefer the taste of smirnoff ice to king cobra anyway... fagola.

Subject: use of expletives and smartness and not
Date: Dec 19 2005 03:28:51 PM
Author: so cool

dude, chris, you're so cool man. i love the way you write. so sophisticated. your self-deprecating humor is original and your whole shtick is so fresh. wow, i can't believe you had trouble getting into canada. must have been tough. can't you go and crawl under a rock and die. or at least go smoke some of that rock with all your fiending homo-friends? please?

Subject: my backpack
Date: Dec 18 2005 09:54:53 PM
Author: chippy caps

ive got a ton of them in there- try buying a skateboard... oh you dont skate? you cant have one.

Subject: wertrwertw
Date: Dec 18 2005 02:33:25 PM
Author: rewrtwertw

man , where do u find those beer wrap things?

Subject: Stick it to the man.
Date: Dec 18 2005 10:24:14 AM
Author: two ton testicle

Fuck that, Chris, you don't need no new dependencies. Keep drinking and driving and maybe one day, after you splatter someone's innocent kid all over your windshield, you can be the cool dude in prison talking to your cellies about how they tried to change you but you can't be told what to do.

You know, in between mouthfulls of black dick, that is.

Subject: dangus
Date: Dec 17 2005 07:25:03 PM
Author: fah q

the napkin drawing is awesome and I didn't have to be there...

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