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These first two items pretty much saved my life for a few years back in the day. One’s a broken heavy-duty magnet and the other is a dollar bill with some tape on the very tip to stretch it out an extra foot. If you can’t figure it out by now, you probably aren’t criminally inclined.

The altered dollar doesn’t really work on the new fandangled vending machines, but on the old ones you can get as much candy, sodas, or chips as you want—and up to $50 in change a pop.

As soon as the machine reads the dollar you rip it out. It took me a few sacrificed dollars to get it just right, but this dollar right here is the one. I squeezed over a grand out of this buck.

As for the magnet, go to basically any store that has a metal detector, rub the magnet over a product a few times, and it demagnetizes the security device. I won’t tell you how much I got away with using this doohickey, but it’s more than what some people make in a year.

Sometimes I just got lazy and hid stuff in a huge hat on top of my head so that I was taller than the security system, then just walked out. I don’t use these tactics anymore because I’m a good person and I want to build up my credit.

Then we have my homemade marker. I don’t know if they make this flavor of deodorant anymore, but back in the early 90s, Teen Spirit was very popular. This particular style was called Totally Fresh, and it really was.

I’m Asian, so I don’t really smell and didn’t need deodorant until after I got fat, so I took the deodorant part out, cut a chalkboard eraser in half, used candle wax to seal the bottom of the Teen Spirit, filled it halfway with permanent black ink, and then jammed the eraser on top. It’s the fattest homemade marker around. I wrote so much stupid shit on walls with this. And the thing about permanent ink is it takes a million layers of paint to block it out. With only two or three layers to cover it, in about 24 hours the black ink starts to bleed through and win! How many thousands of dollars in property damage can one stick of deodorant leave? The world may never know.


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Comments:
Subject: fuck yes
Date: Jan 31 2006 02:31:18 PM
Author: yes

damn this shit was great. taped dollar here i come!!!!!

Subject: other asians
Date: Jan 30 2006 04:14:21 PM
Author: Gook

Yes, the lower rung of asians are what I affectionately refer to as dog asians.Peace.

Subject: snark
Date: Jan 12 2006 09:49:40 AM
Author: snork

David Choe is a real self-centered, asshole. But I really like his art.

Subject: stab you in the face
Date: Jan 11 2006 09:55:19 PM
Author: howie

Asians are the most racist people in the world. They just don't have their feet up their asses about it.

Go live in China, Japan, Korea, or Taiwan.

Every girl openly admits that she's afraid of blacks.

They all believe white skin, blonde hair, and blue eyes is the most beautiful of all the races.

There is no such thing as being just "Asian." You are either Chinese, Japanese, Korean, etc... If you're any of the lower rung Asians like Vietnamese or dark skinned Chinese than you're basically a fucking dog.

Subject: words
Date: Jan 06 2006 02:48:00 PM
Author: damnstraight

this brings back great memories. its wonderful when you fuck a machine over - especially when you need the $.

Subject: best article ever
Date: Jan 04 2006 12:37:21 AM
Author: Paul

this David Choe guy kicks fucking ass

Subject: racist
Date: Jan 03 2006 10:08:37 AM
Author: asian

i'm totally racist and i love it. it doesn't mean i'm a bad person though. i get along.

Subject: gee
Date: Dec 31 2005 12:32:26 AM
Author: friend,

thas right this guy is badass. o wait, or he's just from out of the country.. o yeah that explains it

Subject: doi
Date: Dec 28 2005 05:12:08 AM
Author: bloodfarts

everyone should already know all of this already, already.

Subject: tools of the trade
Date: Dec 27 2005 11:04:44 PM
Author: heh

i wish i thought of this crap 10 years ago.

oh and dave is a cool guy. i met him right after he finished his prison sentence in tokyo.

Subject: love not hate
Date: Dec 27 2005 05:19:02 PM
Author: deodorant

Why are you calling him racists? This is absurd coming from white people who have been stereotyping every race and ethnic group around the world?

This reverse dicriminaion strategy is out dated and stupid?

Subject: i.h.d.c.
Date: Dec 25 2005 11:25:03 PM
Author: charlie

now i know what all the fuss about david choe was all about.

Subject: asians
Date: Dec 21 2005 09:06:27 AM
Author: c-dilla

"everyone is so racist against asians
it the "ok- to -discriminate" race"

Asians are THE MOST racist people, EVER, and should never be allowed to call anyone else racist, ever again.

Subject: Money
Date: Dec 21 2005 12:42:34 AM
Author: Justin

Hooray for this article. Single redemption of the entire issue.

Subject: racist
Date: Dec 20 2005 11:58:14 PM
Author: rasist

everyone is so racist against asians
it the "ok- to -discriminate" race

Subject: magic dollar
Date: Dec 20 2005 05:02:49 PM
Author: Reggie

I used to have one of those magic dollars too. If you didn't have enough money for the train, you'd use it on the highschool candy machine and buy two snickers. It paid you a dollar for two candy bars. awesome. It didn't take long until everyone in school had one though and then the machine ran out of money and candy, so they got rid of it.

Subject: art faxdsa
Date: Dec 20 2005 12:31:48 PM
Author: nicholas

David Choe should consider learning how to draw.

Subject: stank
Date: Dec 20 2005 03:10:36 AM
Author: Pablo Neruda

I live in Japan and my girlfriend is Japanese, and she has a small deoderant thing that is about the size of a large gumball--- in comparison I have a large stick of some sort of american brand... oh man, I am having so much shame now, I'm in a spiral.

Also, you can steal and have good credit, doye.

Subject: 1up
Date: Dec 19 2005 10:43:07 PM
Author: mike

the deodorant stick was okay.....
but the real pros use VHS tapes.

Subject: This guy
Date: Dec 19 2005 10:45:17 PM
Author: Sally

This guy is fucking awesome

Subject: high five
Date: Dec 19 2005 10:28:56 PM
Author: whoevs

high five for this guy

Subject: job
Date: Dec 19 2005 10:17:41 PM
Author: good

best article in this issue, hands down.

Subject: thanks
Date: Dec 19 2005 06:48:17 PM
Author: ziggy

finally some practical advice!!

Subject: deodorant
Date: Dec 19 2005 07:41:20 AM
Author: stinky pete

It's fucking true.

I'm here rotting away in Asia and the only deodorant I can find is a pathetic bar of compacted baby powder.

Subject: bbbb
Date: Dec 18 2005 07:30:26 PM
Author: bbbb

this guy is a total idiot. i know it for a fact. he's a pussy too.

Subject: asian smelling
Date: Dec 18 2005 09:33:02 AM
Author: grande

i am in korea and i wish asians smelled because you can't get deordorant anywhere!

Subject: Nice
Date: Dec 17 2005 09:28:48 PM
Author: Mind

This guy's the best.

Subject: keepin it bazinian
Date: Dec 17 2005 12:54:27 PM
Author: malecek

this is dope. asians are the smartest, or should i say craftiest race (or should i say ethnicity because we're all part of the human race right?). he reminds me of the chinese kid from goonies

Subject: well
Date: Dec 17 2005 01:27:14 AM
Author: well

"I don’t use these tactics anymore because I’m a good person and I want to build up my credit."

I wish I was American so I could vote for you for president.

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