Real horror fans are nerds who want revenge. We root for our favorite villains the whole way through the film because we WANT the innocents to be killed and tortured. Therein lies the fun. That’s why the victims of all the slasher films are preppy football players and their gorgeous girlfriends. They are the people who beat up horror fans in school.

To be a real nerdy horror film you need: 1. body counts in the double figures; 2. a plot that’s paper-thin and mainly concerned with racing from one deserted locale to another; 3. deaths that are protracted and enjoyable to sadists; 4. a superhuman murderer into whom you can project all your anger and frustration towards normal society with each slash of his ax, blade, screwdriver, or chainsaw.

We set out to decide who’s the best slasher. Old men like Dracula and Frankenstein were banned. So was Damien from The Omen because he is the devil incarnate and that’s just unfair. The Evil Dead was more than one person, ditto all the Cannibal Apocalypse / Holocaust films. Things like the New York Ripper and the Toolbox Murders guys were disqualified because they only made one movie.

With the rulebook firmly gripped in our sweaty palms, we asked the director of necrophiliac video nasty Nekromantik, Jörg Buttgereit, and star of Halloween II and III Dick Warlock to help us decide.

	FREDDY KRUEGER, THE BASTARD SON OF 10,000 MANIACS Named after a kid who bullied Wes Craven at school, Freddy may have many inventive ways of eviscerating big-breasted chicks, but recently he was beaten and beheaded in a fight by Jason Voorhees in Freddy vs. Jason. We talked to horror legend Dick Warlock, who told us: “The first thing you have to realize is that Freddy is a dream. He can appear anytime, anywhere. So it isn’t really a fair fight.” Hmm. Jörg Buttgereit’s opinion: “He works well in the first film, but then he fails miserably. The king of the child molesters was Albert Fish, and Freddy is somehow a mainstream version of this guy, trying to fuck children in their nightmares.” Ew. Horror rating: 6
	MICHAEL MYERS, THE WAYWARD BROTHER Mike’s scary factor is lessened when you realize that his mask is in fact, inexplicably, a mold of William Shatner’s face. Actually, does that make him more scary? Another reason why Mike isn’t all that comes from Dick Warlock: “The only psychology I had in my head for the role was my check at the end of the week,” he admitted to us. Don’t you feel let down? Maybe Freddy was a pedophile, but at least Robert Englund based his whole life around that part. Jörg’s opinion: “I think that Carpenter was afraid of showing a normal killer, so he came up with this whole blank no-expression mask idea where the people can see their fears reflected or whatever. Boring.” Horror rating: 6.3
	LEATHERFACE, THE SOUTHERN MOMMY’S BOY Did you see the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre? They should have called it Jessica Biel’s Tits-ass Titsaw Ass-acre. Jesus, how bad is that film? It takes some points off Tobe Hooper and Kim Henkel’s creation, who, despite having that homely apron-wearing farmhand look down pat, is a mommy’s boy based on the worst serial killer ever, Ed Gein. Jörg’s opinion: “I love this character. He is probably my favorite one. Leatherface is the classical ultra-horny redneck trying to fuck girls with his motor chainsaw dick.” Oooohkaaaaye. Horror rating: 7
	REGAN MCNEIL, DEMON VESSEL The Exorcist is rated “Scariest Film Ever” by Chas Balun from Deep Red Magazine, but when it comes to a battle between the big guys, how is a little girl, albeit one possessed by the devil, ever going to win? She’s going to say bad things about their mothers and make the room all icy? Big whup. The big guys all hate their mother already. She can only hope to win against normal people like us. Jörg’s opinion: “Linda Blair is the perfect example of kids gone wild because their hippie parents were afraid of not being cool. The Exorcist portrays in a very clever way the fears of this flower-power generation—rebel kids with secrets and answers.” Horror rating: 5
	SAMARA, THE GIRL DOWN THE WELL Fans of art-house cinema love to waffle on about how much they shit their pants watching this film, but they’re all lying. People shit their pants when they watch it because it’s so boring and overlong that their bowels evacuate in protest. Ooh! The ringing telephone! That’s a new one. And the spooky magic well? Who is scared of wells anymore, besides toddlers in Texas? When’s the last time you even saw a well? When you see her eye at the end it’s kind of scary, but the rest of the film is like waiting for a kettle to boil for two hours. Jörg’s opinion: “Like in all those new Japanese movies, the bad character is a cute Japanese girl.” Horror rating: 5
	CHUCKY, KITSCHY DEVIL DOLL You wouldn’t look twice at this gay, stripy-shirted little bitch if you saw him in your sister’s bedroom, but when you see the actual films and consider that those two little bastards from Liverpool who murdered three-year-old James Bulger used to watch Child’s Play around the clock, the films take on a supremely nasty air. Jörg’s opinion: “I guess he came out in a period where all this media stuff about video games and violence in TV shows transforming kids into psychopaths was going on. He looks like he’s high all the time or something.” Horror rating: 8.4
	CARRIE, QUEEN OF PMS Not that scary at first glance, but she killed her whole fucking school on prom night. Not even the guy from, um, Prom Night managed that glorious feat. Every person in the world, man and woman, knows the monthly apocalypse of PMS. When you couple that insanity with the deadly power of telekinesis you get an instant bloodbath. This puts her almost at the top of the pile. Even the amazingly terrible 90s nu-metal goth sequel doesn’t count against her here. Jörg’s opinion: “Carrie is a loser who can’t deal with the cheerleaders. I see the whole movie as a giant fuck. Carrie is metaphorically fucked by John Travolta when he drops all that blood on her white dress. Carrie is all about sexual freedom and first experiences, which is normally more related to vampire movies.” Sorry, Jörg, but we don’t agree. You sound like an angry horror nerd. Oh wait—you are. Horror rating: 8.9
	JASON VORHEES, THE SCOURGE OF CRYSTAL LAKE It took till Part 3 for Jason to get his mask. Before that he was just a mong with a bag on his head. The idea for the mask and Jason’s fucked-up face came from gore-FX legend Tom Savini and character creator Ron Kurz. He changed into a metal-clad martian in Jason X and delivered the most vicious killing of any slasher film with his first kill in Freddy vs. Jason. His brutality is unending. Jörg’s opinion: “He’s a very dumb character. He is a conservative right-wing Nazi slashing young couples that want to have sex. He punishes them for the freedom they possess. In my opinion he’s the worst of all those characters.” Sorry, Jörg, but according to our man Dick Warlock, “Out of all these characters it’s going to be between Jason and me. If Michael keeps getting physically larger as these films progress, he has a shot. Otherwise Jason, being as big as he is, will whip Michael.” Horror rating: 9 RESULT: JASON vs. CARRIE The franchise starts here. JÖRG BUTTGEREIT AND ANDY CAPPER