THAI RED BULL
Our ad sales girl Claire just got back from Thailand where she had an argument with a travel agent over a trip to Phuket. The travel agent told her: "No, no, big wave there, this other beach better" and because Claire hadn't heard the news about the tsunami, she thought the guy was trying to trick her into buying a more expensive trip (fucking foreigners). She told him: "do one mate!" then went and got drunk on a bottle on whiskey and this bottle of Red Bull extract, which is the equivalent of drinking 20 cans in one go. The hangover guilt the next day was hugely intensified by the news that everybody in Phuket was dead.
BANANA SNAPPLE
Have you fucking tried this?! It is too much. After the first chug you're like, "I could drink a THOUSAND of these" and then bang, it's gone. And then the guy who is supposed to be doing the photographs for the Tidbits looks at you and is like, "dude."
THIS BOOK
Just so you know. This is NOT a joke. Gary Brander is the guy who did The Howling. He is also the guy who wrote this 20-page mini murder mystery about a guy in a squirrel costume that killed a guy. What was he thinking? What is that squirrel thinking?
WHISKEY FLAVOURED CONDOMS
We got these in Glasgow and have no idea if they're kidding or not. On the one hand it says "do not use while driving" which must be a joke but then, it was in a public bathroom and it is a normal functioning condom with all the normal condom stuff about it. Those people are fucking insane.
HITLER PEZ
This is actually anti-racist and anti-the patriarchy. Every time you go to get a candy the fascist imperial sexism has to twist its head back and you take it out the throat. If that's not fucking shit up and smashing the system what is? Sieg Heil my ass!
SEX PISTOLS RUSSIAN TEA DOLL
We picked this up in Prague and it was a bargain at £5 but why does the Sid one say "no drugs"? And why does he have the face of Tony Danza? That would be a good name for a hardcore band eh? The Face of Tony Danza. That would be cool if someone read this and started a band and they became so huge that people in Prague started making Russian Tea Dolls of them and then we wrote about it here—again!
CUNNILINGUS BELT BUCKLES
True eating a girl out isn't really cheating but make sure you wash your forehead afterwards. Remember in The Unbearable Lightness of Being where Daniel Day-Lewis gets busted by Juliette Binoche because she smells pussy on his forehead? You have to wash your whole face.
BIFI ROLL
This is a Belgian version of one of those Pepperami-in-a-piece-of-bread-in-a-greasy-plastic-wrapper things that they phased out a couple of years ago because not even dogs would eat them. We don't know if they called it "Bifi" after people with spina bifida because it's retarded to make a product like this but even if they did, that's not as offensive and nose-fucking as the odour of Bifi when you crack open the packaging. This isn't food, it's an anti-rape device.
SILVER COKE STRAW
The girl who brought this in was kind of depressed about it because she just got back from rehab. She was kind of sighing when she pulled it out of the box like a burn victim handing you his little black book. She was all, "I won't be needing this anymore."
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