Wolfmother are three skinny indie-looking puffs from Australia who look like they can't handle their ale and only get erections every five days, and then only after taking ten Viagra, a bottle of poppers and listening to Kylie Minogue and Erasure while pissed on Lambrini.

I first met them at the Crobar in London where the singer Andrew was pouring pound coins into the jukebox while I was standing next to it with my friend Chris who, like me, is an old fucker who's been into metal for ages.

Aha, I thought, another trendy indie knobhead playing Slayer and Pantera (RIP Dimebag) because he thinks it's ironic. Turns out he was selecting Sabbath, Zeppelin and my personal favourites Saxon and that he's an authority on Iron Maiden's family tree and how it intertwines with the moons of Mercury. We got to talking and it turns out that he's actually a nice fellow, albeit Australian. Later that week (it was November), I saw them play and I was really shocked at how heavy it sounded. Like Black Sabbath and The White Stripes but played by short-haired wimps, the kind you usually find passed out or crying in the bogs at rock night.

Why do you look like this when you play this sort of music? Are you gay?
Well I can say that generally my girlfriend and I are quite happy. But dude if you're feeling that energy then that's okay man. Be at one with it. I'm sure on your next trip to Australia you will make many new friends that will be sympathetic to your concerns. It's all gonna be okay.

What about that band Jet that rip off AC/DC? Are they gay?
They too are quite open-minded to sexual orientation. Don't worry man, just choose your time and you will find out who your friends are and the rest will fall into place.

Umm. They asked me to do this interview and it's going to be in the Special Issue. Do Australians think it's funny to make fun of people with disabilities?
My girlfriend's brother has a six-year-old daughter with cerebral palsy. She has beautiful eyes and a great spirit. The few times that I've met her and spent time with her I've got a very calming vibe from her. I guess seeing someone who's suffered so much kind of puts your own problems into perspective.

BRUISER MCGEE
Bruiser McGee is one of Britain's oldest heavy metal roadies. He is writing under a pseudonym. Wolfmother have an amazing EP out now on Modular People.