HOME SURGERY PARTY - How to Operate on Your Guests

Doctors are boring. They don't have borders, true, but they also don't have any fucking clue what is going on. Doctors Without Remedies, they ought to be called. Who are they anyway? Do they just make up this shit? Like, take that hammer thing they do when they hit you on the knee and say, "Good reflexes." Did you know that exercise is total and utter horseshit? Try it out on a decathlon runner and then try it on a terminal cancer patient. Notice a difference? Me neither. In fact, it seems the only thing doctors are good for these days is giving you hep C from going to visit their disease-ridden hospitals.

In short, fuck doctors and all the bullshit that comes out of their mouths. We're smarter than them and we can probably figure out half the shit they know just based on common sense, especially if the patient is shitfaced at a party.

Here, let me prove it to you. Last Saturday our man Gordon noticed a huge lump growing out of the back of his head. He could have gone to the doctor and had hours of bullshit tests and this and that and that and this, or he could just have us figure it out ourselves. After about 13 beers we decided on the latter. Let's do dis.

PATIENT'S AILMENT: Huge thing in back of head. Feels like there is something in there.

DIAGNOSIS: Get it out of head.

TOOLS: Aspirin, razor blade, frying pan, iodine, cotton balls, paper towels, ice…and tons of booze

TREATMENT: Sterilize equipment and then cut the fucking thing out of his head. Tell it never to come back again.

PREPARATION:

1.	As we boiled the razor we were thinking to ourselves, "This is probably bullshit. What's on there that needs to be boiled off, tar?" We did it anyway, however, and would only let the surgeon (nobody else) touch it after it cooled down.
2.	The surgeon was forced to wash his hands extra carefully. He had been up late the night before burning himself with cigarettes as a dare and that means a lot of open sores that can carry germs.
3.	Thankfully, the patient was able to isolate the cyst with his fingers. This helped our surgeon because he could now get a grip on exactly how much shit was in there. Will it be one hard ball? Will it be a bunch of chunky garbage? Who knows? The point is, that thing does not look like it belongs in there so it will need to be cut out.
4.	OK, this is the gross part. The patient has doused his head in iodine and some other white shit we forgot the name of. He has also chugged several beers and taken four aspirin. This means his blood is very thin and is about to be all over the fucking place. At tattoo parlors you get in shit for that, but not here. Are we going to complain about a bit of extra blood? Does the mailman complain when it rains? The home surgeon's motto is, "Through blood and booze and sleet and snow, we will cut shit out of your head." Anyway, we got in there real carefully by making slow incisions to the cyst, back and forth, back and forth, until a vagina-shaped gash appeared in the center of the lump.
5.	Once the hole was big enough, our surgeon was able to work the junk out of the bump. It had a rubbery texture like if someone had chewed up an eraser. After a bit of squeezing and massaging we were able to remove 100% of the cyst. It was at this time we decided it was either a calcium deposit or a cancerous brain tumor. It was definitely not botfly larvae as one person had suggested.
6.	We decided to put some more iodine on the wound because it was bleeding like crazy and that was kind of freaking us out.
7.	Unlike most hospitals, our surgeon allowed the patient to play with his discharge immediately after the operation. The patient was very intrigued by the stuff and asked, "Are you sure you got it all out?" to which our surgeon replied, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I kept working it and working it, and by the end it was just big blobs of blood."
8.	After the patient became comfortable with his removed cyst he decided to eat it. There are probably amazing amounts of protein in that thing and, even if it's toxic, his stomach acid will be able to break it down. This had a gross-out factor of approximately 10.
9.	Patient care involved no antibiotics and no Polysporin bullshit. It was determined that all pills do is weaken the patient's immunity and all creams do is suffocate the wound. The patient was put on a strict regimen of soap and water, which he followed religiously.
10.	A week later, the wound had healed. It looked not unlike a mouth and seemed to be begging for a cartoon face to be drawn on. So we did.

The patient claims his home surgery experience was "fun" and he has had no complications since. NEXT!

BIG BOBBY WINSLOW

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Date: Sep 29 2007 12:54:00 PM
Author: TDG

What about MRSA? You are almost as dumb as the president.......almost. You are angry at the insurance companies not the physicians. They do test to rule out diseases that you don't know about. That thing you removed could have been cancerous and removing it the way you did would be catastrophically bad for the person that you took it out of.

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Author: stiltskin

The best part about this whole scenario is that a doctor would have charged this guy a few hundred dollars to do all kinds of unnecessary stuff, x-ray his head, take blood tests, maybe even an MRI. This alternative-brutal medicine kicks ass. Literally, the insurance companies ass.

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Date: Sep 04 2007 03:43:02 AM
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Date: Aug 23 2007 08:37:43 PM
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Subject:
Date: May 27 2007 09:03:04 PM
Author: gypsy

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Subject: Uch.
Date: Feb 20 2006 12:41:40 PM
Author: Urethra Franklin

Once i tried to attempt to try this, and a teacup popped out of my nose, bleeding furiousley. it bled unforgivingley slightly. however, once, a slight amount of blood touched my nose, dripping onto my lip. it tasted ever so slightley like barbaque sauce. simply delicious! uch. doctor, please.

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Date: Feb 20 2006 12:25:32 PM
Author: jeffrey

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Subject: Bleeding
Date: Dec 27 2005 07:20:37 AM
Author: Some Wanker Trainee Surgeon

It was the aspirin and beer made that wound bleed like fuck.

He shoulda dosed up on 2 panadol+codeine and two ibuprofen+codeine (then u get the 40 mg codeine with the max dose of paracetamol and ibuprofen - can take these two the same time but no more than normal dose otherwise liver and kidney damage). And then about four cones of dope rather than beer.

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Subject: congratulations
Date: Sep 24 2004 01:21:51 PM
Author: jsm

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i recommend u to extract the little calcium concretions in the tonsils of a friend. it smells very funny. i know what im saying, im a doctor.

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Author: jakob.com

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Date: Jul 11 2004 12:55:09 PM
Author: b.r.

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Date: Jul 10 2004 09:22:43 PM
Author: deedeegurl

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Author: alby

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Date: Jun 25 2004 02:34:30 PM
Author: wildebeast

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Subject: figure 8
Date: Jun 24 2004 12:02:01 PM
Author: unfuckwithable

That 8th picture right there is the money shot. What the hell is it MADE of?

Home surgery seems like way less of a joke to me now...

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Date: Jun 24 2004 02:56:50 AM
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Date: Jun 23 2004 11:17:50 AM
Author: jw

Man this is insane well in canada its free so. But man who ever was the surgone was eh a real surgon or some guy playing doctor really crazy shit.

Subject: fuck it
Date: Jun 23 2004 09:36:27 AM
Author: moron

i've got a lump growing between my legs, and you can be damn sure i'm gonna eat the shit once i've cut it off ... hairs and all!

Subject: Thats just gross
Date: Jun 23 2004 02:43:54 AM
Author: Louie

Really gross

Subject: !@#$%^&*()
Date: Jun 21 2004 10:45:10 PM
Author: Space Cadet

For far to long the Medical industry has flown under the RADAR. My hat goes off to Vice for showing doctors to be the fraudulant man butchers they are.

Subject: mais oui
Date: Jun 19 2004 11:37:35 PM
Author: mateo

Go on about doctors being bullshit. Rich bastards for nothing, DIY!

I say you're a bunch of pussy fags for using iodine. With that guy's hairdo it would seem that he'd prefer some gangrenous growth coming outta the back of his head. He'll get laid from this article from some skanky cow with a mullet and genital warts.

I applaud you. Good writing.

Subject: attention!
Date: Jun 19 2004 04:46:22 PM
Author: chantal

Be it coincidence, but I have a small lump (which I think is also a cyst) at the top of my neck. So what I'm saying is... Who wants to cut me?!

Subject: My salsa
Date: Jun 17 2004 03:52:47 PM
Author: Hot Sauce

Why am I turned on after looking at this?

Subject: Amateur surgery is HOT HOT HOT
Date: Jun 17 2004 01:01:08 PM
Author: Arch Rivals

I keep an X-acto wood carving kit around just in case. I've tried removing my wisdom teeth several times because they hurt like a bitch and I can't afford to have them removed... It does not work. Those fuckers are in there.

Subject: shit
Date: Jun 17 2004 12:07:47 PM
Author: oMFG

That is the fucking most disgusting wrong fucked up shit i have ever seen.

Subject: eeee.
Date: Jun 17 2004 10:39:09 AM
Author: monia

I don't belive that he ate it. No way.
Monia

Subject: dfgfsg
Date: Jun 16 2004 05:08:24 PM
Author: sdfgersg

OMG$(# grossout.

Subject: lovely
Date: Jun 15 2004 07:48:39 AM
Author: fightingnewfoundlander

wonderful.

Subject: fucking christ
Date: Jun 15 2004 05:00:16 AM
Author: Santesh

Home surgery is where it's at. I watched someone set there own broken nose once. You could hear it crunching and everything. That was a great night. There was so much post-fight blood on the floor that it started coagulating in big clumpy pools. Gross.

Subject: shitfaced
Date: Jun 15 2004 01:52:29 AM
Author: Benola

Dude needs to channel his frustration better. his Dad was always ragging on him to wise up at school, you know be a doctor like him and his dad and his freeking dead dad - bullshit. So every weekend him and his gummo looking pals get drunk and let him cut chunks out of their head and other bits. 'Fuck you dad' he sobs in his mates bath at the end of the night, while his drunk pals call phone sex lines.

Subject: the unbearable lightness of being
Date: Jun 13 2004 11:15:25 AM
Author: poinçonneur des lilas

that wound was fucking tiny
you shouldn't have included any pictures
it was better in my head

Subject: nice
Date: Jun 13 2004 02:04:35 AM
Author: gay dad

you should write more articles about how professionals don't know shit. and DIYin it!

Subject: good gore!
Date: Jun 12 2004 10:45:13 AM
Author: amazed

this is by far the best shit you guys have ever published!

Subject: Yes.
Date: Jun 12 2004 03:42:29 AM
Author: Mr. Happy Boy

This is good. It serves manifold purposes. I'm really glad I read backwards through the articles, because this redeemed the whole thing. This does actual service for the community, on MANY LEVELS. Good work!

Subject: bleh
Date: Jun 09 2004 10:28:19 PM
Author: lily

that is so grosse and unfunny. i might puke in disgust rather then piss myself from amusment

Subject: :{
Date: Jun 09 2004 06:12:52 AM
Author: big c

stupid white people kind of fun? im moving to canada... yeah right. vice is krunkin out with all'a ya'lz

Subject: raaaaaaaaaank
Date: Jun 09 2004 05:01:52 AM
Author: agreeing with julia

that fucking goes beyond any horror movie or whatever. what is this guy? hannibal lecter?

Subject: bowl
Date: Jun 09 2004 03:09:45 AM
Author: baby spek

isnt that the plate the (beautiful) "fat" girl from the last issue was eating from?, i love her

Subject: that was hilarious
Date: Jun 08 2004 11:52:36 PM
Author: COOPER

My friend sent this to me - said he couldn't finish it because he was laughing too hard . . . It is tru that I don't have the very best in bladder control to begin with but the made me piss myself - just a bit. Thank you for that. Mmmmmmmmmmm warm . . .

Subject: no effort
Date: Jun 08 2004 08:59:43 PM
Author: p

mohawks are so out

Subject: wow
Date: Jun 08 2004 07:31:41 PM
Author: Georgia

That is utterly amazing....

Subject: holy christ..
Date: Jun 08 2004 08:40:43 AM
Author: jaypee

yeah. Good to see that he didn't waste the nugget of whateverthefuckitwas.

Subject: thats nothin
Date: Jun 07 2004 09:35:15 PM
Author: brian

my friends boyfriend has a labret stud stuck in his lip because scar tissue grew over the back of the stud. he tried to cut it out himself but the scar tissue was too thick. thats fucking sick that dude ate that shit!

Subject: nice job boys
Date: Jun 07 2004 07:02:08 PM
Author: Seeingred

Just wait for that nasty little infectious disease you get from things like that called MRSA.. you should look it up

Subject: yum
Date: Jun 07 2004 06:03:25 PM
Author: Dr. Quincy

the world had a definitite need for that.
thank you.

Subject: holy crap
Date: Jun 07 2004 04:24:08 PM
Author: liz

you were serious...

Subject: ill take a break for the washroom now...
Date: Jun 07 2004 04:24:52 PM
Author: vladimir d.

yes..well put julia, not much else to say here.

Subject: jesus.
Date: Jun 07 2004 02:46:25 PM
Author: julia

oh, my fuck.