Don'ts


Of course, if you get the living shit kicked out of you it's not quite so amazing. You know what? It's probably best to stick to the going-to-fight look and try to avoid the whole just-fought-and-lost look.		Ah ha ha ha ha. Look at his fucking tattoos. A belly-button tribal sun (which is essentially saying, "Pay attention to my stomach") and a motherfucking grandfather clock?! What are we, in Turkey?


What is it with Puerto Ricans where they're perpetually 10 years old? Oh yeah, they don't have a dad.		Naked ladies are pretty, even to people who aren't sexually attracted to women. However, having a woman spread her gash on your back for the rest of your life is totally fucking insane. How white trash are you? Did you grow up in the garbage?


The thing I want to know is, what does this guy think he looks like? Does he see a funky version of Steve Tyler? Does he see an irreverent rocker who does the wango tango? Give up the bass, dude. You're old.		Guy, The Flash was the fastest man alive. You're a fat pig with a faggy dog. Get a shirt with food on it or something. Right now you're a parody of how slow you are.


Don't get me wrong, heroin is great and everything, but what the fuck is the matter with these people? Hey Dorothy, just because you build a living room on a park bench and click your heels three times doesn't mean you're not in the fucking park anymore. You can't just crash. Junkies are the biggest fucking losers in the world. At least drunks say funny shit.


We're not sure what happened to electroclash. Everyone was into it (even us) and then it seemed to morph into a weird kind of drag-queen-talent-show thing, and now look at it.		Look at these fucking turds. Could they be bigger pieces of human waste, please? Look at them. They're just two big pieces of genitalia with ridiculous hats on. They're not even worth diarrhea-ing on.


Er, if you're going for "medieval biker punk," you might want to get something a little more substantial than a fucking Vespa. Those are for a type of in-the-closet girly man we call a "mod." When you ride it, you look like elephant Satan going to battle on a tricycle.		Shhhhh, don't wake the sleeping Jew. Washing and drying his four-foot-long hair can take all morning, so cut the guy some slack and let him rest.
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Comments:

Subject: Gizmo
Date: Mar 21 2006 09:45:37 PM
Author: Paco

I only listened to electroclash because I wanted to stick it in Miss Kittin's steaming artificial gizmo.

Subject: Satan Elephant man
Date: Feb 22 2006 02:56:32 AM
Author: Emily

More people should have elephant satan battle attire. Everyone looks the fucking same. I wish I had full body armor and a spiked shield so I could smite the two terds.

Subject: electroclash
Date: Feb 08 2006 03:18:49 PM
Author: no

Electroclash was always totally gay. I have no idea why so many people grabbed onto such a stupid trend, taking the worst parts of the 80s and revisiting them with little/no originality or interpretation. My apologies if you fell for it... On the other hand, I love how you used diarrhea as a verb. Kudos for that

Subject: hatfag
Date: Jan 03 2006 01:01:59 AM
Author: poopypants

How did nobody notice that not only is this guy a fucking turd, he is about to underline what a pole smoker he is by lighting the wrong side of his smoke in about 20 seconds.
fucking POSER

Subject: pavement
Date: Jan 29 2005 02:54:39 PM
Author: andrew

pavement rules

Subject: hahahha
Date: Jan 04 2005 05:22:28 AM
Author: lahenz

hahhahahaahahahhahahahaahhahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahah
ah

Subject: for the Jews.
Date: Aug 18 2004 01:42:24 AM
Author: dave

Hey all you Jews out there. Rock on. You guys rock. Puerto Ricans, also very cool. Blacks: dig your style.

Cunts like Vice Magazine, thanks for motivating me to reach higher ground, and making me proud to be who I am despite Cunts like yourselves who try and trash my people.

Subject: a few comments down
Date: Aug 14 2004 02:23:47 PM
Author: Jeez

Thank god pavement broke up. Vice still has it.

Subject: butem w morde
Date: Aug 11 2004 11:08:44 AM
Author: >.jasne*

Wiec jestem zagorzalym przeciwnikiem przysypiania na lawkach czesto mam ochote kogos takiego obudzic z buta, a co do grzebania komus w majtach w towarzystwie to ok byleby wszyscy byli na to gotowi ;]

Subject: kick
Date: Jul 28 2004 10:37:03 AM
Author: hozz

vice was nice.

Subject: cynical.
Date: Jul 25 2004 03:31:55 AM
Author: brad sime

vice sucks. so does the information super highway. i'm going to bed. no wonder pavement broke up.

Subject: SUBJECT SUX
Date: Jul 08 2004 11:23:59 PM
Author: you suck

iget here on this site in widening intervals in time
u suck dick even more
what is it?you get drunk with strangers and then give them a fuckin job!!!

desperate time call for bad decisions

Subject: THE FAT SCOOTER GUY
Date: Jul 07 2004 10:17:38 PM
Author: JOEY MILLIONS.

YO I READ THROUGH THE COMMENTS, AND THERE'S ACTUALLY SOME NIGGA GIVING THE FAT SCOOTER GUY PROPS...YO MY MAN, HERE'S A REALITY CHECK. THE NIGGA IS
A)FAT
B)ON A SCOOTER
C)HAS A FUCKING DREADLOCK MOHAWK AND TATTOOS ON HIS MOTHERFUCKING HEAD.

THAT NIGGA SHOULD SHOOT HIMSELF IN THE FACE WITH A MILLION NAILGUNS AT THE SAME TIME...A BITCH WOULDNT TOUCH HIS DICK IF HE HAD TO HAVE AN OPERATION ON HIS PROSTATE AND THE SURGEON HAD A PUSSY...SOMEONE LET ME WRITE FOR VICE. WHATS GOOD NIGGAS, I BE IN THE HOOD, IM FROM THE BRONX, CUT ME A FUCKIN CHECK SON, MY PARENTS ARE BROKE AS I AM. PAY ME.

JOEY HEADLINE

Subject: tats on old people
Date: Jul 06 2004 04:09:09 AM
Author: alby

that tat on the chick's back is going to look great in sixty years. her skin will lose its elasticity and the ink will spread, and the chick on her back will age to look just like her. you guys should do a special on old people with hardcore tats. that would be fucking good.

Subject: the king has spoken
Date: Jul 03 2004 11:35:13 AM
Author: king

yeah I hear you. i'd start of by executing Louie the bri'ish cunt. If I had the fortune of bumping in to him I start off by shaking his hand followed by a swift swipe to the larynx with a rusty gardeners claw. Then I'd grab him by the hair, and pummel his bitch face with a brick until it was a blob of red purple goo in my hand. then i'd cut off his miniscule penis and attach it to my key chain as a reminder of the fun time we had together.

ps -the office is garbage. you need to do like your prime minister tony and strat sucking some American cock.

Subject: the pain...
Date: Jul 02 2004 11:28:20 AM
Author: spinal

god...i come to this site occasionally just to keep updated on what the army of hipster pieces-of-shit are up to lately. that way when they come into my bar, i know who to charge 4 bucks for a fucking PBR. thanks vice! people like you guys make me wish for total nuclear holocaust...

Subject: HEy
Date: Jun 27 2004 10:48:07 AM
Author: Chip

WHATS WITH SLAMMING THE DUDE IN THE FLASH SHIRT, I KNOW HIM HES COOL AND HE WILL WHUP YOUR ASSES IF HE COULD FIND YOU U COWARDS LEAVE HIM ALONE JUST COS HES FAT DONT MAKE HIM NO SUCKER SISSY LIKE THE REST OF YOU

Subject: never trust a woman
Date: Jun 27 2004 03:59:43 AM
Author: frank drebin

that tat belongs to the neck of indian larry. don't hate, his bikes are the baddest motherfuckers out there. and he actually knows how to spoke a wheel by hand. he may be an old fart but he could kick the ass of anybody on the planet.

that said, never trust a woman.

Subject: electroclash guy
Date: Jun 27 2004 03:58:27 AM
Author: frank drebin

vice you are sick. that guy is homeless. i just saw him on the street tonight. i recognized him right away but didn't say anything. i bought him a sandwich and a pack of cigarettes.

why don't you parlay some coke money into helping and not grossly exploiting the homeless.

fucking assholes. just wait until your trust fund dries up and you're left with nothing but the clothes on your back and a crack addiction. i fucking PRAY that some idiot kids will take your picture just for laughs so you know how it feels. that guy is really nice and gracious. i sat and ate my sandwich with him and we talked for about 2 hours.

it's easy to point and laugh. try growing the fuck up for a change.

Subject: hm
Date: Jun 26 2004 07:49:58 PM
Author: still me

"the tattoo has to fucking be done professionnaly"

yeah i wrote that but i'm fucking french & i'm actually TRYING to not make mistakes but unlike you, i am not perfect.

thanks though.

Subject: girl and boy with hats
Date: Jun 26 2004 10:13:09 AM
Author: stroking it

I think the girl is okay, I'd have a go with her. Does she have her hand down her boyfriend's pants? If so, I like her even more.

Subject: and a pair of toast with horange juice.
Date: Jun 26 2004 05:23:28 AM
Author: totalement two eggs side by each

You're all winners. Yes, even the tuna who pries on grammatical oversights - you are absolutely right about those split infinitives, "Chin Up." Hot Spot! But I do feel you could have explained your corrections more thoroughly, if only to provide the entertainment and insight that VICE is so greviously lacking in. For example, you draw our attention to the fragment, "not very cool to even know the difference," yet you offer no alternative. If the VICE readership is so illiterate, shouldn't it be your hallowed duty to gently prod the herd in the right direction, Gauche-Brained Saviour? Though perhaps that's below you; maybe your chin is best employed as an awning, to cast a shame-inducing shadow across this felch-pot you so graciously deem to sniff. However, should this not be the case, I look forward to your gracious elucidation, beneath you as it may be. In the meantime however, may I offer my alternative to the cited grammatical shocker you so selflessly highlight: instead of, "not very cool to even know the difference," you might offer, "Chin up while you suck it." Now wouldn't that be more productive, Greedy Chops? And you could always fall back on the New Yorker if you have a problem with VICE's audience. But while you try your best not to dribble nut sauce on your precious erudites, just remember you read VICE once upon a time, and you cared enough to criticize but came up a short on the follow through. Now swallow for once you sk

Subject: grammar
Date: Jun 25 2004 02:07:42 PM
Author: chin up

If there's one thing that's worse than the sorry state of Vice, it's the fact that none of its readership can write correctly. By using split infinitives (eg. "not very cool to even know the difference", "the tattoo has to fucking be done professionnaly"), you all reveal just how illiterate America really is.

Subject: fuck
Date: Jun 24 2004 06:28:46 PM
Author: ert

can we put an end to the whole 'i know the guy in that picture' thing? nobody gives a shit. really.

Subject: hm that tattoo
Date: Jun 24 2004 05:48:18 PM
Author: eve

the girl with the naked woman tattoo.. well the tattoo is absolutely not well done, but i actually think that girls with trashy tattoos of that kind are sexy.

but the girl has to be hot & the tattoo has to fucking be done professionnaly.

cheers

Subject: I used to think you were cool.
Date: Jun 24 2004 02:01:49 AM
Author: Christ Almighty

Going on a rant and slagging a guy based on your hazy recolection of super-hero emblems and then totally fucking it up makes the guy in the picture far cooler than you are no matter what t-shirt you wore to the bar last night and are still wearing. You might say, "Well, it's not very cool to even know the difference between a Flash emblem and Captain Marvels." To which I would say, "If doing your job properly, especially when it involves judging and ranking people by their appearance, involves knowing the difference, therefore making you appear to be cool, then it is on the way to being cool." You pompous fuck-up.

Subject: Dude gettin' groped
Date: Jun 24 2004 01:31:04 AM
Author: Hmmmm......

Man, that dude looks familiar and the comments about someone knowing him in T-Dot and him going to OCA. Shit, I'm sure I went to ESA with him in grade 11. If it's the same guy he used to be a wanna-be rawk gawd singer and worshipped post- David Lee Roth Van Halen. Seriously. AND he always seemed to have a girl sticking her hand down his pants. Seriously.

Subject: bumf
Date: Jun 23 2004 10:02:47 AM
Author: chef's arse

you could've swopped the pics from your "viceland bonus:party pics and more" feature with the ones from the "don'ts" section no one would have noticed.

Subject: Just Don't Do It / Do It
Date: Jun 23 2004 08:12:32 AM
Author: Homeless Cop

These just keep getting worse, and when my girl and I get our new camera I'm gonna start my own mag and show you how it's done....The best part of your mag now sucks. Good thing it's free, huh?

Subject: doughnut dog
Date: Jun 23 2004 04:31:58 AM
Author: HS

no more pictures of bums please

Subject: Hmmm, nice tattoo
Date: Jun 23 2004 02:58:13 AM
Author: Louie

You know what vice needs? The shit tatoo issue. There have been so many featured that you could make a veritable tome. do people not think " Im going to have this forever and ever till the worms eat me"
My personal favourites include the guy with a ring pull on his head and the guy with never trust a woman written on his neck. Pure class. However my hat goes off to the fuckwit who said " why sure lady, I'll draw a lady spreaading her faff on you" It's not like he ( I assume it was a he) could even draw that well. It looks like he started off with the body and then topped it off with a pin head. It liiks like beeteljuice did when he stole that guys ticket in deaths waiting room. It was a nice touch colouring in the faff pink tho. Splendid. If that stupid hick could find the time to gt a tattoo done, surely she could have found time to wash her hair.
It's easy for me to critisice and say "she'll regret it one day." I'm sure one day I will regret having Bright pink stars tattooed in a halfsleeve. But at least the girl who did mine could draw

Subject: electroclash
Date: Jun 22 2004 04:48:40 PM
Author: ignrd

i never really understood electroclash until now and it makes perfect sense.

Subject: vicemag
Date: Jun 21 2004 07:08:49 PM
Author: ranksta

I've finally got vice sussed; you're the absolute definition of "revenge of the nerds". Clearly you were all badly bullied at school, leaving you emotionally scarred and determined to flip the script on the cool kids by making them... uncool.
But it's clever and well done for trying.

Subject: the return of merl
Date: Jun 21 2004 03:37:07 PM
Author: merl

first off -Merl ain't for hire -let me make that straighter than straight. As for all the weak-ass coke snorting, nitrous baloon inhaling, dumb shits out there -you're all a bunch of zeros. you're zeros because you're weak. you're weak because you came from soft, middle class homes and now you just don't have the backbone to deal with your problems. well mother fuckers, maybe you shouldn't have blown all that money at banana republic in the first place. now the pressure of having to deal with your visa bill is pushing you too the edge. solution: shove some shit up your nose. i only hope someone replaces your coke with ajax just to teach you a lesson.

Subject: merl
Date: Jun 21 2004 02:14:23 PM
Author: aidyl

hire merl!
if not to rip on donts,
just to rip on loser K junkies!

Subject: two f***ing turds
Date: Jun 21 2004 02:08:14 PM
Author: aidyl

I HAVE TO DISAGREE WITH VICE COMMENTARY once.

THOSE "TWO FUCKING TURDS" ARE
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WORTH DIARRHEA-ing ON!!!

Subject: Do's and Dont's
Date: Jun 20 2004 04:16:21 PM
Author: J-F Corbeil

I have been out and out of the pictures for so long, I would not know the beatles from shit hype and the likes while they where singing stick it up my ass while singing
a song from Old man river.That being said,
I like your stuff and Bukoksky being my drunken say; BT and the MT says that B-3
kicks ass big time. So it says .

Subject: Sleeping jews etc.
Date: Jun 20 2004 02:03:43 PM
Author: glendaweb.com

Now we want some CANCER FUN!

I have always thought of cancer as the ultimate fashion. Why don't you show any cancer here? You're just too chicken, aren't you?

Subject: everything
Date: Jun 20 2004 05:17:34 AM
Author: tap

oi has anyone else noticed how cynical everyone tries to be in these posts. its crazy... After having read them all, i am struggling to write something without a sneering undercurrent. Merely by reflecting on that difficulty i feel as though i am betraying myself! So easy to buy into.