Dear Human Toilet,

Taking lots of drugs doesn't have to turn you into a drooling idiot but researching the drugs' scientific properties and then regurgitating the tedious facts to me at shitty parties does.

The biggest offenders are the creeps who keep boring me about these new synthetic designer Class A drugs with names like 2C-B, 2C-I, 2-ct-2, 5-Me0-DMT and AOP and blah de blah DC-10. Well done with coming up with those names BTW. Maybe if you called them something like "Lightning Struck My Dick" then people might actually buy them? Thought about that? Nope, obviously not. Because even though national newspapers and the police are "warning" people that these new "revolutionary designer drugs" are replacing ecstasy and coke as everybody's drug of choice it's just not true. And if it was true it would be a total downer. When, for example, was the last time somebody offered you 2C-I at a party? Exactly Larry. Never.

That's because these new powders all taste of fibreglass and make you lock your door and sit in your untidy flat wondering why the walls are melting. Great. They're not social stimulants: take them out with friends and you'll feel like there's a party in your head where you're the only one invited. Sure, you'll get a slight rush of MDMA-like euphoria with 2C-I and some acid-ish visual distortion but it's an unhappy medium—despite the rush, you're not inspired to hug anyone or dance because the sense-altering hallucinogenic effect complicates something as straightforward as listening to music. Your mind's too mangled to enjoy it, plus you've got a runny nose and a weird metallic taste seeping down your throat. Great! Plus nobody ever has sex.

One total fucking boring idiot called Gary told me that taking 5-Me0-DMT was like: "Riding pillion on a superbike and having the accelerator stuck to the floor for 15 minutes whether you like it or not. It's physically and mentally overwhelming. It's like 15 minutes of tense physical sensation and wondering if your breathing's okay."

Sounds like a total riot? No? These are drugs for people who care too much about drugs and, let's face it, since when have they been any fun? Never. And do you know what? They're all guys. No matter how bad girls can get when they take too many drugs, they can never be as boring as boys.

Not even when it's two stupid rich girls and a gay black stylist all having an intense cocaine argument about 350 things all at once does it get as annoying as it does when chemical brothers like you crash my fucking party.

Then you meet life-saving girls like in the picture above who munch a good old fashioned bag of mushrooms to go to Disneyland. They gobble enough to make an elephant trip then shrug their shoulders at you and giggle something like: "Let's go and make out in the Haunted Mansion!"

JACK McSTEELPOLEGASHRUB