Ok, let's cut the shit here. Working in the "sex industry" fucking blows. Suicide Girls get to have hairy armpits, and it's fun to put your picture up on onlyundiesclub.com, but that's playacting. Real sex work is about showing up at a millionaire crackhead's house with a big box of Wet Ones, letting him bang the shit out of you for three days (even though he pulled a gun on you for sitting on the left-hand side of his bed), and then leaving with $1,900. No matter what the empowered academics in San Francisco pretend to believe, whoring—in any form—is hell, and the only reason women do it is to get money for coke NOW! If you want to try it out, be prepared to have nothing to show for years of suffering but a blown-out septum and some lumpy fake tits. It's like extreme waitressing. You make hundreds of dollars a night licking ass and then you immediately spend it on drugs just to feel normal again.

If you're really, truly still interested, please at least do us a kindness and read this A–Z before your first day on the job.

ANAL
A few years ago it might have been acceptable to be a whore who "doesn't do anal." Now you'd be lucky to get out of there without him making you cry on demand, gag on his dick to the point of puking, and THEN have anal sex while two dildos are simultaneously jammed into your pussy. I don't know why things have gotten so raunchy. Maybe guys have been corrupted by the internet and endless mpegs of Cambodian babies getting fucked by dogs. Point is, their idea of humiliating a woman (what sex work is all about) has been ramped up quite a bit, so don't think you're going to get away with smoking a cigarette in high heels while he takes pictures. The prices seem to have gone down too, but it's so hard to say in this business. The cheapest price I've ever heard a girl charging was simply "a place to stay," and the most I've ever heard a girl getting is $10,000 from a Japanese businessman who would fly her to Tokyo for one night. You'll probably make $100.

BACHELOR PARTIES
Bachelor parties are the cash cow of whoring, but they're fucking scary. Men have a tendency to try to outdo each other, so if you start the night with a blowjob and cum in your eye, your last trip to the hotel bathroom will involve something along the lines of getting fucked in the ass sans lube while the guy pours shampoo in your eyes. It's worth it, though, because they usually only last for one to five hours and you can make $6,000 pure profit.

COCAINE
Coke is what this whole industry is about. The majority of the clients are doing it in some capacity, and so are all the hos. Really high cokeheads are simultaneously the best and the worst johns you can have. The good part is the money, because they want you to stay over for a long time, but the bad part is the paranoia and the limp dick and how those two interact.

You have to make sure you look him in the eyes when you walk in and don't act too sketchy, because cokeheads are convinced everyone is trying to rip them off and if you contribute to that theory in even the slightest way, he's going to go nuts. When you finally convince him you're there to work and nothing else, he'll pull out his soft dick and get even more mad. Then he doesn't want to wear a condom for the blowjob because that's only going to make things worse. It sucks.

BTW, if the guy is giving you a hassle about having to use a condom for a blowjob, there's a way you can put it on his dick without him knowing. It takes some practice, but you start with it in your mouth and then kind of roll it on his penis as your head goes down. When you're done you can just leave it on him so he can see what an asshole he is.

DEODORANT
Strippers and prostitutes (and fags, for some reason) all know this secret way to prevent ingrown hairs after you shave your swimsuit area. It's simple and cheap and it never fails. Put deodorant on it. I think there's something about the alcohol in the deodorant that opens the pores wide enough that the hairs can't ingrow. It's the same principle behind that really expensive Tend Skin shit, but deodorant works about 80 times better.

ESCORT AGENCIES
You'll notice whores who work with an agency are a lot more patient than streetwalkers. Escorts are there for the full hour whether you get a boner or not. Streetwalkers, on the other hand, have a real live pimp, and he wants his money 15 minutes ago. If a john doesn't get it up with a streetwalker right away, he's dead.

FUCKED BY YOUR DAD
Second-wave feminists like Andrea Dworkin and Catherine MacKinnon made up this cruel stereotype that everyone in the sex industry got fucked by their dad. What do they know about it? Shit, that's not fair. I mean, I got fucked by my dad, and every single woman I've met in the industry (stripping, prostitution, internet, phone sex…everything) got fucked by her dad, but…oh shit, wait. It is true. I guess that's why we can lie underneath someone who has no business being on top of us and not give a shit. Statistics on incest are hard to gauge, but when you look at the number of women in the industry today and consider the fact that they ALL got fucked by their dad, it kind of makes your stomach turn.

PS: If your dad never fucked you and you're not a lesbian, quit now. Otherwise you will hate all men forever.

GANG BANGS
Whores never get asked to do gang bangs because most guys think it's too faggy. The only place you will ever see gang bangs is in porn. I don't know much about it because I'm a whore and we don't watch porn. It's like you watching a movie about sitting at your desk.

HATERS
You know you're in it for the long haul when you hate your coworkers. In this business EVERYONE hates everyone else. I'm here to make money, and anyone who is prettier than me (or cheaper) is the competition. I've even had nights at strip clubs where some black bitch was all up in my face saying, "If you get one more dance tonight I'm going to kick your ass." That happens all the time, and you have to sit there and try to decide, "Do I go home now and know I won't get into a fight, or do I risk getting my ass kicked and make some more money?"

INTERNET PORN
Internet porn is the most tolerable type of sex work. If you can use a computer, you're in. Amateur websites with girls-next-door working out of their bedrooms still make millions, and even the chubby girl with the lazy eye is taking home $1,000 a month (though it's not worth it if you're making less than $4,000 a month). Most internet places have about 3,000 people working 24 hours a day, each charging about $3.50 a minute. That's over $15 million a day. And thus we come to the essential paradox of porn. It fucking sucks. It's depressing. It makes you hate men. But the money. Fuck.

To get started, all you need is a computer, a relatively fast connection, a webcam, and maybe a Hello Kitty pillow. Then you just click the "Become a chat host" button on your favorite porn site. After confirming your age they'll send you the software, and then whenever you feel like going online, horny guys will send you money. The good thing about working on the internet is, there are strict censorship rules on amateur sites that ban hardcore pornography, so you can say no to drinking pee and fisting and still not get fired. Don't get me wrong, you still get humiliated and bossed around, but it's easier on your knees and you can be fat. The internet is where old hos go to die.

JERKING OFF
Massage parlors will tell you in your interview that you don't have to do anything you don't want to and you can just jerk them off with a glove if you're grossed out. What they don't mention is, that means you'll go home penniless. The money you make is all about what you can negotiate for yourself after the massage. First, dude pays the agency around 40 dollars for the massage, which lasts 30 minutes to an hour. Then, after he's all "comfers cozers," you become a free agent and get to make your own money negotiating handjob and blowjob prices. The wage will be the average between how desperate you both are. Most places have a 3-2-1 plan, which means $300 for a fuck, $200 for a blowjob, and $100 for a handjob, but those prices all go down the tubes when some dumb cunt does anal for $80.

KLEPTOMANIA
The thing about whoring is, after being humiliated and spat on (literally) for an hour, you inevitably feel like you want to get back at the guy. That's why we steal. It's usually just frivolous shit like a size-12 sneaker or a little Buddha thing from the bathroom, but occasionally you'll get a really tenacious whore who will watch him use the ATM, memorize his PIN, steal his card when he's passed out or taking a piss, and eventually get away with thousands of dollars.

LUNCH
If you're a whore in 2004 you have two categories of food in your fridge: nonfood and cry-for-help food. The first category is things like protein bars and celery with a Crystal Lite chaser: just enough food to kill the hunger pains but not enough to add any calories. Category two is about secretly trying to get fat and sabotage your career. Every few days a ho will break out of category one and make a jar of mayonnaise or an entire tub of ice cream disappear in seconds. Then it's back to energy drinks. The only consistent thing about what we eat is we all LOVE drinking pink cider. I don't know why.

MAMMARY GLANDS
Even though it meant having your nipples removed and placed next to you in a bowl of ice for a few hours, getting fake tits used to be a great way to make more money. Then, around two years ago, they became uncool, even with perverts. Now you can actually lose clients by having fake tits. I'm getting mine taken out because when you go out with nice civilian boys they are totally freaked out by them, and even if they look great, you have to replace them every five fucking years.

NATIVE AMERICANS
Agencies love anyone that looks remotely exotic because they can advertise you as the latest fetishized race, which changes about every four months. If you have dark hair and something minimally unusual about your face, you will make more money for everyone. If Mongolians are the hot new thing, you're Mongolian. If you have even a hint of Native in you, you're totally set because you can be advertised as anything from half-Asian to Fijian royalty.

ORGASMS
Whores cum on the job about once a career. Sorry, but if a clit gets pounded seriously and systematically enough, it may just send an orgasm to the brain. Also, about 25 percent of your clients are going to want to eat you out (I know, it's weird), and that can be a nice break that may lead to the dreaded "ho-gasm." The time it happened to me, the guy was so gross and I was so disgusted with the whole thing that I ended up cumming just out of how uncumworthy the whole thing was. You know?

PHONE SEX
A lot of single mothers do this as an easy way to make money. They think it won't make them feel repulsed, but that's bullshit. Like all whoring, phone sex makes you hate yourself and it puts you in a bad mood for about four hours after your last call. Plus, you'll be lucky to take home $300 a week.

QUITTING
The average sex worker's career is six months. If you work for an agency or (ugh) a real pimp, they will try everything from relentless nagging to kidnapping you with a bag over your head to keep you from quitting. Women aren't that great at saying no to begin with, and when you add getting fucked by your dad to the equation, cutting the cord ends up taking quite a few tries.

RETURNS
These are great. If the guy sends you back you make $40 without doing anything. All you have to do is pay the driver $10 to enforce the $50 minimum, and that's it. You're back in the car with your money and you didn't even take your jacket off.

SUICIDE GIRLS
Sorry hipsters, but this is not porn. It's not even sex work. It's more like a pretend tea party with your stuffed animals. I applied to it when it first came out and they actually expected me to do shit like explain why I'd be a good Suicide Girl. Excuse me? That's the first time a pimp ever wanted to see a résumé. The reason these girls can wax poetic about how it's the new porn and talk about empowerment is simple: They are not in the porn industry. Porn is about subordinating yourself for money. If it feels good, you're not doing it right.

TELLING PEOPLE (NOT)
You know you are doing real sex work when you can shut the fuck up. Bragging rights don't really exist unless you are looking for people to make a basset hound face at you and start crying. NEVER tell a civilian man you're trying to have sex with that you have ever taken money for sex. At first he will think it's kind of cool that he can have sex with a pro for free, but then he'll expect you to be Lil' Kim all the time and get all jock on you by telling you to "break out the toys!" when all you wanted was your sad neglected pussy to be licked in silence for three to seven minutes. Or he will freak out and think his friend paid you to have sex with him on his birthday and then throw a beer through your bedroom window. He will never marry you. Read The Rules to the Ring.

UNDERWEAR
The second you get to the guy's house or hotel, it's a good rule of thumb to (after asking permission) get right down to just a thong. I do this right away because if you wait until he asks you, he might fuck you over by telling the agency that he's not going to pay because you kept your J. Lo tracksuit on for the first hour and smoked menthols while nursing a cider and didn't even look at his dick.

Every other kind of sex work is about drawing it out as long as possible. Especially the internet. The guy's credit card is being charged by the minute and he's in New Jersey, so keep milking him. What's he going to do, fax you a punch in the head?

VERBAL WHORES
Seventy-five percent of whoring is making small talk. Strippers and whores are really there because the guy is lonely and wants someone to complain to. I have a good system of smiling, nodding a lot, making eye contact, laughing, and speaking only to agree or say something charming after every five points he has made. After whoring for six months you will find you are better at guessing the answers on Jeopardy! and doing crossword puzzles because you have had to listen to hours and hours of men jerking their mouths off telling you pointless little facts to make them feel smarter. Just pretend you have been picked up hitchhiking and you have to stay awake and talk to the guy or he'll fall asleep driving and kill you both.

WET ONES
A Ho Bag is a wee sports purse you take with you on calls. Inside it you have: condoms (the free ones from the needle exchange), baby powder (helps putting on condoms), a driver price list (so you know what to pay him for what parts of the city), Band-Aids, Listerine (if you dare give a BJ unwrapped), Saran Wrap (so you don't get herpes when he eats you out), and the most important thing in the world: a pack of Wet Ones. If you don't carry Wet Ones with you at all times, you are not a whore in 2004. They make eating ass palatable, they help rid you of the "grossies" after a bad session, and they get jizz off your face in a way that makes it feel like it was never there.

X RATING
(Vice helped me with this one.) The MPAA instituted their ratings system in 1968, and X was the one that meant "no kids can come in here, no way, we don't care if your parents are with you." It was used for legit films like Midnight Cowboy (the first X-rated movie). Then porno makers, in a clever little marketing move, started using the made-up rating XXX (which was supposed to mean "so fucking dirty your eyes will burn," even though back then all you really saw was two hairy crotches mushing up against each other). Now in 2004, you have Max Hardcore fucking girls in the ass as they puke on each other with weird dental shit holding their mouths open, so the whole X thing has sort of gone out the window. That's why they made up NC-17 instead of X for "real" movies. NCCC-1777 isn't quite as catchy as XXX.

YOUTH
The younger you are, the better. You're stupider, you're easier to manipulate, and you have a tighter pussy, which means less ass fucking. I say fuck getting a tit job. Splurge for pussy-rejuvenation surgery and change that thing from a wet paper bag into a McDonald's straw.

ZZZZZZZZZ
Falling asleep. This skill, otherwise known as disassociation, comes in handy. It usually sets in around hour three of sucking a rich cokehead's limp cock. The old daddy-fucked-me thing means most whores are old friends with disassociation. You can get a lot done while you're disassociating, like thinking about that girl you knew in third grade and trying to remember her name, or deciding which movies you're going to put in your queue on Netflix.

Sometimes you can go so far with it that you actually fall asleep, and if that happens, you're fucked in every sense of the word. You're either going to get raped without a condom or have your face punched in. The only hos I know who survived falling asleep were the ones who were with those weirdo subservient guys who want you to laugh at their small dick and then let them eat you out for half an hour. Those guys are fucking disgusting and depressing and they are about as good as whoring gets. Got it?

KASANDRA MARIN