White Washed
Metrointeractive.com
Dir: Michael Adam
Rating: 7

I hope I'm not spoiling the surprise for you by telling you White Washed is all black chicks getting nutted on by white dudes. If I did, I apologize. My therapist says I should be more apologetic, that I should accept blame and realize when I'm wrong. Had I done that earlier today perhaps I could have avoided getting a $250 ticket for talking on my cell phone while driving. I just couldn't take the cocksucker cop serious, though. I mean, do I have no rights anymore? I do own the fucking car, you know. It's not like I stole it. He was all, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" To which I responded, "Maybe you like my car." I have a nice car—a '72 El Camino. Real cherry. The license plate reads "NWA." Sometimes I do get pulled over because cops just want to take a closer look or get under the hood. This officer was not one of those cops, and he told me that he'd pulled me over for being on my phone. I laughed in his cop face, right into his stupid cop moustache. "You're joking, right?" He shook his head no and reached for his ticket book. I told him I didn't know it was a crime to be on my phone while driving, then said jokingly, "If it's because you think I'm going to get in an accident because I'm distracted, don't worry. I've been drinking and driving since I was 16 and have never been in an accident." He asked me to step out of the car and tested to see if I'd been drinking. "Who were you talking to?" he asked, as if it were somehow his business. I tried another joke. "My mother. I wanted to call her and be the first to tell her our governor is gay." I guess he was a McGreevey fan because he gave me the cell phone ticket and one for not wearing a seat belt. Total bullshit. I think a car should be respected by the law in the same way a home is—whatever happens under my roof is my own business and the police can only come into my space with a warrant. My car acts as an extension of my residency. I should have the right to bang rails off my dashboard, to bang broads on the bench seat, and knock back some beers on the Parkway if I want, because I am the master of my domain and the title to that car says that car is my domain. Have you ever gotten arrested for jumping the turnstile while twenty feet away some prick is selling H to little kids? Same difference. I'm sure half the trunks in New Jersey have dead bodies in them, but that's cool as long as they put an end to those animals talking on the phone. Did Hitler win and no one told me?

Groupie Love
Digitalsindvd.com
Dir: Lloyd Banks
Rating: 4

Groupie Love is the official G-Unit porno, and if you're into the G-G-G then you'll be psyched to see 50 and Lloyd Banks and that other guy floss, drink whatever rappers drink these days, pretend they're flying in a private jet which is clearly parked on a runway (guys, next time pull down the blinds so you can't see the terminal out the window) and watch some hoes get fucked. That said, if you want to run out and buy this DVD, you are a fag, because only fags buy porn for the male celebrities who make appearances. How old are you, twelve? Are you going to shoot yourself in the face because you want to be just like 50? I'm sorry to have to be the one to say this, but since you don't read the papers or watch television, I feel it's my duty to let you know G-UNIT IS FUCKING PLAYED. OK, 50 got shot, that was cool two years ago, but it's old news. When has he got shot lately? Yes, his album was OK but after they released every song as a single, you can't help but hate it. As for the rest of the G-Unit, who are those guys?

A rapper's fan base isn't supposed to be 98% chicks. Ask LL. The other dude is the guy who needs to really get shot, so his publicist can have some sort of marketing plan for him. I don't think a more nondescript person has ever attempted fame. Isn't there another G-Unit guy in jail? He should stay there. Three is more than enough. These guys are like the Jar Jar Binkses of rap. They have their own clothing, their own sneakers, their own underwear, their own watches, and now their own porno. Everywhere I turn, it's G-Unit, and I'm over it. I thought being exposed to Canadian rappers and shit like Black Eyed Peas was bad, but this is so far beyond decency. If I wasn't inundated by them all day, every day, maybe I would still kind of like them, but as it is, it's like being in prison and getting sentenced to eat hot dogs for ten years straight. That first week is easy. You're like, "I fucking love hot dogs." By the second week you're like, "Hot dogs again?" The third week, after lunch and three more hot dogs, you hang yourself from your bunk using your bed sheet. The suicide note reads: "Fuck you and your hot dogs."

Chris Nieratko