GOD DAMNS IT - Why Scientists Are Pure Evil

Todd Forrest says: “Waterfowl eat plants.” Big photo by Alain Levitt / Quck and Duail photos reprinted with permission from RA Schneider & JA Helms, SCIENCE 299:565-568 (2003)

While most scientists are thrilling the shit out of us with string theories about the size of the universe and rocks that are about 80 million years old, there are still a select few that are using science for terrible, terrible things. The best example of this is a scary man named Dr. Richard A. Schneider. He is using his evil and gigantic brain to cross-pollinate the embryonic cells of quails and ducks. The resulting monsters are called qucks and duails.

“I transplant the embryonic stem cells from a quail—just the ones that are destined to give rise to the beak—to an embryonic duck, and vice versa,” says Schneider from his base at UCSF, where he’s doing post-doc work. “The procedure takes place in the first 30 to 50 days of development. Eventually the ducks form beaks that look like quails’—those are the qucks—and the quails form beaks that look like ducks’—those are the duails.”

Schneider, a PhD in zoology from Duke University, started doing transplant work in 1995. “I call them chimeric embryos, like the Greek Chimera,” says Schneider. (For any non-smart people out there, the Chimera was a fire-breathing female beast with a lion’s head, a goat’s body, and a serpent’s tail—sound evil? IT IS!)

Of course, God-fearing Christians like ourselves are up in arms. We don’t like the idea of Richard playing God, and he has received many a threatening message explaining just that. And I know what you’re thinking right now. You’re thinking, “How the fuck do born-again Christians know the intimate details of what scientists are doing with stem cells?” The answer is simple: God tells us. You think we sit around reading medical journals? Only God could do that. Not only does our knowledge of Schneider’s work prove that God exists, it also proves that what Richard is doing is wrong (God is all-knowing, all-powerful, and all-good, therefore if he says something is wrong, it is). So why go on? Why continue to make qucks and duails when it’s obviously evil?

“For the general public, everything has to come back to humans,” Schneider says with a tinge of impatience. “But if we understand the cellular and molecular processes that are involved in the normal patterning of the face, we can understand when things go wrong. There are lots of birth defects that involve the same populations of cells that I transplant.” Sorry, pal, God wants to have people born with cleft palates and other weird shit. Schneider’s research could possibly prevent another elephant man, but God doesn’t want that. God wants deformed people to be deformed because he hates them. Therefore, deformed people are evil and so is Richard Schneider. Maybe he can work on their deformities when he meets them in hell!

DAVID MACINTOSH

Comments:

Subject: haterz
Date: Oct 13 2006 11:33:02 AM
Author: luigi

fuck all you nerds trying to play god

Subject: godgodgodgodgodgodgodgod
Date: Aug 28 2005 10:09:03 PM
Author: liam

this is coming from the same group of people who worship statues of a dude whos nailed to a plank of wood. you sick fucks.

Subject: wha?
Date: Aug 10 2004 11:16:00 PM
Author: pissed off

hey man "god" doesen't make people deformed because they are evil it is because if there is a god he wants them to realize it is not important and to believe in his all knowing paumpous ass. if there is a god of course.

Subject: evonilist
Date: May 30 2004 07:08:39 PM
Author: grzynts

Is it possible that any real knowlegable human mind could agree with the theory of evolution. Darwin believers have been a product of the biggest scam created by a human mind. evo's put forth a great amount of effort to discredit creation arguing science above faith, but it appears to me that evo's have the most faith in a religion that hides it's church through so called science. However, how beautiful a country we live in were we can express our ideas and theorys.

Onelove

Subject: no
Date: Mar 23 2004 06:09:12 PM
Author: E

There is no such thing as god. It's all about Darwin's theory, Evolution is how it all started and how all these different types of animals got here. There wasn't just some guy, "god", that said "let there be people, ducks, etc.." and it was there. No, thats just stupid and only dumbasses could see that as being true. Yes, to much science can be bad though, with all the messing with DNA and all, but there is no god.

Subject: Love that highschool gay sex
Date: Feb 11 2004 08:42:06 PM
Author: Alan

Actually, if you\'d stop and think for only a second you\'d realise that persecuting the 5th period cock suckers is another example of...TaDah!- persecuting non-conformists. Go look up confomist at dictionary.com

Speaking of highschool, isn\'t that the last time it was a big putdown to accuse someone of geing gay? Like that makes a fuck anymore! Oh yea- look out look out, he\'s a HOMO! Oh wait, so is my next door neighbor, and the guy I\'m listening to on the radio, and...etc etc. By all means I\'m not suggesting that anyone needs to be P.C. on here, I\'m just saying if you want to rag on someone you need to practice at higher than a snickering jack-off teenager level to play on vice\'s website. This should be an arena of real wit, but far too many retards are finding their way here for some reason.

Subject: Using the word God
Date: Feb 11 2004 11:49:11 AM
Author: Banania Napoleon Jr III

You use (GoD)this word like if its a card in a game.
You play baloon with the word god,
You kick god in his meta-nuts
You say god like you say shit.
You play baloon with your excrements, shited in the sky .

You want to score with chicks at the exit of the church with the word god.

Burn in hell, pig of christ.

Subject: Beaten
Date: Feb 11 2004 11:26:31 AM
Author: Banania Napoleon Jr III

I was beaten up because of my ugliness. Strange fact, they beat the ugliness out of me and now, the more I get older the more I m handsome. Thank you friends for this exorcism. Maybe that\'s also because they were racists, (like the writters of this magazine) and I adopted their accent so now I m one of them, even if I have a big nose and curly hairs. It s a survival strategy.
The little nazis can t stand things they dont know. They like the Same, they are masturbating the Same and it can be a disease.I call that social incest.

There nothing to take it easy about mr Christan, cry and beg for the salvation of your soul or rot in hell like the Other, who is legion.

Subject: Take it easy
Date: Feb 10 2004 11:24:27 PM
Author: oggie

I am a christian and I enjoy this magazine. It is witty, sarcastic and most of all, funny. All people need to remember that we can laugh at ourselves, it\'s not a sin to have a sence of humour.

Subject: militant christians
Date: Feb 10 2004 01:21:29 PM
Author: I'm Alan's high school lover

Alan, I don't think the reason everyone was cruel to us in high school was because we were non-conformists. Rather, I think it had something to do with us going down on each other during 5th period P.E. in the boys' locker room. I don't think the others bought the excuse that the poo stains on our jock-straps came from running out of toilet paper.

Subject: Another darn jock
Date: Feb 08 2004 10:48:59 PM
Author: Alan

Well jock, you might be in on the joke, but the people I'm referring to clearly are not. If you'd bother reading the posts (again?) you'd see what I'm talking about. I'll quote one of the many here-

"What the fuck are you talking about? You call yourself a God fearing Christian and you entertain the idea that a man can "play God"? Are you serious? Stop being such a baby."

Well, of course the guy isn't a God fearing christian, he's mocking god-fearing christians. Attacking his viewpoint on christianity is like a bull charging full throttle into the matador's cape. If this is what you call being "in on the joke," then I'm afraid I'm NOT in on the joke.

P.S. Do you really get to stay out as late as you want? Can I come over some time?

Subject: alan
Date: Feb 07 2004 03:07:29 PM
Author: the jock

how the hell did you go through high school? I'm guessing with your dick taped back to your butt-cheeks. It's called talkin' trash for the sake of talkin' trash you spineless jellyfish. Ever stop to think we're also "in on the joke"?

And what's with the insecurities pouring forth about your high school experiences? Jesus, Al - let it go. It's been 10 years since we last gave you your atomic wedgies. Granted we all work at Wal-Mart now and still live at home with mommy and daddy, but I can stay out as late as I want and have ice cream for dinner, no matter WHAT ma' says!

Subject: Does anyone get this?
Date: Feb 07 2004 02:28:21 PM
Author: Alan

You people that get so worked up about these articles, why do you read this magazine? I guess the magazine wouldn't be funny for the rest of us if dumbasses like you didn't take the bait, but jeeze its disturbing to read the misdirected venom that pours forth, almost makes one feel guilty, but not quite. After all, you are the same pedestrian thinkers and conformists that were cruel to people like me in high school, I guess its time for a little revenge. Keep reading, and be sure to take every word literally, and tell us whether you think the views expressed are reasonable or not! I do look forward to your latest reflections!

Subject: bite me, yarry
Date: Feb 03 2004 11:04:05 AM
Author: i love militant christians

If you and David Macintosh are done suckin' each others' dicks, here's my last retort:

Before you start calling people "retarded", ass-clown, why don't you first learn how to spell. Perhaps even a few hours of studying english grammar wouldn't hurt, either.

Subject: shut up!
Date: Jan 29 2004 03:54:51 AM
Author: yarry mcyar

okay, to "militant christians scare me" are you retarded? you must walk around blandly with your dick in a blender not understanding anything. its a fucking joke dumbass. he says that god deforms people because he hates them (which is true). what magazine do you think your reading?

Subject: p
Date: Jan 29 2004 03:47:36 AM
Author: p

i think vice is actually writen by a bunch of chain smoking, ultra jaded, sixth graders. i swear my jean jacket isnt palmetto.

Subject: David Macintosh, you're an idiot.
Date: Jan 28 2004 11:20:42 AM
Author: Militant christians scare me

No, that's NOT what i'm thinking, David. Rather, I'm thinking how fucking funny it is that God-fearing Christians like yourself are sending threatening messages on the one hand and preaching brotherly love on the other. You fucking confused goon/2nd rate writer. Go preach Jesus somewhere else.

Subject: huh?
Date: Jan 23 2004 06:18:51 PM
Author: c.f.k.

why are most of u getting all ur panties in a bunch.this is a magazine that has some..interesting articles.and its quite funny.if u dont like it dont read it. u try writing an article with a little humor.*sigh*

Subject: godies hippies, drunks, scientists etc.
Date: Jan 21 2004 04:52:09 PM
Author: dr. oct

if you feel that this scientist is bad for this because: its cruel, your a hippy and you need to start eating meat; people are not suppost to do this as moral people, your a bible beater and you need to beat your eyes out with your bible; this is good for the advancement of science, your a scientist or your well on your way to being one and you need to get drunk and get laid; if you say it might taste good, even better than duck or quail, your a drunk and you need to eat. I tend to fall in the latter of the bunch. Write an article when this shit gets put on the the shelves at the market.

Subject: Clone this
Date: Jan 20 2004 10:17:17 PM
Author: Michael Jackson

I need to get a hold of a little clone myself.

Subject: ummm
Date: Jan 18 2004 03:45:43 AM
Author: jimmyone

mabey one day in the future we will be able to order custom pets.. like monkey-cats, gerbil-dogs, frog-turtles..... and those of you who took davids(the writer) born again christian stance are fucking idiots.. hes being sarcastic

Subject: lo
Date: Jan 17 2004 11:15:20 AM
Author: kaypo

hahahahahahahhahahaha

Subject: Bwaa
Date: Jan 13 2004 05:08:20 PM
Author: Man of thought

My goodness sir you a literarie genuess. That is the funniest thing I have read in the Mag. yet.

Subject: Playing God
Date: Jan 13 2004 09:56:01 AM
Author: James

What the fuck are you talking about? You call yourself a God fearing Christian and you entertain the idea that a man can "play God"? Are you serious? Stop being such a baby.

You should be insulted that someone tried to put this silly idea in your head and you should also be ashamed that they were able to do so.

And these new creatures aren't scary, what the fuck is wrong with you? Are you THAT big of a pussy? Oh now the qucks are going to get me!!! What a whiny little bitch you are.

The times are changin' man get with it or go bury your fat fucking head in quicksand.

Subject: Fuck God
Date: Jan 13 2004 07:15:53 AM
Author: A.M.D.C

You bortn again fuckers are retards That piece of shit you call god if he even exsist fundelmentaly fucked us all, he's also indesicive and gave me the worst speeling on earth. First he said biggemy was all good the more bitchs you got the more fun you can have, then it was one women. God aint know shit he's dumber than a thirteen year old thats biggest dream is to be the next britney spears. I say fuck god and bring on the super monsters, Besides that fuck gave up on the hunman race along time ago ever since we invented the internet and got himself a computer.

Subject: this
Date: Jan 12 2004 09:43:39 AM
Author: d

i love everything (not a hippy). but this article, these comments, it all makes me smile. i bet its the same type of smile that god smiles when he looks down and sees what we all do.

Subject: Design your own chimeras
Date: Jan 10 2004 07:01:58 PM
Author: Anonymous

FYI - There is a pretty decent game out there called Impossible Creatures by Microsoft which lets you design your own chimeras and have them fight... neat! I can't wait until I have my very own lobster-rhinocerous in real life!

Subject: wtf?
Date: Jan 08 2004 06:35:37 PM
Author: some christian fuck wad

the author better be a real christian cause this brand of sarcastic writing aimed at ridiculing christians is so nyc hipster, it's disgusting.

Subject: Stem cells, curing aids
Date: Jan 06 2004 01:10:05 PM
Author: Morpheus

t.c.o.b.,
Not too long ago, people like you were saying, "First do something about smallpox, then we'll talk." Then it was, "Eliminate polio, then we'll talk." Now this. But get this, we've been making medical advances in spite of you anyway. Thanks to animal experimentation, animal rights protestors can protest another 30 years.

Subject: fool, lay off the triptamines
Date: Jan 06 2004 09:06:19 AM
Author: bloom

white light? 5meo-dmt.

but seriously, if you think that's fucked, check out what happens when you remove water from areas with too much selenium.

Subject: Ewwww...
Date: Jan 05 2004 01:32:34 PM
Author: Miss Woo

That sad thing is, this shit happens a lot more that we realise.

I'm not a christian, and I don't think you have to be in order to be absolutely appalled at this unethical treatment.

Subject: either way...
Date: Jan 05 2004 03:28:50 AM
Author: jurgen

i looked it up and the scientist didn't let the birds survive past the incubation stage for ethical reasons:
"researchers let the eggs incubate until they were about 11 days old, halfway to hatching but just large enough to tell what the still-forming birds' beaks looked like. (Letting them survive to hatch with beaks they didn't know how to use would have been unethical, Helms explained.)"
So, unfortunately the world will never see these nifty birds.

Subject: Idiot? Or clumsy Satirist?
Date: Jan 02 2004 06:31:15 PM
Author: www.hipnot.com

-- "I wonder if anyone gets the sarcasm and irony, or am I the only one crazy here?"

The problem is, he didn't make it obvious enough. Now no one is sure if this guy is a moron, or a clumsy satirist.

Subject: Karl
Date: Jan 02 2004 11:20:12 AM
Author: David

wahaha... Karl just doesn´t seem to get it!! He not only misinterprets the article but also writes like a dick, using words far to difficult for him...

Subject: whoaaa
Date: Jan 02 2004 12:38:48 AM
Author: t.c.o.b.

p.s. god-loving me is officially cukoo in the coconut.

Subject: whoaaaa
Date: Jan 02 2004 12:24:25 AM
Author: t.c.o.b.

this is ridiculous! can you believe that someone is paying this mans salary? it better not be my fucking tax dollars! he, as a person, is a giant waste of life and time. i don't give two shits about the fact that christians are upset or if this man is "trying to play god." stem cell, schmem cell. cure aids first, then we'll talk.

Subject: no god?
Date: Dec 31 2003 09:58:11 AM
Author: god-loving me

Karl, it's a drag that you don't think there's a God. Something happens when you ask him/her to show him/herself; he/she/it does. I've seen Angels appear in the sky, talked to my deceased relatives and you know that whole white light thing you go into when you die? Checked it out. For real and it's real. It exists and realer than anything else that's out there or here. You are so intimately connected to the universe you have no idea. God rocks. You rock baby!

Subject: mmm...
Date: Dec 30 2003 04:26:26 PM
Author: cajun man

Instead of qucks and duails, Dr. Schneider should make a turducken. or even better, a giraffedactal. word.

Subject: It's a good dinner and you know it.
Date: Dec 29 2003 05:19:47 AM
Author: kOn

But why?! Qucks and duails? My dear God, no.

Whatever!

The fact is, this article did more to make me hungry than upset me. The whole thing just sounds delicious.

So, if someone could please be so kind as to say grace quickly so we can eat the hell-bird before it gets cold...

Thanks.

Subject: eh
Date: Dec 28 2003 08:45:36 PM
Author: TEH

I wonder if anyone gets the sarcasm and irony, or am I the only one crazy here?

Subject: Yay for evil scientists
Date: Dec 27 2003 01:47:46 AM
Author: Gumpli

With this cool research I might one day have 10 inch cocks for fingers. Then the ladys will love me. But then would it be even possible to masturbate?

Subject: what karl said
Date: Dec 26 2003 09:50:58 PM
Author: matt

what karl said.

Subject: Proof, if not that then what?
Date: Dec 25 2003 11:37:16 PM
Author: Karl_Hungus

I could go on and on about how this is a validation atheism, and how this biased article can lick my ass, but the research in this field of DNA research and cloning, goes one step further in backing up the falacie of the god myth, and the inabilty of christians to comprehend the fact that life is science and not devine.

Subject: w3rd
Date: Dec 25 2003 07:14:46 PM
Author: ben

nice. all i can say. nice.

Subject: wtf
Date: Dec 25 2003 04:03:33 PM
Author: spatch

I don't know whether to laugh or roll my eyes and rant about born again christians and their never ending rants about god...maybe a clever infusion of both...

Subject: what the fuck
Date: Dec 24 2003 09:10:05 PM
Author: god

are you kidding me?