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A BIN LADEN DOLL
When we were in Japan last month we saw this fucking doll lying in a pile of junk on some guy’s desk. After about 32 seizures and some jumping jacks we calmed down enough to insist that he give it to us. Unfortunately, we had already freaked him out and he thought he could get in trouble (kind of like the time we saw a children’s English book in Taiwan where the main kid was called “niger” and he was “a very lazy boy” and we got so excited they wouldn’t sell it to us). He told us how it arrived in a white box with no info, and it was hyper-illegal, etc., etc. Then, a few weeks later the fucking thing arrives in the mail, white box and all. We figure maybe the Japanese have this weird “face” thing like the Native Americans, where when someone wants something bad enough you have to give it to them. No matter what.
That’s a cool rule, eh?
DEAD MICHAEL JORDAN
When Vietnamese people die, we burn paper bicycles and paper DVD players and paper video games so they have something to do in the afterlife. When Mexicans die, we give the dead adults bottles of tequila, and the dead kids toys. Thing is, dead kids don’t want to play with toys that look like the living. It freaks them out and depresses them. That’s why Day of the Dead toys are all skeletons. Thing I don’t get is, why do they get to make Michael Jordan dead? White kids don’t play with white Michael Jordan dolls. Dead Mexicans are deadist.
OZZY SLIPPERS
British slippers are cool because they show that you stay at home so much you need special home shoes. Not the kind you casually slip on, but the kind you have to like, sit down and pull over your heel. That is couch potato commitment. And what better way to commit to staying at home all day than buying the top-of-the-line customized Ozzy slippers?
Available for about $30 from dvsozzy.com.
HARD MAN PACK
One of the problems with acting like a tough guy and having your face and hands tattooed is, when you lose a fight everyone realizes you’re just a rich kid from Seattle. That’s unfortunate in the local punk scene, but in prison it’s more dangerous than being a stoolie pedophile who loves whistling real loud and always turns off the TV during Oz. With Temporary Hard Man tats you can rub them off the second someone calls your bluff and asks you to step outside, thereby avoiding the whole ugly mess.
Available from VICE NYC, 218 Lafayette Street.
HEROIN HANDS
I don’t know if you’ve ever done junk for more than, like, three days, but you get to this crystal-meth kind of mindset where you could do the same thing for hours and hours and hours. You could wash your hands for so long they’d start to bleed and then you’d start washing
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JUNKY PISS COLA
One man’s garbage is another man’s treasure. In Eastern Canada, lobster was always considered white-trash food, like potatoes or rice. Today, rich people spend tens of dollars for a bite. Same with junky piss. In large areas of the globe, it’s considered a smelly and corrosive source of urea that shouldn’t even be in toilets. Let Keith Richards take a piss in Mexico, however, and you will have kids coming from miles around begging for a sip. They love it so much the government has invented a cola that simulates the taste. Kids swear that it doesn’t compete with the real thing, but then, neither do piss pretzels. What? Read on...
PEE PARTY MIX
That’s right. The tart taste of piss made Super Bowl–friendly. Oooooh kaaaye, I guess they ARE different from us. Now I have TRULY heard everything. Or have I?
BUTTOCK FIRMING GEL
Maybe we should cut the bullshit and just start doing all the Tidbits in Japan. That whole fucking country is a Tidbit. Take this 3-D pack of ass-firming cream. It’s so fucking 3-D that even the droplets of water puff out (which creates a kind of sesame seed effect that makes the package feel exactly like a sandwich). Ass-firming cream that’s made to look like a sandwich? How can that not make you horny?
SHIT TOY
Fat people want to feel a sense of guilt every time they indulge. That’s why they put pictures of pigs on the fridge. I knew of one woman who, after having a miscarriage due to obesity, put said fetus in a huge jar in her fridge just to gross herself out. This shit toy is a little less severe. All you do is twist the neck of the reindeer every time you want a mint, and *plop* out it comes.
WEINER SUCKER
We got this in Finland, and we’re totally offended that just because we ordered an espresso, the woman there fancied us a bunch of homosexuals and gave us this powder. I got news for you, lady: “Fuck you!” We went to your establishment to give you some business, not to have our private bedroom acts judged by some fucking blonde girl in raver boots (bitch).
SICO CONDOMS
If you’ve ever been groped by a psychopath (see here) you will notice that they fuck differently from sane men. Psychos pump really hard and put their fists down on the bed like hooves. They also say strange things like, “Say sorry, say sorry I’m such a whore.” We’ve even heard their penises have small barbs at the end. We’re not saying all this is wrong. All we’re saying is, “Wrap it up!” (see pg. 46). Sico condoms combine extra-strength latex (you know he has warts) with gentle bumps and things that are pleasurable for the woman.
WOODIES
Viagra and other things can make a man so self-conscious he’s actually worse off. Like if he couldn’t get it up and you sat there with your face one inch from it going, “Come on motherfucker, whaddya got!? Let’s see some action.” No. I know this is going to sound totally insane but eating candy bars from France gives men boners. Nobody knows why, and nobody cares. They just do it and it works.
STIFFY STUFF
Jesus, these infantile penis jokes are getting tiring. Why don’t we just go to a sex shop and buy their whole corny joke section? I could write about a toothbrush with a pair of tits on the handle and then we could have that wind-up penis head going across your desk.
DEEP THROAT GEL
This gel is a mild numbing cream that relaxes the lady’s gag reflex so she doesn’t barf all over your cock. There are a few problems with this: a) barfing all over a guy’s cock is fucking hilarious and makes for a story that will easily last about a hundred months; b) the numbing cream also works on the head of your dick, so after a boring blowjob, you can fuck her for three hours until it feels like you’re fucking a fat lesbian that hates you.
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