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| There’s going to be a huge rise in Islamic students this year. There are lot of things you should know about this religion so as not to offend them: if you kill yourself for a good cause you will get prunes, women have to go sleep on the couch if they’re not horny, farts are sent from god to tell us about the motor car industry and if someone takes your picture your sons will be born with medusa dicks that writhe and spiral around singing Neil Diamond songs. So don’t do any of those things in front of them. |
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Puking in the toilet is for tossers (literally). Haven’t you seen Withnail and I? School is all about making your flat so disgusting you can have witty diatribes about monsters in the sink as a mentally ill homo comes out of the bathroom saying, “I feel unusual.”
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If you’re incredibly boring and have nothing to offer people try to get some asinine gimmick like rotting hair that takes hours a day to maintain or an absurd gothic clown costume. Stupid people will think you’re special and that’s about the only people you should be talking to anyway. |
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Instead of getting the new girl a lame housewarming present like a Le Cruset skillet or a potpourri, get her a drunken yob in a £300 shirt and a faux hawk that’s going to tell awkward jokes and then fall asleep on her floor (and maybe pee). She might not like it but everyone in school is going to know you as that girl that gave somebody a drunk guy as a housewarming present.
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Don’t kid yourself. Narcoleptics do not get laid in college! Most people assume they’re closing their eyes because someone is being racist or ageist or whatever and they don’t want to deal. If you sleep a lot but you are not gay make sure you let everyone know that with a sign or a gigantic tattoo that says what you’re all about. |
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| Another great thing about college is nerds finally get their chance to shine. After a lifetime of wedgies and getting caught wanking they can finally cash in on the one thing they know: how to find the surface area of 3x plus y cubed spun about the z axis. Still no pussy though. |
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This is what British people look like the twenty minutes a year the sun comes out: like albino French retards who are doing okay with the chemo but are getting sick of spending all day talking about Le Road Safety Pour Kids. |
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What’s the matter with a ginger from Hackney breakdancing in his Gran’s bedroom? It’s not like the kids in the Bronx aren’t a bunch of uneducated pieces of trash with no Father. Look, even the sofas look the same.
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Coke is great for getting girls to come home with you but it’s not great for helping you to get it up. So if she has agreed to come home with you throw some kind of substitute in there so she doesn’t go home unsatisfied. |
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At college you get to meet a huge variety of people from other cultures. There’s Australians with their funny twangs and love of beer. Scottish people with their crazy brogue and love of beer and even the occasional Canadian with her funny twang, crazy brogue, love of beer and venereal warts.
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If you’re from a small town make sure you go into the big city and check out some of the crazy people. They can tell you all about how AIDS was invented by George Bush and how some weird tea allows you to talk to dead people. They’re all incredibly horny though so just stay for the first two things then get the fuck out of there.
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Contrary to Brazilian belief, British girls are not all minging slappers with huge muffin top beer guts and grating accents that say, “Oi! Fancy a shag?” They are stylish and beautiful women that ask fascinating questions about local architecture and have a wide range of interests. See?
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| Doing shots is fucking fun when they’re right in front of you and everyone’s going, “Hey Oh!” But when you wake up with someone else’s tampon in your hair and some Puke Tupperware by the bed you realise the pros don’t really match the cons. Especially when you throw a full day of explosive diarrhoea and some horrified new roommates into the mix. |
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Hey it’s “Zany Guy.” He’s always the life of the party and has a million hilarious anecdotes that have everyone laughing and laughing until, alas, he has to head off back home where he spends the next three hours alone, sitting in the bottom of the shower with his arms wrapped around his knees, rocking back and forth, bawling his eyes out and moaning into the onslaught of water, “Whoooo aaaam I?” again and again. |
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Comments:
Subject: Student Life
Date: Dec 22 2005 05:36:59 PM
Author: Marlboro Man
Ive lived near manchesters student village (fallowfield) all my life and i'd like to share with you my findings. Most mammals develop a natural equilibrium with their surroundings but students sign up at uni then move to their chosen university and consume every natural resource and then graduate and move on to become freemasons and politions and corporate scum, The is another organism which shares these traits, bacteria (except the graduation bit) , students are a virus and we are the cure (the lovecats do do do-do do doo....). ITS THE SMELL, I FELL IVE BEEN INFECTED BY IT, SATURATED BY IT, I MUST GET OUT OF HERE AND IN YOUR SKULL IS THE KEY, MY KEY. I MUST GET THE ACCESS CODES TO THE BRITISH AIRWAYS MAINFRAME. (Im bored and Ive run out of films to plagerize so im gonna go play counterstrike)
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