Dos

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THE VICE GUIDE TO EVERYTHING

HOW TO GROW UP IN LONG BEACH

FUCK THE USA

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DOS AND DON'TS OF PHOTOGRAPHY

VICELAND SPECIAL: 100 EXTRA DOs & DON'Ts

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DOS & DON'TS

DOS & DON'TS GREATEST HITS

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As Four and all those faggy fashion designers can experiment all they want. Nobody can compete with the kind of creativity billions of shrill voices screaming into your ears can provide. Go ahead, homos, put on a pot of coffee and stare at your inspiration board; this guy is living in a swirling bad acid trip of deafening bass lines and raping babies. His summer collection is literally from hell.


What is this guy, 14? How can someone who's 14 be so much better than us? Fuck, his whole thing is perfect, from the old Sid Vicious neck chain to the new Casualties shirt. The only thing bad I could say about his look is that my dick isn't in his mouth (just kidding).

Click to enlarge
There's this new look going around called "traveling-business-lady grunge" and it's making us so horny we feel like running up to them, pulling out our dicks, and just sobbing. If you go from the bottom up, it's like Manolo Blahnik goes to Tampa, then has a meeting in Manhattan, and, finally, ends up goofing with the gals back at their sorority house. That's everything great about all women everywhere.


Check the shoes. This is what we said in the DOs & DON'Ts guide: Stop giving us the ultimatum of "high heels or flip-flops." There are in-betweens. You can wear running shoes when it's hot out or it's a big walking day. If that feels too boring you can always spice things up by putting paint in your dog's hair. But please, stop making us endure five days of flip-flops just because we got one night of heels.		But when we do get heels night, it sure is a treat. Especially when they make themselves up to be a zippy piece of yellow and blue candy that is totally devoted to her friends but is still coming home with you.


You know in the winter when you're wrestling with your coat buttons and your feet are always wet and you go, "I am getting fucking sick of freezing to death, when is it going to be summer?" Well, it's here, bitch. It's here in all its don't-give-a-shit-hanging-around- what-do-you-want-to-do-today glory.		Having a "Live by the bottle, die by the bottle" tattoo outside a liquor store is about as good as it gets. The only way you could fuck up this look is if you had track marks all over your arms and, like, a spider tattooed on your nose or something.


Never mind the choker (all kids make that mistake), this guy is so devoted to matching, he fucking spray-painted his shoes! What were you doing when you were that age, going through your "hat phase"? Fuck you.		Speaking of color coordination, check out how the steady dollops of pink add a loving thread to the already hugely optimistic gloves and sweater. Heavy matching is the best thing black people ever taught us.
Click here for the DON'TS

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Subject: Matching and pink
Date: Oct 07 2006 08:12:07 PM
Author: ROMULOX

You guy's are saying what I've been saying for YEARS.

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Subject: the collection from hell
Date: May 30 2005 12:26:12 AM
Author: the non-fashion designer s' friend

My best friend is studing to become a designer, and I am the only friend he has who is not all crazy about what I am wearing for any given day. This made me go no futher than laugh and send it to him. Thank you Vice.

Subject: ...
Date: Oct 01 2004 02:36:59 AM
Author: JohnnyThunders

vice isnt my favourite magazine, but you guys are idiots.

the do's and dont's aren't particularly funny most of the time, but what is funny is seeing the readers get so offended - yet month after month you come back to read the new ones anyway...

meh

Subject: i forgot
Date: Sep 16 2004 12:13:37 AM
Author: oh ya oh ya

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Subject: squuuuuuugie punks
Date: Sep 16 2004 12:08:00 AM
Author: oh yah really

so after the guy got 12 bucks from squeegeing yer car you gave him five bucks for a picture? how cool is it to get a spider tattoo and spend all yer hard earned cash on getting high? not that hard. find a new kick for the do's buddies..it's a gettin old to think heroin is cool.

Subject: montavillian
Date: Sep 14 2004 03:35:21 PM
Author: Stephanie

Whatever man, Do you speak Chinese? You might as well switch to that now. Least youll have an excuse for being so fucking unintelligible.

Subject: ?
Date: Sep 13 2004 10:19:54 PM
Author: Czar

How exactly is this a classic case of the blind leading the blind? Honestly, I'm stumped. Is this just a misguided cliche or do you really feel this trite, overused saying most accurately describes exactly the disappointment you feel toward the article? Oh, I get it. You're another shit spanker that doesn't use capital letters or words and phrases correctly. You use the word 'literally' and 'ironic' because you heard it on Friends once. Go suck E.E