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From left to right: Mole laughing his ass off,
Perry losing his shit, Don loving it. Photo by Dan Monick.
VICE flew out to L.A. because Windy City Heat is, quite simply, the greatest movie of all time. The film stars Scary Perry as sports detective Stone Fury (unleash the fury) and his buddies Don and Mole as two adversaries determined to fuck up his life. “I see it as top 10,” says a confident and calm Perry, despite the fact that he’s never viewed the film, “if not the number-one comedy or drama, then the number-one action film of the year.” Perry has a right to be this smug. He’s a total, total genius. The problem is his two costars seem determined to stand in his way (dicks). The following interview is a desperate attempt to talk to Perry about his gripping new character, Stone Fury. Thanks to his “friends” Mole and Don, however, it ends up being something else entirely.
Scary Perry: I bought a Toyota FX-16. Love the car, but right now it won’t drive due to the fact that the alternator sucked the juice out of the battery. I went to start it and it went dead. More things to fix on that car. I bought a old junk and now I’m rebuilding the whole damn thing.
Don: That’s a great way to start off an interview. Your first cover story. Is that how you’re going to act today?
SP: No.
Don: What if you fuck this up?
SP: I’m not.
Don: What if you do? You’ve fucked up many times in your life. What if you fuck up?
SP: I won’t.
Don: What if you do?
SP: I won’t. Did I fuck up on the movie?
Don: Yes.
SP: Bullshit. Bobcat Goldthwait took me aside and he said “I had this set booked for three months but you pulled it off in three days.”
Don: Of course he’s going to say that. He’s a director. Okay, end of interview.
At this point Don grabs Perry and takes him aside. Don is a very domineering and crass person who seems to have a hidden agenda. Conversely, Mole is so kind and optimistic, he seems totally oblivious to what is going on around him. Together they make a fire-and-water mix that keeps Perry in a constant state of rage. While they stood there congregating (or, more accurately, while Don pointed his finger at Perry’s face and Mole stared off happily into the horizon behind them), I wondered why these three were together and how this movie could have come out at all.
After a good ten minutes, they told me the interview is back on but we had to do it in Don’s Lexus. Mole was told to stay at Perry’s house while Don and Perry and I went for a drive.
Don: Perry’s getting distracted because he’s a total amateur. He’s going to come off in this thing sounding totally unprofessional.
SP: I’m unprofessional?
Don: Shut the fuck up.
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VICE: Perry, why don’t you tell me a little bit about what got you here.
SP: I was born in Chi-town, Chicago, Illinois. I came to L.A. on May 14, 1974, and I got here at about 3:30.
Don: That’s great, Perry. Why don’t you tell him about how you shave your chest like a little bitch, you fucking idiot.
SP: Why did you bring that up!?
Don: I’m trying to say don’t talk about it!
SP: Why did you bring it up!?
Don: All I’m trying to say is don’t talk about it! It’s as simple as can be!
SP: I don’t bring it up! You and Mole always do!
Don: But you might have! I’m trying to stop you before you do!
SP: I shave from my hair down to my balls every two days and I do it for the ladies. I don’t want some chick sucking on my nipple and then having to spit out hairs. OK? There.
Don: Okay, end of interview.
Perry: [after a long silence in the car he notices some girls on the street] Bush! Bush! I love bush! Oh oh oh oh. Mmm titties. I love titties. [sticking his head out the window] Hey girls! I’m the most romantic guy you’ll ever meet! You want to get with a full-blooded Italian?
Don: Ha-ha. Hey, I gotta tell you something. Perry’s a proud Italian, and you know these idiots, these fucking Italians—
SP: Oh, we’re idiots?
Don: He’ll try to defend them, but to no avail. Like for instance, Perry, name one good Italian.
SP: Christopher Columbus, one. Dino Ferrari, two. Mario Andretti, one of the best race car drivers out there. Michael Andretti. Danny Andretti. Um…other Italians. There’s historical guys that I can’t remember their names right now.
Don: Well that’s really good, Perry.
SP: How about this? Marlon Brando. The leading Italian actor out there. That won’t take shit from nobody.
Don: Yep.
It’s been about 15 minutes and the car is now in Perry’s driveway. After a bizarre tour around the block, we are back home. Mole is standing in the driveway with open arms. Perry does not respond.
Mole: Hey, guys, you’re back.
SP: Hi, Mole.
Mole: What did you guys talk about?
SP: Nothing.
Mole: Did you talk about how you want to fuck your sister?
SP: Why do you always bring that up too!? I don’t have a fucking sister!
Mole: You said you love Jennifer Korbin like a baby sister and you treat her like a sister and then you said you want to have sex with her. Is that how you treat your sister?
SP: That’s not what I said, you fucking prick!
Mole: [to VICE] Can I tell you what’s going on here? A lot of girls like Don because he has a big tongue—
Don: and a big dick—
Mole: and a big dick, but Perry’s mad because he wants to have sex with his baby sister.
Perry: He’s full of shit, one. Jennifer Korbin is a very close friend of mine. I’ve known her since the eve of 2000.
Mole: This is this girl who Perry said is his little sister.
SP: Is like. I treat her like she is my sister.
Mole: So then you said you wanted to have sex with her.
SP: Well, because—
Mole: But that’s how you treat your little sister?
SP: She’s not. We’re not blood.
Mole: Yeah, but you said you treated her like you treat your little sister. Is that how you treat your little sister?
SP: What did I just tell you?
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| From left to right: 1 Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla award Perry an Emmy for Simply Don the Public Access Program, 2 Don and Perry celebrate unbrainwashing Mole after his unfortunate kidnapping, 3 “The Big Three” celebrate getting the number one public access spot in America 4 Don shows off a bite mark Perry gave him while driving. |
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| From left to right: 1 Perry looking over his contract. He always has to have a contract. 2 Perry after seeing The Truman Show. “I didn’t get it,” he said. “No truer words have ever been spoken,”Don Barris replied. 3 Perry as a baby. He was convinced it made him look like Sam Kinison reborn. 4 Perry yelling, “Ga! Ga! Goo!Goo!” |
VICE: Let’s try to get this interview started here.
Don: Can we make a pact right now? No more talk of chest-shaving, or faggots, or any shit like that.
Mole: Yeah, just don’t brag about smoking crack or picking up hookers or anything like that Perry.
SP: What is this stupid shit?
VICE: How about I ask the questions here?
SP: Thank you. Goddamn.
VICE: Question one—
SP: And you’re touching my shit again.
Don: I didn’t touch anything.
SP: That’s my fucking pager.
VICE: There’s a lot of buzz—
SP: And I bet my keys are fucking gone in my fucking pockets, too, now.
Don: You never know. All right. Let’s get this interview going.
SP: If my keys are missing out of my fucking pockets, I am going to fucking kill you.
Don: Why me?
SP: Because it’s either you or Mole.
Mole: What the fuck did I do now?
SP: Jesus Christ.
VICE: There’s a lot of buzz about this movie and I want to find out how it all came about. When did Windy City Heat begin?
Mole: Can I say something? Windy City Heat is real, real, real special. It combines total partying and total good movie and then we totally messed it up so it’s not what you expect when you see it. I think Perry is going to be very surprised.
VICE: One thing I don’t understand is why hasn’t Perry seen his own movie? As far as I understand it only Don and Mole and the producers have seen it, but I understand that Perry’s handling of Stone is pure brilliance. A level of intensity not seen since DeNiro in Raging Bull. Anyhoo, my question to Perry is this: What do you draw upon, what do you summon, to become that down-and-dirty, always-gets-his-man, ultra-bad-ass-sports detective Stone Fury?
SP: When I’m Stone Fury I draw upon the sports people. When I walk into a stadium, they recognize me just by looking at me.
Mole: Who does?
SP: Anybody.
Mole: Like the hot-dog vendors?
SP: Not quite.
Don: The custodians?
Mole: The players?
Don: The fans?
SP: The players, the fans, everybody recognizes me.
Mole: The defensive coaches?
Don: Offensive coaches?
Mole: Cheerleaders?
SP: Cheerleaders, everybody recognizes me because I am the one guy that always stands out.
Don: How about the guys in the front office? Like the secretary that sends out promotional stuff?
Mole: Season-ticket holders?
SP: Can I say something?
VICE: Yes.
SP: OK Windy City Heat started in um, in the effect of that I have an attitude and [Don spills a large glass of water on Perry who, incidentally, is still in his underwear].
Don: Oh, shit.
SP: You FUCKING ASSHOLE!
Don: Perry, sit down. I made a mistake.
SP: I am gone!
Don: Perry, sit down we are in the middle of an interview.
SP: I am fucking gone! [Perry gets up from the table and the two begin to wrestle]
Don: Perry.
SP: Get the fuck away from me!
Don: If you bite me I’m going to punch you.
SP: I fucking hate you!
Don: Perry, calm down. If you bite me I am going to punch your face to death.
Perry: I want my fucking keys! [Perry leaves the room to go find his keys and Don follows him].
Mole: I’d like to say I think Perry handled that very well.
WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
Windy City Heat is airing throughout this month on Comedy Central. Click here for more info. Trust us (Perry did), once you see what is going on here your mind will be blown so far out your ass you will never be the same again.
UPDATE
VICE [calling Don Barris]: Dude, what the fuck is going on? The Perry Experiment is all over the news. Everyone is going to know it’s a prank before it comes out!
Don: What are you talking about?
VICE: It was in the New York Fucking Post today. It says right here, “Jimmy Kimmel— after playing pranks for six years on a gullible and ambitious friend—finally convinced Perry Caravello he’d be starring in a movie. But Windy City Heat, which premieres Oct. 12 on Comedy Central, actually shows Caravello as he is fooled into thinking he’s playing a hard-boiled detective named Stone Fury, a role that will make him “bigger than Brando.” But there is no such movie, and everyone is in on the hoax except for Caravello, who is ‘susceptible, egomaniacal, fame-hungry,’ according to Kimmel.”
Don: Shit, I thought we were just doing Howard Stern, the day before the movie came out, and then VICE. Call Jimmy.
VICE [calling Jimmy Kimmel]: Dude, what the fuck? I just saw the New York Post.
Jimmy Kimmel: Relax, relax, what did you think was going to happen? It’s going to be on TV.
VICE: I thought we’d be out before you gave the game away. I did the interview as William Hearst. They even gave away that Mole was Tony Barbieri!
JK: Mole had his name legally changed to Tony Barbieri last week “to sound more Italian, like his best pal Perry.” As far as Perry is concerned, we just played a joke on the New York Post.
VICE: What!? I’m going to call Tony right now. [calling Tony Barbieri]: Dude, I am freaked out by all this.
Tony Barbieri: By what?
VICE: By what? I’m freaked out that the cat was let out of the bag so early. I always wondered how you were going to deal with it when he saw the movie but— actually, how were you planning to deal with it when he saw the movie?
TB: Call Don.
VICE [calling Don again]: Don, how did plan to air this movie without having Perry kill you or sue you or something?
Don: We took him out for dinner and told him there were some problems. We said the funder, Hiroshima Nagasaki, didn’t like the “actual” movie and he wanted to do a behind-the-scenes thing. Once Perry was okay with that idea, we told him that also, Mr. Nagasaki is a big fan of Punk’d and Jamie Kennedy Experiment and wanted it to look like a prank.
Wow.
Don: So then Mole goes, “Hey, I’m the star of the movie, so it’s a prank on me!” and then I add, “No, idiot, I’m the star of the movie, so it’s a prank on me,” at which point Perry decides to take over the meeting and says, “Shut up, both of you assholes. I’m the fuckin’ star of the movie. The whole thing is a prank on me.” And that was it.
Wow, that’s genius. It’s become a genre, like an evolution of crank calls. I think there’s another TV show like it called Joe Schmo.
Don: You should call Jimmy about that.
VICE [calling Jimmy again]: What’s the deal with Joe Schmo?
JK: Aw, I don’t want to get into that. Let’s just say the people behind that show were very into The Perry Experiment and soon after seeing it came up with a show where a bunch of actors tricked a guy into thinking he was on a reality show.
This whole thing is getting so complicated. I mean, in the article I want to get involved in the prank without looking like I’m getting duped too, but I don’t want to wreck everything.
JK: It’s incredibly complicated, actually. I mean, I know that I like it. I know that I think it’s funny, but I’m not sure I’d understand it if I wasn’t in on it from the beginning.
I’m just really into this thing and I want to make sure our readers get how fucking amazing it is.
JK: Do you ever have clips on your site?
Yeah, that’s a good idea.
JK: Right, we’ll send you a dub of the tapes from your interview with him, and you can put them up on your site. That way your article is like the next chapter in the Perry saga. After people see Windy City Heat they’re going to be begging for more.
I’ll do that and I’ll have an update thing at the end where I transcribe this conversation.
JK: I wouldn’t bother with the update. Just do the clips.
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