THE WORLD'S GREATEST JOB - The Life of a Jizz Mopper

VICE: I thought jizz moppers didn't exist anymore. Isn't it illegal to beat off in public places now?
Mike Hilliard: If the police raid your video store and they find a bunch of guys all beating each other off, it can get your store closed down in a minute. But quiet jerkers in one-person booths are a different story. In places like New York it's harder to get away with it, but in Kansas City it's easier. The place I work at is on the edge of a trailer park, and we have a regular clientele with a minimum of the passing-through trade you'd get in a city.

How much do you make?
Minimum wage, I'm afraid. You'd think it would be $80 an hour, but it's all about supply and demand. If I quit right now I don't know what I'd do and I'd probably be replaced in a minute.

Can you tell what a guy's load will be like just by looking at him? You know, yellowish or more whitish, ropy or watery…
Thankfully, a lot of guys tend to wipe up their own cum with the towels provided. Usually the worst part of the job is emptying the trashcan full of jizzed-up fucking tissues in every single booth. They all get crusted together and form these 3-D sculptures out of jizz rag. I always wear rubber gloves and carry bleach so I don't have to worry about AIDS or anything like that. We also have a lot of Magic Trees and pine disinfectant to cover up the smell of cum.

That works?
Sort of. You can still always kind of detect the cum smell. I leave the cleaning operations until the end of the day and hope that most of the people who use the booths will clean up after themselves.

What's the worst thing you've seen on the job?
Once these two gay dudes were in a booth together, and I guess one of them had gotten his tooth so far up the other guy's urethra that his dick started to bleed on the dude's face. Cocks bleed a lot if they get a chance. Both of them started freaking out because of the blood and everything, all "Oh, my God, call an ambulance!" One of them was falling out of the booth with his pants around his ankles and the other one was wiping the blood off his face with his nasty rain jacket. That was fucked up. That was only my second week of working there.

NATALIE BREYER

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Subject: Fucking Gay
Date: Jan 04 2006 01:33:35 PM
Author: breazeale_m@yahoo.com

All of yall who leave a message on this board are gay....email me bitch.....breazeale_m@yahoo.com fuckers or call me 936-560-2927

Subject: Gay people
Date: Dec 14 2005 01:27:07 PM
Author: Jake

Uh, given that the overwhelming majority of the population is NOT gay, but heterosexual, it stands to reason there are a LOT MORE 'horny, methed out, sex crazed' =heterosexuals= than gays of the same sort.

Stop throwing stones at people and tarring everyone in a given class with the same brush. Straight or gay, a person is an individual. Being one or the other doesn't in itself make them good or bad.

As a gay man I could say 'why do NON-gays exist?' I mean, MOST of the sexual crimes in society are performed by heterosexuals, since they're in the huge majority. Just the facts.
I wouldn't say that though, since each person is the way he/she was born and deserves respect.

Just because same-sex sex isn't your natural, inbred inclination, don't diss others for whom it is. Gays don't knock straights for being straight and having forms of sex which for them are by nature unpalatable. When a person has to put down anyone or a group of people not like himself, it just reflects back on his own self as being insecure.

Live, and let live, friend; don't forget you are as valuable as the next person. When you trash others you trash yourself. If you want to be respected, respect others and you'll live a long & happy life.

Subject: boo
Date: Nov 07 2005 03:40:57 AM
Author: you

my cunt fuck sucky love

Subject: You'd never guess
Date: Oct 25 2005 03:13:38 PM
Author: EC Fanatic

I think I know the place he's talking about. They had live nude girls dancing upstairs. That was one place you didn't want to have to go to the bathroom. You had to walk past all these gays lurking against the walls to take a piss. And... the bathroom door had a huge "peep style" hole in it. Man, we used to do anything to look at pussy and not have to pay a cover.

Subject: real man jobs
Date: Oct 25 2005 02:10:38 PM
Author: that is fuckin crazy

all of you should clearly be able to see that this is a real man's job. how many of you would be even WILLING to do this, even if on command. this guy has major balls to be doing something like this, i know i could never do it.

Subject: There's no way
Date: Oct 25 2005 10:02:15 AM
Author: kill_me_now

I could ever do that job, too afraid my Doc's would stick to the floor!

Subject: i think
Date: Oct 25 2005 04:26:32 AM
Author: yo homies

i would allow this dude to sodomize your entire family

Subject: jizzzz mopper
Date: Oct 25 2005 04:15:11 AM
Author: f u

You are one sad, pathetic man.......most of the jizz you are cleaning up is probably yours and your fag buddies.

Subject: i need a job in iceland
Date: Aug 06 2005 11:43:09 AM
Author: olumide

i will like ot work and live in iceland pls help me

Subject: .
Date: Jan 24 2005 06:32:05 PM
Author: jizz mopper!!!!

I want to bang your brains out until you're stuck to the spooge-infested walls.

Subject: yo ladies
Date: Jul 15 2004 02:28:28 AM
Author: Emm

I aint a player, I just coach the whole team.

Subject: someones gotta do it
Date: Jul 08 2004 08:57:02 PM
Author: Swaney

but damn on minimum wage... that dude needs a pay rise

anyone from new zealand here?

Subject: solutions
Date: May 31 2004 02:08:22 PM
Author: ha ha

there's just one question raised by this article.
should we starve these poeple, or should we just shoot the scum?

if someone can't clean up their own fucking jizz, then they're not fit to live.

if youy're willing to come off the dole to clean up someone elses jizz, then you're worse.

Thank god they still make Cyclon B!

Subject: divine intervention
Date: May 25 2004 02:31:04 PM
Author: in need of real manko

yeah my jizz-cloth is crusty, I need a UK whore. ya know when you just wanna know (prove) your still a man or if you lost your natural instincts of fucking a nice juicy pussy, because of "social etiquette' cock-blocking talking and the concept that the church and state have to stick their legal greedy hands into personal relationships.
I dont dig that assumption.

Subject: not bad
Date: May 21 2004 04:06:36 PM
Author: woods

don't let the first impression throw you off. I used to do this for a living and it was the best fucking job I'd ever had. I would just get so fucked up before coming in that i barely noticed what I was doing, and the manager would give me a free point of down every once in a a while. A shame the store burned down.

Subject: ??
Date: May 20 2004 11:55:01 AM
Author: ?

Jack White? That's Kirk Fucking Hammet!

Subject: jizz is the new black
Date: May 11 2004 06:46:45 PM
Author: rich art collector

where can i get my hands on the next series of 3D jizz sculptures

Subject: ...
Date: May 11 2004 06:53:02 PM
Author: emi

wow...heh that guy bares a strange resemblence to my cousin...

Subject: makin love
Date: May 11 2004 12:46:31 AM
Author: syb

wow!!!!!
a huuuh!!!!

Subject: your mothers bush 666
Date: May 05 2004 05:27:05 PM
Author: Jizzspiller

what a lovely tea party, ur all a bunch of fucken retards

Subject: uk whore
Date: May 03 2004 01:52:19 PM
Author: ass man

if you need a good fuck, call me and I'll give you the best ass fuck you ever had. After I've violated your ass and cummed all over your face, I'll give you that Prada bag you so richly deserve.

Seriously, all I really want is to cum on your face. you are a whore and deserve to be treated like one.

Subject: Are you fucking serious
Date: May 01 2004 04:54:37 AM
Author: Are you fucking serious

I'm going to bed

Subject: cable guy
Date: Apr 30 2004 12:17:38 AM
Author: ivan

i thought my cable guy job sucked

Subject: sexist anti-sexism.
Date: Apr 29 2004 09:38:49 PM
Author: uk male

hmm, the 'uk whore' is entitled to her opinion. But come on guys, no need to be a dick about it. "what would...you do without a man to buy a house for u to clean???" Ur just living up to what she wants you to be.

Her comment was sexist, which is what she is probaly against. Unfortunatly she is too one sided to be a non-sexist equal rights protester. the irony.

Subject: UK whore
Date: Apr 29 2004 06:34:50 PM
Author: Ahhem

Guys, don't let that DRY uk whore get to you. She just needs a really really good fuck. Then a fabulously expensive a prada bag.

Subject: U.K. Whore
Date: Apr 29 2004 02:00:21 PM
Author: jabberwocky

Bitch, I'll freeze your fucking head in my fridge if you don't watch what you say.

Who the fuck pays for your Prada? Who pays your credit card bill every month? Who puts food on your fucking kids table?

It's a man bitch, and dont you forget it.

Subject: sex
Date: Apr 29 2004 11:37:01 AM
Author: kaleish mohammed

you have no good pictures

Subject: A total work of fiction
Date: Apr 28 2004 06:52:06 PM
Author: Bum rush

Hey MA, i think I just pissed in me fuckin pants~ brilliant!

Subject: To the UK whore
Date: Apr 28 2004 01:58:33 PM
Author: lezzie killer

Bitch, my office full of breadwinning males PISS all over you incompetent fucking secretaries. Say what u want about men, the cucumber u stik up your sour pussy has to go bad sometime and then you'll be whining for one of us. A world without men? That would be the Phillipines, and what would all you maids do without a man to buy a house for u to clean???

Subject: Aren't men disgusting animals?
Date: Apr 27 2004 11:59:39 AM
Author: A uk whore

This just sums them up for the sad, pathetic creatures they are. I say we freeze their sperm and get rid of them as a species altogether.

Subject: what about snerts...
Date: Apr 26 2004 08:13:25 PM
Author: deFeCtiVe

Do a story on me, I sniff girl bikes seats and chairs ladies sat in...whoooooooo let the funk flow sista!

Subject:
Date: Apr 26 2004 01:59:59 AM
Author:

sick!!

Subject: mop job
Date: Apr 25 2004 01:36:03 PM
Author: Wet Origami

I interviewed for a job just like that in Dallas. The ad offered eight dollars an hour but when I got there it was six an hour plus two dollars in tokens.

What the fuck would I do with sixteen dollars a day in tokens good only at a crappy jack shack?

It's fifteen years later and I'm looking for work again. Shit.

Subject: for all your sakes
Date: Apr 25 2004 08:58:53 AM
Author: Hoffa

Form a union bitch, get some rights or something

Subject: six feet under
Date: Apr 24 2004 10:26:51 PM
Author: I wish i had his job

seeing as how embalming bodies on HBO's Six Feet Under was obviously not sick enough for him, Rico that loveable mexican is now a fully liscenced smoo sponger. yay for Rico.

Subject: Fuck!
Date: Apr 24 2004 04:12:23 PM
Author: misterscary999

This reminded me of the time I was walking by the Lusty Lady in SF. I saw a poor fuck with mop and bucket inside the place. I can only assume that he had the same job as this poor fuck. What struck me to look in the first place was that this guy was wearing knee-high black leather and chrome BMX dirtbike boots! He had cum-proofed his legs and feet! Like I said to the London shit cleaner- get another fucking job, man! Don't they have Starbucks out there? Fuck!

Subject: You the man!
Date: Apr 24 2004 10:56:07 AM
Author: Jizzer

You make this world a better place to live in.

Subject: ..
Date: Apr 24 2004 05:53:13 AM
Author: Tony LaVanway

Dude..
I bought pot from him.
And he shorted me..Arghhh..

Subject: jizz-mopper
Date: Apr 23 2004 07:51:08 PM
Author: me

what the fuck is Jack White doing cleaning up jizz in a trailer park?

Subject: jizz mopper
Date: Apr 23 2004 12:28:03 PM
Author: MAALOX

I would love to lick the floors up after all the jizzers.

Subject: trained monkeys
Date: Apr 23 2004 10:00:20 AM
Author: tristam shandy

That's something, that you could train a whore to write exactly like you, and in the same issue train a cum jockey from the midwest to SPEAK just like you do. VICE. I used to look up to you. Your British affiliates are less talented, but fuck, at least they are honest about being conservative, fashion obsessed rich kids with psych pill subscriptions and a coke habit supported by their lawyer fathers.

guess I'd do the same-- ah you assholes are all right

Subject: MEDO_RAFAT@YAHOO.COM
Date: Apr 23 2004 09:47:01 AM
Author: MEDO_RAFAT

TY6YTYTDR

Subject: I got it on with the jizz mopper
Date: Apr 22 2004 10:40:03 PM
Author: Kristine

I left my stripclub high on E around 8:30 a.m. and jumped in a cab with this guy from the parking lot who was going in the same direction as me,he encouraged me come to the porn-video palace with him...so we went in the back and I gave him a handjob while watchingsome videos,he left and I was still horney as fuck and went back again with some guy who had just walked in...after a blowjob,I was still on a sex high and stated flirting with Indian boy that cleans the place....they were all looking at me and I made him stick his fingers on my clit and to fingerfuck me,he was really good and eager and whenever I need a good orgasm I go back there and we go in a booth and he gets me off...

Subject: Rock on!
Date: Apr 22 2004 12:32:30 PM
Author: Bloodjet

In the end, you have to ask yourself what's worse: mopping jizz or playing guitar for Metallica? I think he made a noble choice.

Subject: cum dumpster
Date: Apr 21 2004 09:51:13 PM
Author: Serge D Nimes

If I had that job, I'd wear a white shirt, because if he spills cum on his black shirt it'll really stand out. Then people will say, "hey, is that cum on your shirt." Go on welfare, it pays more!

Subject: That's the problem!
Date: Apr 20 2004 02:56:57 PM
Author: Smiles

Forget the mopping he looks as though he should be mowing my lawn..

Subject: get a mop
Date: Apr 17 2004 05:14:01 PM
Author: carl

It appears this young gentleman is performing a task necessary to the industry. I applaud his incredible courage and vigor. God bless him for being man enough to take on the task.

Subject: McPorn
Date: Apr 16 2004 02:35:30 PM
Author: Ronnie Lee

I wouldnt mind a job like that if I lived in a trailer park.I used to mop up oil in a diesel garage.It was a total bitch.I was covered in diesel fuel and oil all day.I had a headache 99.9% of the time.Cum probably comes up way easier and dipshit with the molestache gets to watch porn the rest of the time.

Subject: holy fuck
Date: Apr 14 2004 04:42:13 PM
Author: marjon

id rather go on welfare omg

Subject: Dear God
Date: Apr 14 2004 02:50:36 PM
Author: Dylan G-Man

That has got to be the worst article I've ever read. Ever hear of McDonalds...they pay minimum wage too ya know

Subject: Kansas City Chief?=Mike
Date: Apr 14 2004 08:27:03 AM
Author: Homeless Cop

Not only does the 'stash rock, but he's got a good outlook for a Jizz Mopper in a Trailer Park. Buck up there youngin'....save some dough and move to a real city like Chicago. You make minimum wage? Jesus,...save this young lad!

Subject: trash stache
Date: Apr 13 2004 11:35:30 PM
Author: you wish you were me

if by 'best' you mean 'most fucking awful' then i agree.
p.s. that dude's mustache rocks

Subject: this whole magazine
Date: Apr 13 2004 04:11:36 PM
Author: tk421

is made-up.

but doing coke is really cool--that part is true.

Subject: wow
Date: Apr 13 2004 08:47:38 AM
Author: Uncle Geoffy

shit. I sorta feel better about selling my soul to Gap Inc now. Sorta.

Subject: jizzing prevents cancer
Date: Apr 13 2004 03:20:56 AM
Author: RT

It's true.

http://thedecadentwest.blogspot.com/2004_04_01_thedecade
ntwest_archive.html#108174859759315780

Subject: DANG thatssucks
Date: Apr 13 2004 12:38:57 AM
Author: www.suprfukr.com

shit bitting a nother dudes goods jesus wont forgive that bro dang.Hey is the guy in the pic the real jizz cleaner cus that dudle looks like he works at vice whats up with that shit bro???

Subject: man...
Date: Apr 12 2004 10:24:20 PM
Author: al

gay guys are the fucking WORST!

why do they exist?

disgusting!

I mean, I'm down for the tom fords and shit like that, but those horny, methed out, sex crazed fags have got to go...

Subject: ...
Date: Apr 12 2004 08:49:27 PM
Author: ...

fucking glamorous.