After failing to get any of the eight jobs for which I recently had interviews, I decided that something was definitely amiss. The position requirements for each matched my skill level, so the only conclusion I could come to was that there were too many people going for too few jobs. I stomped my foot and pouted until the Australian government told me exactly who was stealing my precious jobs. Guess what? It's foreigners.

According to our politicians, immigration in Australia is double-edged. On the one hand, we must demonstrate maturity and responsibility on the international stage by taking in those who need refuge. We need to have jobs and not starve to death while still trying to increase the skills base of our workforce by accepting people with abilities in certain specialties—and those with plenty of cash. On the other hand, we need to protect our borders and not be seen as a ‘soft touch' when it comes to people who do not follow the official route through the red tape.

Our Prime Minister says that if we're seen as an ‘easy' destination for people fleeing dictatorships, persecution or shithouse labour laws, we'll have a flood of tatty foreigners coming over here and taking our precious jobs picking fruit and hauling bricks. Fruit that I could have picked and bricks that I could have hauled!

How do we take care of the strangers already in our midst? We rat them out, stupid! The Federal Department of Immigration and Multicultural Affairs (DIMA) has implemented a telephone line so that we can dob the scum in. They're targeting people who overstay their visa, people who work without permission and ‘others breaching immigration laws.'

When I called the 1-800 "Dob-in" number to find out what I could personally do about all those people who were swiping jobs from under me—like could I maybe form a private militia of vengeance or something along those lines—they said I would have to direct a specific complaint to the compliance section. Rather unsatisfying.

I guess they think if they put ads in the paper saying you can dob in illegal foreign workers, Mr. Smith from Cranbourne will believe they're hardasses when it comes to illegal immigrants. It's an election thing—the same kind of pointless, xenophobic, picking on the helpless type shit that won them the last election. And don't worry—not a single employer who's been exploiting these wretched wretches—paying a pittance and providing inadequate benefits—has been penalised. Not even for being traitorous, job-pilfering opportunists.

Australia's Minister for Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs, Amanda Vanstone seems pleased with how the program has gone though. "This sort of intelligence information has assisted immigration officers locate over 6,000 illegal workers and overstayers over the past few years," she says. "My department does a great job in tracking people down, and when we have the enthusiasm and support of the public, we do an even better job tackling this problem."

I've found a much better use for the hotline than putting Akbar into the shit. Next time you're getting cock-blocked by some twattish English tourist who's working cash in hand at your local backpackers—which can't be that uncommon as according to DIMA there are about 30,000 illegal workers in Australia—you might like to show them the above ad and then suggest they fuck off before you dob them in. Faced with a couple of months in the Port Hedland detention centre before a messy deportation, they'll hopefully be more respectful of your right to first dibs on the local tottie.

WILL JACKSON