Get emailed when we put a new issue online:





THIS ISSUE:
LAPDANCERS UNITE!
WHEN I GROW UP
THE WORLD'S GREATEST JOB
BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING
FIRE A FRIEND
LYING HOMO
HIGH SPY
GIRL FIGHTS
KING OF COOL
LIGHTNING BALD
I LOVE THE LIBERTINES
LOADED BASES
GARAGE GOES ESKIMO
M.O.P.'S MOMMY
PRETTY IN PINK
VICE PARTY

REGULARS:
DEAR DIARY
DOS AND DON'TS
ELECTRIC INDEPENDENCE
FASHION
POCKETS DUMB FAT
PICTURES
SKINEMA
TIDBITS

BACK ISSUES
GUIDES








April, 1998
I don't even want to try to write for the "Open Your Eyes and See" essay contest. I know I won't win so why should I even fucking bother? I wish more than anything else in the world—wait, honestly, if I had had three wishes they would be
1. for my mother to be completely happy with her life and to live a long one
2. for Bobby to live a full and rich life and to be happy and lucky
3. for me to be the most amazingly brilliant writer.
Johnny has a girlfriend. Also, Andre started working at the Yogurt ‘n Such at Plainview, but I don't want to switch stores because I can't leave Stacey.
Peace out,
Lesley

April, 2004
I chickened out of the "Open Your Eyes and See" contest because I didn't know what to write about––I couldn't think outside the box, if you know what I mean. Whatever though, let's talk about Yogurt ‘n Such, my first real job. Turning 14 meant getting my "working papers" and it meant getting paid $4.50 an hour. Stacey, my manager, was a year older than me. She was perfect—tan skin, long blonde hair, white leather Keds that matched her gleaming white teeth. She taught me how to steal from the cash register. We had it all worked out, because you can't really take inventory on frozen yogurt. The "Such" part of the job was throwing veggie burgers and cookies at mean customers. Or maybe the "Such" was what the frozen yogurt tasted like after we spit in it.

After I quit (Stacey quit first, and I realized I had no idea how to do my job once she was gone), I worked as a telemarketer for a minute, but I got fired because I would just call my friends. Then I returned to the soft-serve biz at Carvel (Carv-Hell), but it wasn't hell at all, really. All the drug dealers sold weed in the parking lot, so work was pretty much smooth sailin'. Plus, I worked with a bunch of Italian guys who were like, "Girls don't mop. Girls don't do garbage." My job was to work the register and look pretty. Which I did.

LESLEY ARFIN



Your email:
Their email:



Comments:

Subject: other term
Date: May 06 2004 06:31:51 PM
Author: useful

poopy plop - around here "gunt" is called "fupa," for fat upper pussy area.



Subject: you there
Date: Apr 26 2004 02:25:50 PM
Author: el tule

I'd drink her piss





Subject: pee pee
Date: Apr 26 2004 09:29:35 AM
Author: happy

u can pee on me anytime.



Subject: do's
Date: Apr 19 2004 10:33:15 AM
Author: poopy plop

the dude with the fat belly ,the word your looking for is:GUNT-the flab between the gut and the cunt.



Subject: this section
Date: Apr 19 2004 12:48:10 AM
Author: 100%

i used to not like this section, but every time i read one i think of a girl i know who is exactly like this. keep up the good work lesley!



Subject: Grade
Date: Apr 14 2004 04:04:29 PM
Author: ARGYLE747

You get a B- on this homework assignment. I know you have more than two measly paragraphs in you.
-el profesor



Subject: lesley
Date: Apr 13 2004 11:04:02 PM
Author: friends, etc.

i love you.



Subject: now
Date: Apr 13 2004 02:03:58 PM
Author: hey

you could get a job selling movies of yourself peeing. "Hebrew Piss Fest 2004" you could call them. I'd buy one.



Subject: used to be my favorite section
Date: Apr 13 2004 01:13:12 PM
Author: hooker

godam ure hot now' id let u pee on my face

but this section has been gettin crappeir
Come onnn.. carv hell? thinking outside the boxx



Subject: me
Date: Apr 13 2004 01:09:54 PM
Author: me

no, i wasn't 14 when i wrote the entry---just 14 when i first started working at the such. and btw, this picture is from 2 years ago, outside of some bar i was drunk and yes, getting ready to pee. dont know why they used it for this entry, or why they used it at all for that matter.



Subject: three wishes
Date: Apr 13 2004 04:08:43 AM
Author: 39

It was painfully obvious way back in 1998 that wish #3 just wasn't gonna happen. Well, hopefully "Bobby" is okay at least.
Also Lesly looks hot in the picture. Is she going pee?



Subject: free k for lesley
Date: Apr 12 2004 11:49:50 PM
Author: juan dreamer

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=32868
44752



Subject: wait
Date: Apr 12 2004 08:40:20 PM
Author: friends, etc.

you were 14 in 1998?



Post a comment:
(posts that are not on topic will be removed)

Name:
Subject:
Comment:



© 2003-2006, Vice Magazine Australia | E-mail: stuff@viceaustralia.com | Site Design: Solid Sender