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The history of working class Quebec is a layer of fries, then a layer of cheese curds, then a layer of gravy, then a layer of fries, and again and again until you die. They call it poutine, and it makes your hangover go away so fast you will fart with disbelief. This gift from the gods used to be available exclusively in La Belle Provence but, thanks to the frogs at Valentine, you can now have poutine anywhere in the world. Ha! Mange ma graine, de lendemain de la veille!
KRANKY K
Mexico City is a lot of things to a lot of people. To us it’s a place where kids with no eyes come up to you every two seconds to ask if you want to buy a plastic Bart Simpson head. To 20 million people with nothing but a cardboard box to live in, Mexico City is home. No wonder their most popular candy is a caffeinated chocolate that combines an edgy high with a sugar crash and puts you in a mood so heinous you have no problem swinging your arms from side to side and screaming GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY YOU WALKING ABORTIONS!
NEGRO ODZACAR GRLA
Do you know how fucking heavy this “black licorice chimney sweeper for your throat” is? In WWII the Nazis set up a puppet regime in Croatia called the Ustashas and their job was to kill every Serb, Jew and Gypsy they saw. Today calling a Croatian an Ustasha is like calling him a nigger. Then there’s this Serbian candy that’s been around since WWII, called Negro! With a guy on it that is dressed exactly like an Ustasha. What the fuck!?
PAPAS LOLITA
Vladimir Nabokov’s classic novel about a really old man that wants to have sex with a twelve-year-old is a really good book except for the part where he wants to have sex with a twelve-year-old. Europeans, however, love that shit. They can sit there and read about her “frail honey-hued shoulders” and her “silky supple bare back” without the slightest loss of appetite. In fact, the people at Elaboración Casera in Spain find pedophilia so delicious they based a bag of chips on it. Ew.
COLLON BISCUIT ROLLS
The best thing about incessant candy eating is that your colon fills up with undigested sugar and it keeps growing until your gut is actually a tarp wrapped around a massive python of hard, black tar that’s several miles long. John Wayne, for example, died with 63 pounds of impacted feces in his colon but who got to taste it? Barely anybody. That’s why the folks at Glico invented a way of taking those miles of undigested yum and turning them into tiny cylindrical morsels of choclaty goodness.
That’s the opposite of ew.
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