According to an anonymous Vice source (yes, we have sources, just like “real” journalists) with ties inside the Pakistani ISI (it’s their CIA), Osama Bin Laden has been tracked to a mountain hideaway in the Taxkorgan Tajik region of China’s predominantly Muslim Xinjiang area and has been under US, British, and Pakistani secret-service surveillance since mid-September of last year. The source also reports that top US officials have been trying to open a dialogue with the Chinese government since positively identifying Bin Laden sometime in the middle of last September, but to no avail.

The Chinese government has refused to talk to the Americans about the report, but recently moved troops into the area for what it describes as “antiterrorist training activities.” In an effort to monitor these troop movements without escalating the tension between the Chinese and Americans, the Pakistani government, under the direction of US Special Forces, has also moved troops close to the border area in the past several weeks.

The report confirms a story that appeared in an article in this magazine in 2002 claiming that Bin Laden may have been operating covertly out of the Chinese mountain range for months before the September 11th attacks, perhaps anticipating the US-led coalition strikes that took out the Taliban regime in nearby Afghanistan. “If you think about it, it makes total sense,” claims our unnamed source. “Bin Laden is smart, so he must have planned a perfect hideaway before 9/11. And what would be a more perfect hiding place than China? The Americans are not going to fuck with the Chinese. They need that cheap-labor fix.”

In late November of 2005, an official communiqué written by a high-ranking officer in the ISI expressed concern over the deployment of Pakistani troops in such close proximity to the Chinese border. “The Pakistanis were afraid that they were getting caught in the middle of a major geopolitical crisis and that they were being asked by the Americans to provoke a confrontation with the Chinese. But when I intercepted the communication, I had no idea what it was about. Why would the US provoke China through the Pakistani armed forces? Then I started digging. I wasn’t prepared for what I would eventually find.”

Apparently America has been surveying the region since the summer of 2005 after zeroing in on intercepted cell-phone calls that sounded like they could be Bin Laden. Sometime in September they received positive confirmation via computer-enhanced satellite photos. “When I finally got my hands on one of the photos I was blown away. It was hard to make him out at first, but then I found the CIA’s computer enhancements (as seen on Murder She Wrote). Then I shit my pants.”

EDOARDO MORETTI

COMMENTS

Subject: Ben ladin Date: Mar 30 2006 12:33:56 AM Author: zj I think said he is possibly does not have in China! Other countries but actually have this seriously are possible! Subject: I call BS Date: Mar 20 2006 06:35:49 PM Author: Dude rocker There's no way that Osama is anywhere near Tashkargan or Karakol lake as the earlier story claimed. I've been there a couple times and can say that the area is just crawling with Chinese soldiers. The area is super remote, but there's tons of bases nearby. With all the worries of Uighur unrest, they wouldn't let that fool anywhere near their country. Subject: come on Date: Mar 13 2006 02:41:45 AM Author: get informed Its unbelieveable how many of you take these articles for factual stories. When the issue is titled "Verdad" ('Truth' in Spanish) and every image in the issue is photoshopped, what do you expect. It is an original and well done critique on the current state of affairs socially, politically, and throughout the media. I never post, and its sad I felt I had to explain this to people. Maybe this was Vice mags way of weeding out their moronic fans. Well Done. Subject: aklrjf? Date: Mar 12 2006 02:22:20 AM Author: freakofnature "leave the real reporting to actual news sources" You mean the "actual" news sources who told us Iraq was tied to 9/11, had mobile weapons labs and could attack the US within 45 minutes with their WMDs? While "morons" like me were saying the opposite? Now run back to your myspace acount and write posts to your shit hipster friends about how cool it is not to care. Subject: 2 Date: Mar 10 2006 04:58:52 PM Author: 1 3 Subject: booshibby Date: Mar 05 2006 04:42:17 PM Author: fuggwah i come to vice not for politics, but satire. leave the real reporting to actual news sources, please. you guys are morons who should not attempt to be interested in politics, i know it's cool and everything, but you are humiliating yourselves. shankeeeyoooovaarrymoosh Subject: cough ahem bullshit Date: Mar 02 2006 10:52:54 PM Author: Carlos Ray Norris I call bullshit on the source. This story has two effects. 1. Reinforces the idea that Bin Laden is still alive which keeps the idea in Americans heads that terrorism is lurking around every corner. This also justifies continous war. 2. China Bad. When you put China and Bin Laden in the same sentence the right wing nutbags can cook up a conspiracy that the commies are behind Al Qaeda. Even though the story does not link the two, in the minds of suggestible red state citizens this is all you need to prove that the Chinese are Osama's handlers. Subject: Dilemma? Date: Mar 01 2006 09:33:50 AM Author: Mr. Owl How is it possible for a turd to shit his pants? Tell me that Mr. Moretti. Subject: bin dead for some time. Date: Feb 28 2006 08:17:50 PM Author: soulinite He's been dead since 2002. He was an old man with serious kidney problems and you are trying to tell me he has survived for 4 years in a cave? http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,41576,00.html http://www.whatreallyhappened.com/osama_dead.html http://www.whatreallyhappened.com/binladen_9-11_truth.ht ml Subject: Co-habitations laws Date: Feb 27 2006 11:01:31 AM Author: Elvis It's true. Myself, the king of rock and roll and the beardy guy are living together. Subject: CALL CTU YOU CUNTS!! Date: Feb 25 2006 02:57:09 PM Author: SunWukong I just got off the phone with CTU, Jack Bauer is on his way to China right now to perform felatio on osama. Subject: Unlustig Date: Feb 25 2006 07:06:47 AM Author: spankmouth UNLUSTIG! selbst für'n fake unlustig, einfach nur low! Subject: that ^ Date: Feb 22 2006 12:22:01 PM Author: . .. .shotgun wedding ;;; <||3 woa, this is like a big scoop - yew guys could earn a fortune! (not that yoo shud put a price on the magazines, keep them free - that's how yoo get yewrr readers =P....) Subject: $%^ Date: Feb 22 2006 10:29:13 AM Author: JimmyTrash Bah... So the latest issue of vice is all made up of fallacy as a secret theme. How many trees have to die to produce irony? fuck you vice. Subject: no! osama is really in china...trust me! Date: Feb 20 2006 06:40:09 PM Author: beaupeurt wondering through the mountains of Taxkorgan Tajik, day 16 of my expedition; i came across a pile of washed and dried dishes, i then noticed on the side...a white tea towel - stiched in gold, the initials... O.B.L. trust me before the Bush government please. Subject: CONGRATULATIONS Date: Feb 20 2006 02:32:59 AM Author: EDITOR OF WASHINGTON POST Wow you guys broke a major story. I finally figured out this issue - Vice decided they had too many readers and needed to cut back about 30%. This issue should accomplish that. Subject: uma Date: Feb 18 2006 01:33:28 AM Author: Tim Carr the secret theme is dad sex, thats what verdad means in cuntmouth. truth be told. Subject: killer score Date: Feb 17 2006 02:48:57 PM Author: little brother i believe you. Subject: Oh,no,no,no,no Date: Feb 15 2006 04:29:50 PM Author: teh Ummmmmm...Ok??? Yeah, that'll be the day when I get my Osama update from some slouch-hog hipster mag. C'mon guys. I mean, you don't see CNN trying to mooch on over into your scene - you know, snorting coke and spending your mom's money. Now, which diesel jeans are hottest for spring? Subject: whatever trevor Date: Feb 15 2006 03:18:33 PM Author: willy sniffer fuck off conspiracy nobs, the idea that bush and osama are in on it together is bullshit, read the 911 commission report (biased blah blah). America would rather have him in custody on parade anyday! 1984 uh huh ok, maybe thats the point of this issue, ignorance is strength! Subject: LI 223-H The Blog as Literature Date: Feb 14 2006 07:03:00 PM Author: Masticator This post is not on topic. It will be removed. Subject: Bin in China Date: Feb 14 2006 08:54:48 AM Author: Jameela You really have some dickheads who read your magazine. Subject: ? Date: Feb 13 2006 04:16:10 AM Author: Goof Ball Dood.... Bin Laden is dating my mom... They've been kicking it since a couple years after my parents divorced... But I got dirt on him with this 9/11 shit so he's under wraps... So national security is no longer a concern for us. Let's go smoke an L... Subject: holiday in afghanistan Date: Feb 10 2006 01:09:41 AM Author: that was me farting I knew it was bull shit as soon as I read "just like 'real' journalists." Subject: blah blah Date: Feb 09 2006 10:30:16 PM Author: derka derka i am an assfucker ftom derka derkastan. My wife's buka keeps getting caught in the car door. Luckily though I am planning on stoning her to death sometime next month. This is because she talks back and I am an islamic fucking retard. Subject: not real Date: Feb 09 2006 04:01:35 PM Author: duh i think this issue was vice's way of finding out how stupid their readers really are. Subject: 9/11 Date: Feb 09 2006 01:24:03 PM Author: mr. conspiracy What about the theories purporting that 9-11 was a planned demolition?.. The motive is simple: widespread fear (like in 1984). Just go on Wikipedia and enter 9-11 conspiracy... the truth is out there folks. Subject: got him Date: Feb 09 2006 12:57:22 PM Author: you know who it's the mirror issue Subject: Bullshit Date: Feb 09 2006 11:26:34 AM Author: King Cunt I get the impression that every article in this issue is a complete fucking lie. Although the bastards who write for Vice are so perverse, that it's impossible to tell. I think it's bullshit though. Subject: ! Date: Feb 09 2006 08:55:29 AM Author: dub:H20 Makes sense, true or not. Like the US is really going to do anything to BinLaden...he's on their side, just a scapegoat Subject: ok Date: Feb 09 2006 12:28:33 AM Author: nesa shrimp ramen, flat coke, and piss. Subject: xx Date: Feb 09 2006 12:15:28 AM Author: fgf again, bin laden will never be caught or punished because his father and family pours millions and millions into the pockets of the bush family and administration. The point of this is explained in 1984 Subject: retarded Date: Feb 08 2006 11:45:33 PM Author: holla China is worried about Muslim unrest in Uighar province, so why would they contentedly let Bin Laden hang out in their backyard. This story is idiotic. Subject: none Date: Feb 08 2006 09:47:50 PM Author: jimmy i call photoshop Subject: whoa Date: Feb 08 2006 09:14:12 PM Author: damn major scoop!