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| Get a sheet. |
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Cut two sloppy holes in it. |
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Put it over your head and go “Whoooo-oooo!”
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| Phone extension cords are much sexier than rope. |
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A clear plastic bag. You have to cut a small hole in it, otherwise you might die. |
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Bare-chested is best. Nobody gets tortured fully clothed. |
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Tie it as tight as you can but make sure you don’t go purple. |
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Make your face look like Mick Jagger. Unless you’re a kid, in which case please don’t do this.
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Being into Bettie Page is highly gay, but it is a good excuse to dress really slutty.
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Get a push-up bra and do your hair in this goofy bangs look. |
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Vintage lingerie and garters. |
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Make sure you get the right 50s nerd glasses. |
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Call a friend to pick you up because you can’t go outside alone. |
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This makes the pipe filter. You have to burn it to get rid of the poisonous coating.
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Mini Martell bottles are the best because they’re easiest to pierce at the bottom. |
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Ready for action! Madness, bankruptcy and homelessness beckon. |
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This is more realistic than any of the effects in Land of the Dead. |
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Bingo. Now you can blend in with the rest of them. |
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You need a bikini, a sheer robe, a kinky wig, and pictures of Kim Jong Il and the North Korean flag.
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Pin Kim Jong to your bottoms. |
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Sew the flag to your sheer robe. |
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Throw on the wig and some high heels, and why not put a plastic gun in your garter too? |
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Go trick-or-treating while making a cogent commentary on how North Korea is weird. |
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| This is gross, but go to a barber and get bunch of hair off the floor. |
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Make a nontoxic body glue with flour and water. |
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Apply a liberal layer of dark brown Pan-Cake makeup, then brush on the glue.
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Quick, throw the hair all over in mangy chunks before the glue dries. |
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Grab a basketball and hit the streets! |
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| Lay out an old backpack and bedroll. |
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Then drop a T-shirt, preferably something backpacker-y like a Canadian flag, and a pair of shorts next to it.
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Grab a can of hair spray and a lighter... |
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... and torch the whole pile of shit. Do this on a concrete floor, OK? Just torch it a little. |
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If you can get your hands on a fire extinguisher, consider yourself ready to go. |
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| Get a couple of bits of makeup and some ugly blouse. Use old-lady products—not your girlfriend’s best stuff. That nice stuff isn’t half-assed. |
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It’s good if the stockings have runs and holes so your leg hair peeks through. |
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The shirt should be a little bit too tight. Real trannies are impeccable about a good fit. |
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Apply makeup using your bad hand. If you’re righty, go lefty and vice versa. |
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Spend the whole night talking in a super-fake falsetto about how “glamorous” everything is. |
