THE VICE GUIDE TO KILLING YOUR PARENTS - PART 2

Ding-dong, we wish the Boomers were dead.

NAME CULTURE
“This is Barbara Nameypants, signing off, back to you Brad. Thanks Barbara, Now lets go to Mary Weatherspoon for the latest on today’s shithacking etc” Do you think I give a flying fuck who reads the news off a cue card? Oooh it’s Anderson Cooper on CNN in huge letters. I care. Gloria Vanderbilt’s son is going to read the news to me. I’m so scared.

Baby Boomers are so self-obsessed they invented this name culture where everybody has to get credited in real huge letters for all the world to see. I was playing a video game the other day and there was a plaque riveted to it explaining who designed what in the game. Um, I don’t hire video game designers but thanks for the heads up. If I ever need someone to do “action layout and design” I’ll give Danny Yakamoto a call. Nobody cares who you are you fuck. That’s why we always make up funny names for bylines in this magazine. It doesn’t matter who we are. Our motto is, “It’s not about the person it’s about the thing.”

PETER JENNINGS
Waaaaah. Peter Jennings died. He was a great American reader of the news and now he’s gone. Oh and Johnny Carson died too. Noooooo! He used to talk to celebrities about bullshit and he would even wear a funny hat on his head sometimes. That’s gone forever.

Can you believe how much fucking air time these guys got when they croaked? And the people being interviewed always said the same thing, “We will never see the likes of him again.” They are so into themselves that when one of them dies it’s like the end of an era. Sorry boomers but there are an endless supply of people that can read the news and an even huger supply of people willing to chat with celebrities. I know it hurts but the truth is: the world will go on when you die.

LOWER CASE HELVETICA
Oh and when they want to pretend they’re humble about their name they do that fucking annoying lower case Helvetica thing where they’re all jon forsythe and berry goldsprinkk.

TATTOOS
We don’t really like tattoos. Half the time we look down at our arms and go, “What the fuck was I thinking?” but boomers don’t get them. If it helps separate us from them then get the fuck over here with that machine and start drawing on me.

PONTIFICATING
Are they constantly sitting by the lake in On Golden Pond? Well, yeah, kind of. Their whole life is a big hangout with nothing to do but ask meaningless questions about stuff. “Oh, should gays be married? Oh, what about the death penalty? And what is rap anyways?” Who gives a shit? The other day I tuned into CBC Radio and you know what the topic of the day was? (This is not a joke.) It was, “Why do we say duck tape instead of duct tape?” Hey, old people, I don’t have time to ponder. I’m busy doing stuff and trying to pay off the Sisyphean debt you stuck me with. Move!

Of course, they’re not listening. They’re by the lake musing. They love to muse because you never have to get into facts or statistics. You can just throw math in the garbage, grab a big book of critical theory and hmmmm away.

You ever see that PBS, eight DVD series about New York? Jesus Christ. You have to wade through about twenty minutes of musing to get one fact. “There is no definitive book about New York,” says one of the many tweed blazer wearing history pontificators, “because it is ever changing.” What in the fuck does that mean? Have LA, Boston and Sri Lanka just sat there in awe of the Big Apple wondering why they don’t change too? Ivory tower professors puke out this blethering rhetoric because they want to get their soundbite in some big book of quotes while we sit there rolling our eyes waiting for some actual information.

RUDE PUNS
Being forced to go to a dinner party with your parents is about as bad as it gets. Can these people get over rude puns please? “Oh, you shower and I’ll show her!” What are they, virgins? I thought they started the sexual revolution. To hear them talk and giggle about “blue movies” makes you wonder if they even know girls don’t have dinks.

THEY DON’T DO ORAL SEX
Can you believe these fucking losers need some fag to come by with a briefcase full of dildoes to tell them how to do a blowjob? Ha ha ha. What were you doing for the past twenty years, lying on top of each other and wiggling around until a baby came out?

C-SECTIONS
Now these fuckers are telling the doctor exactly what day they want to have the baby. Is there a woman alive today that doesn’t do a C-section? What ever happened to being a pregnant lady that pushes a baby out of her vagina? Was that process so flawed? It seemed to be going pretty well for the last 50,000 years. Thanks to boomers the only way to give birth is to induce labor with a bunch of chemicals and then carve her up if she doesn’t pop one out in the next two minutes. What is this, Logan’s Run?

THEY ARE CRYBABIES
Did you see Jared Diamond in that Guns, Germs and Steel documentary where he throws together this pizza pie of a theory to explain why the West has done so well? He’s talking about how we ruined the world using germs and then he goes to some African orphanage and starts bawling his fucking eyes out. Waaaaah. Then he lets something slip that is very telling of his generation. He goes, “Germs have been a major area of study for me for the past ten years but to see the damage they can do close up is another matter.” Get it? They sit in their office and pontificate but when the real world comes calling they have a panic attack. “Wait, this is real? People really are dying? Waaaah!”

Or how about Dan Rather on David Letterman when he started talking about September 11^th and commenced to blubbering like a kindergarten bully that got punched in the nose. I’ll tell you something. I was embarrassed. The whole time he was sobbing I kept thinking, “Please don’t show this on al-Jazeera. Please don’t let them see what babies we are.” Thanks Dan. Way to keep a stiff upper lip.

HOUSES
Thanks guys. You bought them for $20,000, made sure all of you had one and then, when it was our turn to try, you all simultaneously moved the decimal place over to the left. Great. Now you all have $200,000 houses. One problem. None of us are ever going to have even close to that kind of money. Either move the decimal place back where it belongs or we are going to burn your houses to the ground.

PACKAGE VACATIONS
And they call us lazy? They can’t even handle going to another country and having to find a restaurant? “Oooh, we might get robbed. I need to stay on the compound with razor wire that keeps out the poor.” Pussies.

CLASSIC ROCK
Classic rock sucks. Even Led Zeppelin. As Nikki Six put it, “People with curly hair can’t rock and Robert Plant is no exception. They were not a great band. They took the blues and didn’t do anything with it. They just took it and repeated it.” Yeah. And don’t forget the part where Jimmy Page just stole all Bert Jansch’s riffs note for note (I’m not exaggerating).

THEY’RE ALWAYS TRYING TO BE US
All these years in marketing have taught them one unavoidable fact. You have to keep going young if you want your audience to last. “What’s hot?” is so important to them that they pay cool hunters tens of thousands of dollars a year to hear that snowboarding with sunglasses on and listening to rap is the only way to sell your product. Oh, to be a fly on the wall of some of these meetings where they sit around a big conference table and try to figure out if Everything But the Girls to Boyz to Men Without Hats is a real band. There’s nothing better than watching a rich, smug, desperate liar frantically grasping at straws as his whole life goes down the toilet.

MARKETING
What do you do when you’re dumb and lazy but you want a lot of money? What’s the perfect job for someone that is all talk and no action? It’s called marketing. A non-productive non-product where you just keep throwing shit against a wall until it sticks. Do you hate Spam? Then you hate baby boomers.

Oh and by the way boomers: Ads don’t work. Brand loyalty is a suburban myth. That’s why no-name brands are more popular than ever. The world has figured out that the emperor’s sponsors have no clothes. We ain’t buying it (literally). It’s going to be really interesting to watch this next generation with their no TV and their no bullshit shopping patterns deflate the boomer’s marketing balloon until it’s nothing but a withered old bag lying on the floor.

BOBBY McGEE JONES MCGILLICUTTY


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